It never seems to end but now I see the comedy

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So it's coming up to a year since I had a very lucky escape from my ex BPD/NPD, put several thousand miles between us, finally listened to my therapist who had been telling me for months that she was dangerous (he started out as her therapist first), went no contact. Suffered really hard because it meant leaving my daughter behind and that has had to be there hardest thing I have ever had to do.

For those who remember my earlier posts, the final nail in the coffin before NC was her trying to file 2 false charges against me. First, she filed charges that I was stalking her, hiding out in her garden and was going to steal the children away from her. Only problem with that was I was 3000 miles away, at the time so either she has a very big garden or was seeing things. The 2nd charge was attempted abduction of the children, though this allegedly happened when I wasn't even in the country to begin with. The fallout from that was a very concerned therapist calling me to tell me he was very concerned because she called him to scream and yell at him. He was the one who told me about the false allegations, that he had spoken to the police already and given his professional opinion and that I should contact them too.

The police response when I called them was not to worry about it because no charges would be filed. They said they have had a lot of experience in dealing with false allegations and although they technically have to investigate, the fact that I wasn't even in the country when these things were meant to have happened made it an open and shut case in their eyes. They even threatened to charge her for wasting police time.

Both my therapist and the police told me though, don't have any contact with her unless absolutely necessary and document any contact she has with me. My initial response was that based on what had just happened, she wouldn't have the nerve to contact me. I was so wrong and even up until yesterday I get several e-mails, and attempted skype calls a month from her. I felt quite honoured over the past week because I have had 4 e-mails, nothing nice and all nasty.

I get called every name under the sun because I have not contacted her, plenty of abuse in the e-mails about how she has been nothing but cordial and yet I won't give her the time of day. Has she really forgotten the hell she tried to cause at the start of the year? And the hell she put me through during our breif and erratic marriage?

Every e-mail follows the same pattern of you are the most evil person on the planet for not responding to ME, my life is hell and you are the cause and finished off with please respond to me and give me some kind of acknowledgement that you haven't abandoned me. The e-mails are full of guilt trips too and where I would have fallen for them a year or so ago, I see right through them now.

For example, I received an e-mail in November TELLING me I was going to help her out at Christmas and that it was for the children. This is because is is seriously struggling because I left her in debt. I never left her in debt, her student loan did that but what did happen is that when I told to leave, my salary was no longer going towards paying all the bills. I even paid off her credit card, which although it wasn't mine to pay off, I wanted to give her a start. I send money for my daughter every month without fail so she doesn't go without.

Based on the above "struggling in debt", she still paid $10,000 for a holiday in August, which is also something else that put her into debt because she has to travel first class and stay in the top hotels. Serious living above her means. As for Christmas, I did my own thing for my daughter for Christmas and wasn't being dictated to what I was to do. I had that in the marriage, I'm not having it outside of it now.

So, on the 22nd December, I get an e-mail with a breakdown of what she has paid out for Christmas on the kids. Bearing in mind she is seriously in debt, she spend $4,000 on the kids for Christmas and then demanded that by the 1st Jan I give her half of the money.

I have shared the previous e-mails with my therapist and he can't believe her audacity. The easiest thing would be not to read the e-mails but as I have explained to him, I live in the hope that one day there will be one that is actually nice and telling me what the kids are up to. I know it will never happen but I always live with that hope that one day it will. So I tend to read the e-mails then archive them, just in case they are ever needed in the future.

I think back to my progress through the year, at first I was desperate to just hear from her. Then I reached the stage where it filled me with dread when I saw the email sitting in my inbox. After which, that dread turned to anger and disbelief that she can't understand how damaging her actions were and still cannot take responsibility for those actions without putting it onto someone else.

In her eyes, she has done nothing wrong and is being the adult, I'm being childish by not responding to her or doing as she tells me to. Finally, now I just laugh at each and every e-mail, I can break it down to desperation and see straight through her. I feel really sorry for her and know that no matter what happens in life, she will always be trapped inside herself. I'm just so thankful and so glad I found this site and that I had a therapist that saw able to see the bigger picture.

[Murbay]

So it's coming up to a year since I had a very lucky escape from my ex BPD/NPD, put several thousand miles between us, finally listened to my therapist who had been telling me for months that she was dangerous (he started out as her therapist first), went no contact. Suffered really hard because it meant leaving my daughter behind and that has had to be there hardest thing I have ever had to do.

