Facebook

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I hate it.  I've never joined up.  I think it's impossible to have 14,327.69 friends. 

I remember when my grandfather died and looking at the love letters from WWII that he had sent home to my grandmother.  How each sentence was carefully thought out, perfect penmanship, and he took his time, and they were beautiful.

So not only do I believe that today's technology (information overload) is a detriment to mankind; I believe this site is a breeding ground for disloyalty, trust, and fear.  I believe that one day it will be the number one reason for divorce in the country, if it already hasn't.

Anyway,  I am trying to understand some of my ex's behaviors.  I committed to myself a few days ago to never look at her FB.  I got my cousin's password and would log onto his account and, in essence, stalk.  And to a degree I am happy now that I did... .

What I found was jaw-dropping and eye-opening.

NOT ONE PICTURE OF US TOGETHER... .not one.  No status as engaged.  No "in a relationship with... ." nothing.  When she graduated from nursing school her pictures

had a title that say, "to all of those that made this night possible".  I was there.  I went ot the graduation and was very proud of her.  I am the one who paid the house note, bills, put food on the table, while I also went to school and worked full-time.  We took pictures that night, her and I.  Yet, not one picture of me and her... .I was not one of those people who helped get her there.  She knew how important my beliefs were that a man take care of his family, and she used it to make me feel insecure about myself.

Looking at her page, you would think that she is a single mother.  All the pics are of ouor son and her.  She LOOKS like a helpless woman needing to be saved.  A waif.  Beautiful, don't get me wrong, feminine, yet you can see in her eyes, she needs to be rescued.

This along with the smear campaign that she started long ago about me makes me believe that she was using this site as some kind of way to meet potential suitors.   

Also, her friends cannot be seen by the public or by her friends.  She is the only person that has access to them.

Anyway, I know I should trust my gut here, but does anyone have any experience with this, heard other stories, anything at all to validate that my feelings here are, in fact true, or even wrong?

I have asked my cousin to chage his password again and never give it to me again... .

Thanks. Ya''ll have been my lifeline the past 2 weeks

[arn131arn]

I hate it.  I've never joined up.  I think it's impossible to have 14,327.69 friends. 

I remember when my grandfather died and looking at the love letters from WWII that he had sent home to my grandmother.  How each sentence was carefully thought out, perfect penmanship, and he took his time, and they were beautiful.

So not only do I believe that today's technology (information overload) is a detriment to mankind; I believe this site is a breeding ground for disloyalty, trust, and fear.  I believe that one day it will be the number one reason for divorce in the country, if it already hasn't.

Anyway,  I am trying to understand some of my ex's behaviors.  I committed to myself a few days ago to never look at her FB.  I got my cousin's password and would log onto his account and, in essence, stalk.  And to a degree I am happy now that I did... .

What I found was jaw-dropping and eye-opening.

NOT ONE PICTURE OF US TOGETHER... .not one.  No status as engaged.  No "in a relationship with... ." nothing.  When she graduated from nursing school her pictures

had a title that say, "to all of those that made this night possible".  I was there.  I went ot the graduation and was very proud of her.  I am the one who paid the house note, bills, put food on the table, while I also went to school and worked full-time.  We took pictures that night, her and I.  Yet, not one picture of me and her... .I was not one of those people who helped get her there.  She knew how important my beliefs were that a man take care of his family, and she used it to make me feel insecure about myself.

Looking at her page, you would think that she is a single mother.  All the pics are of ouor son and her.  She LOOKS like a helpless woman needing to be saved.  A waif.  Beautiful, don't get me wrong, feminine, yet you can see in her eyes, she needs to be rescued.

This along with the smear campaign that she started long ago about me makes me believe that she was using this site as some kind of way to meet potential suitors.   

Also, her friends cannot be seen by the public or by her friends.  She is the only person that has access to them.

Anyway, I know I should trust my gut here, but does anyone have any experience with this, heard other stories, anything at all to validate that my feelings here are, in fact true, or even wrong?

