should I correct lies to other members of family

[mother in law]

I  have the impression that when BPD exDil emailed my other son and his wife she told a lot of untruths/lies when she felt she had to tell her side of the story after my eldest son left and divorced her. They (2nd son) are semi hostile to what we say when we mention her name or what she has done. I know she has made excuses for her own behaviour to other friends like it is cultural ( I do not believe her fellow country men behave like this), she was homesick for her country ( she has displayed the same behaviour since she was 15 and in her own country) and he was having affairs (not true). I feel it is sometimes like the elephant in the room but do not know how to broach it to son no 2, or even if I should. I do however feel it does not add to good family relationships. Anyone have any experience of this and if so how did you broach it? Bear in mind son no 2 is a bit of an ostrich ie head in the sand!

[Blondy90]

This is so difficult and I can completely understand how awkward you must feel in that situation.

I recently experienced something similar and was the one in the middle trying to sort things out. My sister is dBPD and is a notorious liar when her behaviour is bad. As I now know is quite common with BPD, she has an abuse complex about my step dad is convinced he routinely abused her when she was a teenager.

The reality of this is not true whatsoever. My sister's life revolves around her relationship with my mum and is very jealous that my Step Dad takes her attention. When my sister was 15, her behaviour spiralled out of control and every day was a living nightmare not knowing what to expect from her. She was so violent she often physically abused me and my mum and our embarrassment led us to deal with her behaviour on our own. There were times when she was so violent there was a real risk of her seriously injuring one of us. At these times only my step dad could restrain her and there were times when she got hurt in the process. However, as BPD means she will not take responsibility for her actions, she blames him for her fits of rage and has recently been telling anyone who will listen that he abused her and even made a scene at his mum's funeral wake over it. Never mind the fact she had him run over by a bus, has taken a knife to him, smashed things over his head and thrown bottles at him.

Anyway, she recently stayed with my Dad (who has never experienced the true extent of her behaviour and trying to explain it to him is hard) and gave him the whole ‘my step dad abused me’ spiel. Apparently my step mum was disgusted and dad was raging (although this information came from her so I’m not sure if that part is true).

I was so angry, not least because what she said was a complete lie but because my mum doesn’t really speak to my dad so it was down to me to once again clear up the mess she’d made and somehow try to set him straight because I’m just not having my dad think that my step dad is some sort of monster. I was so worried about how to approach the subject because it’s not something I would usually call him to discuss and I was freaked out about having to say ‘oh by the way, you know my sister said that my step dad abused her... ’ as it’s such a delicate subject matter.

As it happened, it wasn’t long after she’d been spouting lies that she kicked off at the wake and she got physically violent with my mum and I had to call the police on her. Where she was put in cells wasn’t far from my dad’s house and as we weren’t sure if she’d been released or not I thought I’d call him to explain that she might contact him to get her. I took that as a perfect opportunity to try and dispel some of the lies. I was very casual, explained the situation and mentioned that she had gone a bit crazy and wasn’t in a good place. I then said that she’s been delusional and will probably tell him how my step dad has abused her and might mention that my boyfriend had (as he had to restrain her until the police got to where we were). In that conversation I’d managed to tell my dad about her lies and make out that what she said was rubbish without having to sit down and talk formally. The fact she’d been arrested added to the credibility of what I was saying.

I’m not sure who my dad believes as he has my mum down as a write off with mental problems (although she has been very stable and even ‘normal’ since my sister has moved out) and would probably accept my sister’s stories as he has never seen her act out or violent and I think part of him thinks that my mum has sensationalised her condition, although I know he believes what I say. I just feel much better having at least attempted to put him right because that was one lie I just couldn’t let go.

This is a long winded example, my apologies. The point is that it’s very hard to resolve a situation like yours because if you try and randomly tell people that the BPD is lying all the time and have serious conversations, it can be perceived that you are trying to discredit them or you have a grudge in some way. Particularly if the people concerned have never experienced the true extent of the BPD behaviour. My advice is pick your battles – if there is something you just cannot let slip then discuss it but if it’s something little and of no consequence then don’t distress yourself trying to clean up their mess because it’s just not worth your time and you can’t expect to be peacemaker all the time. Try and be as casual as you can and set people straight at an appropriate time. Calling family meetings etc. I have found to cause tension and people will look for underlying motives. I get where you're coming from with the 'elephant in the room'. I can't stand glossing over things and leaving things unsaid. If it gets unbearable just come out with it and say what you think without being judgemental of the BPD or bringing any emotion in to it. Just state the facts and let them do with it what they will. They'll think what they like when all is said and done but at least you'll know you've told them the truth

Good luck, I know it’s a difficult thing to do!

[VeryFree]

I wouldn't put too much effort in it. People believe what they want to believe. Let them.

By defending you only make things worse. Just make a remark, but don't go any further. Things will pass, truth will surface eventually.