I Ended It When She Asked For a Break

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I dated a BPD for three years.  She was needy in the first months of the relationship, though she acted weirdly distant at times and now I understand why.  Eventually we were in a relationship, though she lived 3 hrs. away.  After the first year I discovered she was sexting with a former student of hers and she had been terminated from her job as a teacher for sleeping with another student.  The incident that got her fired was something she immediately revealed, but I shrugged it off as a mistake.  I'm good friends with her youngest sister and her brother-in-law.  I've known her bro-in-law since Jr. High and we went to college together.  We all thought she just made a huge error in judgment, but that it was one time thing.

Obviously this didn't help us over the next two years and I continued to be told she'd never reach out to any former students, but of course she did.  She snatched her phone from my hand on one occasion when she asked me to answer the phone and various other weird things that never did cease or add up.  When I look back now I cannot get out of my head how strange many of the things that surrounded her were, mostly her online presence. 

So last December, just before my graduation from my Master's program she picked a fight with me over sleeping arrangements at her parents house and then texted me she wanted a break.  I told her if we took a break there was no way I trusted her enough to remain faithful.  After a couple of weeks of asking for another chance only later to tell me she had gotten very comfortable with us just being friends I asked her to stop contacting me, which she did.  I've now been NC for three weeks and I miss her and wish she would call, but I know if I call her it will empower her and make her react very emboldened towards me.  I fight with the onslaught of emotions daily and I hope like hell one day she won't be what I think about first or appear in my dreams.  I also know that being with her means very little chance of a normal life, she's 42 years old and lives with her Mom and Dad, who have taken care of her since being fired from her teaching job.  She works part-time at a library and baby sits for another family member to pay her minimal bills.  Perhaps moving on with me triggered her fears about being a real adult again.  I wish I knew if this was over another guy, but I ultimately know it was about her pathology, not my mild jealousy.   

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I dated a BPD for three years.  She was needy in the first months of the relationship, though she acted weirdly distant at times and now I understand why.  Eventually we were in a relationship, though she lived 3 hrs. away.  After the first year I discovered she was sexting with a former student of hers and she had been terminated from her job as a teacher for sleeping with another student.  The incident that got her fired was something she immediately revealed, but I shrugged it off as a mistake.  I'm good friends with her youngest sister and her brother-in-law.  I've known her bro-in-law since Jr. High and we went to college together.  We all thought she just made a huge error in judgment, but that it was one time thing.

Obviously this didn't help us over the next two years and I continued to be told she'd never reach out to any former students, but of course she did.  She snatched her phone from my hand on one occasion when she asked me to answer the phone and various other weird things that never did cease or add up.  When I look back now I cannot get out of my head how strange many of the things that surrounded her were, mostly her online presence. 

So last December, just before my graduation from my Master's program she picked a fight with me over sleeping arrangements at her parents house and then texted me she wanted a break.  I told her if we took a break there was no way I trusted her enough to remain faithful.  After a couple of weeks of asking for another chance only later to tell me she had gotten very comfortable with us just being friends I asked her to stop contacting me, which she did.  I've now been NC for three weeks and I miss her and wish she would call, but I know if I call her it will empower her and make her react very emboldened towards me.  I fight with the onslaught of emotions daily and I hope like hell one day she won't be what I think about first or appear in my dreams.  I also know that being with her means very little chance of a normal life, she's 42 years old and lives with her Mom and Dad, who have taken care of her since being fired from her teaching job.  She works part-time at a library and baby sits for another family member to pay her minimal bills.  Perhaps moving on with me triggered her fears about being a real adult again.  I wish I knew if this was over another guy, but I ultimately know it was about her pathology, not my mild jealousy.   

[sun seeker]

 Sorry hear your going through this. Your story sounds very familiar.  Im feeling the same way your are .

What you have to realize is BPDers have HUGE abandonment issues. They can't be alone its one of there biggest fears it consumes them. I would put money on it that "I need a break"means she has found a replacement... .   Myself and many others on this board  know this as factual now. My xdBPDgf cheated on my 6 times. And thats with in our 11 month r/s.

She did you favor by leaving you just dont know it yet, you will... She is mentally ill and no one can help or fix this. ( a therapist & meds may help a little but thier is still a huge failure rate. Bpd is for life.) Read up on the disorder , read ppl story's on this board as well. You're on the right track by not contacting her (keep it that way, your health and sanity greatly depend on it) i know all to well the  overwhelming urges to contact her im going through them right now. keep posting here. Many ppl here with help you.

Stay N/C and you will get better, I promise.

[Moonie75]

She Asked,

Sun Seeker is dead right & I couldn't agree more. NC will be your best defense from any more of her BS. And will give you healing time to boot!

