Something to help you bounce back

[Depression = 72% of members]

This helped me today, thought I would post it for my friends here.

L


By: Courtney Stovall, the Co-Founder of Bounce back

When a manipulative, destructive marriage ends in divorce, oftentimes the manipulating person (your ex or soon-to-be ex) will place the guilt and blame on you, adding insult to injury and exponentially magnifying the heartbreak and stress that divorce can cause. It's almost impossible to recover from the sadness and despair, simply because you feel like the divorce was your fault. It's time to realize that it's not your fault, as hard as that may be to accept.

This feeling of blame is simply a case of the manipulative person projecting his/her behavior on to you. He or she will rationalize their actions by pointing out your faults, and they will deflect their guilt and remorse by placing blame on you. These are the types of people who should be using the clichéd phrase "It's not you, it's me," but egos prevent them from ever admitting any kind of blame or fault and showing any remorse or guilt.

In extreme cases, these people go undetected in society with severe personality disorders (known as many different terms including psychopaths, sociopaths, antisocial disorder, narcissistic disorder, and others). But the spectrum is wide, and there are all levels of abuse, betrayal, and deceit that happen in marriages to manipulative people. These people can leave with no apologies and no signs of remorse, never to make contact again (as there's no more need for you in their game of domination), and you are left thinking "What did I do wrong?" "Was I not good enough?" and "What didn't they love about me?"

The hardest thing to swallow, admit, and really believe is that this is not your fault. In normal relationships and marriages, maybe--maybe--there was something you could have done better, talked about more, or addressed earlier on. But, in the case of a manipulative relationship, the person you were with was never truly emotionally connected or involved in the relationship in the same way that you were. They were only involved for their own personal gain--sex, money, ego, thrill, and so on. They will do this to the next person and the next, and it won't be those people's faults either.

You cannot be at fault for truly loving, giving your all, and being sincere and honest. It's hard to realize that, but at the simplest level, think about it--how can someone get in trouble for being good?

It's not your fault--don't make it that way. The only thing that you can be to blame for is a poor judge of a bad character and giving someone the benefit of the doubt or too many chances. In a strange truth, the world doesn't always revolve around you. A therapist said to one of our BounceBack members who was going through this situation, "You know, as wild as it may seem, this might actually have nothing to do with you." In the case of manipulative relationships, this is almost always the case.

Continue to remind yourself that "It's not me, it's you" might be the right phrase for you for this occasion, and be proud of yourself for being true to your feelings. Know that the manipulative person will most likely jump from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage, and divorce to divorce, treating everyone the same way they treated you, and never finding the true happiness you will be able to find.

[love4meNOTu]

This helped me today, thought I would post it for my friends here.

L


By: Courtney Stovall, the Co-Founder of Bounce back

When a manipulative, destructive marriage ends in divorce, oftentimes the manipulating person (your ex or soon-to-be ex) will place the guilt and blame on you, adding insult to injury and exponentially magnifying the heartbreak and stress that divorce can cause. It's almost impossible to recover from the sadness and despair, simply because you feel like the divorce was your fault. It's time to realize that it's not your fault, as hard as that may be to accept.

This feeling of blame is simply a case of the manipulative person projecting his/her behavior on to you. He or she will rationalize their actions by pointing out your faults, and they will deflect their guilt and remorse by placing blame on you. These are the types of people who should be using the clichéd phrase "It's not you, it's me," but egos prevent them from ever admitting any kind of blame or fault and showing any remorse or guilt.

In extreme cases, these people go undetected in society with severe personality disorders (known as many different terms including psychopaths, sociopaths, antisocial disorder, narcissistic disorder, and others). But the spectrum is wide, and there are all levels of abuse, betrayal, and deceit that happen in marriages to manipulative people. These people can leave with no apologies and no signs of remorse, never to make contact again (as there's no more need for you in their game of domination), and you are left thinking "What did I do wrong?" "Was I not good enough?" and "What didn't they love about me?"

