Should not have shared my feelings...

[Chosen]

Something upsetting to me happened yesterday: one of my bosses mistakenly thought that I am pregnant.

I'm not pregnant and have not been pregnant.  I may have put on a few pounds over the winter but I'm not actually fat, but this made me really unhappy and I felt fat.  Made the mistake of telling uBPDh.  He did say a few words of encouragement: "You're not fat", "your boss is an idiot", but obviously I won't feel uplifted immediately. 

This caused H to start saying things like, "xxx's dad died, she should be sadder than you", "xxx's mum is ill, he should be sad too", basically his way of saying I'm shallow and I should not be upset because what is happening to me is really small.  Then he lectured me a little bit on "you really ought to reflect on yourself.  If this makes you upset then you know your values are wrong."

Needless to say, I end up being doubly sad because not only was I apparently fat, I am also apparently shallow and behave dramatically too.

Reminder to self: never share these things with him again.  Will not be getting empathy and instead will be lectured.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[joethemechanic]

Oh God, dealing with your husband sounds a lot like dealing with my parents. That is the kind of crap they say to me.

[elemental]

it sounds like the stuff my mom was saying to me today too. 

Pretty invalidating and a reminder of how they just miss the point a lot of times.

[Chosen]

Yeah.  In fact, H said to me, "I'm acting more like your dad than your husband."  Well- that was his choice!

Anyway, I wanted to say to him "I know it's a small thing and nothing compared to other people who are in sadder situations... . but I'm still sad."  I mean, my mum have died as well, and wouldn't it be "nice" if every time I want to feel sad I think of that (saddest thing in my life) and tell myself what I'm feeling is not worth feeling sad about?  But life doesn't work this way.

Sorry for the rant.  I'm glad you guys know how annoying and emotionally straining this can be.  Thanks.

[In_n_Out]

When women go to a man with a "problem", a man's natural tendency is to help provide solutions so tha the problem can be corrected.  You went to him with a problem (insecurity about being "fat" and he provided you with answers ("you're not fat, it's a minor issue, get over it" - in effect). 

When women go to a man with a problem, they don't want to hear solutions, they just want their SO to "listen".  You sought comfort by talking about the issue and you just wanted him to listen and then comfort you and reassure you.  Instead, he tried to provide "solutions" to a problem that you asked him about.

The "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book talks about this situation in detail and how both can handle it better and get what they want.  It's a longtime relationship classic that I think should be *required* reading for all couples.  Just my $.02.

[Mazda]

Yeah.  In fact, H said to me, "I'm acting more like your dad than your husband."  Well- that was his choice!

Anyway, I wanted to say to him "I know it's a small thing and nothing compared to other people who are in sadder situations... . but I'm still sad."  I mean, my mum have died as well, and wouldn't it be "nice" if every time I want to feel sad I think of that (saddest thing in my life) and tell myself what I'm feeling is not worth feeling sad about?  But life doesn't work this way.

Sorry for the rant.  I'm glad you guys know how annoying and emotionally straining this can be.  Thanks.

Oh Chosen, I feel your pain.  I've been mistakenly asked I'm pregnant and it is a horrible feeling.  It is natural to be upset and sad.  Not as sad as your mother dying, but sad nonetheless.  What he did was invalidate your feelings and that is nasty.  I hear you... You are beautiful. 

No amount of reading self help books will fix his BPD and this behaviour... . I'm sorry.  Those books are written for fairly healthy people to take on board.  People who are capable of understanding and have enough emotional intelligence to understand that when a woman is hurt and insecure, you reassure them.  You need to have radical acceptance that he will never be able to validate your feelings because he doesn't consider them.  Lower your expectations love, otherwise you will be worn down by constant disappointment.

My advice to all is to run... . but that's just me personally and it is a completely personal decision.  What I will say though is that I do see a pattern on these boards, and one that I went through myself.  We start on the staying, move to the undecided and end up on the healing board.  Some lucky ones go through this process quickly, others take years or don't, due to kids or being in the FOG. 

I understand he is your husband, but I say this because this behaviour has upset you and they are capable of so much worse.  Whatever you do though, know that we are all here for you.

[123Phoebe]

Chosen, I'm really sorry that your feelings were hurt by your husband's lack of understanding where you were coming from

My advice to all is to run... . but that's just me personally and it is a completely personal decision.  What I will say though is that I do see a pattern on these boards, and one that I went through myself.  We start on the staying, move to the undecided and end up on the healing board.  Some lucky ones go through this process quickly, others take years or don't, due to kids or being in the FOG. 

Mazda, people here on the Staying Board are here for any multitude of reasons, not only the ones you've mentioned above.  And as far as our partners invalidating us goes... .   We do it to them a lot as well, which is why there are "Lessons" on this board to learn how to not do it as often.  We do it to other people in our lives, we offer solutions based on our own experiences when they're simply expressing themselves, maybe wanting a sympathetic compassionate ear.  Every human being invalidates another at some point in time, it's part of life.

