Humbling Eye Opener

[bright_future_mama]

I was taught my father's family were elitist, horrible people, most notably my aunt.  I was told she was evil and thought she was better than everyone else.  My BPD mother hates everyone in my father's family and pretty much everyone in our small town.  Everyone was pretty much painted black.  They were all out to get her!  Yeah, right, sure they were... .

I've recently gone NC with my BPD mother and I feel really good about it--never healthier... . However, I do need validation because I can easily start to feel obligation and guilt.  This board helps a lot.  But today, I decided to pay my aunt (from my father's side) a visit.  I always thought she didn't like me and after the visit, I realized that couldn't be further from the truth. 

I asked when she knew my mother had major issues.  She looked a little shocked.  I told her I needed someone to tell me the truth.  She hesitated at first, not wanting to overstep her bounds.  Then she started crying.  A lot.  And she recounted how it had been going on since before I was even born.  That my grandmother had regretted on her death bed talking my father out of getting a divorce years earlier when he first realized how sick my mother was (before my sisters and I were even born).  My aunt told that my mother would lie about things that didn't even matter.  My father became the enmeshed husband, defending my BPD mom.  No one could protect us for fear of the ramifications.  She said people even started calling my mother "The Professional."  As in, professional liar.  She could lie more easily than she could tell the truth.  She could twist anything into something else.  My aunt told me about neighbors of ours that would contact her literally scared out of their wits because of my mother's antics.  She told me about how her kids were scared to come and play with me because of all the screaming and slamming doors.  She said I was scared to death of clowns as a little girl and they would threaten to "let the clowns get me" if I didn't behave.  The sad thing is I don't remember a lot.  I think I've blocked out a lot.  My aunt said she missed me and my sisters and how my mother had destroyed any chance at having a close family (my Mom gives my sisters a hard time for having anything to do with my father's family).  My aunt is actually scared to death of my mother and what she is capable of.  She even said for me not to ever leave my children alone with her.   She cried and cried.  She hugged me, told me to take care of me and my children and NEVER feel guilt, that I couldn't help my mother.  She cried over the way we grew up.  It was a validating, sad, yet humbling experience.  I walked away in a daze but somewhat full of resolve that I am on the right path.

I hope this cycle is ending.  On my mother's side, I think there are generations of borderline women.  I hope my sisters get the help to overcome the way we grew up.  They are still so enmeshed with my Mom.

It's so strange how I was taught this woman was horrible.  And I really believed it.  That's scary to me.  A friend of mine says I'm a "truth seeker."  I just wonder how many other views I have on things are distorted because of my mother.

I had a dream last night that my sisters were mad at me for not siding with my mother or seeing my mother.  I kept trying to retaliate and tell my mother how I felt but the words wouldn't come out right and I kept blindly punching but not hitting the target.  I woke up with a splitting headache. 

[BlueCat]

 

That really is fantastic. I hope you now are able to begin a relationship with that aunt. Validation is so wonderful  It means so much to have someone say "you're not crazy, it really is happening". It must be even better to hear it from family 

[Sitara]

I've been holding off on getting back in contact my best friend from high school because she would frequently talk to my mom, and I'm very worried she's going to think I'm making things up if that topic comes up.  But this gives me some hope that maybe she saw that something was a little off too.  Thanks for the reminder that sometimes outsiders realize that our parents were off.

Also, so glad you've found some family you can talk to. 

[Botswana Agate]

I wonder that exact same thing.  Growing up, my BPD mother always had bad things to say about this woman in town, or that man at a store or this woman at church, or that family in town. . . makes me wonder if they were all really as bad as she says they were.  I'm betting not.

[nevermore]

I would to have someone I could ask about my mother. I wonder what she was like as a child and as a teenager. Because of her advanced age the only person I could ask would be her older sister and I can see how that could explode in my face (if her sister would tell her I asked).  You certainly did find the validation you were looking for. Good for you!

[lauren2013]

It's so strange how I was taught this woman was horrible.  And I really believed it.  That's scary to me

Bright_future_mama: I can totally relate!  I have been NC with my mom for 2.5 months now.  My mom has three sisters that she doesn't speak to because, of course, they are all evil and crazy.  I remember her oldest sister (my aunt bernie) was one of my favorite people when I was little.  She was so fun and quirky and she would do art projects with me and let me put hairspray and mousse in her hair. Haha.  She and my mom have been NC for 10 years + now and I have always believed that she is just a crazy old woman and that she has tons of issues b/c of what my mom has told me.  Well, as it turns out, she is quirky and definitely eccentric, but she is not crazy.  I got in touch with her in December (along with my mom's youngest sister) and I was SHOCKED.  They all see what I see.  They've known she was crazy since she was a little girl and she'd manipulate people to get what she wanted.  I felt validated in going NC after talking to my aunts, but I also felt SO many other emotions.  Angry at my mom for robbing me of my relationship with these two women -may aunts.  Scared that I could believe something so fully for so many years that was just plain wrong.  And even sort of disoriented b/c of the whole thing.  Like what else have I been believing that is completely untrue?  Do I even know who I am?  It's a very strange feeling.  Like a rug is being pulled out from underneath you.

[bright_future_mama]

Hi Lauren2013,

Yes, it was a bit disorienting for me too.  It made me wonder how many other things I had the wrong idea about.  It made me sad for lost years of not having a closer relationship with various family members or thinking they didn't like me or were bad people.  It was sobering and scary, but good at the same time.

[StarStruck]

Glad you've had this experience, it's wonderful and RARE! Keep seeking, growing, loving. Well done too, I think it was a brave step to meet with the aunt x