Does your younger child, or sibling acknowledge their BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was in the very unusual position of being the emotional confidant of a girl I believe may have BPD. She thought I was out of her life for good and moved on four months ago. It was a shock to the system when she stopped mirroring my ideals after moving on. She changed completely, yet still contacted me whenever she was feeling emotionally low. She is currently in a phase where she's focused her life on promiscuity, alcohol, drugs and in her words ":)GAFing". She's been with 10+ guys in the last four months, all the first or second night of meeting them. Yet in her words she is looking for love. Nice guys are boring and she doesn't care for them. Her favorite relationships in the past few months have been a significantly older guy who just got out of heroine rehab, a former drug dealer, and the current guy who is unemployed but will happily drink all day with her, have sex nonstop, and give her free tattoos. She's having so much fun now and in her words is "living the life" so she there is no problem.

She's only 20 so I fear it may be many years before she even suspects that something could be amiss. I've read you should never confront people with BPD, as they live in strong denial, and being confronted makes things worse. So I'm wondering how young people become aware of the issue, and how you guys as parents, siblings, and inlaws have approached it.

[lostatseas]

I was in the very unusual position of being the emotional confidant of a girl I believe may have BPD. She thought I was out of her life for good and moved on four months ago. It was a shock to the system when she stopped mirroring my ideals after moving on. She changed completely, yet still contacted me whenever she was feeling emotionally low. She is currently in a phase where she's focused her life on promiscuity, alcohol, drugs and in her words ":)GAFing". She's been with 10+ guys in the last four months, all the first or second night of meeting them. Yet in her words she is looking for love. Nice guys are boring and she doesn't care for them. Her favorite relationships in the past few months have been a significantly older guy who just got out of heroine rehab, a former drug dealer, and the current guy who is unemployed but will happily drink all day with her, have sex nonstop, and give her free tattoos. She's having so much fun now and in her words is "living the life" so she there is no problem.

She's only 20 so I fear it may be many years before she even suspects that something could be amiss. I've read you should never confront people with BPD, as they live in strong denial, and being confronted makes things worse. So I'm wondering how young people become aware of the issue, and how you guys as parents, siblings, and inlaws have approached it.

[lostatseas]

I should add that she is high functioning. She hides all her emotions from her friends. Her best friends are twins, and another girl, however she mirrors them each so much that she refuses to ever let them meet as she acts completely different around them. Her friends think she's just crazy and having fun. Partying like a college girl should. Some guys have already been stung, but they think she's just slutty and she doesn't care.

My point is that I may be the only person on earth who even suspects that there is something wrong.

[Surnia]

  lostatseas

Welcome here on board.

Its not easy to see someone in such a life style, with drugs, alcohol and promiscuity. I can understand you are worried.

I think the only thing you can do for her is when she is really down, recommend her to reach out for support through a therapist, without mentioning BPD.

How are you doing in all this? You are here on the undecided board, do you have some hope she will come back to you?

[lostatseas]

I've already "moved on" so to speak. I told her not to contact me again and she said okay. Just not in my mind. It was a very twisted thing and extremely complicated. I've never met the person. We live on opposite sides of the country. At the same time we spent an extreme amount of time together just talking and hanging out. Imagine 1500+ hours. We would message all day, and then go on skype all night for a long time. For a long time I was the only person in her life. She fed my white knight complex of saving the damsel, as she would constantly come to be feeling bad, and sad. She would listen to all these sad songs about love and heartbreak, and at times uncontrollably cry. She would watch movies like notebook and idealize the relationship of love conquering all, and break down and cry. I had no idea what BPD was back then, and my initial thought was she was just a passionate girl who was lonely.

Our friendship followed the weirdest path, which after reading about BPD wasn't very weird. We stopped talking like 10 times, everytime I was sad, and really thought it was over. But miraculously out of the blue she would suddenly contact me usually after a disappointment, or a guy situation didn't go her way. The most worrisome moment was after 1 1/2 months, she suddenly emailed me saying "You don't have to reply, but I think I might do something stupid, and had to tell someone." She had given up her virginity to a guy she just met who reminded her of a rock star she loved. But the morning after she found out he was a loser, who listened to terrible music, was proud of being a ballerina, and was incredibly poor. That's why she reached out to me, and stated she was going through the "war of my life" (a john mayer song).

Reading more and more about BPD has shed light on so many things. I myself am suffering from chronic depression and acted extremely emotionally needy with her. I would send her these long emails telling her what I thought, and how I felt. Thinking about it now, most normal people wouldn't deal with that. But she seemed to be fine with it. I think she enjoyed the attention and knowing somebody really cared about her. That allowed her to open up a side of herself she usually keeps hidden, as she is very high functioning. She says she's not an emotional person, and her friends don't see her as emotional. Which is weird because she is the most emotional person I've ever met. She used to tell me how her best friends aren't allowed to meet because it would be too weird. But I've realized it's because she acts differently with each best friend, just like she acts differently with me. It's the mirroring. She never went to her friends emotionally, she used me for that, which is why she kept coming back in her worst times.

That makes it hard as I may be the only person on earth who suspects she suffers from BPD. Her life in many ways is better than ever. She went from having no social life on her computer with me everyday. To doing things, meeting new people, and having "relationships" with guys. She appears happy, and if you never saw the sides I saw you would think she's your basic college student. But I've seen behind the curtains. This girl always knew there was something going on in her. I've seen her personal tumblr posts, I've seen the constant sadness, and I've seen her soundtrack to life. Before she moved on she was listening to songs about me saving her soul, and being afraid of the darkness inside her. She thought I was gone for good, and started listening to songs about not seeing what I saw inside her, and being consumed by evil. Now she listens to Disturbed - Down with sickness, innocence lost, and wanting to get better but accepting the real her.

I didn't cause this, yet at the same time I'm the only one right now who even suspects something could be wrong. But she wouldn't listen to me if I tried talking to her. The last time I talked to she rewrote the past and said all the sad times never happened. She was never sad. I used to think she was a liar, but she really believes it. Her denial has rewritten history. She blamed me for projecting any issues on her. I mentioned she was crazy once in a joking way and she got seriously offended. So I cannot talk to her, and I cannot talk to anybody actually in her life. They wouldn't believe me anyway. "Hi I know your daughter seems happier than ever but I think she may suffer from a debilitating, potentailly harmful mental disorder. No you can't see the symptoms as she hidden them from you. BTW I'm a fair bit older and have never actually met your daughter and you can trust me."

So I'm a bit tortured. I know she could really use a stable anchor who is a good influence on her. But I can't be that person without losing myself. I still find myself getting anxious and checking her twitter periodically. Just today she tweeted "I have too much love to give and I swear it'll be my downfall.", "Girl, you are going to break with a heart like that." "I'd like to know that your love Is love I can be sure of... . will you still love me tomorrow?" Little does she know how right she is. Those are the emotions that will lead a BPD down the road to emotional oblivion. What if I find out one day she committed suicide? How will I live with the guilt?