ok... I'll admit it. I need help.

[broken3]

hey all,

I am going through the final stages of my divorce from my stbxw.

I run a small business from my home and have custody of my kids. And I have the house etc.

Long story short. Stbxw stole money from the business. I found out. closed the business account. Then the next day I found out about boyfriend. Then a PFA was issued against me while i was not even in the house. Contempt of court issued for checking on kids in school.

I could not see my kids for over a month.

Second PFA attempted for stalking because I was driving down main street, then CFS called because I was "allegedly punching holes in walls and inhibiting their therapy". When the complete opposite is true. CFS closed case and wrote letter to family court stating "unfounded".

All the PFA's were dismissed or withdrawn as I was ready to fight.

Ok heres the hard part.

I now have my attorney stating that I have to pay her alimony for the next 5 years!.

I live in  Pa. And I paid for a bs degree a few years ago for her so she could get a decent job. But she sat on it for years. And because of that. And also because she only now recently works in child care full time. I am supposed to pay alimony.

I will add that i don't get a dime in support. And that i currently pay over $500.00 per month in APL (lawyer money).

Do I just sit back and take it? Is my attorney just looking to get out with a quick settlement?

Please help.

[Waddams]

Not sure how these things work in PA, but in my location, if you can prove adultery, there's no alimony. 

That said, if you want to fight it, then fight it.  If you want a second opinion, get a second opinion.  Take your post and stick it up on Avvo.com for lawyers in your area, or go for a consult with a different attorney.

Why isn't she paying CS?  That seems like something you could fight for too.

[livednlearned]

First of all, great that you got custody. And the house. 

Not sure I understand... . even if she got a degree while she was living with you, that doesn't cancel out alimony. At least, I've never heard of that. Where I live, alimony is usually based on the amount of years you were married divided by 2 (so married 10, alimony for 5), and depends on a discrepancy in incomes after the marriage ends. My lawyer told me that kids suffer a lot when there is a disparity in living standards between parents, and alimony helps offset some of the financial shock. But alimony is also about giving the lower-earning spouse a period of time to adjust to the change in living standards, and get a better job or whatever.

Are you in a no-fault state? Where I live, same as Waddams, if the other spouse committed adultery, you wouldn't have to pay alimony, but it has to be handled a certain way, with evidence presented at a certain point.

[broken3]

Waddams and lnl,

Lawyer says that the infidelity only cancels out spousal support. Not alimony.

Yes I do make three times as much as her. Because I have been working since I am 16 years old and built my business with zero help. And I did it while working a full time job because my old industry was on very shaky grounds.

I foresaw the future ( I was the last man standing),and advised her it was time she started working.

I then paid for the last credits for her degree (2008). Then found out she needed one more math credit for certification.

I stayed and took care of house and kids and she completed credit and was certified.

Fast forward to no job till June of 2012 ( at a box retailer which is where she met the boyfriend). 6 weeks later is when the money went missing and I find out about her "friend".

The master that oversaw my case imputed her at minimum wage. And then could not understand how I could not go back to working the full time job, and run the business, and now how come I can't do that. But also take care of the kids and house by myself.

I guess I must be superman.

Yet here I sit with my GED. While she is a certified teacher ( who now works at a child care center). I pay over $500.00 per month. I don't get a dime in support. And they want alimony for the next 5-7 years?

Jeez... . Its bad enough it has taken this long. If I have to be financially tied to this person for another 5 years. It will drive me crazy. I have hundreds of threats regarding the APL. " if you are one day late I am calling police", " I didnt get this months payment" I am calling for contempt", " there is a warrant for your arrest for non-payment".   

[marbleloser]

I don't understand how you're not getting child support if you have primary custody.Also, since status quo was established of you holding a full time job and running a business,that's where you made a mistake. You didn't see it coming,but the court system will punish those who work hard. I closed my business 5 years before filing.This was one reason.

I also don't understand why her wages were not imputed to what her potential to earn is,with her degree,but I'd bet you didn't present that to the court. You can still ask for a modification. Get history on what her earning potential is with her degree. Look up jobs that require the degree and see what the starting wage is.I'd bet it's more than minimum.

I'd seriously talk to another attorney and get their take.

[broken3]

marble,

Since I make more than her. Using the states formula. I would normally have to pay her $1100.00 in APL. The state then deducts child support she should pay for $550.00. I have to then pay over $500.00.

I was blindsided. I had no idea I was being robbed, and cheated on as (at the time) I was working out of town for several weeks.

When I came home is when things looked a little fishy.

New clothes, gym membership, hair done, nails done, gone till all ungodly hours, missing bank statements, hiding her cell phone when I walked into a room, etc, etc.

