Weirdness Abounds

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my introduction post laid out things pretty well- see here for OP- https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216076.0

BUT... .now we are the truly weird stage. I am damn certain this relationship is over, but have been cordial and nice- almost too nice, but I am trying. It is hard not to do things you have always done- like make dinner or do laundry, etc... .So he has suddenly decided to be uber nice- like change his whole perspective. Friendly, inviting me to come play darts, or let me use the PS3 or just hang out. He's hugged me twice now and even asked for a kiss. I said no, of course. Talks have been mostly civil, and when they got into territory I don't feel comfortable with, I have shut them down.

I honestly don't know how to take this! It has got me totally confused. He saw the therapist that had him committed today and when I asked him about it he said it was great. The therapist down't want to see him for at least another month.  Now I ask you- does this sound normal? To totally change behavior and the therapist be like- oh last month you were bad enough we had to put you someplace but now, you seem just fine so come back in a month- oh and don't worry about the meds- you're doing so much better off them? My therapist thought it very suspicious that he was encouraged to get off his meds. I'm sure I could explain all this better, but good Lord am I on edge. I'm on pins and needles here, just waiting for the blow up- waiting to be hit in the head with the truth I know must be coming. I can't move out yet, but damn it I'm looking and saving as hard as I can.

I know leaving the relationship is the only way to save my own sanity but I feel like he is trying to lull me into a false sense of security. I hate this so much, and even more than that I hate feeling like I have to be suspicious of his motives. This sucks so hard. 

[blueeyedjess]

So my introduction post laid out things pretty well- see here for OP- https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216076.0

BUT... .now we are the truly weird stage. I am damn certain this relationship is over, but have been cordial and nice- almost too nice, but I am trying. It is hard not to do things you have always done- like make dinner or do laundry, etc... .So he has suddenly decided to be uber nice- like change his whole perspective. Friendly, inviting me to come play darts, or let me use the PS3 or just hang out. He's hugged me twice now and even asked for a kiss. I said no, of course. Talks have been mostly civil, and when they got into territory I don't feel comfortable with, I have shut them down.

I honestly don't know how to take this! It has got me totally confused. He saw the therapist that had him committed today and when I asked him about it he said it was great. The therapist down't want to see him for at least another month.  Now I ask you- does this sound normal? To totally change behavior and the therapist be like- oh last month you were bad enough we had to put you someplace but now, you seem just fine so come back in a month- oh and don't worry about the meds- you're doing so much better off them? My therapist thought it very suspicious that he was encouraged to get off his meds. I'm sure I could explain all this better, but good Lord am I on edge. I'm on pins and needles here, just waiting for the blow up- waiting to be hit in the head with the truth I know must be coming. I can't move out yet, but damn it I'm looking and saving as hard as I can.

I know leaving the relationship is the only way to save my own sanity but I feel like he is trying to lull me into a false sense of security. I hate this so much, and even more than that I hate feeling like I have to be suspicious of his motives. This sucks so hard. 

[seeking balance]

 

I honestly don't know how to take this! It has got me totally confused. He saw the therapist that had him committed today and when I asked him about it he said it was great. The therapist down't want to see him for at least another month.  Now I ask you- does this sound normal?  To totally change behavior and the therapist be like- oh last month you were bad enough we had to put you someplace but now, you seem just fine so come back in a month- oh and don't worry about the meds- you're doing so much better off them?

Only a T that was looking for a malpractice suit would tell a patient they had committed a month ago not to come back for a month unless they have referred them to some other specialist. 

My therapist thought it very suspicious that he was encouraged to get off his meds.

Trust your therapist - glad you have one going through all this.

Until you can be out of the house, do the best you can to maintain boundaries, while using staying communication tools when necessary.  You are right, it is a tough situation.

Hang in there,

SB

[MrFox]

He is in the "best behavior" phase, trying to patch things up with you so you don't leave him.  recycling, re-hooking, whatever you want to call it, it is a ploy to get you back.  My ex had my replacement break up with me for her (like elementary school kids do) she posted a horrendous smear campaign all over her facebook page, contacted my mother to tell her that she thought I was sociopath and was going to hurt someone or myself.  :)ay after that she texted me to tell me that she would be waiting for the rest of her life for me to come through her door and kiss her.  The behavior is weird, illogical really, until you stop trying to make logical sense of it of the particulars of the behavior and look at what's underneath.

The more you look at this site and other sites you can see that pwBPD operate very much on patterns, we all do, but it seems pwBPD have very set patterns that don't waver that much, even from person to person.  You are leaving him, whether he knows that consciously or not, his abandonment fear had been triggered.  He is now trying to suck you back in.  It's up to you if you allow that or not.

As for the stuff about his therapist, seems like a lie to me.

[blueeyedjess]

Thank you, for the welcome and the affirmation SB-it's easy to get distracted an think that maybe you're making too much of something, especially when the BPD person is trying to convince you of that and is a pro at it. 

Mr. Fox- thanks for the advice and sharing. He's already started the smear campaign with me since we work for the same company and he is at headquarters- kind of sad really because the people who know me well, know that what he is saying is bullhit, but they have to kinda go along with it as he is in the office. I keep getting sympathetic looks and pitying smiles when I see them. Makes it hard, as I don't want everyone knowing our business. I'm hoping my refusal to get into it while he is spouting off is taken well I know now that my only choice is to leave him. I can't be sucked into this anymore. I've given 12 good years to him, and I have to work on me for myself and my kids. They don't need to think a relationship is supposed to be like this.

[blueeyedjess]

So last night, he told me he was going to go "run some errands"- which is what I usually say when I have to go do something but he also told the neighbor kid that he was going to a friends house. He left at about 6:30pm and got home this morning about 9:00am.

Not an issue for me, as we are separated, other than he was super chipper- trying to be uber friendly and draw me into conversation. I suspect he is doing it to get a reaction out of me. Is it wrong that I really don't care and that I actually prefer when he stays out away from me and the kids?

[MrFox]

He is most likely attempting to get a reaction from you.  People with BPD operate very much like children at times and children are constantly testing.  He is testing to see what your reaction to him staying out all night is.  I would guess he wants you to be mad and jealous.  And, no, there is nothing wrong with you not caring.  It's actually a good place to be.

[blueeyedjess]

Thank you again, Mr. Fox.

That's what I was thinking. I hate being tested. Worst of it all, though, is I know if I don't react, I'll be a horrible person because I didn't react but if I did react, I'd be a horrible person because I did.

Can you tell I'm REALLY tired of mind games... .