Core wound of abandonment

[CoasterRider]

Someone posted a thread on here a few days ago saying how a borderline never really knew who we are as individuals not were we ever exposed to their true self either (as they themselves do not know either). I wanted to know why, so I dug a little on the web and found this explanation.

That when a person with BPD attaches to someone, they idealize them as providing or giving to the borderline the intimate bond that they were deprived of by their original care giver. They see you/us in a way as that original care giver. However we know the non May or may not actually be fling this  role through actions. We know the borderline thinks in their mind you are filling that void and adores you for being so great and making them whole again. However post trigger often the borderline exhibits rage toward their partner. Whatever the trigger is they do not react to it for what it actually is, in its context and all. They are actually reacting to all the trauma of past abandonment. This is why their reaction to  us/ seems to make no sense or seem as an over reaction. We think they are reacting to the trigger alone, but they are actually reliving all that pain and trauma over again. Since they see you as the original care giver they feel  the original abandonment is occurring all over again when they feel the current abandonment trigger. Their rage/anger/resentment seems extreme towards us, but it's not  us or what we did that they are reacting to at all!

[bb12]

Hey CoasterRider.

I think that's a really good post - and I agree with it for the most part.

We, the partner, have issues around self-sacrifice and other directedness... . we make the relationship all about them. And they happily go along with that.

I think our issues relate to having to DO something to be loved, instead of just BE.

If their issues are based on Abandonment, then ours are based on Loneliness and doing whatever we can to make someone love us.

My main issue with your observation is this: if our xBPD's parents are still together, and they still have a relationship with these parents... . then who inflicted the initial abandonment wounds?

My ex still sees his parents and they seem close enough. Of course, I don't know the truth or how close they remain in reality. But I don't see obvious signs of abandonment in my xBPD. No deceased parent. No divorce. No separation.

I believe you are right, in that we become a trigger for them. And also, we fail the 'reality testing' phase and mirroring can no longer be sustained. They then project all of their unhealed parts onto us. But the question of who inflicted their core trauma has remained an unanswered one for me.

Sometimes I am inclined to lean toward the chemical / DNA argument more than any abuse or neglect. The further out I get, the more I go to nature over nurture for cause.

1 in 20 people (minimum) has a PD. Might be as simple as that

Bb12

[fromheeltoheal]

Yep, stuck in that loop of one person/two people, engulfment/abandonment, push/pull. That's what happens when you don't successfully detach from your primary caregiver and become your own individual.

[CoasterRider]

Most of what I read about these types of disordered cognitive conditions they all attribute the cause back to an "early care giver" referring to ages 1-3. I myself have "white knight syndrome" and books I've read again equate it back to early care givers and my relationships with them. I think core wound of abandonment for BPD is more about the BPD's connection with someone during a developmental point in their emotional life. I see adolescents being more where things can go awry since that's where you mature from the id to the ego, versus early childhood. I don't think your ex's parents relationship has anything to do with the core wound of abandonment. As a healthy model for a relationship or lack of isn't a cause of the core wound that manifest into BPD, or so I've read. I mean yes that can be damaging to not have a healthy model but not in this type of dysfunction. For my ex as well parents happily married and both brothers stable and successful.

And for me and my codependency/white knight I don't see my relationship or lack or with my care givers early on being a cause of need to rescue.

I guess the point I was trying to make, for my own and understanding for the benefit of others. Is that when we struggle to figure out how they can treat US how they did and react to the trigger with so much hate and negative emotion. It really has nothing to do with us. And everything to do with their core wound of abandonment and whoever caused it, they are reacting to that trauma all over again. Not to anything happening here and now.

[myself]

but it's not  us or what we did that they are reacting to at all!

In my r/s, there were times I was sure she was taking it out on me for something someone had done to her in the past. There were other times when it was because it was me, because I had failed to live up to whatever unattainable standards she had. Some of it was personal. Some wasn't.

Not seeing us for who we are allows the pwBPD to project as many personas onto us as they feel compelled to. Seeing us for who we are, they find we are unable to end their suffering.

I think the original faulty wiring happened when they were very young, and created most of the disorder. By the time they are adults, having seen the pain they've caused, it is on them to learn to control themselves. There is a deep lack of respect, for themselves and us, to do otherwise.

[bb12]

Yeah - not taking it personally would have been very handy early on! LOL

Knowing it was all about them... . just like everything else in the relationship... . would have helped reduce the pain enormously.

But being deficient of self-esteem and confidence in the first place, I was not equipped to even believe that it was all about him and his core wounds of abandonment.

Instead I believed the message he was sending me with his silence: that I am not good enough, I don't deserve and explanation, I am worthless.

