BPD: No job still ~ will it ever end?

[Forestaken]

It's been a while since I've posted. Exhaustion is the reason.  Here's the facts:

• Alot of physical, emotional and finanical abuse throughout marriage
  
  
• uBPD+dOCDw left for a funeral July 2011, cancelled her return ticket
  
  
  • She skipped D's 18th Bday, Xmas 2011, Anniversary, S's B-day, S's Community College Graduation
    
    
  • May 2012, I learned she hit her sister, decided I didn't want her and her violence back
  
  
  
  • Filed for Divorce. she learned and came back next day.
  
  
  
  • Courts: I have house, she has spouse support, she was ordered to get a job, never found a real one [event staff job (hit or miss work schedule) ~ but no real work.]
  
  
  
  • She emptied our 55K joint portfolio
  
  
  
  • Her L is trying to get me to pay for her legal fee and medical + dental.
  
  
  
  • I'm supporting my 2 kids in college
  
  
  
  
  
  I have no cash assets, how is the court going to expect me to pay?
  
  

[ForeverDad]

My ex's lawyer have always asked for me to pay her legal expenses.  So far I haven't paid any.  However, we settled the divorce without paying legal fees, her lawyer did make sure she walked away with enough marital equity to get paid.

In a general sense, often it's a formality that judges can easily ignore or deny.  So likely it will be denied.  No guarantees of course.

She was gone for nearly a year, effectively separation or abandonment.  Did you support her or did she ask for support while she was gone, before you filed?

If there are no marital assets then the court will decide based on your income versus hers, the state or local rules and policies regarding long marriages, etc.  That $55K she drained was marital assets, she should return an appropriate portion to you in the final decree.  Likely she'll claim it's been spent on {whatever}, frankly I doubt you'll ever see it again.  But half of that ought to count, at least on paper during the reconciliation, toward your credit somewhere, somehow.  If the court rules that you should pay her fees, then ask that it be deducted from the portion she owes you from the missing $55K.

Most states have shifted from lifetime alimony to relatively short term alimony to help the other spouse get settled into post-marriage life, find a job or get trained for a career.  In my area we used a two months for every year calculation.  So I paid her alimony for 1/6 of the length of the marriage.

While you can describe her as a mean person, angry person, hard-to-get-along-with person, probably best not to call her crazy or disordered.  You don't want the court to view her as handicapped or that you made her that way.  I've heard that even though life alimony is less likely in most states, there might be exceptions such as handicapped status.

Failing to get a real job ought to become increasingly her problem rather than yours over time.  Ought to be, can't promise it will be.

[Forestaken]

Thx that's good to know.

Since I lived on these boards since 2004 (BPD family was my only support group), I learned and still am learning alot.

I waited and waited until she left, unfortunately I waited too long and was too scared to act.

I was once asked by her L ":)o you think she suffers depression". My response "I don't know" (I'm not a MH clinician, either)

[livednlearned]

• Courts: I have house, she has spouse support, she was ordered to get a job, never found a real one [event staff job (hit or miss work schedule) ~ but no real work.]



• She emptied our 55K joint portfolio



• Her L is trying to get me to pay for her legal fee and medical + dental.



• I'm supporting my 2 kids in college

I have no cash assets, how is the court going to expect me to pay?

What I've learned is that you can take someone to court for anything. You can ask for anything. Doesn't mean anything is going to happen.

How did the 55K issue sort out in your financial settlement? It sounds like she was allowed to keep the $55K in exchange for you keeping the assets in your house?

Why is her L now asking for legal fees and medical/dental? Is it just out of the blue?

[Forestaken]

Since she's still on my health insurance, I'm still getting her EOBs sent to my house (they send it ~ I don't ask for them). I see a lot of doctors office visits but no procedures.  I suspect she's trying to prove she can't work.  I go to the clerk of the court monthly to review my file. That's how I know.

[ForeverDad]

Current law in the USA (subject to change as so much is these last few years) is that once the divorce is final, you must inform your health care insurance and they will offer her COBRA insurance for similar coverage for up to 18 months if she so chooses and pays.  The new ACA law will subsidize or credit her much of her ACA rates.  The point is that under current law, and I presume this doesn't change, once you are divorced she must come off your insurance.

I suspect she's trying to prove she can't work.

Odds are she could very well get away with it with the rising sense of entitlement encouraged in so many ways.

[Forestaken]

The settlement conference was last week and I feel finanically abused and beaten.

I will supporting my tormentor for the rest of her life (Right it's 34% of my net) . The support is not fixed so I can go back if needed.

She gets half of my 401K, ratio of my pension [(Months married / Months worked) / 2] half the equity of the house.

If I can refinance, I get the house

Keep the car, and the college age kids 

I was really counting on my pension but when I retire, I'll have to petition the court to reduce spouse support.

Question: I'm 51 now, I am eligible to return in 3 years... .