BS in Art education. Even though when she went for the final certification. I said she should get certified in special ed. As there are tons of jobs out there.

She refused. " because she could not do that. It would be too stressful".

[marbleloser]

That's pretty normal. The only thing that will stop alimony is if she cohabitates or re-marries, and you can prove it.

Looks like the judge,in awarding you the home,tried to be fair and awarded her alimony.

Look at it this way,you got the appreciating asset(the home) and she gets $500 per month,of which is going to be used to help care for the children,hopefully.

[marbleloser]

One more thing.Alimony is tax deductable,while child support is not. So,you can take that deduction on your taxes as well.

[broken3]

"which is going to be used to help care for the children,hopefully."

Thats a hoot... .

She asks me to pay for gas to get the kids, if I go out of town for a couple of dasys. I have to pay her.

constantly demands... . kids need shoes, new jackets, hats, tampons, soap. Just because she can.

She started out only doing 19% of visitation for over a year.

Then the boyfriend exited stage left. And now she is up to 50%.  

[Free One]

Lawyer says that the infidelity only cancels out spousal support. Not alimony.

What is the difference between spousal support and alimony?

[broken3]

Spousal support is temporary till the divorce.

Alimony is after the divorce.

[Nope]

You are in a great position. You've got primary with the kids, as others have said you've got the major marital asset (the house), you probably get to claim a deduction for both kids on your taxes, and alimony is tax deductible. You are under no obligation to give her money for stuff the kids need! Buy the kids what they need when they are with you. Period. She will ask for anything. That doesn't mean she is entitled to it or should get it.

Little side story: Kid's BPD mom called my S.O. right before the kids were coming to us for summer vacation complaining that the kids had school supply lists that were very long and expensive and asking if she could give him the list and if he'd buy some of the supplies while he had them this summer. Not an out of line request in a normal situation. But a BPD parent isn't a normal situation. She got really made at him for refusing to help. Then she promptly used the child support to live off of while she spent the summer temporarily moved down to working only part time and going to several concerts. She had her very elderly grandmother buy the kids school supplies.

I don't blame you for feeling really put out over the fact that you helped foot the bill for her schooling and will now see that come to nothing. But that might have happened anyway because it doesn't sound like she picked the most in-demand subject for teaching. If she didn't have a PD you would very likely at least be in the same boat you are now. You were married to her for x amount of time and so your alimony is y. I know after everything you've been through it feels like a revictimization to have to pay her. But had you stayed with her you would have lost a lot more money and would have been victimized even more in other ways. When kids or a significant amount of time are involved there is absolutely no way to get away totally clean.

[livednlearned]

She started out only doing 19% of visitation for over a year.

Then the boyfriend exited stage left. And now she is up to 50%.  

It sounds like you have that pretty well-documented -- the 19%?

About the spousal support/alimony, you could possibly make the argument that she is qualified to make more money, except if she's working child care, and that's what her certification is in, you may just get an eye roll from the judge.

I dunno. It seems like your lawyer is telling it like it is.

[marbleloser]

"She asks me to pay for gas to get the kids, if I go out of town for a couple of dasys. I have to pay her.

constantly demands... . kids need shoes, new jackets, hats, tampons, soap. Just because she can."

You don't have to do ANY of this. When I realized that my life and my decisions were my own,my stress level dropped drastically. You have primary,the home,and your RID of her living with you.You'll never be completely out of touch,because of children,but think of the $500 per month as the cost of your freedom and well being. It's well worth it,and temporary. She has no control over you anymore,but she's going to try to keep that control.She knows which buttons of your to push. Don't let her. Live your life with the kids and send her a check once a month. That's all you need to do.

[david]

I live in Pa and I believe alimony for 5 years means you were married for 20. If it was less time than 5 years is too long.

If she moves in with someone than it can also be dismissed.

Another thing, since the court used the child support calculation to figure out the alimony you can go back after three years to address child support. If she starts working by then you may be entitled to child support of some amount which would offset the alimony.

There is a grass roots organization called face (family and childrens equality). Look them up online and find the closest place they have meetings. They gave me a lot of very helpful advice.

I would not give her any more money than the court ordered. If she needs more she will have to get a job.

How old are the kids ?

[Soulsisters]

It is so tricky with the courts.

Almost like everyone has lost a true sense of right and wrong, it is sad.

I was married to a BPD for 20 years.  10 of it was sheer hell.  But when it came to court and money I gave it all away including the house.  If I wasn't away and quick I would die.  I seriously would not have been ok.

If I had to wait on his alimony check to live it would screw me up as well( and he makes tons).

I got enough money to figure out how to do it on my own for 2 years( less than a third of one year wages).

But I breathe.  I am smart.  I thank god it is over.