I have asked my cousin to chage his password again and never give it to me again... .

Thanks. Ya''ll have been my lifeline the past 2 weeks

[laelle]

Arn,

You matter!  You are a great person, and you did the best you could to take care of your family.  You know this right?

It does not matter what she thinks or how she portrays herself, YOU know you honored and valued your relationship.  Facebook, like all things, can be used for good or bad depending on the user... .  Just because its in writing, or has a happy on the page, doesnt make it real.  YOU know your truth!

[Naddred369]

Yep, mine was the same. We were still together but when I last checked her page there were no pics of me. Just her and her daughter. Her status was single. It shocked me. No mention of me for months. the pics I took were on there but no mention of me at all. Nothing.

It hurt to see that.

She is a serial cheat and uses fb to get the next victim, to line them up.

I deleted my account since. Wont look at hers.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi arn-

I was with my borderline ex 25 years ago, and then she found me a couple of years ago on Facebook; never say never.

Facebook in general is a place where we put our best foot forward, we control what people see, in a sense we control our image.  I enjoy Facebook for what it is, but it is definitely not the real world.  I spent a lot of time chatting with my ex on Facebook, then we graduated to the phone, then in person.  I really didn't look at her Facebook page much, didn't care initially, but as things got rocky in the relationship I looked, and same as you, the persona she put forth on Facebook was a very skewed version of her, most of the commenters were men, and she was doing her flirty thing.  It was more disgusting to me than anything, but it does give us a window into what our partner is really thinking, about themselves and about the relationship.  Funny, after I left her, she posted a bunch of things I had told her as if they were her own; a veiled message to me?  Probably.  More mirroring?  Probably.  Whatever, I looked a couple of times the week after I left her, unfriended but didn't block her, if you're familiar with Facebook functionality, and haven't been back since, not that hard to not look really.  I use Facebook every day and most of my posts are public, don't care anymore, and Facebook is whatever you make it; I've got some good friends on there now and we have fun with it.

Anyway, not sure if I answered your question, except that Facebook is not the real world, and when you remove tone of voice and eye contact from an interaction, folks can have you believing anything about them.

[arn131arn]

Arn,

You matter!  You are a great person, and you did the best you could to take care of your family.  You know this right?It does not matter what she thinks or how she portrays herself, YOU know you honored and valued your relationship.  Facebook, like all things, can be used for good or bad depending on the user... .  Just because its in writing, or has a happy on the page, doesnt make it real.  YOU know your truth!

No.  I don't know that.  She left me for an older man, more successful.  So those feelings may take a little while.  But I've never given up on anything in my life, and I don't plan on it now.  It's going to be a long road, I'll pack a tent, I will recreate my life, and plan a future... .unfortunately, she will not be a part of it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I will recreate my life, and plan a future... .unfortunately, she will not be a part of it.

Unfortunate for her, she lost a great man, and the new dude is in for some major pain, we know that.  Good for you for focusing on recreating your life and planning a future!  It takes what it takes, but it will be as awesome as you make it.

[arn131arn]

I will recreate my life, and plan a future... .unfortunately, she will not be a part of it.

Unfortunate for her, she lost a great man, and the new dude is in for some major pain, we know that.  Good for you for focusing on recreating your life and planning a future!  It takes what it takes, but it will be as awesome as you make it.

Thanks heal,

I have tremendous support from my family, unlike her, who has nothing but enablers.  My cousin told me yesterday that he always thought I was the strongest person he'd evermet, why would I make this person change that?  The women in my life say they saw it loong ago... .I find that pretty funny, yet, I  did not heed any of their warnings/suggestions... .

Funny, I believe, God puts people right in front of you that you can either help or can help you.  I was bartending yesterday (we had an NFL football game in our town) so we were pretty busy.  Making my way down the bar, I see my old AB Psyche professor from nursing school with her husband.  She taught at the nursing school and has a private practice in the city, as well. 