BTW: My kids are in college, when my L suggested that she help with the kids expenses, she said no.

[whirlpoollife]

I will supporting my tormentor for the rest of her life

That seems outrageous. Sorry to hear that.

[akloner]

I read your story. I am deeply sorry for you my man.  My wife bled all of our  money as well.  She would not work-hell she wouldnt even do the dishes. 

One time I was working with a friend of mine on a concrete ramp.  He had been working on it for a long time and I kind of popped  in while he was doing the finishing touches to help.  It looked really nice and he was proud of his work. Then, as he was wiping it down, a huge part towards the top of the ramp gave way and the whole thing cracked.  It was completely ruined.  I gasped and looked at him.  He looked at me and said "life is good".  I was so surprised.  I will never forget that moment. 

My point is, you can rebuild.  Move on.  You sound like a great person.  Things will get better.  They have to. 

[maxen]

hi forestaken. i'm horrified to read what's happened to you, and i'm sending along my complete solidarity.

[Forestaken]

Whirlpoollife, akloner and maxen:

Thanks for your support and compassion.  For the past week, I woke up at 4am and starting uncontrollably running the numbers in my head without the ability to stop. What has hit is that:

1) I can retire in 5 years, get another job, my pension will pay for alimony + extra, new salary all mine

2) When I hit retirement age, I can petition the court for a reduction.  For the years, I was working, she'll be getting alimony + pension. (Need to talk with a L about that)

3) I can rebuild, going to re-fi the house and roll the credit card debt into the new mortgage that has a lower rate.

4) I finished registering for a Workforce certificate at the local community college, "Encore career" is starting to root!

5) "Life is good" is so true, Did you know I no longer use Prilosc OTC for reflux bc I no longer have acid reflux? (Last Sunday during the game, I ate a ton of Jalapeno poppers and no reflux b4 it would have nearly destroyed "my inners"

[marbleloser]

 Her attorney is coaching her to NOT get a job. She has no interest in getting a job,because she then would have to cough up some expenses.

That said,did your attorney ask that her wages be imputed at minimum wage at least? He/she should have.

As for the 55K... if you can document that,I'd use it to help offset alimony payments.

No parent is required to pay post age of majority expenses,unless it's court ordered. You're being a good parent,but you won't get her to pay anything towards their college. The kids will remember this.

I wouldn't jump into a higher paying job or career too fast.She can take you back to court for more alimony if there is a substantial increase in pay.(Damned if you do/damned if you don't)

Where's the credit card debt come in? Was it marital debt? If so,she needs to pay half,even if it means it comes out of her alimony payments.but you'll need to peitition the court for that.

Legal expenses? That's standard lawyer speak for "I know my client won't pay me,so I want the opposing team to". Tell em to pound sand!

[ForeverDad]

My ex too has been imputed at minimum wage every time in court.  She's never had to prove her income to the court so far as I know.  I show my proof of income and she gets imputed.

However, a few years ago she got her third state license in her chosen field of work.  One would think that would mean she ought to be expected to earn more than minimum wage, right?  Not so far.

Forestaken, does your ex have prior work experience?  Can't she be expected to go to job training or two year college, learn skills and get a career?  Many states are shifting away from lifetime alimony unless there is good reason otherwise.

By the way, hope this doesn't upset you, but when she reaches retirement age, she will be able to get Social Security payments based upon either her earnings history or your earnings history, her choice or whichever is higher.  Just so you know she will not be penniless in her old age, that's a perk she gets for staying married for more than 10 years.

[Forestaken]

Forestaken, does your ex have prior work experience?  Can't she be expected to go to job training or two year college, learn skills and get a career?  Many states are shifting away from lifetime alimony unless there is good reason otherwise.

By the way, hope this doesn't upset you, but when she reaches retirement age, she will be able to get Social Security payments based upon either her earnings history or your earnings history, her choice or whichever is higher.  Just so you know she will not be penniless in her old age, that's a perk she gets for staying married for more than 10 years.

My Ex is going to be 54 next month.  Never really work more than 4 months at any time.  Basically, she never worked in or out of the home.  I realize the SS issue.  I'm not surprised.  The laws are written to protect mothers who gave up a career to take care of the kids.  My Ex was just a bum.

Last night, she called my S23 wanting to see him for Xmas (she lost my D19 phone number ~ nor memorized it)  Anyways, he asked for money for college since she yanked that money.  She claimed she is penniless.  He called her a liar, which she is.  He told me that he told her, he need money for college not bullcrap.  I guess waking up christmas morning with another family was painful.  She reaps what she sowed.

[Nope]

 She reaps what she sowed.

Remember, she is still their mother so it's best not to get too invested in their issues with her. But at the same time it's OK to take some level of comfort in the fact that they see her for who she is. It may be the most comfort you are likely to get in this situation.

Also remember that the worst thing you can do to her is just to be happy. Enjoy your freedom and enjoy your kids and future grand kids.