Carrying on with the lies and deception... how do they do it?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was in a 4 year relationship, the last 2 married to my BPDw.

I've been through many break ups, 3 of them separations of 3-4 months... . periods of anxiety, lots of therapy and daily living with the stress of "what will happen today"

We have 4 adult children between us, two of which have completely lost trust in our relationship... . two others that want it to work,although they have no clue as to what is really happening here ... .

And now

I suspected her of cheating... . she came to me and said she "loved me" but it just wasn't working for her and POOF she up and left... .

It's been 8 days and not a word... .

I have proof that she is seeing someone and has been spending weekends there... .

Her girls don't have a clue

She has to be lying to them also... . pulling the ultimate deception...

I am struggling so much with the concept that she is being so deceitful with them... .

I feel more for them and it causing me so much pain

How do they pull this off?

How can they be this way to their own children?

This is SO crazy

Anyone ever been in this place before?... .

I would love to know you got your head around this

It is such an awful feeling

Knowing that she cheated on me and had her replacement on board is hurtful enough... . but the lies to everyone else is so hard to comprehend... .

[Cimbaruns]

I was in a 4 year relationship, the last 2 married to my BPDw.

I've been through many break ups, 3 of them separations of 3-4 months... . periods of anxiety, lots of therapy and daily living with the stress of "what will happen today"

We have 4 adult children between us, two of which have completely lost trust in our relationship... . two others that want it to work,although they have no clue as to what is really happening here ... .

And now

I suspected her of cheating... . she came to me and said she "loved me" but it just wasn't working for her and POOF she up and left... .

It's been 8 days and not a word... .

I have proof that she is seeing someone and has been spending weekends there... .

Her girls don't have a clue

She has to be lying to them also... . pulling the ultimate deception...

I am struggling so much with the concept that she is being so deceitful with them... .

I feel more for them and it causing me so much pain

How do they pull this off?

How can they be this way to their own children?

This is SO crazy

Anyone ever been in this place before?... .

I would love to know you got your head around this

It is such an awful feeling

Knowing that she cheated on me and had her replacement on board is hurtful enough... . but the lies to everyone else is so hard to comprehend... .

[arn131arn]

I was there almost a month ago. First, about the replacement. U must understand that this has nothing to do with u. It's hard but some time and processing will help you thru it. I promise u that. As far as the lies and manipulation. Their house of cards is built on sand. It will eventually crumble because it merits no true foundation. In a month, my exBPD fiancee has shown her true colors to people who have always sided with her. It's a small battle won for me in this war. Today I let go with grace with class. Her day of judgement will come. And I will be on that sailboat I always promised her, going towards the sunset.

[Moonie75]

I don't mean this flippantly, I truly don't.

EVERYTHING about her is a lie!

She may not want to lie, but needs to in order to protect herself from being found out, uncovered, revealed, whatever you want to call it. She builds a facade to protect herself & the resulting damage, well, that's collateral damage. She's ill & hides behind untruths to save herself from having to face herself.

Your honesty, decency & integrity was matched with lies upon lies from day one (with the odd lucid truth in there somewhere).

Don't be alarmed at what your uncovering. It's new to you maybe but it's the backbone of who she is & how she survives.

It's very, very sad.

[maxen]

hi cimbaruns. i'm so so so sorry for your situation because i have been exactly where you are.

my w lied to me - lied by omission, lied by commission, lied about lying - for 7 weeks (as i've pieced together) until at the end of june she came home from work, said the marriage "wasn't working" for her, that there was somebody else, and out the door and gone. i didn't hear a word for two weeks, during which time i almost cracked, until she sent a narcissistic email about how she will always love me but she didn't think she could save the marriage. there's more, but i'd rather not go into it.

except to say that she then lied to the paramour by staying in touch with me about reconciliation, even coming out to dinner about it once (an utter fiasco). she finished that dinner by saying that she'd agree to MC with me, but after a furious internal struggle i closed the door.

so to summaraize: she lied for weeks into the face of the man she gave her vow to while developing his replacement, then she was willing to go to MC with that husband whom she had betrayed, while living with her paramour, and surely keeping that one in the dark about it.

i'm sorry to hijack your thread, but i still can't get over this scenario.

this will be a very hard time. please stay connected to your friends and family, and post and read here. 

*actually homewrecker, as this person knew my w was married and my w said she'd have stayed in the marriage.

[Cimbaruns]

Thanks all. For your kind words... .