She loved me and I always found her class interesting.  We had small chat, and I was very busy, but wanted to talk to her.  When I had more time, I went back to  get her another round.  I told her I wish I had paid more attention to her class 4 years ago, and told her how my life had been the past 14 years.  She immediately said "BPD. Run!"  I laughed and asked "no fixing it?"  She said "You don't want to be the one to try."  And she smiled... .that round was on me... .

[laelle]

The age or money this guy makes has nothing to do with YOUR value.  It is not about you, it is about her!  One of the reasons we remain in abusive relationships is because we do not know how to gauge our own value...  If we view it through them... then we will feel we deserve the abuse.  You did not deserve what happened to you!  There is a part of you deep down inside that knows this.  That knew something just wasnt right.

I remember feeling nauseated sometimes after having had a conversation with my ex... .I think my body was trying to tell me something my heart and brain could not.  They were busy being betrayed and brainwashed.

Focus on you... and rebuild again, FORTUNATELY without her.  Without her, you can find your own value from a reliable source... YOU!

[heartandwhole]

Arn,

The way things appear can be so deceiving!  I'm not on FB, either – you and I are probably the only people on the planet who aren't    It didn't stop me from snooping on pwBPD's website a few times, but I'm thankful that there wasn't another avenue (FB) I might have used to hurt myself.

I would take anything I saw on Facebook with a huge grain of salt.

You're going to make it, arn.  We all know it.  The more you focus on you and your healing, the better things will get.  

[arn131arn]

The age or money this guy makes has nothing to do with YOUR value.  It is not about you, it is about her!  One of the reasons we remain in abusive relationships is because we do not know how to gauge our own value...  If we view it through them... then we will feel we deserve the abuse.  You did not deserve what happened to you!  There is a part of you deep down inside that knows this.  That knew something just wasnt right.

I remember feeling nauseated sometimes after having had a conversation with my ex... .I think my body was trying to tell me something my heart and brain could not.  They were busy being betrayed and brainwashed.

Focus on you... and rebuild again, FORTUNATELY without her.  Without her, you can find your own value from a reliable source... YOU!

Thanks, Laelle... .That made me cry.  Lately, I am liking the crying better than having my brain implode... .

[laelle]

Arn,  If you only knew how many tears I have shed.    It does not seem like it now, but it is soo healthy.

When I look back over the past couple of years, the most AHHAA   moments came while I was slouched over in my chair... .in tears.

Each and every time I was brought down to my knees from the pain, I ALWAYS got back up!  As the storms of overwhelming heartache came and went, I started to see a pattern.  I ALWAYS got back up!  This relationship would not destroy me!  I would continue to get back up.

Don't take those moments in tears in vain... .they are teaching you a very important lesson.  You are strong, you are loving, you were enough and you are enough!

Love yourself, grieve, throw your hands in the air and say What the heck! because it is not fair!  But at the end of the day,you know that you will still get back up!

Trusting yourself is great!

 

[arn131arn]

Arn,  If you only knew how many tears I have shed.    It does not seem like it now, but it is soo healthy.

When I look back over the past couple of years, the most AHHAA   moments came while I was slouched over in my chair... .in tears.

Each and every time I was brought down to my knees from the pain, I ALWAYS got back up!  As the storms of overwhelming heartache came and went, I started to see a pattern.  I ALWAYS got back up!  This relationship would not destroy me!  I would continue to get back up.

Don't take those moments in tears in vain... .they are teaching you a very important lesson.  You are strong, you are loving, you were enough and you are enough!

Love yourself, grieve, throw your hands in the air and say What the heck! because it is not fair!  But at the end of the day, you will still get up!

Trusting yourself is great!

 

Get back up!  One of my favorite songs... .EVER.  Probably one of the least known grammy winners ever! This is a great song!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZf0aZmN2pI

[sadinnc98]

I am sorry, I totally get that.  My BF (ex?) has nothing on his page at all that shows he is in a relationship... .never really has.

[laelle]

Amazing song... .  The guy has a great attitude about not being able to take a bath!   

