BPD In-laws

[TiredofBeingAfraid]

Has anyone here married into, or is about to marry into a family with a BPD family member? My fiance's younger brother, (my fiance is 28 and his brother is 23) has BPD and ever since I met him, it's been a dizzying roller coaster and tug of war. All my fiance and I have tried to do is build a life together, but it seems like his brother's goal in life it to destroy it all.

I really feel sorry for my fiance, because I know he's in a really difficult situation. He has taken care of his brother his whole life, and naturally he feels very protective of him. His brother suffered from heart problems and seizures, and his family in an effort to keep him from relapsing has basically just been pacifying him this entire time just to "keep him happy."

I keep trying to tell my fiance that all they are doing is enabling his negative behavior, but he's so caught up in the guilt of feeling like a terrible brother, he can't stop helping him. Even when his brother calls him a loser, and tells him he's worthless, and calls me names, he still goes running to him the second he says he's lonely.

I really don't know what to do. I've tried talking to them about this, and I come out looking like the heartless b*tch because I'm not sympathetic to his brother's needs.

He constantly complains that my fiance doesn't come visit him enough, and then when my fiance does go visit him, he won't get out of bed and yells at him to go away. This has happened multiple times in the middle of the afternoon! Then, my fiance comes home and takes the blame for it, saying he should have gone over earlier.

I refuse to let his brother come over because I don't feel safe around him, and his brother throws a fit because he wants to come over anyway. My fiance explains to him that based on his previous behavior, he can't come over, but my fiance offers to go visit his brother at his parents' house. His brother than yells and says "If I can't come visit you, that I don't even want to see you at all!"

How in the heck am I supposed to deal with this, when his brother is not only treating him this way, but my fiance internalizes it and feels guilty for it thinking that he's the loser and he's the terrible brother... .

In the words of Clark Grizzwold at the end of his long rant: "Where's the Tylenol?"

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Tiredofbeingafraid,

It's so smart that you are trying to get a handle on your fiancés relationship with his brother before you get married.  It sounds like your fiancé respects your boundaries (not allowing brother to visit)even though he is tangled up in that relationship.  It is so hard not to feel responsible for a family member with a mental illness.  I would talk to your fiancé and ask him how he feels when all this is going on.  That could open up a discussion on validation, boundaries and all the wonderful tools and skills we work on here at BPD Family.

One of the things I'm wondering right now is... . How does he/his family see your role after you get married? 

-crazed

[TiredofBeingAfraid]

Hi Crazed!

Thanks for saying that. As soon as I noticed this pattern, I made sure to speak up about it before anymore wedding planning took place. We've actually had to push back the wedding another year because of this, and may have to push it back another year if things continue to stay the way they are. 

The biggest roadblocks we have hit so far with our relationship is that my fiance has a lot of trouble acknowledging his brother's behavior, and even expressing his own emotions in general. It wasn't until recently that he told his brother he couldn't come over anymore (even though his brother only came over maybe once before to help us move furniture in).

He and I have seen counselors together and I see my own counselor once a week, trying to figure out how to handle the situation. I wish my fiance would go see one by himself. I know he has a lot of guilt and self esteem issues he has to work through because of his family, but they all want to pretend like nothing is wrong, and just continue pacifying his brother.

This whole time, I've just been trying to help him stand up for himself, but they see it as me having him "whipped" because I refuse to act like nothing is wrong, when it something obviously is.

I honestly don't know what is going to happen after we get married. I don't want to be near, not only his brother, but the other people in his family who pretend that there's nothing wrong. I really feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall when I try to sit down and talk with my fiance, and he just starts making excuses for his brother and blaming himself. Most of the time, he will just say he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, and will just go to bed, and I'm left sitting there with so much to say and so many questions, but that's the end of the discussion. Believe me, I've tried all different kind of methods, like active listening, and trying to pick the best times to talk to him when he's not stressed, and most of the time he shuts me out anyway. I'm sorry it's just really frustrating when people say "Why don't you talk to him about it" when I have been trying to for almost three years and he doesn't want to.

