getting better at boundaries... she's still a child

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

For those that didn't see it in another thread, our home was robbed last night. After the cops left, and just before our unproductive argument recycling the issues of our r/s, we talked custody. Good that she is letting me lead in this regard, but she is still trying to gain an angle monetarily, even though I am going by the law, hurting me financially, but that is my issue with which to deal.

She still wants me to rescue her if "something comes up." She said maybe I could pay $200 less/mo to her and see how it goes. I said I wouldn't be averse to her gifting me cash back if she chose. Then she said that she would want to sign something to protect her. I said the money was all coming from me so what is there to protect? She tried to force the issue and I finally said, "I'm nit going to be your bank. Take $100 or so a month and put it into a separate saving account for you in case you need tires, a car repair, or something like that. You will now manage part of my income, and that is your responsibility."

Today, we talked about it again (now that the broken windows are fixed and buttoned up), and she still was trying to get me to pay her less, then doing the rest in cash. I said no. I want a paper trail, it will be by the book/guideline, and if they raise her rent because she goes into the next low income housing subsidy bracket, then that is just the way it is. She finally agreed. I'm paying the retainer on Monday to get it going. Could have done this almost 2 months ago! Now that she's back near her emotional baseline, as Ironman calls it, its time to get this done.

She's still unstable though. She was bathing D1 and had some motivational video running on her phone in the bathroom, like she had it running last night when she was cleaning up the burglary mess in the bedroom. She was also reading some m scott peck book on happiness tonight as I and S3 were playing in the living room. She was reading it out loud. Wow... . just wow.

The point of this post, I guess, is to say that I am finally standing up for myself and feeling good about it. In middle age, I am finally growing up.

Btw, she was lying on her bed (the couch), and texting as I was checking security, remounting an alarm sensor. Was sending a long text to her boy toy because she quickly lowered the angle of her phone when I walked by. It will be interesting to see how the r/s between two love addicts evolves, and while we will remain n/c as much as we are able with two kids, I know she will contact me once she starts having troub le. It took 8 most with us for her to do that to her previous bf when we had trouble in Y1, but we were living together. She won't do that with him due to the kids, so it might be longer. But it will happen its her pattern. Or it won't, and I'll be wondering. Still stuck at G a bit, I guess... .

[Turkish]

For those that didn't see it in another thread, our home was robbed last night. After the cops left, and just before our unproductive argument recycling the issues of our r/s, we talked custody. Good that she is letting me lead in this regard, but she is still trying to gain an angle monetarily, even though I am going by the law, hurting me financially, but that is my issue with which to deal.

She still wants me to rescue her if "something comes up." She said maybe I could pay $200 less/mo to her and see how it goes. I said I wouldn't be averse to her gifting me cash back if she chose. Then she said that she would want to sign something to protect her. I said the money was all coming from me so what is there to protect? She tried to force the issue and I finally said, "I'm nit going to be your bank. Take $100 or so a month and put it into a separate saving account for you in case you need tires, a car repair, or something like that. You will now manage part of my income, and that is your responsibility."

Today, we talked about it again (now that the broken windows are fixed and buttoned up), and she still was trying to get me to pay her less, then doing the rest in cash. I said no. I want a paper trail, it will be by the book/guideline, and if they raise her rent because she goes into the next low income housing subsidy bracket, then that is just the way it is. She finally agreed. I'm paying the retainer on Monday to get it going. Could have done this almost 2 months ago! Now that she's back near her emotional baseline, as Ironman calls it, its time to get this done.

She's still unstable though. She was bathing D1 and had some motivational video running on her phone in the bathroom, like she had it running last night when she was cleaning up the burglary mess in the bedroom. She was also reading some m scott peck book on happiness tonight as I and S3 were playing in the living room. She was reading it out loud. Wow... . just wow.

The point of this post, I guess, is to say that I am finally standing up for myself and feeling good about it. In middle age, I am finally growing up.

Btw, she was lying on her bed (the couch), and texting as I was checking security, remounting an alarm sensor. Was sending a long text to her boy toy because she quickly lowered the angle of her phone when I walked by. It will be interesting to see how the r/s between two love addicts evolves, and while we will remain n/c as much as we are able with two kids, I know she will contact me once she starts having troub le. It took 8 most with us for her to do that to her previous bf when we had trouble in Y1, but we were living together. She won't do that with him due to the kids, so it might be longer. But it will happen its her pattern. Or it won't, and I'll be wondering. Still stuck at G a bit, I guess... .

[santa]

You're sure she didn't do the burglary, right? 

[Ironmanrises]

For those that didn't see it in another thread, our home was robbed last night. After the cops left, and just before our unproductive argument recycling the issues of our r/s, we talked custody. Good that she is letting me lead in this regard, but she is still trying to gain an angle monetarily, even though I am going by the law, hurting me financially, but that is my issue with which to deal.

