What the heck am I doing recycling

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I just realized that I'm losing it! 

I dumped my exBPDgf a five months ago and went NC. My T had asked me whether I would be willing to get back together with her and I said no, and he said he believed me because there was absolutely no hesitation in my answer. And I truly believed it at the time.

But fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I saw her in public and went to talk to her because I believe that I can always be a kind person. Then I went to her place and we talked some more. It was nice just catching up, not acrimonious, though of course I have no idea what is really going on in her head. She seemed happy that I would talk with her. We hung out some more and my feelings for her came back. I wanted to be with her. We've spent a lot of time together and it feels almost the same again as before.

However, I have the feeling that she's got something going on with another guy, and now I'm the "other man". They're kind of LD, so I guess I'm her close range target of opportunity. I can tell the idealization phase is burning through quickly as I already did something that ticked her off and she went a cold for a day. She's a waif-type BPD, and never raged in my presence, she always controlled it well around me. Unfortunately, she's one of the types that is a cheater always seeming to look for the next secret fling. Maybe raging I could take for a longer time, but infidelity I just am not open to.

I feel foolish. For a little while there I thought it could work, but I'm really doubting that. I'm thinking of blowing her off after new year's and just retreating from it all. I don't know for sure though I do think if I slowly retreat and make myself less available, it will kick in her abandonment fears.

I would really like to try and make it work, but I also feel like it's the same old song and dance. She says she wants to change but then doesn't seem to do anything differently. I need to do something differently or just get it over with. I guess that's why I'm still on Leaving instead of Staying! 

I'm very frustrated with myself. 

[Learning_curve74]

I just realized that I'm losing it! 

I dumped my exBPDgf a five months ago and went NC. My T had asked me whether I would be willing to get back together with her and I said no, and he said he believed me because there was absolutely no hesitation in my answer. And I truly believed it at the time.

But fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I saw her in public and went to talk to her because I believe that I can always be a kind person. Then I went to her place and we talked some more. It was nice just catching up, not acrimonious, though of course I have no idea what is really going on in her head. She seemed happy that I would talk with her. We hung out some more and my feelings for her came back. I wanted to be with her. We've spent a lot of time together and it feels almost the same again as before.

However, I have the feeling that she's got something going on with another guy, and now I'm the "other man". They're kind of LD, so I guess I'm her close range target of opportunity. I can tell the idealization phase is burning through quickly as I already did something that ticked her off and she went a cold for a day. She's a waif-type BPD, and never raged in my presence, she always controlled it well around me. Unfortunately, she's one of the types that is a cheater always seeming to look for the next secret fling. Maybe raging I could take for a longer time, but infidelity I just am not open to.

I feel foolish. For a little while there I thought it could work, but I'm really doubting that. I'm thinking of blowing her off after new year's and just retreating from it all. I don't know for sure though I do think if I slowly retreat and make myself less available, it will kick in her abandonment fears.

I would really like to try and make it work, but I also feel like it's the same old song and dance. She says she wants to change but then doesn't seem to do anything differently. I need to do something differently or just get it over with. I guess that's why I'm still on Leaving instead of Staying! 

I'm very frustrated with myself. 

[laelle]

Hey Learning!

I feel you there on the subject of recycles.  Cut yourself a bit of slack, it would be difficult for anyone in your situation.

From the way I see it, you have only a few choices, and they all suck!

1. Tell her that you were mistaken in thinking you could be something more to her, and that your not ready for a relationship with anyone!  Under the circumstances, a friendship would not work for you.  It is totally ok to change your mind, and if she doesnt like it, well... .she is totally not use to liking things.    She will get over it!  Return to NC... .

2. Confront her on her relationship with this other guy with an understanding based on what she "says" her commitment level is with you.

Does she say that she wants to commit to you, or is she wanting to date, with you included in the mix?  If so, is that ok with you?  

      If so, refer to 3, If not, refer to 1

Do her words and her actions match?  If so, do you feel that she has shown herself to have the ability to be trusted that her words will continue to match her actions?  

      If so, refer to 3, If not, refer to 1

3.  Commit yourself to trying again based on the decisions that you answered yes to above, and get on the staying board to learn how to strengthen and enforce your boundaries in continuing this relationship.

There is no right or wrong, only actions and consequences... .My ex used that say that alot.  I guess he had to hear it alot.  

[Waifed]

Learning

No one on here can tell you anything that you don't already know.  Waifs are so difficult because they are so sweet to your face.  Its the side that we don't see that is so deceiving.  You need to think about yourself and what is going to make your recovery easier.  Personally, If I was you I would cut ties out of the blue with no explanation.  She will probably try to continue contacting you for a while.  That is a much better feeling when you are trying to recover than her dumping you for another guy when you least expect it.  Your thoughts of having the control will help you recover more quickly.  Just my two cents.

[heartandwhole]

Hi leaving,

I agree with laelle – be gentle with yourself.    It's understandable to want to try again, especially when things seem to be going well.

I'm curious, what makes you think that this time will be different with your ex?  Has she been working on her issues in therapy?  

[Turkish]

I feel foolish. For a little while there I thought it could work, but I'm really doubting that. I'm thinking of blowing her off after new year's and just retreating from it all. I don't know for sure though I do think if I slowly retreat and make myself less available, it will kick in her abandonment fears.