The hardest thing to swallow, admit, and really believe is that this is not your fault. In normal relationships and marriages, maybe--maybe--there was something you could have done better, talked about more, or addressed earlier on. But, in the case of a manipulative relationship, the person you were with was never truly emotionally connected or involved in the relationship in the same way that you were. They were only involved for their own personal gain--sex, money, ego, thrill, and so on. They will do this to the next person and the next, and it won't be those people's faults either.

You cannot be at fault for truly loving, giving your all, and being sincere and honest. It's hard to realize that, but at the simplest level, think about it--how can someone get in trouble for being good?

It's not your fault--don't make it that way. The only thing that you can be to blame for is a poor judge of a bad character and giving someone the benefit of the doubt or too many chances. In a strange truth, the world doesn't always revolve around you. A therapist said to one of our BounceBack members who was going through this situation, "You know, as wild as it may seem, this might actually have nothing to do with you." In the case of manipulative relationships, this is almost always the case.

Continue to remind yourself that "It's not me, it's you" might be the right phrase for you for this occasion, and be proud of yourself for being true to your feelings. Know that the manipulative person will most likely jump from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage, and divorce to divorce, treating everyone the same way they treated you, and never finding the true happiness you will be able to find.

[Perfidy]

Thanks for posting this L. After everything I gave I still felt it wasn't enough. Feel better reading that. I know it's true. That's cool.

[Perfidy]

Wanted to add something. Abusers have a funny way of coping with themselves. Abusers will push you to the point where you snap and then turn it around on you and then you will be the abuser. I guess that's so they can point the finger at you and then they can live with themselves.

[love4meNOTu]

Yes, Perfidy, that is exactly what my ex husband has done. He accuses me of abusing HIM.

I've never even spanked my children, nor hit anyone. I merely pushed him away from me.

It's tough to swallow, but honestly, he has to blame me otherwise he couldn't live with himself. It's too hard for him to accept that he ruined our marriage with his anger and violence.

[Perfidy]

I'm not missing her right now

[delusionalxox]

Yes, the hardest thing for me is being accused of being the abuser.

My ex even found a way to blame me for his affair and dumping me while pregnant to move in with someone else.

It hurts that I find myself almost believing him at times. For years I apologised for things I hadn't done just to keep the peace.

Coming out of the FOG I see that I have been led to believe a lot of lies about myself.

With his mirroring, the ex says the EXACT thing about me. But we have to look at the facts. I gave thousands of pounds, travelled thousands of miles for him, and eventually got cheated on and dumped. He then pursued me all over again having labelled me an abuser.

if I am such a dreadful abuser why want me back? Why  not just have the closure and possible forgiveness/friendship I offered? I gave him my apologies too.

But he is not capable and it makes me so so angry. I must keep reading the above quote.

[delusionalxox]

Perfidy don't miss mine either. It wasn't worth the stress.

once I broke the sexual addiction to him I was glad not to have to bother with his bizarre massive/fragile ego and ludicrous demands for money and attention at all times!

I mourn the waste of my time and the fact that instead of spending three years on this man-boy I could have been looking for someone better. Or just a better life. For me.

[love4meNOTu]

Yes to both of you!

We are free now. Still struggling with the aftermath, but getting better every day.

He was always in crisis. I never knew what bad thing was going to happen next. It was so incredibly stressful.

L

[myself]

I don't believe they believe all of their projections.

They're lying to themselves, and us, and they know it.

They live the proof of it as much as anyone.

[Perfidy]

Yes to both of you!

We are free now. Still struggling with the aftermath, but getting better every day.

He was always in crisis. I never knew what bad thing was going to happen next. It was so incredibly stressful.

L

Perpetual crises. Roger that. Getting better. Check! I always wondered what would have happened if there was a real crises.

[designgrl]

Thank you love4me!  That was just what I needed today!

[Kadee]

yes, thank you. this comes after a stressful few days of him telling me i lie, when in fact he takes what i say (truth) and somehow manipulates a lie in his mind.

its quite frustrating, trying to get a dissolution from such an individual.

thanks for the boost.

