Hi maxsterling,
Is this part of the black/white splitting mindset of BPD?
yes
thinking in extremes is one of the factors that amplifies the emotions and is part of the distortions that make it hard for a pwBPD to regulate. When the world is pitch black and blazing white being in the shadow can be frightening indeed. Alone holding black and white in the mind at the same time can be a challenge. Grey needs to be cast into one of the two buckets - immediately - as ambiguity is even more frightening than pitch black. I mean you got to know where you stand exactly otherwise you don't really exist
Frontal assault usually is hopeless. Maybe in individual therapy but in couple therapy? Did the T get through? For us partners the best courses of action are:
- validate - a calmer person is more likely to able perceive grey
- dialectical messages - using both black and white in our message rather than using grey
- let it go. If it is not important don't bother. Life may well be a better teacher than us.