For those who remember my earlier posts, the final nail in the coffin before NC was her trying to file 2 false charges against me. First, she filed charges that I was stalking her, hiding out in her garden and was going to steal the children away from her. Only problem with that was I was 3000 miles away, at the time so either she has a very big garden or was seeing things. The 2nd charge was attempted abduction of the children, though this allegedly happened when I wasn't even in the country to begin with. The fallout from that was a very concerned therapist calling me to tell me he was very concerned because she called him to scream and yell at him. He was the one who told me about the false allegations, that he had spoken to the police already and given his professional opinion and that I should contact them too.

The police response when I called them was not to worry about it because no charges would be filed. They said they have had a lot of experience in dealing with false allegations and although they technically have to investigate, the fact that I wasn't even in the country when these things were meant to have happened made it an open and shut case in their eyes. They even threatened to charge her for wasting police time.

Both my therapist and the police told me though, don't have any contact with her unless absolutely necessary and document any contact she has with me. My initial response was that based on what had just happened, she wouldn't have the nerve to contact me. I was so wrong and even up until yesterday I get several e-mails, and attempted skype calls a month from her. I felt quite honoured over the past week because I have had 4 e-mails, nothing nice and all nasty.

I get called every name under the sun because I have not contacted her, plenty of abuse in the e-mails about how she has been nothing but cordial and yet I won't give her the time of day. Has she really forgotten the hell she tried to cause at the start of the year? And the hell she put me through during our breif and erratic marriage?

Every e-mail follows the same pattern of you are the most evil person on the planet for not responding to ME, my life is hell and you are the cause and finished off with please respond to me and give me some kind of acknowledgement that you haven't abandoned me. The e-mails are full of guilt trips too and where I would have fallen for them a year or so ago, I see right through them now.

For example, I received an e-mail in November TELLING me I was going to help her out at Christmas and that it was for the children. This is because is is seriously struggling because I left her in debt. I never left her in debt, her student loan did that but what did happen is that when I told to leave, my salary was no longer going towards paying all the bills. I even paid off her credit card, which although it wasn't mine to pay off, I wanted to give her a start. I send money for my daughter every month without fail so she doesn't go without.

Based on the above "struggling in debt", she still paid $10,000 for a holiday in August, which is also something else that put her into debt because she has to travel first class and stay in the top hotels. Serious living above her means. As for Christmas, I did my own thing for my daughter for Christmas and wasn't being dictated to what I was to do. I had that in the marriage, I'm not having it outside of it now.

So, on the 22nd December, I get an e-mail with a breakdown of what she has paid out for Christmas on the kids. Bearing in mind she is seriously in debt, she spend $4,000 on the kids for Christmas and then demanded that by the 1st Jan I give her half of the money.

I have shared the previous e-mails with my therapist and he can't believe her audacity. The easiest thing would be not to read the e-mails but as I have explained to him, I live in the hope that one day there will be one that is actually nice and telling me what the kids are up to. I know it will never happen but I always live with that hope that one day it will. So I tend to read the e-mails then archive them, just in case they are ever needed in the future.

I think back to my progress through the year, at first I was desperate to just hear from her. Then I reached the stage where it filled me with dread when I saw the email sitting in my inbox. After which, that dread turned to anger and disbelief that she can't understand how damaging her actions were and still cannot take responsibility for those actions without putting it onto someone else.

In her eyes, she has done nothing wrong and is being the adult, I'm being childish by not responding to her or doing as she tells me to. Finally, now I just laugh at each and every e-mail, I can break it down to desperation and see straight through her. I feel really sorry for her and know that no matter what happens in life, she will always be trapped inside herself. I'm just so thankful and so glad I found this site and that I had a therapist that saw able to see the bigger picture.

[Learning_curve74]

"I hate you; don't leave me." 

Sounds like you put up with a lot of craziness Murbay. Sounds like you are also making strides forward. Kudos to you. 

[heartandwhole]

Murbay,

Nice to see you!  This is rough to hear, I'm sorry you are still receiving blaming emails. I think that would wear me down.  It sounds like you are handling things well, and have made great progress in your healing. 