[laelle]

Btw, my ex intentionally picked fights over facebook so he could boot me off and tell me it was better that way.

I found out he booted me and added his ex girlfriend.  He was not worth my tears, but I was.   

[fromheeltoheal]

Get back up!  One of my favorite songs... .EVER.  Probably one of the least known grammy winners ever! This is a great song!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZf0aZmN2pI

Great tune arn, thanks!

[arn131arn]

Amazing song... .  The guy has a great attitude about not being able to take a bath!   

LOL!  Grayson is def the non bathing, no shoe wearing guy.  Def a man's man with a cold beer in his hand... .but hey, he won a grammy

[laelle]

I'll just bet he bathes when no one is looking...  

[arn131arn]

Has anyone ever busted there partners on facebook? Is there any similarities between my ex's behavior and ya'lls?

[Turkish]

I will recreate my life, and plan a future... .unfortunately, she will not be a part of it.

Unfortunate for her, she lost a great man, and the new dude is in for some major pain, we know that.  Good for you for focusing on recreating your life and planning a future!  It takes what it takes, but it will be as awesome as you make it.

She left you for a daddy.  that's it.  Sick.

[SicMDawgs]

My ex and I departed in 1990.  I sent him a message congratulating him  on his new marriage in 3/2012 back in June of 2012. He then friended me , which has now lead to a year of heartache , looking back at the years I missed . I think who is this person , that would do some of the things he has done.  Pretty much all the information he post is false . He is now blocked from my page. I was tried of being unfriend and friended . When his wife caught him sending me sexual messages on FB  and a nice note about how he has been unfaithful to her before , that pretty much did it for good .More heartache at how he has become . I am just pissed at his life , he actually was good to me . Had highs and lows, did not get along well with others. That was why I broke it off ... .  Digging into his life I unearthed things I wish I did not uncover . My heart is just broken ! :'(    I wish I would of never hit CONFIRM !

[Pretty Woman]

Ugh Sic,

   At least you are not married to him.

I have to say, they really are correct when they say once a cheat always a cheat. Mine would dump me, be with someone says later and say we were already broken up... .

But the emotional cheating started before then. The sex texts to other women ( her phone was always locked). This is a pattern for her. This is what she does.

Even on FB.  While dating there were pictures of her exes all over it.

Here she dumps me and deletes everything... .granted she is dating a mutual acquaintance.

Who does that? A sick person with no moral code or character.

[Inside]

Arn…  Mine actually described a Facebook addiction, and took pride in having deleted her account when we’d met…  Or, she didn’t want me to see it, cuz shortly after my first ‘shove-off’ from her – she’d started it up again!  You’re right - nobody has that many friends…

And yes, I also got to witness the ‘flirty’ crap with guys, one I knew to be a former bf of hers…   I’d always kept my FB account (though rarely used) as tightly locked as possible, and never ‘Friended her.’  That seemed to drive her nuts – as she apparently couldn’t get in!  Hers was pretty tight, too … and honestly, I don’t/ didn’t want to know…

What’s funny is that I’m known to send quite detailed e-mail (remember those) updates to ‘real friends.’  They love it – and are close enough to my life that it had better be true.  But, I never (even in the best of times) included her.  Drove her nuts…  I figured, we’re even!  Once, after she’d heard I sent an e update - she demanded I forward her a copy.  “The uncut version” she demanded!  No problem, but the only thing missing was any mention of her … as she’d periodically kill our relationship - there’d not been enough to include.

Mine stalks older guys …she’s ten years younger than me and was last seen with a guy five years older than myself.  My take is that her self esteem’s so low she won’t allow herself to ‘compete’ with women her own age … though claims she’s, “An old soul.” 