Whatever you do or don't do will kick in her abandonment fears. They are always lurking in the background.

I would really like to try and make it work, but I also feel like it's the same old song and dance. She says she wants to change but then doesn't seem to do anything differently.

You aren't second (or third or fourth) best for anyone, lc. You are the First Best, to yourself. Don't degrade yourself for a woman whom you know you can't trust.

T

[LilMissSunshine]

I'm curious, what makes you think that this time will be different with your ex?  Has she been working on her issues in therapy?  


 

I was just going to ask the same thing?

[Skip]

Might be a good idea to start studying on the Staying board.

Learn the skills you didn't have last time around.

Start digging into the question all the successful Stayers have answered... . who am I and how am I contributing to this conflict...

[simplyasiam]

im in the same place same r/s. your post seems to have come from the last few weeks of my life.

im so sick of hearing how shes never going to hurt me again and how she going to get help and that she knows now how much she lost when she lost me.

[Learning_curve74]

I just came from seeing her on new year's eve, and now I'm sure she has something going on with another guy but she still wants my company. I thought I was okay, but now I'm feeling so intensely broken and torn apart. I feel so hurt that it's taking all my energy not to scream out in pain. I feel like a ten ton weight is crushing me. It's like my insides are full of broken glass and tearing me up. The pain I feel is the same as when my mother died.

It's taken me over an hour to write this little bit inbetween bouts of being curled up in pain on the bed. I feel like I want something I can't have.

She says she wants to change but she hasn't. She said she's starting new therapy for PTSD and nightmares soon. She tries but always seems to go back to the same f-ked up coping strategies (alcohol and men). I'm so f-ked up myself it seems. I want to stay but I don't know if I can be detached enough to survive. I really do care for her, I know that I've worked through that in therapy, that my side wasn't just a dream, maybe parts of it were fantasy or wishful thinking but not the caring and loving parts. I thought I could let it be, but now I feel just as hurt and destroyed as the first time I broke it off, if not more.

I want an amnesia ray to wipe out the memory of her but leave the lessons. I want to be numb and just disappear. I'm exhausted.

[Turkish]

I just came from seeing her on new year's eve, and now I'm sure she has something going on with another guy but she still wants my company. I thought I was okay, but now I'm feeling so intensely broken and torn apart. I feel so hurt that it's taking all my energy not to scream out in pain. I feel like a ten ton weight is crushing me. It's like my insides are full of broken glass and tearing me up. The pain I feel is the same as when my mother died.

It's taken me over an hour to write this little bit inbetween bouts of being curled up in pain on the bed. I feel like I want something I can't have.

She says she wants to change but she hasn't. She said she's starting new therapy for PTSD and nightmares soon. She tries but always seems to go back to the same f-ked up coping strategies (alcohol and men). I'm so f-ked up myself it seems. I want to stay but I don't know if I can be detached enough to survive. I really do care for her, I know that I've worked through that in therapy, that my side wasn't just a dream, maybe parts of it were fantasy or wishful thinking but not the caring and loving parts. I thought I could let it be, but now I feel just as hurt and destroyed as the first time I broke it off, if not more.

I want an amnesia ray to wipe out the memory of her but leave the lessons. I want to be numb and just disappear. I'm exhausted.

I'm sorry lc, that is messed up. Can you to NC whatsoever? Sleep it off, you'll fell slightly better in the morning. You did what was best for you. I suppose its natural to have these felling if you were the one who broke it off... . sorry, I feel like I have nothing useful to offer you. Better new year, buddy.

[patientandclear]

Learning ... . my heart breaks for you. I know that place very well.

My ex is seeing someone else, in the city he moved to suddenly earlier this year (still this year for a few more mins still on the left coast of the US).  But he still wants me in this undefined special position (& is not admitting the r/s with the new woman, implying while not quite saying that my impression of that is my own dysfunction, though I know it isn't).

I thought I could be OK w/it because I do think this might be the only way he can sustain a LTR--be emotionally close w/one person & separate out sex & overt "romance" away from that steady r/s. But I can't be OK w/it, watching him set aside all that's special btwn us, which I think he's taking for granted, & substitute someone else in those roles, while still pretending that all is as it was between us. So painful.

I stepped away and am grieving pretty intensely. I know the pain you're talking about and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it.

[laelle]

Learning,

  I feel for you and I understand your pain.  I went through at least 5 recycles before throwing my hands up and admitting defeat.  You cant win, because just as you round the corner to the finish line, they change the rules of the game.  You can only keep running!

As we have all heard here... . pain can not take away your pain!  You have just experienced that in technicolor.  She can not meet YOUR needs, not the other way around!  

She asks that you sacrifice yourself in return for a seat on her "man" bus.  Is that enough for you?  It does not look well for her talking of therapy while trying to triangulate you and her "others"

I know you love her, your a great person.  Even as you love her, it does not mean you are obligated to throw your life away for her.

What are your needs in a relationship?

Fidelity?

Trust?

Stability?

Empathy?

Do you feel that she can meet these needs?

Take good care of yourself Learning.  You have been triggered and your going through a certain hell right now.  Let it flow through you, and push past it.

How can this experience make you stronger?

 Laelle