More silence on my birthday- no doubt

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello out there  .   Just now tucked into bed on the eve of my birthday. It's going on 6 months of silence- not NC by my choice. I had been doing so much better but the holidays were surprisingly hard.  I haven't tried to contact him now for a couple of months-not a peep on Christmas and am trying to steel myself for the same tomorrow.  How can that be- what does he think about me, does he at all, after all we shared.  I hate this.

[isseeu]

Hello out there  .   Just now tucked into bed on the eve of my birthday. It's going on 6 months of silence- not NC by my choice. I had been doing so much better but the holidays were surprisingly hard.  I haven't tried to contact him now for a couple of months-not a peep on Christmas and am trying to steel myself for the same tomorrow.  How can that be- what does he think about me, does he at all, after all we shared.  I hate this.

[heartandwhole]

isseeu,

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It really hurts when we hope for contact and don't get it, especially at times likes holidays and birthdays.  It's so understandable, and normal, to want to know that he cares.     You are being very strong.

I hope you can do something really special for yourself tomorrow – treat yourself. 

Meanwhile, we are here, and we care about you, isseeu. 

[LilMissSunshine]

Happy Birthday isseeu 

[redkong]

isseeu,

I'm so sorry to hear this.  Holidays were hard for me too, and with your birthday coming up as well, I'm sure that must really hurt.  Is there a way you can reframe the day as your own celebration of you - a day for you to focus on the fact that you are moving forward to better things?  Surround yourself (in person and/or online) with people who truly love you and celebrate all of the quality solid relationships you have. 

Come to this board and let us celebrate with you as well!  If any group of people can sympathize, empathize, and cheer you on, it's here!

Happy Birthday 

[patientandclear]

Isseeu -- your story has always really torn me up.  More than the average story on BPDF.  Great r/s, one fight, he's gone, no explanation, no information.  I don't think human beings can endure that without grave impact, so it's always impressed me how clear-eyed you seem to be about it -- appropriately sad & hurting, but not abasing yourself to pander to whatever drove him away, and treating yourself & him with respect & kindness.  I don't know how you do it!

In terms of what he thinks -- I'm sure he feels enormous shame and guilt.  Somehow he couldn't deal with his fears in the r/s and he fled, undoubtedly using a lot of projection & denial about why that was a reasonable course of action.  Now he may be stuck.  He's done an extreme thing and he probably has a non-reality-based story in his head about why that was OK, and now he is desperately attached to that story because otherwise it is all too awful.

Your little overtures, when you were sending them, were at odds with that story.

I'm sorry this is so hard.  You don't deserve for it to be like this.  It's like a sudden death of a loved one, except worse, because they are NOT dead and they could be there but are choosing not to be.  It's just awful.

 

[Sophia66]

Happy birthday to you! I know exactly how you feel. My husband had an anger outbursts and walked out of the hotel room on the night before the holiday ended  and has not returned since, it has been more than a month. He wrote some outrageous emails with the most absurd accusations, that is it. Now he is in his silence mode, no response to any of my emails including my Christmas messages. I do not know where he is... Silence has made the life extremely unbearable. Every time he walks out, he always threatens to divorce me, yet he comes back after a few days, but it is the longest this time. I do not know what is going through his mind and what his actual plan is. I have gone through tremendous amount of pain with what he has done to the relationship. With the help of my therapist, I have finally got to know he actually has BPD, but it doe snot get any easier at all...

Well, enjoy your birthday today and do something special for yourself. I feel for you... .

[isseeu]

I'm so struck by the kindness and your thoughtful loving messages yet again.   I am very lucky to have loving friends and family and all of you here.  I've had dozens of beautiful Facebook birthday postings (including two from his daughters-and Christmas gifts from them), texts, emails... .why is it that with all of these, I still wait for the one that will never come.