When a CoDa / BPD gets together, it is the perfect storm. The effect on us afterward is only so profound because of the damage each us bring into the r/s in the first place.

BB12

[CoasterRider]

but it's not  us or what we did that they are reacting to at all!

In my r/s, there were times I was sure she was taking it out on me for something someone had done to her in the past. There were other times when it was because it was me, because I had failed to live up to whatever unattainable standards she had. Some of it was personal. Some wasn't.

I think it had to do zero with you. That's what I was trying to get across. The unrealistic standard came into play because she thought you were giving her what she was lacking back when the core wound of abandonment was created. When she raged at you that you weren't "living up to" those standards. That wasn't it at all, she was raged that she saw you as her care giver and the abandonment was occurring all over again, she was reliving that original pain.

[Madison66]

I can tell you the abandonment issues with my uBPD/NPD ex gf were "thick".  Her late mom seemed to lack depth of emotion and her and my ex never really had a loving relationship.  My ex's dad was a major league "fixer" and basically controlled her mom's environment.  As the story goes, my ex was then sexually abused by a female coach in HS and felt she had no one to turn to.  Then, her ex husband left her for another woman when she was pregnant with her youngest.  I often felt I was "paying for the sins of those who came before me".  Little did I understand what I was in store for... .

[CoasterRider]

Instead I believed the message he was sending me with his silence: that I am not good enough, I don't deserve and explanation, I am worthless.

When a CoDa / BPD gets together, it is the perfect storm. The effect on us afterward is only so profound because of the damage each us bring into the r/s in the first place.

BB12

Tell me about it, I'm till struggling with some guilt that I caused my breakup because I  "cheated" on him but all I did was facebook chat with a guy I casually dated who lives on the other side of the world now. But my ex reacted in such an explosive way when he found them. I thought surely I had screwed up big time, and because I lacked confidence to challenge his perceptions about the conversations and I didn't want to loose him, I took all the blame and responsibility for the whole benign exchange as being "cheating." I destroyed myself with guilt and remorse because I would never cheat on anyone I love, to think I had rocked my own valise and morals that I could have done that. Reality he turned the tables on me and happily let me take the blame.

I guess that's why I researched this topic. I thought his reaction was in response to my cruddy behavior, when in all reality it was just reacting to an abandonment trigger, and needing to find an out, to blow up make it my fault and be the victim.

Now I know, you are correct CoDa+BPD=disaster  

[myself]

I think it had to do zero with you.

I agree with what you're saying, that it's coming from original trauma.

It's black/white thinking to say zero anything else, in my experience.

I was with my upwBPDgf long enough to see her react badly, in the moment, in ways that were of the moment and not harking back to being abandoned. There are other things involved than just core wounds, even when this is where it's coming from. The percentages would be different with each person.

[CoasterRider]

It's black/white thinking to say zero anything else, in my experience.

I guess that's where I go back and forth with my guilt, I can also see where there were times my ex tried to give me the benefit of the doubt and control his paranoia and worry and negative thinking. I wasn't being sensitive enough to what he was going through in his head. I feel really badly about that. Not that I think the end result would have been any different, it was only a matter of time. But still I wasn't at my 100% either.

[Turkish]

Here's an insight into the mind of mind, when explaining her anger, she said "I want everyone else to feel my pain." To this day, I don't know what to make of that.

[CoasterRider]

Here's an insight into the mind of mind, when explaining her anger, she said "I want everyone else to feel my pain." To this day, I don't know what to make of that.

She's collecting hearts because someone stole hers and never gave it back? If she can't feel than no one should be able to? Idk that's a heavy statement.

[Changingman]

I think I agree with this idea of reliving core pain. My ex said a couple of times when I was being firm about a situation.

You're not my father.

I found it odd as it was making us wait for a scar specialist in A&E to treat her face wound.

Also when she was trying to go on holiday with her affair and was manipulating me with lies I said why wouldn't you want to go with me, no I have done so much we should go together. I'm fun and like your coworkers. She raged like a child,turned the table over and ran to the bedroom. This is a 32 year old woman acting like I was totally in control of her life. She was so covertly angry and hateful I didn't get it, there was no reason for it.

Something else was going on just to do with her.

She kept the charade going I know I was turned into some kind of controlling adult figure. I am very good natured and would never treat anyone with such controlling abuse.

Why not just say the RS was not working and you needed some time apart or amicable end it? Why purposely hurt, humiliate and place me I an unreal role. I became the persicutor then victim. There was revenge.

No there was a very deep and dark 'play' going on in her mind/emotions.

Also I have been reading much Darwinian philosophy, the last 6 years and it is astonishing scientists how much seems to be 'nature' rather than nurture.

PTSD Could be going through generations biologically. Abuse, war, separation, famine could affect family Lines for a long time.