so confused as to what to do

[Louisa8787]

I split up with my undiagnosed BPD bf about a month ago. We were together 5 years and I had finally had enough of the aggression, emotionally manipulating, and hurtful behaviour. Everything was always about him and if it wasn’t, he would become enraged, usually directed at me. He was always very protective over me when we were together but would use it as an excuse to be aggressive about other people and at times towards other people. He would distract himself with youtube, motorbikes etc most night, which left me just sitting there struggling to even engage in a conversation with him. The only way was to talk about things he liked.

Even when it was only me being affected, I wouldn’t get as worked up about it as he would. He was unemployed for most of our r/s but for some reason, despite all of this I stayed as I do love him and wanted to support him and he was not like this at the beginning of our r/s (typical with BPD I guess) and I was always thinking well if he got a job, or stopped drinking as much or went and spoke to a counsellor then he would return to that guy, but he was so resistant to do any of that.

So I finally left – before I left he would say I would be so broken hearted if you left, my life would be over, I would do anything to keep you and you happy etc. when I finally said im done. He was like ok, I respect your decision. I freaked out as I have never heard him be so sensible before, and said actually no, lets try again. And he said no, he thinks I will just leave again when he realises he cant change and he cant bear to go through this.

I guess im confused as he acts like he is so fine, getting on with life and moving on. Whereas I am still thinking about him everyday, wondering what he is up to and especially who he is with. I have pulled away in the last few weeks, and he has started to contact me a bit more asking me repeatedly if I am ok… and when I lie and say I am, he just keeps asking. I feel like maybe he wishes I wasn’t ok and would go back to being needy etc but I’m too proud to do that right now… especially as he is acting completely fine.

He did mention that maybe things could work out in the future but I don’t think I want that anymore. I just don’t know what to do in terms of him contacting me. I don’t want to be horrible to him but I love him hearing from him, as it shows me he still cares I guess, wants me etc.

Pls help advise as to what I should do. Im very confused about this.

Thanks

[willtimeheal]

I am sorry to hear that you are going thru this. Know that you are among friends. Leaving a BPD relationship is extremely difficult. When I left mine I was told it would be like detoxing from heroin ... . they were right. Good news It does get better with time.  

Know that everything you are feeling (confusion, missing him, questioning whether to go back) is all normal. But also realize that he will never change or get better. The only person you can change is yourself. Read about BPD and learn about it. Gather strategies to help you thru the bad times. If you can go to therapy do so and continue posting here.

Bpd is a life long illness. Know that it has nothing  to do with you. Your bf has a very disordered way of thinking. He does not think logically. As much as you miss him, ask yourself if you really wanT to spend your life in a one sided relationship like this. You said it yourself... . everything was always  about him.   That is a BPD relationship. I would go no contact. Don't respond to him anymore. Cut contact. As much as you want to believe he cares, he doesn't  ... . he is contacting you for his sake... . to fill his needs. Go no contact.

[patientandclear]

He's a human being who was in a r/s with you for 5 years, just as you were with him for that long.  His response to you makes sense to me in light of a pattern I've discerned over time in these stories.  Once he senses you are really out, he will not open the door again, as it is indeed too painful to contemplate having to go through you leaving again.  Mine did the same -- once I was less than all-in, he accepted and moved on, rather than problem-solving with me, because I'd said I was on board with him IF he tried to address his issues, and I think he thought he couldn't change.

Right now he probably feels many of the same things  you do -- regret, sadness.  He doesn't want to think you don't care, just as you don't want to think he doesn't.

NC may be wise but it doesn't sound like he's been nasty about this, so if you do end contact, I'd urge you to explain that you need time & space to heal, & will be thinking good thoughts for him & hoping he is doing well.  Be kind.  You may regret it if you aren't, & second-guessing yourself is the worst at the end of these r/ships.

[Louisa8787]

Thanks guys. It has just been so difficult.

I think I could continue with limited contact. The odd text here and there but whenever he asks about my life and what am up to, I don’t go into much detail. Very short, sweet and polite.

And it does make it easier in that he isn’t being nasty. Which is frustrating… sometimes I wish he would be so I could hate him.

Its so frustrating that he will never change. I guess over time I have realised that he never will. It just doesn’t sop my mind from wandering off and thinking he will change for the next girl. Learning more about BPD, I don’t think he will but who knows.

I have started counselling. They were the ones actually that thought he had BPD. My ex thinks he has depression and bipolar, whereas my counsellor suspects more depression and BPD. Great combo!

I just get so frustrated when he projects this image of look at me, I am doing great and never better. I guess I am saying that I’m fine. And I should just remember that everyday throughout our r/s he felt enraged about everything, unfairly targeted, depressed and suicidal constantly. Why should this change now…... I think its just that now I don’t hear about it.

I am even getting to the point where I am so sick of thinking about this. I just want to move on, but I am als scared that I am going to fall into this trap again.