Accusation and Admitting- 2nd Edition

[Depression = 72% of members]

Started a post a few months ago about my experience of my BPDh accusing me of thinking in a certain way and making me admit to things I have not thought, done or said.

Now it's taking to the next level and I seriously cannot take this childish behaviour and all the mean words that he said of me that I will never be able to wash away. He is just creating words for me to admit to! serious imagination issue... .

The story started with a text message from the manager to my h "you can come to work if you want, but the shop won't be busy". My H asked me if he should go to work. I suggested that he should go in on Mon and check things out and then take Tues off if the shop is not busy. I said that because in my opinion, just in case the boss is in and everyone else is except him, then he'd be in trouble. Mon morning on the way to work, he asked again, "Maybe his text meant he doesnt need to go to work". I said you are almost there anyway, just check it out and see. He said "So, you are saying I am lazy." I explained to him that I did not think he is lazy, just don't want his boss to have the impression that he doesn't like to go to work. He said his boss already knows that he hates work. I didn't say anything after. Then, he got to work and only two or three employee showed up. He was pissed and said it's just a waste of his time. I told him to go home and he refused saying that if he leaves, then "someone" will say I am lazy. Again, I tried to explain to him that I did not say he is lazy and the reason why I suggested him to go to work. Once more during lunch of him complaining and me telling him to go home.

Then on, he is just furious, cannot control his temper in front of the kids. Refused to talk to me further stating that he cannot stand my attitude of never admitting to things (me saying he is lazy). He said the conversation will not go anywhere because his level is up high and my level is low and too stupid to understand anything he says. All I wanted to express was that there is no need to take such a small matter and make it like the end of the world. Honestly, even if I really did say "You are lazy", so what? It's not a big deal... .he doesnt have to take it to this level?

Next morning, he was still sleeping when the kids are up. I said to him, why don't you have more rest and I will take the kids to school. He raged and said he is taking the kids and why I am controlling everything. I told him I just want him to get rested and hopefully not so upset after enough sleep. Again, he said I didnt admit that I am controlling. He said to me that he will never be happy because he has a wife like me.

He is not just turning himself against me. He is trying to turn everyone in the world against me. He told me that all my friends and family sees me as a mean and disgusting person but they are just too nice and scared to tell me the truth.

Now if I dont start babying him and msging him that I am sorry for this sorry for that, the silent treatment period will continue till I dont know when!

[Viso]

Started a post a few months ago about my experience of my BPDh accusing me of thinking in a certain way and making me admit to things I have not thought, done or said.

Now it's taking to the next level and I seriously cannot take this childish behaviour and all the mean words that he said of me that I will never be able to wash away. He is just creating words for me to admit to! serious imagination issue... .

The story started with a text message from the manager to my h "you can come to work if you want, but the shop won't be busy". My H asked me if he should go to work. I suggested that he should go in on Mon and check things out and then take Tues off if the shop is not busy. I said that because in my opinion, just in case the boss is in and everyone else is except him, then he'd be in trouble. Mon morning on the way to work, he asked again, "Maybe his text meant he doesnt need to go to work". I said you are almost there anyway, just check it out and see. He said "So, you are saying I am lazy." I explained to him that I did not think he is lazy, just don't want his boss to have the impression that he doesn't like to go to work. He said his boss already knows that he hates work. I didn't say anything after. Then, he got to work and only two or three employee showed up. He was pissed and said it's just a waste of his time. I told him to go home and he refused saying that if he leaves, then "someone" will say I am lazy. Again, I tried to explain to him that I did not say he is lazy and the reason why I suggested him to go to work. Once more during lunch of him complaining and me telling him to go home.

Then on, he is just furious, cannot control his temper in front of the kids. Refused to talk to me further stating that he cannot stand my attitude of never admitting to things (me saying he is lazy). He said the conversation will not go anywhere because his level is up high and my level is low and too stupid to understand anything he says. All I wanted to express was that there is no need to take such a small matter and make it like the end of the world. Honestly, even if I really did say "You are lazy", so what? It's not a big deal... .he doesnt have to take it to this level?

Next morning, he was still sleeping when the kids are up. I said to him, why don't you have more rest and I will take the kids to school. He raged and said he is taking the kids and why I am controlling everything. I told him I just want him to get rested and hopefully not so upset after enough sleep. Again, he said I didnt admit that I am controlling. He said to me that he will never be happy because he has a wife like me.

He is not just turning himself against me. He is trying to turn everyone in the world against me. He told me that all my friends and family sees me as a mean and disgusting person but they are just too nice and scared to tell me the truth.

Now if I dont start babying him and msging him that I am sorry for this sorry for that, the silent treatment period will continue till I dont know when!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[DreamFlyer99]

Ah! That beloved "Projection"!

"here--I have all these feelings I don't want to carry around and so I'm just gonna dump them in HER lap!"

In other words, it's not about you. It feels as if it's about you, since he's throwing the words and feelings at you, but it's not. It's about how he feels. That was a tough concept for me to get, but boy it sure helped once I did!

Something my therapist has said is a better response than being drawn into his dramatized version of things is that when he asks you "what should I do?" give the responsibility back to him. He's the one who needs to decide, and if he doesn't like what you said, well, you've seen how that goes! So perhaps the next time you should just pause, look thoughtful, then ask, "What do you think would be best?"

Another thing I'm trying to get into my thick skull is "remember who he is." In other words, if I know he is going to turn this back around on me even though he seems to be point blank asking for my opinion, if my goal is for him to take more responsibility for his own life then I don't want to be the one "solving" the problem.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm blasting out words of my own Perfect Understanding--I think it's more like you stepped right on that infected toenail!  These are waters I've been trying to learn to navigate myself.

just call me "Skipper" Dreamflyer99  hahaha!