While I believe your heart is in the right place, to suggest that someone is "lucky" to have gone through the process quickly from Staying to Undecided to the Healing board, is about invalidating as it gets as far as I'm concerned.  Can't speak for Chosen or anybody else who are here to improve their relationships.  I also don't know of any "perfect" relationship and I know a lot of couples out there in the world... .

I'm happy to hear that you're healing though and have found your way back to yourself   And I apologize if I have invalidated you.

[Mazda]

Phoebe,

I understand your points.  

Just to point out, I wanted to stay with my ex, but he (with a little help from his devil mother) broke up with me (and she made sure there was no recycling - although there technically was, but for another time).  I didn't leave him voluntarily, and so this whole process was forced upon me.

The reason that I am saying that perhaps not staying with BPDh should be an option is because this is pretty trivial in terms of BPD behaviour and it gets a lot worse.  I think as a non, it is important to be resilient and extremely robust.

I understand BPD is a spectrum and people stay for various reasons.  There are always exceptions to the rule and I strongly believe, from talking to numerous professionals, that the success stories are the exception.  But every person is different and it is a personal choice.  I just think that when more pain is inflicted than pleasure then the relationship should be reassessed, and that's coming from someone who has had time to reflect on the entire process of a BPD relationship.

[In_n_Out]

As with any "self help" book or freely given advice, soliciting advise from a message board full of strangers should be taken with a grain of salt as well.  We (as strangers) don't know if this person has been properly evaluated and diagnosed as having BPD or if the OP just suspects that is the case.  We don't know the history of the relationship nor anything else other than they had an argument about body weight.  I gave one possible angle to look at as referenced by Dr. Gray in his "Mars/Venus" book.  I happen to agree with his assessment about men wanting to provide solutions and women merely seeking someone to listen and comfort instead.  I would be very hesitant to throw out a blanket statement like "run!" because someone's feelings were hurt and they didn't get the response that they were looking for.  I do sympathize with the OP but being a man, I can also see where the husband was coming from.  Just my $.02 worth.

[Chosen]

Mazda,

Phoebe,

The reason that I am saying that perhaps not staying with BPDh should be an option is because this is pretty trivial in terms of BPD behaviour and it gets a lot worse.  I think as a non, it is important to be resilient and extremely robust.

Maybe you weren't around this board when I arrived here.  Things were a lot worse for me (physical episodes, verbal abuse, being kicked out of my own home... . ), so no, I'm not a stranger to BPD behaviours.  And here at bpdfamily, we believe that staying AND not staying should both be options for the non- hence many different boards on here.  But as 123Phoebe said, this is the Staying board, we stay here for many reasons.  And I stay because I choose to. 

And perhaps it is a trivial issue (again, not as big as my mum dying, being threatened... . ), but I am still allowed to have feelings about it, and I still feel invalidated.  I don't feel the need to defend my feelings and I certainly don't feel like I'm less robust and resilient because I was upset. 

In_n_Out,

Yes I have read "Men Are From Mars" ages ago, and I agree that it's a helpful book to read, at least to understand the opposite sex.  Although obviously people with BPD tendencies (I don't like labelling people- I look at their tendencies, not whether they are diagnosed or not) cannot be understood in the exact same way.  To be honest, one year on bpdfamily is much more helpful than dozens of self-help books because those gear more towards "normal" relationship, where the neediness of both parties is about equal.  In a relationship with any pwBPD, we have to expect to adapt to new ways of communication, and also to put down our own neeeds/ points of view more often.

[dontknow2]

Reminder to self: never share these things with him again.  Will not be getting empathy and instead will be lectured.

Hello Chosen,

I am really struggling with this myself. On one hand, I want to just be in the moment talking to and reacting naturally to my dxBPDh (thinking this will be best for me and our relationship). On the other hand, I want to protect myself from his responses by avoiding telling him how I feel or rewording to scrape out whatever possible. I imagine the balance is in the middle but definitely have not found it yet, at least consistently anyway.

He was raised in an extremely invalidating environment and so was I. The difference is that I have been in therapy for 4 years to get to a better place. So, I need to figure out how to give validation (especially now that I've removed my maladaptive coping mechanisms) but rarely receive it. This board will be critical for me going forward especially hearing stories like yours. Thank you so much for sharing. 

A little background on my situation: my ex and I just agreed for him to move back in when his lease is up in March with him wanting to try therapy again. On a side note though, he sounds like he might bail before move in.

[Chosen]

dontknow2,

I agree it's a delicate balance between building a wall around ourselves and knowing when to express less about something.  For small issues like this, for me, it's probably not worth bringing up with H in future.  In any case, usually I'd say it anyway but not add too much emotion into it.  Maybe just say "Oh... . boss thought I was pregnant today."  Rather than stressing on how sad it makes me.  But I was overwhelmed with emotions that day and forgot that.

With pwBPDs, I do think it's extremely important that we have to be in a right state of mind before speaking to them.  I'm the sort of person who says whatever is at the top of my head, and I've been learning to give myself some time to think things over before saying it.  Usually it's not the facts which are making him react; it's the expression of emotion.  Especially when they don't know how to deal with our emotions.  We kind of have to accept that they will not be able to fulfil our validation needs.