My relationship

[zubizou87]

Starstruck... . you do make an excellent point

I have been thinking about your point throughout my new relationship.

'I'm rid of my BPD mother and on my way to recovery is it possible that I will attract another BPD into my life in the form of a relationship?'

So I've been kind of putting my new guys through the works a bit, he knows about my mother, I've been very honest about her NPD and that I'm recovering from my relationship with her.

I was upfront with him about the fact that I know a lot about NPD and the nature of abusive relationships and the first thing he said to me was. 'I hope I'm not abusive'

Which was comforting as it shows he has the ability to question himself and his behaviour.

I'm still trying to separate what the difference is between a normal couple and how they behave as opposed to a narcissistic couple. I've heard that Narcissists are drawn to other borderlines or people who were brought up by them because it's what they're used to. In truth I've had very little experience with a cohabiting relationship aside from this one and one other when I was at University.

I can tell you how I feel in the relationship

While my mother tried to destroy me I feel like this relationship is making me stronger and more confidant. My boyfriend does try to encourage me to do better but I feel like this is more of a self care thing than a dolling me up to show off to people.

To give another example

I've had really bad cystic acne for about a year, my boyfriend mentioned it a few weeks ago and I got very upset (usually I cover it up with heavy make up but when you're living with someone they see you barefaced.)

I felt like he was bringing it up because he found me less attractive or found me more difficult to love, that my skin condition devalued me. In reality he wanted to talk about it because he had suffered from the same condition when he was a teenager and he wanted to help me get rid of it.

So instead of worrying that he'd like me less if I wasn't perfect I opened up to him and actually faced the issue, I was having very painful acne and of course wanted my skin to clear up, but before I was just in denial about it.

I know children of BPD mothers don't take care of themselves because they put their mother's needs before theirs. I think this is a good example because I had a condition I wasn't addressing, I was trying to hide it from the world so I wasn't being judged.

It's funny my boyfriend was surprised I'd had this condition for so long but I knew nothing about how to get rid of acne. I had done no research at all, I knew about hardly any products that would get rid of it, I just kept hoping it would go away.

So I opened up to not just my boyfriend but a few of my friends about it and one of my lovely co workers came in the next day with a face wash, confiding that she had suffered with the same problem for years and this stuff really did.

I've been using the skincare product and also I've cut out dairy which has hormones and it's been incredible my skin looks so clear!

I'm still on the fence about this guy naturally, I keep my guard up but I just like using this example for how he's getting me to open up and talk to people, socialise and importantly take better care of myself.

[GeekyGirl]

zubizou87, you are really looking into yourself, which is wonderful. Keep searching and I think you'll learn a lot more about yourself.

I can tell you how I feel in the relationship

While my mother tried to destroy me I feel like this relationship is making me stronger and more confidant. My boyfriend does try to encourage me to do better but I feel like this is more of a self care thing than a dolling me up to show off to people.

That's very insightful.  

You're right that we all grew up focusing on our mothers' needs and for many of us, putting our own needs first feels a little uncomfortable. It's something we have to learn as adults--that it's ok to put our own needs first, even in romantic relationships. Every relationship is give-and-take, and sometimes we do need to put our partners' needs ahead of our own, but in healthy relationships it goes both ways.

It's funny my boyfriend was surprised I'd had this condition for so long but I knew nothing about how to get rid of acne. I had done no research at all, I knew about hardly any products that would get rid of it, I just kept hoping it would go away.

So I opened up to not just my boyfriend but a few of my friends about it and one of my lovely co workers came in the next day with a face wash, confiding that she had suffered with the same problem for years and this stuff really did.

I've been using the skincare product and also I've cut out dairy which has hormones and it's been incredible my skin looks so clear!

I'm still on the fence about this guy naturally, I keep my guard up but I just like using this example for how he's getting me to open up and talk to people, socialise and importantly take better care of myself.