I guess most everyone here has been here at some point.

Maxen

Yes... . well put

"She lied to the one she vowed to... . all the while grooming her replacement"

How utterly true

I know I would never be capable of doing any of this... . it would eat me alive...

As weird as it sounds , I feel for the new person in her life... . she's being lied to as I type this... . being duped... . not getting any real answers to any real questions... . she's being fed and sucked in to the cage of distortion... . soon she'll see the red flags and begin to wonder as I did... . but I fear it will be too late... . the door will have closed!

I feel now like I'm grieving for everyone she has ever touched... .

So painful... . the reality of it all!

Much thanks to all

I am lucky to have a small but helpful collection of friends.

Ali

[seeking balance]

I am struggling so much with the concept that she is being so deceitful with them... .

I feel more for them and it causing me so much pain

How do they pull this off?

How can they be this way to their own children?

This is SO crazy

Anyone ever been in this place before?... .

I would love to know you got your head around this

It is such an awful feeling

Knowing that she cheated on me and had her replacement on board is hurtful enough... . but the lies to everyone else is so hard to comprehend... .

Yes, I have been in your shoes almost exactly.  How did I cope?  Combination of time, tears and really learning the facts of BPD and how/what/why I was susceptible.

Have you filed for divorce yet?

[Waifed]

I think Moonie summed it up pretty well. Add to this the fact that they don't really care (or have the ability to care... . for those more compassionate about them). Their interest take front and center over everyone and everything.

[arn131arn]

And I've had to keep this one thought in the forefront of my mind. I loved her unconditionally. I took her back. I worked on me. I worked on her for her. I tried to give her nice things. And for ALL that love, she hated me for it. She wanted to destroy me. She wanted to kil me. I almost took her side and went ahead and offed my goddamn self. And bc of all that love, affection, understanding towards her, she hated me for it. She couldn't understand why anyone could/would love her. Because she has an extreme hate for herself. In a way, yes, she was a drug. I addicted. My life depends on staying away from this woman

[santa]

Because they don't care about anyone or anything. All they care about is what makes them feel better at any particular moment.

[Cimbaruns]

Seeking Balance

I have been trying to deal with the realization that she lied to me for 5 weeks... . all the while texting and calling and sleeping with this new woman

So although the thoughts of divorcing her are ever present in my mind... . I'm still coming to grips with thought of her cheating.

I've been around these boards throughout these last couple of years and it seems that I remember people saying that this may be a good time to move along with this while they are in their honeymoon stage of their new relationship.

I'm thinking that I should seek some counsel... . sooner rather than later.

Would that be a smart thing to do?

[seeking balance]

Seeking Balance

I have been trying to deal with the realization that she lied to me for 5 weeks... . all the while texting and calling and sleeping with this new woman

So although the thoughts of divorcing her are ever present in my mind... . I'm still coming to grips with thought of her cheating.

I've been around these boards throughout these last couple of years and it seems that I remember people saying that this may be a good time to move along with this while they are in their honeymoon stage of their new relationship.

I'm thinking that I should seek some counsel... . sooner rather than later.

Would that be a smart thing to do?

Well, I spent about 8 months on MC with mine all the while she was cheating and told me it was my issue, she wasn't cheating.  So, I totally understand simply trying to get my head around it.  Mind you, I didn't find out until we decided she should move out and I read her journal.

If I could go backwards and have a do-over, I would have filed divorce immediately.  I wrongly thought It could be handled logically and wasted about 5 months, my sanity and several thousand dollars more.

Have you picked up Splitting by Bill Eddy yet?

[maxen]

it would useful also to talk to a therapist.

in my case, i'm still too stunned, 6+ months later, to progress with the divorce. i did file first, which gave me time to work through my feelings, insofar as i could. but certainly talk to a lawyer, and sooner rather than later would be good.

[Cimbaruns]

Yes.  I certainly will pick up the book called Splitting... . it sounds like it contains a wealth of information.

I would assume I shouldn't underestimate anything that she may throw at me going forward!