[love4meNOTu]

Kadee-

Mine signed off on the dissolution as soon as he found another replacement.

That was two months after he moved out.

I say another replacement, because I"m sure I was the replacement for the one before me, and so on and so on... .

[Kadee]

After 34 years of marriage, he's trying to maintain as much control as he thinks possible.

This last week was over a hunk of metal that I need to trade in but wasn't in my name. He now thinks he's entitled to know what I trade it in for, how much I pay for it, etc. It might be worth $500. It's all just a mind game he plays, and he's becoming more and more frustrated when I refuse to play. He's always trying to tell me something is required by the court and gets ugly mad when I defer to my attorney.

His IQ is so much higher than mine (where's that sarcastic font when you need it). He seems to take great pleasure in reminding me of that.

I'm finding my own closure because most of what he says to me (only via email, because I refuse to see him. This week was the first time in person in 9 months, to sign the car over) has little resemblance to common sense.

IT'S NOT ME, IT'S HIM. I hope he can sleep at night. I know I can now.

[arn131arn]

I have difficult days. I believe it's bc of the custody situation with my son. After that gets ironed out I believe I can fully detach. This is the ONE THING she still has control over. Then I can move on completely and develop a RS with my son who she alienated from me even when we were together. All in all 14 years it will be tough getting back to the dating world. Women at my bar smile, I crack a joke, they laugh, but it's not there deep inside... . I hate it

[In_n_Out]

Thanks for sharing this; it hits home.  My exBPDgf is all about this.  We connected because she was getting evicted and needed a caregiver.  After 3 years she began to devalue me and by 3.5 years she had started latching on to my replacement.  We had a brief recycle in which; and I'll never forget this because it was during a walk at the park that I had a jog in this morning but she says "we're going on a cruise in July".  Ok.  "and he treats good enough".  Oh does he?  "he has his own house but I don't even really care for it".  So it's all about what this guy can give her and not about the actual r/s at all.  Poor sick little girl.  I just have to move past the "I'm the only one that can help her!" and then I'll be done with this chapter in my life. 

[In_n_Out]

Oh, and the guy before me had promised her a home and to take care of her and she lived with some guy that she couldn't stand for a several months.  Couldn't stand him but gave him the sex that he wanted.  And that didn't send up a  ?  Actually it did and that was always in the back of my mind but I waved it off thinking that it was a "one-time" thing for her out of desperation or something.  Nah, it's a pattern with her.

[Happy1]

Continue to remind yourself that "It's not me, it's you" might be the right phrase for you for this occasion, and be proud of yourself for being true to your feelings. Know that the manipulative person will most likely jump from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage, and divorce to divorce, treating everyone the same way they treated you, and never finding the true happiness you will be able to find.

My question to this would be, "So, what if my uxgfBPD has managed to stay married to the person she dumped me for, for over 25 yrs?"

For me, that fact alone has made it much harder on my psyche not to mention added a level of jealousy to the whole mix too. My curiosity has always been, "Had did she pull that off?" And, "What is that marriage like?" Why? Because when she's sent me what I believe to be charm xmas cards, the portrait of the perfect family nearly kills me each time. My thoughts always circle from "What did I do wrong?" To, "Why him and not me? Why (or how) did she make it work with him?"

If anything, this is still what haunts my thoughts and keeps me up some nights at times still.

[Monarch Butterfly]

I am having such a hard time right now with this. I had to literally go over every single thing that has happened in our marriage and think "was this my fault?".

Other people tell me I should have stood up for myself. Yes, in a normal relationship that would have been the answer. But they don't understand, because when I did that, I got the short end of the stick. Better in my case to have been quiet. 

Could I have done it differently? No... . I really don't think so. The only answer for me is to leave. I get that. But then why do I believe his lies? Why do I start to think that I could have done harder, and that this time he will be different? Why do I feel like a horrible person because I no longer want to share my life with him?

I am getting blamed for ruining our marriage because I want out. I am getting all the crap because he says I am the one not trying any longer to fix this... . I feel horrible.