 I'm glad that it's getting better. You do deserve to be happy and healthy, and it's good that you're seeing that. I struggled with acne too, and it is emotionally and physically painful. (Birth control medication turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to my skin, and to this day I wonder why I didn't try it sooner! )

Do you see any parallels in your relationships with your boyfriend and your mother?

[zubizou87]

Hi GG

Yes I do sometimes see connections between my relationship and the one that my mother had with my step father (my bio parents separated when I was really small so I have few memories of their relationship.)

Especially when we argue or if he's in a bad mood/ feeling a bit grumpy. I wouldn't say his behavior is abusive, he makes fun of me sometimes in a lighthearted way like when I'm reading a map and we get a bit lost. It doesn't hurt when he criticizes me because I feel like it's constructive rather than condemning (Your navigation skills annoy me you need more practice because we keep getting lost and then we're late for things, rather than you're a rubbish navigator and to me it means you're a rubbish person get into your shame box.)

He's also mentioned a few times that he finds my behavior difficult because I can be negative, he said that I expect the worst quite a lot and I tend to 'over think' everything, like I'm trying to control every possible outcome. I suppose I can still be a little self destructive and as I make the change over from survivor to thriver I need to build up confidence and accept support, love and criticism from others.

[StarStruck]

Hi zubizou87

I think you're taking the right approach, sounds like you're leaving enough room for you to consider what is right for you.

Being in questioning mode will not do any harm to your new relationship and act as a very good mechanism from inviting the wrong type of people into your life in general.

I think it's good to be thoughtful and questioning about any relationship in your life from now on. You are telling yourself you are worthy of such consideration - putting yourself at the centre of your world (not expecting everyone to satellite around it - like NPD and BPD do but in a wholesome way).

Your confidence will grow and grow. You will start to incorporate boundaries with all sorts of people. (I am still in the practice of getting this right, I make mistakes but learn a bit extra each time from them). Some people have such a direct approach it can take you off guard.

I understand about the over thinking. I think for me this is because being faced with illogical words makes you question your on sanity of the conversation - who's right and wrong. I was always keen to give someone the benefit of the doubt - but still left with the thought I was missing something. I didn't want them to be as evil as they were I suppose, too painful and confusing, maybe at times thinking it could be down to me but still being angry at their reaction. I knew it was them but couldn't reason why.

If overthinking because of personal sensitivity to issue. This reaction can change when your self esteem grows - so could be thing of the past... . yippee!

Remember even though you are have a lot on at the moment, you still hold great value in the relationship. You still can come from a position, of whether he is right for you, irrespective of the changes you feel you need to make for him or you both as a couple.

I understand about you having to get used to more of the plain speaking. You will feel better this more this goes along. As long as it's  caring, honest, constructive and goes both ways you may even have a joke on it with each others quirks. Go by your instinct of this too and stand up for yourself, interesting sometimes to see how this goes down with a new partner. If you can achieve this in a fair way and he/she takes it well, you know you're onto a good thing. If they go off in a mood, this would be a red flag for me. Sulking when I would stand my ground. Of course it was then me who would make up the shortfull and put it right - a big no no.

Exciting as it does sound you are on a journey of discovery. If your partner grows with you too, it could be very full filling relationship.

PS It's interesting you should mention your skin... I gave up milk and hey presto. Have since found it was the sugar in it, not the milk itself.  

[zubizou87]

Oh dear... .

I had a bit of a strange night last night, I've been spending almost every night at my boyfriend's since we got together and last night I just had this horrible feeling in my gut that he was controlling. So I went home by myself, packed up some things, took my cat and spent the night at my apartment.

I don't know why I did this but I got this uncontrollable urge to run and get away from him, he kind of reminds me of the guy my mother is currently married to. Sometimes he is angry, sometimes he is nice but it's always an extreme, he also suffers from depression like my Stepfather does.

I just ran, I thought, this is the kind of guy my mother was attracted to at my age, she took his mood swings and criticism because it was just what she was used to. I used to tell her all the time how unhappy he made me and how frightened I was of him. She'd tell me he wasn't that bad and he was making positive changes in our lives or start crying and saying how hurt she was that I'd critiqued her choice of husband and father.

