Emotional struggle

[Murbay]

So a couple of weeks ago, I posted that I went from a relationship with a pwBPD to another relationship with a pwBPD a year later. However, the chief difference was that BPD1 also has NPD and in the words of therapist, won't ever get any better.

Current gf told me she has BPD after several weeks, has been on medication for 18 years, is still struggling in part and has now sought professional help, which starts in about a month. I won't say the relationship has been easy, and has had it's rollercoaster moments. Most of the time they only last a few hours but sometimes, when something major happens, they can go on for a few days and it's these I am finding a struggle.

She previously ended the relationship because she was convinced my relationship with my eldest daughters mother was too close. We separated 12 years ago and she has been in a stable relationship for the past 7 years. I get on well with her and her boyfriend and that is solely down to our daughter. I did agree that I understood her perspective and agreed to take a step back as I could understand it from her perspective, though assured her that there was nothing untoward.

She then ended it another time because an ex girlfriend from when I was 15 was on my facebook. The reason for that being, that my ex girlfriend has been married to my cousin for the past 15 years. The relationship wasn't serious and only lasted a few months, we simply just got on better as friends and didn't want to complicate anything.

After both of these, my gf stated that her thinking had been a little irrational and that she was afraid I was just going to abandon her as her ex husband left her for his ex girlfriend. I have taken steps to build that trust and explained I have no intention of running off with anybody.

Roll on to this past week and it has seriously been a very difficult week for her. One of her closest friends went in for an ankle op on New Years Eve, was home on New Years Day and passed away in his sleep on the Friday night. He was only 29 and it has hit her hard. On top of which, it was the 2 year anniversary of another friends death on Monday and the inquest into her cousins death on Tuesday in which 2 men have been charged. BPD or not, that is a lot for anyone to deal with in the space of a week.

Last Sunday, I received a text to apologise in advance because she was going to shut down and push everybody away. That is was how she deals with things and that it isn't personal. I offered to go round so she didn't have to be alone but that's what she wanted to be so I left it. On Tuesday, I took some flowers around but she wasn't answering the door. Later got a text to say she had been in bed because she has hit major depression. Been sending her a text daily, just to let her know I'm still here for her and if there is anything I can do to help. The past few days, have just been complete silence, no replies but a "like" to something I put up on facebook.

It's her birthday next month and her cousin posted something on facebook about them all going out for the night. She responded to say she would but it's been a very difficult week for her and she has shut everyone out right now. Tonight she posted about getting out of the house and going to see a friend, although she didn't feel up to going initially, she was glad she did and I was pleased she did too.

I can't imagine how much of a difficult week it has been for her and it is taking its toll on me emotionally. All I want to do is put my arms around her and let her know I'm right here with her and all she wants to do is push everyone away and self destruct. It hurts to see someone going through that and know there is very little you can do to help them. I've tried to keep myself active and focused on other things as I did start to let myself slip at the start of the week but it is something constantly going around in my head and my heart really aches for what she is going through right now.

How do you deal with a pwBPD that just hits a major depressive spell and pushes everyone away?

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[Murbay]

Ok, so update on this.

Last week was a very difficult week for her and I tore myself up trying to be supportive. As I mentioned in my previous post, it was taking it's toll on me too. Realising I was starting to slide, I got myself out of the house on Friday night instead of facing 4 walls and worrying. Taking care of me so to speak, finding a little place in the middle of nowhere  to gather my thoughts and feed my strength.

Roll on this morning when I got quite an angry text from her because I had actually gone away for the evening. It was apparently OK for the silence and for me to be cast aside but not OK for me to go away for a night. I sent an apology to her and explained I was feeling myself slide and needed a break so I could gather my strength to be supportive, that the past few days she had been silent and that I also didn't want to burden her with my own issues, now it's back to the silence.

Instead of playing the game like with my exBPDw, I'm just going to take a step back. Sent a text to say I love her and miss her and leaving it at that.

[elemental]

Why apologize to her? All you did was validate her crazy. Leave her alone to self soothe. She announces to the world that she is shutting down? What a public pity party. She probably garnered a load of people rushing to her side to find out what the problem is. manipulative npd antics. Ignore.

Send your text ONCE that when she is ready to talk again, you are there, too.

Don't bother with the daily ILU stuff, it just validates her crappy behavior, puts you into co-dependant efforts where she blames you instead of taking responsibility for herself. She is BPD, been BPD for ages, knows she is, and frankly if she is not using her coping skills, you are going to knowingly let her drag you down into the pits where she gets to jerk you around endlessly until you detach and get on with your own stuff.

End result for you is going to be the same, personally I would skip over her drama and get on with your own stuff until she realizes you are not going to wring your hands and rush to her side with every public declaration of wow I am shutting down!

Anyone who genuinely wants time to themselves for whatever reason... just goes and has some time to themselves.

[Murbay]

Thank you elemental, your words make a lot of sense.

Why the apology? I guess that's something I need to work on. When any element of blame is passed my way by anyone, I do apologise. I think in some aspects it is to keep the peace, other aspects because I feel that maybe I have come across the way it wasn't intended and take responsibility if anything I have said or done is out of line. My first reaction is always that of guilt because I don't like to see people hurt. In the sense of what happened this week, the guilt came as a result of feeling selfish of wanting to take care of me when I knew that what she went through was quite a major ordeal. On the other hand, I have worried myself sick wanting to make sure she is OK, because I took that step back instead of stepping in. Many people I have spoken to, including my T say it is the right thing to do, but in terms of how I feel, it still makes me feel guilty for doing so.

I completely agree with your comment about boundaries. This week I have let things slide a little as a result of things outside her control. I'm beginning to think that is a poor excuse but that is where the ILU text comes in. To let her know I have my boundaries but also to reassure her that I do still care and it hasn't changed the way I feel about her. That is where I start to feel guilt to, it is unfair of me to let boundaries slide one moment but then try and enforce them when I realise I have let them slide. That is me being unfair and I do believe deep down, that is where the apology comes from.