This article really helped, but I am so lost, I really need you to post a few more of these. 

[love4meNOTu]

There is so much pain on this board and it makes me so angry.

Angry that we all are going through this when attachment to our BPD exes only brings pain.

Detachment leads to freedom, be it today or 25 years from now. We have to go on with our lives. We have to.

We will never have the answers. We will never understand, no matter how hard we study and try to make sense of it all.

It happened, and it happened to us.

What we make of our lives now is up to us. And no one else can supply our happiness.

L

[imstronghere2]

My question to this would be, "So, what if my uxgfBPD has managed to stay married to the person she dumped me for, for over 25 yrs?"

For me, that fact alone has made it much harder on my psyche not to mention added a level of jealousy to the whole mix too. My curiosity has always been, "Had did she pull that off?" And, "What is that marriage like?" Why? Because when she's sent me what I believe to be charm xmas cards, the portrait of the perfect family nearly kills me each time. My thoughts always circle from "What did I do wrong?" To, "Why him and not me? Why (or how) did she make it work with him?"

If anything, this is still what haunts my thoughts and keeps me up some nights at times still.

Be thinking that the poor SOB that married her is sacrificing his entire life AND his sanity.  She didn't pull it off, HE did by being able to tolerate all her childish BS and cater to her every need.  There isn't a true marriage there.  It's a one way street of him doing all the giving and sacrificing and work in the relationship while she just sails along.  And in the end, she'll jump and run off with some other poor ass.

Turn it around from "Why him and not me" to "THANK GOD it's NOT me".

Hopefully this will let you sleep better.  I did 22 years with mine, 19 married before she left us and gave me back my life and my sanity.

Be damn glad that's not you.

[Happy1]

Thx love4meNOTu for the "kick in the pants". I know these things, but forget them at times, I just needed someone to emphasize what really is real and to not feel sorry for myself, but rather happy. Today, is a better day, because of your words, already.

And for imstronghere2, in thinking about myself more and the jealousy, I've got a couple of thoughts for the board:

First, I think that sometimes my occasional jealousy and lack of reassurance in my decision comes from having lost my fix. To put it in addiction terms. I gave up my drug (my BPD) because I knew it was bad for me and MY illness couldn't be resolved with that euphoric feeling alone, but I still wish for the relief from my occasional pain it (she) provided. Seeing her as a drug of sorts and her strong hold on another person makes me jealous, I suppose, in those terms. He's heavily addicted or way more so than say I was, but receiving his fix daily too. I need to continue to march on, give myself a lot of credit for detaching to something that was unhealthy for me and really not look back with any illusions.

Also, I've been on this big kick/epiphany about objectification lately and I now have come to realize, I objectified my BPD too. I thought she was the answer to my life's happiness. The drug I could take to make things feel much better. Just like BPDs often do the same, I thought by "collecting her" holding her captive so to speak, things would resolve. Only until I realized I was in need of greater and greater quantities of HER (my fix) and that she was going to be giving me less and less of what I felt in the beginning, the very thing that got me HOOKED, did I realize I couldn't take that scenario anymore and left. Prior to that time I did not ever consider my needs nor did I look my r/s with her and how truly dysfunctional it all was, mostly for me.

[RecycledNoMore]

Yes, Perfidy, that is exactly what my ex husband has done. He accuses me of abusing HIM.

I've never even spanked my children, nor hit anyone. I merely pushed him away from me.

It's tough to swallow, but honestly, he has to blame me otherwise he couldn't live with himself. It's too hard for him to accept that he ruined our marriage with his anger and violence.

O dear  so did my ex, he told his lil wannabe gangster family I Abused him!, apparently there all going to " get me" , I was on holiday recently in another town, I saw two of them, my heart skipped a beat... . I hid in the car... . I have no idea if they are out to get me, but I have NO intention of finding out...

Ahh a pwBPD, the laughs just keep on comin and comin and comin... . ( gritting teeth)

Thanks for the article  its a phrase I repeat often to myself " it wasnt me it was you"

Well it was half me but thats another thread.