She still wants me to rescue her if "something comes up." She said maybe I could pay $200 less/mo to her and see how it goes. I said I wouldn't be averse to her gifting me cash back if she chose. Then she said that she would want to sign something to protect her. I said the money was all coming from me so what is there to protect? She tried to force the issue and I finally said, "I'm nit going to be your bank. Take $100 or so a month and put it into a separate saving account for you in case you need tires, a car repair, or something like that. You will now manage part of my income, and that is your responsibility."

Today, we talked about it again (now that the broken windows are fixed and buttoned up), and she still was trying to get me to pay her less, then doing the rest in cash. I said no. I want a paper trail, it will be by the book/guideline, and if they raise her rent because she goes into the next low income housing subsidy bracket, then that is just the way it is. She finally agreed. I'm paying the retainer on Monday to get it going. Could have done this almost 2 months ago! Now that she's back near her emotional baseline, as Ironman calls it, its time to get this done.

She's still unstable though. She was bathing D1 and had some motivational video running on her phone in the bathroom, like she had it running last night when she was cleaning up the burglary mess in the bedroom. She was also reading some m scott peck book on happiness tonight as I and S3 were playing in the living room. She was reading it out loud. Wow... . just wow.

Her trying to get an angle monetarily is another form of control she is trying to impose on you. She knows her control over you is waning as the time comes for her to no longer be living with you as the base under the same roof. That book she was reading out loud reminds me of my Medusa trying to portray that "personal development" facade during devaluation in round 2. I got chest pains reading that line. She isnt happy and thus is literally reading that book and reading it out loud so that you and herself will literally believe that she is. Saddening and maddening at the same time. Just like that personal development bullsh¥t i witnessed from mine. A facade to hide a fragmented personality. Hopefully no more people try and rob your house my friend, twice in a row is 2 times too many. You have enough things on your plate to contend with as is. We are here for you Turkish.

[Turkish]

You're sure she didn't do the burglary, right?  

A friend who lives out of town was sending all sorts of texts this morning implying that. He never liked her... . no, I know her well. She isn't a horror story like some of you have here. Even so, I gave the first responding cop a 30s rundown of the situation when X was in the other room. I gave him the name of her boy toy and the school he goes to. He implied they'd probably run a background check... . I don't think it was him, but I realized I was still being a CoD enabler by not telling the cop his name when the first burglary happened. I have every freaking right to protect my home and my kids, and if they actually go talk to him, which she would find out, things could get vewy interesting!

[Perfidy]

You're sure she didn't do the burglary, right? 

To much coincidence for it to be coincidence

[Turkish]

Thanks, IM. Medusa, I like that. Greek myth is so full of applicable allusions to our experiences with a pwBPD. I agree. "Control, control. You must learn control!"

That's for me :^)

[Turkish]

You're sure she didn't do the burglary, right?  

To much coincidence for it to be coincidence

No. She was in the car with the kids... . actually talking to the cops when I got home. Wow. I must paint her as some kind of devil here! She's a disordered, periodically emotionally and verbally abusive waif queen, nothing more. High functioning.

My religious/spiritual opinion is that evil attached itself to her, and she brought it back. So many things started going wrong around here since August when all this blew up... .

[strikeforce]

Isn't this the second time this has happened?

Sorry to hear 

[Turkish]

Isn't this the second time this has happened?

Sorry to hear 

Yes. They came directly for firearms this time. Its not unexpected. They must have seen the safe last time, which is why I got the alarm system installed the day that happened.  This has been a common MO in this part of town. They might even come back in a few months.  I will get a camera system up soon after I deal with the eXit. Cameras won't stop it, but it is evidence which could help catch someone. If I didn't have kids, id probably sell the house and look for a job out of state. Of course with no kds, I wouldn't have bought the house. Its better for me to stay and face things rather than running, which is what she is doing.

[caughtnreleased]

You're sure she didn't do the burglary, right?  

To much coincidence for it to be coincidence

No. She was in the car with the kids... . actually talking to the cops when I got home. Wow. I must paint her as some kind of devil here! She's a disordered, periodically emotionally and verbally abusive waif queen, nothing more. High functioning.

My religious/spiritual opinion is that evil attached itself to her, and she brought it back. So many things started going wrong around here since August when all this blew up... .

I also got burglared 3 months into NC with my pwBPD.  I don't think this is part of their MO... . or is it? I didn't suspect him... . but the thought did cross my mind, and I dismissed it.

[sun seeker]

 Lmao Arn     

[maxen]

that's awful turkish, i'm sorry it happened. i've been burgled, i remember walking around in disbelief for a bit before i could accept it. very violative.

After the cops left, and just before our unproductive argument recycling the issues of our r/s, we talked custody.

i'm sorry about that too.

[Turkish]

that's awful turkish, i'm sorry it happened. i've been burgled, i remember walking around in disbelief for a bit before i could accept it. very violative.

After the cops left, and just before our unproductive argument recycling the issues of our r/s, we talked custody.

i'm sorry about that too.

At least they didn't take the tablet this time, the new one I replaced after the old one was stolen. I compulsively read books on it... . and post here. Thanks.