Stressful Life

[Sophia66]

He remains to be frustrated… he sounded as if he really wanted to get out of the relationship/ marriage. He wanted to have a fresh start entering the new year.

Am I still in denial? Maybe. Am I upset? Yes! Am I angry? Maybe. The sudden mood swing and the splitting have made me confused and trapped…

But realistically it has been rather stressful for me to be in the marriage. Often I do feel I am emotionally manipulated and controlled even though he would never admit it. He can easily get upset or explode if he misinterpret or convolute what I have said or done… But he can be the most loving husband when he is in his normal state of mind or when he does not drink that much. 99% of the incidents or his explosion are associated with alcohol unfortunately.  The latest incident was also related to alcohol. He becomes a completely different person whenever he drinks a little too much… and NOBODY can possibly stop him from drinking more whenever he reaches that benchmark… I can always tell, but unfortunately I do not have the power to stop him from having more… It is exactly like the domino... once the 1st one falls, here comes the rest…  But my question is whether or not he actually wakes up and realizes it was his own problem instead of mine like the rest of us.

He sometimes accuses me being the frustrating / frustrated woman, God knows I am not.  He is the one who is constantly frustrated, to me there seems to be something deep inside that makes him frustrated or unhappy… He accuses me being dominant or no relationship… I am NOT, it is he who wants to constantly prove himself a better person than the rest of us.  He always wants to be a dominant one. He accuses me being jealous of his well acceptance in the social life, in reality, it is he who gets exceedingly jealous of the amount of the attention that I get whenever we are out… To me it is incredible for someone like him, so well educated, to paint a picture of his wife so different from the one in real life. All he has accused me of is really the vivid portrait of himself. Even though I have never told him this up till today…I do not plan to either.

He is such an angry man… not only to me but to his own son from his previous marriage, who is suffering from aspergers.  Why? I have always been led to believe I am the only person in the entire world he loves and  he truly cares, who actually can calm him down ( according to his son), but whenever he explodes I become the evil woman instantly, NOTHING IS GOOD ABOUT ME INSIDE out.

He is the love of my life, but at this stage I have not much choice there. I can be dismissed from being a wife anytime for no obvious reason… He never says that he does not love me anymore, He told me I was so special even on the day he left me. 

I will have to let it go if he insists a divorce because I do not have any choice. Will I file a divorce as he has requested? Absolutely not. I am trapped and worst comes out of it is that I am still being manipulated. 

Am I feeling abused? Yes! Emotionally. It has been such a roller coaster riding for me… it only takes a split of second from the top of the world to the bottom of the ocean. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I truly deserve this. I have to say I am a established and well respected professional in my career. Nobody will ever imagine this is what I have been going through.

I would have told any of my friends to leave the relationship had it been for any of my girl friends. Why do I find it so difficult when I have to make a decision. Is it because I am still in denial?

I had tried to find out what is wrong with our relationship over the last couple of reason, now I have finally got to know what actually is wrong here. Knowing he is suffering from the BPD does not make it any easier. I do not know where it will lead me to… Either decision is tough.

He is a sociologist himself, very well educated. How doesn't he know all the pain his action has caused me? Ironically, he seems to understand the complexity of the world and people theoretically, in reality, he is not social at all… He does not present himself well unless he know the setting and surroundings.

To me it is a process to understand and accept what I am facing. There are five stages for non BPD to get out of the relationship, but honestly I don't know where I am. I am NOT yet planing to leave him even though the road ahead of me can be bumpy…

i am thinking of my wedding vows…even though he seems to have forgotten.  To me it is the saddest part.

[heartandwhole]

To me it is a process to understand and accept what I am facing.

i am thinking of my wedding vows…even though he seems to have forgotten.  To me it is the saddest part.

Hi Sophia66,

I'm sorry you are going through this.  This constant up and down is so hard to deal with.  I think you are very wise to see this as a process of understanding and accepting what you are facing. 

Wedding vows are very important, and I understand your wanting to honor them, even if your H doesn't seem to want to.  That is a beautiful thing.  Just please remember to include yourself in those vows to love, cherish, and take care of... .