Something to think about

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So we had a really rough weekend here. They all suck - 48 hours of BPD fun four times a month, uninterrupted - but this one was bad. I think he made it a goal to irritate me as much as possible. He did, but I largely ignored him.

Which leads me to today. I was still reeling from the weekend and decided to reach out to an old friend whose advice has never led me astray. I gave her the condensed version of how things have been going and how I was at a crossroads. I repeated my go-to line of "I just don't think he is ever going to get better within the confines of this marriage; that as long as we are together he will revert to faulty coping skills that turn our lives upside down every day and I will forever be to blame for everything."

And then she said, "Stop worrying about him. He has proven he can't be your partner. The one thing we know for certain is as long as you remain in this marriage YOU will never be able to become the person you want to be and live your life in a way that makes YOU happy. Quit being the cheerleader for the losing team (him) and become your own. You deserve and are worth so much more than this."

And you know what? She was right. I deserve so much more than this and so do each of you. Saying a quick prayer for all of this that we find our way out of this insanity and get to the other side. I have it on good authority it is pretty fabulous over there.

Best part? She is flying me in for a girls' weekend for spring break. My whole support system is there and I can't wait, BPD rage be damned.

[karma_gal]

So we had a really rough weekend here. They all suck - 48 hours of BPD fun four times a month, uninterrupted - but this one was bad. I think he made it a goal to irritate me as much as possible. He did, but I largely ignored him.

Which leads me to today. I was still reeling from the weekend and decided to reach out to an old friend whose advice has never led me astray. I gave her the condensed version of how things have been going and how I was at a crossroads. I repeated my go-to line of "I just don't think he is ever going to get better within the confines of this marriage; that as long as we are together he will revert to faulty coping skills that turn our lives upside down every day and I will forever be to blame for everything."

And then she said, "Stop worrying about him. He has proven he can't be your partner. The one thing we know for certain is as long as you remain in this marriage YOU will never be able to become the person you want to be and live your life in a way that makes YOU happy. Quit being the cheerleader for the losing team (him) and become your own. You deserve and are worth so much more than this."

And you know what? She was right. I deserve so much more than this and so do each of you. Saying a quick prayer for all of this that we find our way out of this insanity and get to the other side. I have it on good authority it is pretty fabulous over there.

Best part? She is flying me in for a girls' weekend for spring break. My whole support system is there and I can't wait, BPD rage be damned.

[goldylamont]

i really loved this post. and i can say that one thing i realized through my trials with my ex was how deeply grateful i was for my friends. they helped me through the worst time in my life. a toast to your girlfriend! and an excellent decision to go on a trip--of course this will trigger the hell out of your H but it's important for you to follow through and live for you. you have a great friend and an excellent outlook on life. 

[waverider]

You are choosing to be on his team

Give him the opportunity to choose be on your team

Your team can play regardless of who is in the team, it is not member dependent

A team wins or fail on the strength of a good manager

A good supporter base gives the validation to try harder, despite set  backs

[Obibens]

Give him the opportunity to choose be on your team

Let me state that I have just finished an hour long discussion with my spouse that really should have taken 5 minutes at most, so I'm probably letting my frustrations color my perceptions.  I'm a little confused by these statements. My wife is also the master of the subtle insult, so I could be reading way too much between the lines.

I get what you are saying about giving him the opportunity to chose to be on the team, but it sure seems like she has done that many times over.  Isn't the reality that they will never choose to be on the team, because they are certian that they are already on the right team and actually are waiting for YOU to join?  It almost seems like you have to trick them into joining the team.

A team wins or fail on the strength of a good manager

The team/manager analogy seems to put the responsibility squarely on her shoulders.  To apply it to her situation - If this marriage fails, its because she wasn't a good enough manager - at least that's how it comes across to me. But you know what, maybe that's just the harsh reality of the situation.

A good supporter base gives the validation to try harder, despite set  backs

I agree, to a certain extent.  But because she stated her valued support base has given her the advice that maybe it is time to move on, this could be misconstrued that maybe her support base isn't all that good.  I have valued supporters that have said that maybe it's time for me to leave, but the can also see why I would want to stay, and they'll do what they can to help either way.

I don't mean to come across as confrontational, especially since you give such great advice to all on this board.  I am really just asking for clarification, since it is likely I'm just in a hyper-sensitive mode.    And that would give me insight into dealing with my own emotions I wrestle with in my situation.    

[waverider]

As this is the undecided board, the goal here is not to save a RS at all costs. It is to have a good life, that may mean sacrificing the RS. Karma Girl needs to decide what is right for her, if he can't act in a way that this is possible then that may be time to let him go.

There comes a time when those 5 hour long conversations that go nowhere can emotionally drain you to the point that you can no longer be functional in your own life.

Sometimes you have to force the issue if you want to get out of the Undecided zone. Something has to change or everything stays exactly the same.

Being quite clear about what your own goals and expectations are is a good start, then you have to start living them. Your partner will then have to make changes to adapt or be left behind.

Giving him the chance to choose is not asking him to, then waiting for him to do so. It is acting and getting on with it yourself.

The responsibility is on our own shoulders, it is our life, and we will wear the consequences. Putting the responsibility for your future on the shoulders of a pwBPD is not the wisest thing to attempt, regardless of how unfair it is.

The reference to manager is management of our own future, of which any RS is only an optional component. If the other person in a RS does not want to be a part of it by choice then there is no point flogging it. A pwBPD will often not make choices unless they absolutely have to, they will buck pass endlessly.

Support gives you the strength to carry on, but neither does a good manager allow supporters to make management decisions.

[Obibens]

waverider -

I totally get what you are saying now.  Obviously I'm pretty much in the same boat as Karma, so I can say your advice applies to me as well.  Thank you for the clarifications!  It's so nice when you can have a dialog like this with someone :-)

[Obibens]

Karma - I hope I didn't hijack your thread.  If so, I apologize :-)