And yes, they’re constantly trolling for our ‘replacement,’ but it’s not because of any deficiencies within us – it’s all them.  They know they’ve a shelf life, thus look to rotate.  A very common, if not exclusive theme on this board is how fast we’re replaced.  It’s nearly instant!  …it’s not us, we’re simply their last victim … as they move on to their next…

You sound cool, tears and all…  actually, I shed some too reading the same part you did – but ‘thank God’ for the technology that allows us to meet here … it’s likely saved some lives…  It’s how it’s used, or abused that counts.  Working at a lively bar, with an outward & caring personality – seems the world is your oyster

They leave us in a heap, then do it again …and again...   But only the caring cry, and hurt.  I don’t know that they register pain, perhaps it’s such a pervasive part of their existence they no longer recognize it... ?  You know, I’m glad we do … because we also know joy, and will again … as they forever seek the feelings and stability we possess. 

Go to work, stay healthy, keep your radar on - and you will no doubt be rewarded for your goodness ~

PS… as ... cheap as I am, I donated to this site.  I hope everyone gives that some consideration … as mentioned above, it’s no doubt saved lives

[Turkish]

Mine stalks older guys …she’s ten years younger than me and was last seen with a guy five years older than myself.  My take is that her self esteem’s so low she won’t allow herself to ‘compete’ with women her own age … though claims she’s, “An old soul.”  

Looking for the father she never properly attached to. Either that, or she was sexually abused as a child. I still suspect that about mine, though I am the only significantly older (almost 11 years) man she's been with. She usually goes for younger man boy narcissists... .about the furthest thing from me.

[SicMDawgs]

You are right Earth Angel... .I am home on Christmas Break too much time on my hands. Also a kicker, his sister deleted me off her Facebook on Thursday because  I wasn' t texting  her every 5 minutes.  I was advised to pull back by my  T. Plus the  sister would use things I told her to get her way with him.  So she really threw me under the bus, I just quit communicating with her. Too much drama... .I don't remember all that when I dated him. No wonder he was at my house every second he had free. I am still brokenhearted about his life.  I guess that will take time. I no longer blame myself for how his life turned out. This time last year all I was doing  was feeling guilty and crying. What a difference  a year makes. Too much time I have wasted on them !

[Inside]

Turkish,

Interesting catch.  Hummm, she’d complain often that as the youngest child and the only girl her father would ‘run her out’ of the garage as he spent time with her older brothers…  It’s strange, she’s never admitted being diagnosed with BPD but would often initiate detailed conversations describing it’s various traits.  With that, she once said ‘at least I wasn’t sexually abused,’ but had a close childhood friend who was…

Daddy seemed her eventual savior, rescuing her from many mistakes … including raising her out of wedlock child.  ‘Daddy’ passed away around 4 years ago…  Yes, very interesting.  She also seemed to resent my being an actual ‘Daddy’ to my daughters and eventually refused to spend time around them (though wonderful young women).  …as much as I ... still miss her, she’s likely done me a favor by (yet again) extracting herself from my life   

…with a bit more on the subject above … though I’ve not attempted for a year or so to look at her FB page, assuming I couldn’t stomach it, I have been watching her son’s ‘Twitter feed.’  I don’t Tweet, and assume just looking at his posts don’t lead back to me … but what a messed up young man...   The same age as my youngest daughter, and having just spent X-mas with ‘his mom,’ her BPD has obviously damaged this kid.  She’d once picked a fight with him, he punched her, and she had him arrested…  Living with his dad in another state, his life appears to be sex, drugs and rap…  Again, likely another favor not having to deal with his drama?

So – do anyone’s PBD’s Tweet?  And if so, do you peek?  …and is there anyway to get caught peeking

[blueeyedjess]

Mine recently threatened a co-worker of ours ( we work for the same company- just in different locations), who was on my friends list, into checking out my profile. My STBEx actually told him he had to see my and demanded he log in. Take in consideration the ex got off of facebook a while ago. I was so ashamed that my friend had to go through that. I was so ashamed that my stbex would even act like that. He accused me of celebrating our break up on Facebook, which I was not, but it just showed another thing he had made up in his head and how he impulsively acted out about it.

[RecycledNoMore]

I have just this minute

Left facebook

I feel better already.