I just kept thinking how... . easy it is to just slip into that pattern of finding someone like my family, let my children get abused in a disfunctional family just like I was and my sister is right now.

I feel awful now because I think I've really hurt this guy, I don't even know if he's as bad as I'm imagining... . I just panicked and bolted.  

[StarStruck]

Hope you are ok zubizou87?

It sounds as if you have reacted to a gut instinct there...

Firstly don't feel awful about him and what you've taken away from him: ie yourself. Don't fill your mind with that.

Give yourself time to have a think about him, to clarify in your mind, the way forward, what you have learnt. To know whatever decisions you will make will be the right ones 100%.

If he is the type of person you should steer clear off; they always show red flags or signs. What happens is that at times we choose not to see them or haven't learnt to see them, 'you can ask yourself'... . "is it really that bad?" then carry on until the next bad/weird/? time. These red flags may not seem major or dramatic at the time but can give you a good window into the character. To remember, they can be whatever they feel they need to be to stay in the relationship, making it hard to tell.

The words anger and criticism don't look good. For me, if I had constructive criticism, I would not have felt to mention it all.

It's sad and crumby situation to state the obvious, I feel for you and hope you are ok, whatever way you go.

If you decide you are repeating history... . give yourself a massive pat on the back. It's an amazing thing you've done there for yourself in my eyes.

You are on your journey of discovery now remember! Well done for that & it leads to good things.

[zubizou87]

Hi Starstruck,

Well I'm feeling kind of bad now, I think I've really hurt my guy because he was just so shocked that I bolted like that, he wasn't expecting it and I didn't exactly do it very subtly. I left work early by myself (we carpool) went to his apartment, grabbed a bunch of stuff and went to my apartment without telling him. He said he felt like I was trying to escape from an abusive relationship and he felt really confused as to why I felt that way.

I just tried to explain to him that the relationship is going very fast, I'm not used to being so code pendant and reliant on a man, that sometimes I miss being self sufficient. He's been giving me some space this evening to do my own thing... I do feel like I've damaged the relationship a bit now but I guess that just takes a little time.

I'm going away this weekend to spend time with girlfriends and then I'm going to my home country to spend time with my family so I guess it will give me time to think and I can see what condition the relationship is in when I get back.

[StarStruck]

Hiya -

Are you worried you've hurt him; made a mistake and therefore damaged the relationship?

Look if this guy's the real thing... . he will give you the space - don't worry about the bolting thing, what it looks like etc (he will get over this, [when/if you get back together], if he's a good man & will not hold it against you). Put your needs first on this one. Sounds like you are still in touch with him, so it's retrievable if that's what You want.

It's best to get the pace how you want it and give yourself a break, you haven't had it easy with BPD in your family. Try to be kind to yourself, feel good about giving yourself some time.

You put 'He's giving you space' I know thats no doubt a figure of speech. But think 'you're giving yourself some space.'

If he's right for you and real... . he will not mind slowing things right up with the pace of the relationship.

Try not to beat yourself up, you are changing and learning. Listen to all your thoughts on him.

I am sure there must be others on this site that have been through this... . how bout sticking on another post just about this problem you have on right now?

SS x

[GeekyGirl]

I don't know why I did this but I got this uncontrollable urge to run and get away from him, he kind of reminds me of the guy my mother is currently married to.

You've gotten some good insight already, zubizou. You've been some important things to think about, and StarStruck made good points. 

What I would add is to trust your gut. That's something we often couldn't do as children, but our primal instincts, our "gut feelings" are there to protect us. What does your gut tell you today, now that you've had some time to think about things?

Also, there's nothing wrong with wanting some space. Staying at someone's house every night, or being with them every day, at the beginning of a relationship can be very intense.

I'm going away this weekend to spend time with girlfriends and then I'm going to my home country to spend time with my family so I guess it will give me time to think and I can see what condition the relationship is in when I get back.

That's all good. Sometimes taking a step back will give you the clarity to see what's best for you.