[fromheeltoheal]

I honestly don't know what is going to happen after we get married. I don't want to be near, not only his brother, but the other people in his family who pretend that there's nothing wrong. I really feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall when I try to sit down and talk with my fiance, and he just starts making excuses for his brother and blaming himself. Most of the time, he will just say he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, and will just go to bed, and I'm left sitting there with so much to say and so many questions, but that's the end of the discussion. Believe me, I've tried all different kind of methods, like active listening, and trying to pick the best times to talk to him when he's not stressed, and most of the time he shuts me out anyway. I'm sorry it's just really frustrating when people say "Why don't you talk to him about it" when I have been trying to for almost three years and he doesn't want to.

Hi Tired-

I'm sorry you're going through all that, it's good you found these boards, and good you are seeing a counselor together and by yourself.  You give me the impression you are facing this issue head-on and want to build a healthy life with your future husband; good for you!

I think I read in one of your posts that his brother has been formally diagnosed with BPD?  In any case, what jumps out at me is borderline personality disorder is not an organic brain disease but a personality disorder, meaning his brain works fine, but he developed the disorder in response to a trauma or traumas that he went through when very young, obviously in that family, and you mention that his father has PTSD as well.  The brother seems to have a hold over that family, especially your fiance, which is a trait of the disorder, the habit of offing responsibility so effectively that other people feel responsible for and obligated to the sufferer and his feelings.

Lots to untangle in that family, although it's not your responsibility and it wouldn't happen unless everyone was willing anyway.  The way I see it your fiance has an obligation to you more than anything, as the family he's creating with you takes precedence over his family of origin.  BPD affects everyone close around it, and the control his brother has over your fiance is his responsibility to shed, by defining boundaries, setting limits, redefining that relationship.  You're marrying him not his family, his unwillingness to talk to you about an issue that is clearly important to you is a problem within your relationship, and should be the primary focus; he should be making you a higher priority than his brother, and may need help seeing it that way.

[DaughterofDD]

Hi Tiredofbeingafraid, 

First, I want to thank you for supporting your fiancé and give you 

Coming from a serious family of denial, it took a very long time for me, then my sister, to realize that something was seriously wrong with my mother and that her behavior negatively affects us and everyone around her.  I'm still learning! 

It is crystal clear to you to see the dynamic because you're coming from such a different frame of reference.  For him, this is his normal. 

However, the seed is planted with him, and he is able to see how his brother's behavior affects you personally and you together as a couple.  He will have to slowly peel back the layers of that huge onion that it his family's dysfunction and deal with it piece by piece.  You're right - nobody else will want to see what's underneath.  It's too scary! 

It will take time, maybe a long time, and he'll have to digest all of it piece by piece on his own.  Sometimes it will feel as if he has taken 2 steps forward then get pulled 3 steps back.  This is normal - but try to focus on the positive 2 steps he was able to make.  It sounds as though he is on the right track, however.  You have been a huge support and have been able to get him to see things that he hasn't been able to see before.  As hard as it is and will be, you'll just have to sit back, support him, and wait for him to come to the same conclusions that you already have.  If you push too hard or make demands on him that he's not ready for, it may build resentment that could damage your relationship together.  It won't be easy, but there are some really great rewards on the other side.   

I wish you all the best!

[TiredofBeingAfraid]

Thank you all so much for your support. I completely agree with everything you have said, and I know my fiance is trying, though it's a struggle sometimes. Like I said, he has a lot of issues with expressing emotions at all, and something of this magnitude is understandingly very overwhelming to him.

I can definitely see how his brother could have developed this disorder, just based on what I've heard about him being so sick as a child. He had many near death experiences, and my fiance saved his life multiple times. Also, growing up with a father with PTSD (who is very intimidating and imposing), he didn't really have the atmosphere for comfort and understanding.

My fiance has a lot of self esteem issues he has to work through, because he believes every nasty thing his brother says to him. I've been trying to undo some of that damage by building him up and telling him how wonderful he is, and how smart he is, but he honestly doesn't believe me. It kills me to see him like that.

It's mostly our hypothetical children that I am worried about. I've had to deal with my own share of dysfunction and trauma in my own family. My parents divorced when I was 12 because my father was an alcoholic that was verbally and physically abusive towards my mom. He never hit me, but he certainly inflicted a lot of psychological damage regardless. I saw how my mom lived in constant fear of him, and I don't want to have to someday put my kids through that with their uncle. That's the part I'm the most worried about.