I second your gratitude for this site and a good therapist, they have been invaluable for me, too.

Hope you'll stay in touch and let us know how you are faring. 

[State85]

I get called every name under the sun because I have not contacted her, plenty of abuse in the e-mails about how she has been nothing but cordial and yet I won't give her the time of day. Has she really forgotten the hell she tried to cause at the start of the year? And the hell she put me through during our breif and erratic marriage?

Every e-mail follows the same pattern of you are the most evil person on the planet for not responding to ME, my life is hell and you are the cause and finished off with please respond to me and give me some kind of acknowledgement that you haven't abandoned me. The e-mails are full of guilt trips too and where I would have fallen for them a year or so ago, I see right through them now.

In her eyes, she has done nothing wrong and is being the adult, I'm being childish by not responding to her or doing as she tells me to. Finally, now I just laugh at each and every e-mail, I can break it down to desperation and see straight through her.

Wow, this sounds all too familiar with me lately. Text messages from my exgf wanting to be "friends". But I'm pretty much NC, so I'll get text messages or voice mails berating me, saying I am being mean to her and that I don't care. I get text message saying she is about to lose her house, her car, etc. Obviously trying to make me feel guilty... . about what, I don't know. It's not my problem. And you're right in her eyes, she has done nothing wrong. But you know if I bring up the past with my exgf, about all the abuse, lieing, etc., I'm told "Its in the past, let it go... . lets build a friendship"... . Amazing.

[Murbay]

I'm really sorry to hear about your ordeal State85, it sounds like you are also handling things well but I can imagine it wears you down too. It really is a difficult position to be in and I think you are doing an amazing job 

heartandwhole, a monthly e-mail following that pattern hasn't been too bad. I have read it, in case it has anything to do with the children and then deleted straight after.

What is wearing me down is the 6 e-mails I have already had this month. It seems she is upping her game and now I'm getting e-mails from her mother too full of bile and nastiness too.

"Ignoring ***** emails is getting tiresome and just reminds us all of how much hurt you have caused. I now understand why ***** and ***** took the steps they did to distance themselves from you."

In reference to the last couple of names, they refer to the mothers of my other girls and couldn't be more wrong if she tried. In regards to the mother of my eldest, my current gf had a major issue a few weeks ago because she felt we were closer that ex's should be, something I agreed with and took a step back. In terms of my middle daughter, the reason for the distance was my ex wife and her family.

The full extent of the above e-mail has kind of backfired on them. Ex-MIL sent a copy to my mum and my middle daughters mother. The result being an e-mail from her apologising, explaining that the distance had been because she was afraid of the influence that family had on me, fearful I was going to take my daughter away from her because that's what my ex wife wanted to do, and that the e-mail proved all along I had been telling the truth. End result, she wants to meet up in a couple of weeks to sit down and talk things through.

It seems my ex wife had contacted her previously to tell her she was a bad mother and that the first opportunity I got, I was going to take my daughter away from her. End result, I was allowed contact with my daughter by phone for the past year but not allowed to see her in case that was true. Thanks to the abusive e-mail I received, it has actually backfired on them as it just highlighted the truth all along. It's my daughters birthday in a couple of weeks, she wants to know if I want to come over and surprise her then take her out for the day.


Another part of the e-mail from ex-MIL I found unreal:

We ask that your mother no longer send gifts here for *****. They will be donated to a charitable organization if she continues to do so. You sent nothing for **** which is an insult after all the things we sent for your girls over the past few years.

I find it strange how they ask me to tell my mother not to send anything to her granddaughter. That's not my responsibility, nor is it their right to demand that. As for me not sending anything to my step-daughter, those of you who remember, my ex tried to press false allegation charges of child abuse which backfired on her when I could prove otherwise. She even went as far as getting the police involved and get a restraining order then tried to put the costs on me when it backfired. As much as I really wanted to, why would I put myself in a position of giving them ammunition? It was a very difficult decision to make leaving her out, but considering all the trouble my ex wife tried to cause at the start of last year, I'm certainly not going to put myself in a position to use something against me.

