To engage, or not to engage. THAT is the question...

[Looking for More Straws]

Hi.

It's been a while since I posted.

After being emotionally annihilated by my ndBPD sister, I have just taken a back seat lately and literally only now see her at family gatherings. It is coming to the point where we have all but lost any kind of sibling connection... . I took a emotional vacation from her soul sucking hoping that the one time in my life when her bullhit was too much, she may realise she had well and truly overstepped the boundaries.

The result I got is complete disengagement. No replys to messages or emails.

My issue now is, has it all been left to long to bother trying to engage her in discussion? For me, the results of her recent shennanigans will have lifelong repercussions for me. This is why I have been unable to ignore it this time.

She basically hangs up, walks away, ignores my emails if I have tried to discuss the matter but I can't not discuss it and move on in any semblance of  a real relationship.

I'm torn... Because it breaks my heart reading all the BPD facts about how they just want love, acceptance etc. I have tried to be an understanding person, but she just hurts everyone around her and I cant accept that.

HOw can one be part of a BPD persons life, with out being just another enabler, or ending up resenting them? To use a metaphor, I want to love her but she keeps stabbing me in heart and I'm running out of blood for transfusions... .

I keep going to email her but then I stop, because I realise that if she throws another hateful barrage at me, it could likely be the one that breaks the camels back...

I want to be all noble and Mother Teresa-esque but after years of not being able to say anything to such a selfish, hippocritical person I do feel angry and a little lost.

There comes a point where it is not about swallowing pride. I could do that if I thought there would be any positive effect, but I'm sick of her treating the people who care about her like they are disposable? When is enough enough?       

[Clearmind]

Its likely she doesn't want to face it so she avoids it.

There are ways to communicate to a BPD - not always guaranteed to work. There is also a strong need for boundaries and she won't like it.

Sis won't change! And its understandable you want a sister relationship with her - goodness its hard though. Low contact or controlled contact sometimes is the only way to go. Cherish the good times.

Only you know when enough is enough.

How are things when you are at family gatherings?

[beatup]

and THAT is a good question... .

  I am struggling with this as well. I have just had a few email exchanges with uBPD sis after 4 yrs of vlc.  She said & did some awful things 4 yrs ago and I had enough so decided vlc was best until she could take responsibility for her choices.

  This most recent contact has revealed that she  has not changed... . in fact she has done something else... . she has betrayed me by taking up a relationship with my ex! I was angry for a while, I worked through that and hurt too ... . worked through that. I conclude that she chose that relationship, she chose it over a relationship with me and that speaks volumes. Now I know who she really is. She is not loyal or honest and she cannot be trusted. Those are the facts I have faced... . the reality of the situation. I have finally accepted this reality and am no longer hopeful for a close relationship.

  My replies to her recent emails were carefully written and then I waited a day to be sure it was what I truly wanted to say or not say.

  Whether you choose to engage or not, it will be difficult either way but both choices will provide you with more information about yourself and her.

[Looking for More Straws]

Hi guys. Thanks for your replies.

Clearmind, yes I have realised that she avoids me most because she knows I dont tolerate her B-S anymore and she cant wrap me around her finger or pull the wool over my eyes like she does with other people. I see her as she is. Not as I would like her to be. She's very good at playing the victim, but for the first time in my life, I know beyond reasonable doubt that she is not in this instance.

I cant help but wonder, if there is no hope for her to ever change, isnt BPD just a clinical term for an egocentric and almost cruel individual (to put it bluntly )?

At family gatherings I still hug her and say hi, but then we avoid each other like the plague for the rest of the time... I find that she chooses to engage the people she knows least at these functions, probably because they have no idea about whats going on in her life.

I feel like I am always on red alert around her. I avoid telling her anything meaningful about my life or introducing her to friends because I'm fairly certain she is blackening my name to several family and friends, judging by my recent interactions with them... .

Wow Beatup... . That sounds possibly more cray cray than my situation :O I really feel for you.

I guess that is my ultimate question...

I keep thinking, if I just push through that eventually she will come good. I keep hoping that one day she will see how much we have all tried to be there for her.

I know that this is a terrible thing to say, But what if she is just a nasty person?

I guess the best we can all do is just count our blessings and focus on all the good in our lives. I promised myself a long time ago that I would not let myself be drawn into her vortex anymore. My life is amazing and I have no right to wallow.

Its just starting to look like living my life to its fullest potential means without her. And that is very sad.

But I will NOT let her negativity rub off on me. Life is far to short for so much bitterness and resentment.

Looks like if I want to have her in my life, it is going to require a lifetime of tactical warfare...

I'm just not sure I have it in me anymore... .

Ah well. If it doesnt kill you it makes you stronger right?

I think for now, to use another metaphor, I will leave the door opened if she ever wants to walk thru it, but I wont be rolling out a red carpet any time soon.

I wish unto each one of you dealing with these seemingly hopeless situations, inner peace, and some beautiful people like I have been blessed with in my life to walk the rougher sections of life's roads with you.