Patient and Clear... .I believe that you have a perfect insight into this situation-thank you for your words.  He is stuck-I saw him do this before with relationships with his girls and his grandson and others.  If any "unsticking" happens, it is not because he initiates it.  He just can't.  I know that he has a lot of shame and whatever story he has spun to justify this is absolutely the one he needs to stick with.  It will likely remain this way forever.  I know in my heart that he felt deeply for me-perhaps more than anyone before, and it's too much to handle.  I really was unlike anyone else he had been involved with.

To all of you who are in the same place, my heart goes out to you.  I know it will get better-need to get through this holiday season and keep close to the people who love and truly care... like all of you.      Thank you so so much   

[Cardinals in Flight]

I know exactly how you feel in regards to your birthday, it recently happened to me, and it hurts more than words can convey.  Thanksgiving, and now Christmas, it's almost unbearable, except that deep down I know she is either deeply ashamed or I am still the most horrible person on earth.  It doesn't really matter which, it hurts like hell.

We had a significant uproar prior to the xpwBPDgf's birthday back several months ago, knowing how important her birthday is to her? I'd never have dreamed of ignoring the day or not celebrating in some way, but that's just me.

We can only go up from what we are experiencing right now.  My new mantra is "something wonderful is going to happen to me very soon" . I believe it too, you believe it too!

CiF

[snappafcw]

I just had my Birthday on boxing day... .Its been 6 months since I have heard from her and part of me was expecting her to reach out on that one day of all days... .I guess thats pretty naive huh?

[santa]

I just had my Birthday on boxing day... .Its been 6 months since I have heard from her and part of me was expecting her to reach out on that one day of all days... .I guess thats pretty naive huh?

Think about it like this:

Their favorite thing to do is try to make you miserable

They know it's your birthday

They know you're probably looking for them to tell you "Happy Birthday"

So, when they don't do it, they know it'll disappoint you and make you unhappy

Therefore, it's like them telling you "Happy Birthday" in their own crazy little way

[arn131arn]

I just had my Birthday on boxing day... .Its been 6 months since I have heard from her and part of me was expecting her to reach out on that one day of all days... .I guess thats pretty naive huh?

Think about it like this:

Their favorite thing to do is try to make you miserable

They know it's your birthday

They know you're probably looking for them to tell you "Happy Birthday"

So, when they don't do it, they know it'll disappoint you and make you unhappy



Therefore, it's like them telling you "Happy Birthday" in their own crazy little way

LMFAO!  God why does that sound like it's soo true

[snappafcw]

Lol Santa that is very nice of you to make me feel better like that however i doubt thats the case im long forgotten

[Cardinals in Flight]

I just had my Birthday on boxing day... .Its been 6 months since I have heard from her and part of me was expecting her to reach out on that one day of all days... .I guess thats pretty naive huh?

Think about it like this:

Their favorite thing to do is try to make you miserable

They know it's your birthday

They know you're probably looking for them to tell you "Happy Birthday"

So, when they don't do it, they know it'll disappoint you and make you unhappy

Therefore, it's like them telling you "Happy Birthday" in their own crazy little way

Niiiiiice! 

[Jonie]

Personally, I don’t believe all BPD are malignant. Some will be, but others won’t, just like ordinary people ☺

BPD is about being overwhelmed with emotions, not being able to reflect on them, see past them, control them; not being able to control impulses. This is what makes BPD’s so egocentric. We can relate to that by thinking about how we would feel if we were down with a bad flue, having a high fever, feeling awful and aching all over. This is what I imagine is going on inside BPD’s: feeling overwhelmed with anxieties, feelings of shame, guilt and whatever, that are too strong to handle.

I like to think of BPD as an affliction that can injure all types of people – some with a good and kind nature, some with bad, nasty and violent characters. The way BPD will act out, will vary accordingly. So, nasty people with BPD may indeed like to hurt you. In the case of Isseeu’s friend, I guess he knows he messed up with her and feels terrible about it. But he is stuck in a one-way tunnel. So much time has passed since they had contact; and his piled up feelings of inadequacy, guilt and shame must make it impossible for him to reach out again to her. This leaves only one way out: further away from her.