As for sending my girls things, that is true, though both mothers kept asking them to stop. This was a cycle I used to go through in the house and a chief cause of guilty feelings. I would be bombarded with gifts that I never asked for and didn't want. When something went wrong or I wasn't living up to their standards, I would be reminded of "what they had done for me" and the guilt kept me in a cycle. I was often called ungrateful for not accepting the gifts and it was a stick used to beat me with. It wasn't just me, they tried to control everyone the same way, their friends and family, my friends and family, even complete strangers.

I used to feel badly for the lady living next door because she would sneak out of the house to avoid them. The response was always the same "Aren't we the most wonderful people ever? We are completely selfless and help everyone" The only difference being, you said or did anything the family didn't like and you were reminded of all the great things they had done for you, 99% of the time without asking and even if you said no, they did it anyway. Thanks to a great therapist, I soon learned that this was abuse   One thing the e-mail proved is nothing has changed in that house.

Had another e-mail from my exBPDw today, telling me all the wonderful things she has done. How I'm completely selfish for not considering the stress the divorce had on her (she was the one who initiated it) and how nasty I am for not responding after all the wonderful things she did for me. She then gave me until tonight to respond to her.

It's bad enough dealing with one NPD/BPD but right now I have a family of them e-mailing me and this week really has worn me down.

[Changingman]

Comedy... .

My uBPDxw after years of push/pull, leave I'll be better off, don't go when I left, 6 months slowly getting back to leave I'll be better off... . All the c*** they do. Two beautiful kids etc. I finally realised it would never change and I needed space to raise the kids, I left properly. Tried everything to make it ok and amicable, I'll get a flat near the house etc. She raged and plotted. I'm unreachable one night for a couple of hours when my cell phone reconnected I had 5 voice mails... .

1.

Soft voice*

Listen, I think we have got ourselves into a sad place, I'm looking at the kids and think this is somehow wrong. Give me a call and let's talk. Hope you're ok

Click

2.

Hi, not sure if you got my last message, the kids deserve more than this from us I just think it's so sad for them and us. Call me when you get this message I'm sure you're missing them as much as they're missing you.

Click

3.

Not so soft voice*

I don't know what you're doing but we need to talk, the kids are hurting and we NEED to talk. Call me

Click

4.

Angry voice*

Cal me now, you're f****** up everyone's lives, you're being so selfish I can't believe it. There is no need for this, call me. Do you know what this is doing to the kids? It's destroying them. Your such a B****** to them how could you... . Steely voice* Phone. Me.

Click

5.

Raging then screaming voice*

I'm gonna f*** your life up, you'll never see the kids ever again. That's it, it's OVER, never phoneme or the house ever again. I'm gonna get you. You're gonna suffer for this GOODBYE

click


All in the space of 40 minutes!

I remember thinking, you have no idea who I am. I would have run back for the kids, but she couldn't reach that connection, didn't know where it was, seemed unaware of it. Didn't have the words of love and caring, alien to her.

I laughed how she had condensed a 6 month cycle into 40 minutes! I didn't even know she had BPD/NPD at the time.

So sad, I tried so hard for 14 years and it just got worse and worse as we did better and better.

New man in her life, has 2 children seems nice guy, guess what... .

Rages at him every Saturday in front of his kids and ours.

They do not get better the high functioning ones, why change!

[Tincanmike]

When you see the comedy in it, you are making progress in clarity of vision.  Distance and no contact equates into looking at the issues from the outside, objectively.  I see her actions and words from a better place now and sometimes I just have to laugh.  Especially after educating myself to the inner-workings of the BPD.  I knew she probably had Bi-Polar as she was diagnosed, but now I am positive she displays all the earmarks of BPD.  I now see how it controls her and manipulates her thought processes.  It's really not funny at all. Tragic comedy.  I guess I laugh because she is predictable.  It's like figuring out a mystery novel half way through.  And it is validation that we are not just imagining their illness.  It is there, it is real.  With this validation comes a variety of emotions.  Laughter is a good sign that we are distancing ourselves from the needless pain and delusion we create to ease our own pain.  Time to face the facts and get off of the merry-go-round.

[Moonie75]

Tincanmike,

Yes "tragic comedy" is bang on the money!

You couldn't have summed it up better!

[oblivian2013]

After 6 months of therapy and N/C, last week my therapist said it was the first time he heard me laugh - when I first started seeing him I was a nervous wreck. Laughter is the best medicine. Still a ways to go to close this chapter of my life, but looking forward to the next.