Be aware that pwBPD very often (though not always) reappear when replacements don't work out. These attempts to recycle the relationship are NOT about you, how they truly feel about you, or what they did to you... . Recycling is ALL about them! You are just a tool for a job my friend, an object!

Recycle attempts (sometimes called 'charming' are very common, and can be very difficult & stressful to stand up to. Very emotional times.



Educate yourself as best you can & get healing as best you can. You may be left alone by her. You equally may not be that lucky!

Take care Moonie

[Pearl55]

I was an object for my husband only to give him a child! He replaced me with my son, is not always affairs! He couldn't control me the way he wanted so controlling a child is much more easier!

[Moonie75]

I was an object for my husband only to give him a child! He replaced me with my son, is not always affairs! He couldn't control me the way he wanted so controlling a child is much more easier!

And when that child becomes a young man with a mind of his own? Ambitions, wants & desires of his own? BOUNDARIES of his own?

[Pearl55]

Moonie75

They want to be in a relationship and have kids because that's what normal people do so they can say ok we are normal too!

When my son was born he was the perfect dad because he idealised him but since 2 years ago he started splitting my son too, my son is 7 now. He is his prisoner until if he finds another woman. I end up with nothing, only a future career and this is the only thing I look forward to it but I'm not able to forgive myself for being such an ignorant woman all these years!

[Turkish]

Moonie75

They want to be in a relationship and have kids because that's what normal people do so they can say ok we are normal too!

When my son was born he was the perfect dad because he idealised him but since 2 years ago he started splitting my son too, my son is 7 now. He is his prisoner until if he finds another woman. I end up with nothing, only a future career and this is the only thing I look forward to it but I'm not able to forgive myself for being such an ignorant woman all these years!

Yes. I think mine did this as well, a father for her children. Now that she fixed herself, I will be the only one. Cue the honor guard for me.

And I fully expect what you describe to happen, at least between S4 and her, even if she loves him to death now, I have already seen the signs of devaluation rear its ugly head now and then. I grew up with a mother who had several BPD traits: splitting, emotional dysregulation, impulsivity (financially, which resulted in us living like street people at times). I know how it will go. I even told me X this, and that it was likely our son would be having this very conversation with his stbx 30 years from now.

SheAskedForaBreak: what you describe is indeed a child. Do you want a relationship with a child? We all want to rescue waifs, it seems, but how is that fulfilling for you?

[Pearl55]

Turkish

I always knew that my husband is very childish but what I didn't realise his intelligence was not affected! I think this the most common mistakes non borderlines do.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I would put money on it that "I need a break"means she has found a replacement... .  

While this might be true, it really isn't helpful to get this kind of angry advice.  It just hurts me worse dude.  This site should help people, not make them bottom out.  I'm fine, but think before you post on here guys!  People's live depend on it. 

[santa]

To me, taking a break is completely out of the question. I'd just as soon breakup as take a break.

If we've got problems now, what kind of bigger problems are we going to have after taking a break for awhile and you dating around? How is that going to make things better? That's just going to irritate me worse than you're already irritating me now. Lol

If you're going to do a break, just break up.

You don't need this girl anyway. She's always going to have the sex offender stigma attached to her. You're not a sex offender. Why should you have to deal with that? Let her be a sicko by herself. Don't let her drag you down to that level.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I mean, look, you took a chance on her. Nothing wrong with that. Gave her the benefit of the doubt. Tried to find the good in her. You'd think she'd show some appreciation, right? Looks like she didn't. So, F her, man. She can explain her actions to society herself. You don't have the time for that anymore.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Santa I appreciate your words here.  I completely agree, that's why I told her not to contact me anymore.  It annoys me every day that she might be getting dicked by another guy, but hey I've already started dating someone else too.  The biggest difference I've noticed is that the other women I've been out with are so together mentally and emotionally.  They aren't little girls hiding out in their parent's house, complaining constantly about their siblings, and how life just hasn't been fair. 

Today I got a call from a large research university here in the mid-west about a job I had hoped to get.  They told me I'm their #1 candidate, I was floored.  I ditched the negative energy in my life and good things are flowing in to fill the vacuum. 

[santa]

Santa I appreciate your words here.  I completely agree, that's why I told her not to contact me anymore.  It annoys me every day that she might be getting dicked by another guy, but hey I've already started dating someone else too.  The biggest difference I've noticed is that the other women I've been out with are so together mentally and emotionally.  They aren't little girls hiding out in their parent's house, complaining constantly about their siblings, and how life just hasn't been fair. 

Today I got a call from a large research university here in the mid-west about a job I had hoped to get.  They told me I'm their #1 candidate, I was floored.  I ditched the negative energy in my life and good things are flowing in to fill the vacuum. 

That's awesome, man. Congratulations!