Trying to organize my thoughts through the tears  :'(

It's been 8 days and even though I have all these swirling emotions, I feel that I finally gained some control of my life

[Waifed]

And I've had to keep this one thought in the forefront of my mind. I loved her unconditionally. I took her back. I worked on me. I worked on her for her. I tried to give her nice things. And for ALL that love, she hated me for it. She wanted to destroy me. She wanted to kil me. I almost took her side and went ahead and offed my goddamn self. And bc of all that love, affection, understanding towards her, she hated me for it. She couldn't understand why anyone could/would love her. Because she has an extreme hate for herself. In a way, yes, she was a drug. I addicted. My life depends on staying away from this woman

Arn

You said she tried to ruin you. Read up on covert or stealth narcissism. I think a lot of waifs carry this trait (don't think it is a medically accepted disorder). There is an article describing how they subtly almost methodically destroy you.

[Moonie75]

You say in your original post, you've been through many break ups.

Is that many break ups during this relationship or are you referring to many break ups with previous partners?

Is this your first break up in this relationship?

I'm only asking because if you have not been through a recycle & this is your first break up with her, you should spend some time learning about recycle experiences people have had!

Some pwBPD don't come back, but many more do, and you should consider this too so you're not caught on the back foot by it!

[fiddlestix]

My ex BPD wife admitted to me that it "excited" her to come home and lie to me.  She got a thrill from getting away with it.  This is what we are dealing with.

Fiddle

[Moonie75]

My ex BPD wife admitted to me that it "excited" her to come home and lie to me.  She got a thrill from getting away with it.  This is what we are dealing with.

And Jesus wept!

[Cimbaruns]

Moonie75

I have had 3 major breakups with her

This is the first time that I have ever been in a relationship such as this... .

I took her back on previous occasions... . the last one after 3 months... . I agreed to meet and that was all she needed to suck me back in... . my bad... . but I truly thought i could FIX IT!

I guess the final curtain was her cheating on me... .

I truly believe that once we were married it was even worse... .

[Moonie75]

Climbaruns,

You think she'll be back?

Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior!

In my experience, never truer than with a pwBPD!

[maxen]

My ex BPD wife admitted to me that it "excited" her to come home and lie to me.  She got a thrill from getting away with it.  This is what we are dealing with.

Fiddle

holy moly. illuminating information, that.

I truly believe that once we were married it was even worse... .

a frequent experience.

[Cimbaruns]

Moonie75

I have no doubt that she would try and come back

She did try and get back with her old gf when we went through our 1st breakup

And I suspect that she has been in touch with her over the last few years... .

They are amazingly sly about it... . I've asked and I know she has ,... and she lies right to my face... .

I cannot make sense of any of it ... . but they aren't wired like you and I

If I want my life back I have to take control for once and move on and be assertive after I wade through all this emotional soup

[laelle]

My ex had narcissistic traits as well.  Oh, he was a "popular" chef, went to law school, etc etc. He was in his early 30's when I met him.  I was in my early 40's.  He sure did a lot to be so young.  He had outrageous friends who were con artist, self serving and cheating on their partners.  When I talked to his ex a few weeks ago, she said he could never even keep a job, but heck, I was just a crazy woman living in France with an ex husband that I hated at the time.  Who was I to judge?

He took some odd pleasure in breaking me down.  I can not totally fault him for this because I had some sick pleasure (at first)to have someone "control" me.  I felt very insecure of my own decisions and liked having someone to be a bit controlling.  This was our dysfunctional agreement.  We all had one.

Later on in the relationship, I resented his control because it wasnt fair.  He didnt play by the rules.  I gave him what he wanted, "my blind eye", "my unconditional love", "my emotional and financial support", and I got NOTHING but control, manipulation and lies in return.  I waited for the pat on the head like a dog waits to receive attention from his master.

Looking from the outside now... . What did I expect?  You lie with dogs, you dont get rewarded, you just get fleas.  

I realize that this post does not look well for me either.  That I had some serious issues.  I mainly wanted to point out that while they are who they are, deceiving, manipulating, cheating, brain washing, destroyers of our souls, We made a deal somewhere down the line to "accept" the behavior.

They were just being them... and we know it is part of the facts of BPD, but who were we?  Being angry about how we were duped is healthy, but start focusing on what part we were playing in this agreement, and work on ourselves.  Let our ex's fix or not fix themselves, we have our own issues and we can change them.

He absolutely killed my need to be controlled.  :)uring the power struggle to own my soul, I learned how much I was willing to fight for me.  It is empowering to be your own advocate and learning to love and trust yourself.

I am wallpapering my bedroom today in my new apartment... .  I chose purple because, I like purple.  This sounds like a stupid statement, but after the relationship I had, I am lucky not the be eating out of a baby food jar.  

 Laelle