Just broke up with ex... Help please

[Louisa8787]

My ex bf and I was together for 5 years. I suspected he had BPD and so does my therapist but I guess I thought would here too and also advice on what to do as I feel I am out of my depth.

At the beginning he was so intense. Within a week saying I love you and let's be together forever etc. he was so attentive and we basically lived in this little bubble. As time went on, he continued to stay unemployed and not have any money. He has been diagnosed with depression and would often blame this and the rest of the world as to why he couldn't get a job. It became a hit topic for us. He started to become very aggressive towards me and the rest of the world, felt like everyone was out to get him, questioned people's motives and would become enraged if I mentioned just getting a bar ob etc to at least be able to pay rent. As a distraction he would spend most nights until 1am working on motorbikes. During this time I felt like I was walking on eggshells and tried so hard to be supportive and loving but it was never good enough. He seemed to become quite complacent with me and felt I was always going to be there... . Always putting much more effort into other relationships with friends.

Whilst we were together, he would always msg this one particular girl friend of his. They would say to one another always love you and call each other pet names etc. I know nothing physical happened but he always seemed to enjoy the attention of other women.

In the last year, things got worse. He became increasingly depressed, angry and spiteful at times. He would get very angry if any attention was on me and not him. He would tell me to not talk as much as our friends have told me I say stupid things sometimes (which I find out is not true) and also tells me to shut up all the time in front of people if he feels I am talking too much. At times when I would challenge his view on something or tried to leave he would corner me into a wall, get in my face and scream at me.

I decided finally to move away from him back home and officially end it. I have been finding it quite hard as at the beginning I was a wreck and he appeared to be coping fine. He has also appeared to turn into a much nicer person now and is so much nicer to me now that we have broken up. At the beginning of the break up I was quite needy and it was me always contacting him but now I have become quite distant and he contacts me every week. I feel like he is doing this to check whether I have met anyone as he always asks. And also to keep me there t an extent. He gets annoyed if I am short with him or not forthcoming.

I know there is no way of us getting back together but for some reason I wish we could. Crazy. I know. I hated it when we were together but now that he appears to be doing fine (he keeps asking me how I am, I say I am ok, he says he is fine) it hurts to think maybe I didn't mean that much to him and he is moving on already... .

I also don't know what to do about the whole nc thing... . I don't want to appear as insensitive and cut I'm off but I don't know what to do... . Ps help. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[Pretty Woman]

Louisa,

  Please think about all the times he cut you down or off.

Who was insensitive then?

I really want you to read these boards. It is hard being friends with a BPD and you will have your nose rubbed in a new relationship. If you can handle that, great but I know I sure wouldn't want that!

NC is for you to get over him and move on with your life. It's a decision you have to make. Sometimes our exes make it for us by leaving but when it comes down to it, you are the one in control of your life.

You left him. You were not happy. What makes you think staying in contact will be any different?

[bpdspell]

I know there is no way of us getting back together but for some reason I wish we could. Crazy. I know.

This to me is the essence of your post. Since you are in the initial stages of your breakup you are probably feeling an abundance of complex feelings which is quite normal but BPD is a very serious mental illness. Your ex may miss you by calling you but he lacks the capacity to change due his emotional instability and dsyregulation.

Since you are a new to the Leaving Board I recommend you read all of the links to your right and learn as much as you can about BPD. I know you miss your ex but Louisa8787 you were in a deeply unfulfilling and quite toxic relationship.  You're needs weren't' being met and being in relationship with a borderline means accepting the fullness of their disorder. Untreated borderlines are very sick human beings and in essence lack the capacity to relate to others on an emotionally mature level.

You are worried about being insensitive to a person who in essence treated you poorly. You have to ask yourself why do you think you "owe" him anything?

Spell

[State85]

He may appear happy, but probably is not. As far as him seemingly contacting you more at this stage, this is probably due to you walking out on him. pwBPD cannot stand to be alone, they want attention.

NC is the proper way to handle this. If you respond to his every text, that is just empowering him... . keeping him in control. Don't fall for that. It's time you take control... . remember how he treated you.

[Louisa8787]

Thanks guys. I will start reading the material suggested. I know you guys are right... . Feel I am getting stronger everyday but when he msg's me it takes me straight back to what he is going through. The whole rs was about him and what he was going through and I resented him for that towards the end. Now I took the chance to stop this by leaving him and I should really be enjoying it. I will try to stop focusing on what his experience is. It just makes me so angry that he projects positivity, niceness and all round good guy now we aren't together. Does he forget that I remember how he was? Haha.

Oh well. Onwards and upwards

[free-n-clear]

Oh well. Onwards and upwards

  That's the thing, Louisa. Onwards and upwards without his negativity in your life, or backwards and downwards with it - not so hard a choice, is it. Try deleting his texts without reading them, and make the most of the resources available here. Stay strong, girl.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Louisa8787 and 

I'm sorry that you are going through this, breakups are so difficult, especially when there is still a glimmer of hope in your heart.  It's very normal to feel that way, I know I did. 

I hated it when we were together but now that he appears to be doing fine (he keeps asking me how I am, I say I am ok, he says he is fine) it hurts to think maybe I didn't mean that much to him and he is moving on already... .

Appearances can be deceiving.  If he has BPD, he may just be relieved at the distance between you – no more engulfment fears.  People with BPD often don't grieve relationship breakups the way we do, it's part of the coping mechanisms that they learned to manage their pain.  It's sad all around – for you and for him. 

I also don't know what to do about the whole nc thing... . I don't want to appear as insensitive and cut I'm off but I don't know what to do... . Ps help. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

No contact is a tool for us to take a breather and give ourselves some space to rebalance mind, body and emotions.  When we are in a relationship, it's hard to see the forest for the trees.  NC allows us to start the grieving process without being distracted by the behavior of our partner, and our own unhealthy responses to it.  NC is about you, and your needs.

It sounds like the weekly contact is difficult for you, which is very understandable.  What would you like to happen around this?

Hang in there, Louisa.  We are here to support you, and we care.