Letting others control my feelings...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This has been driving me crazy lately.  I seem to let others tell me what I'm feeling and don't correct them.  For example: My husband and I were having a counseling session the other day.  He has been a computer consultant for the past 15 years.  This means no permanency, no vacation time, no paid holidays or other benefits.  For the first 5-6 years it was great.  Unlimited overtime working from the comfort of our home.  Money was rolling in.  Then it stopped.  No more overtime.  Outsourcing has taken over most of the consulting jobs.  The job periods are getting shorter.  Companies mainly need someone to come in set up, train their Indian workforce and go away.  I've been telling him for the past 10 years to get a permanent job so we can have stability and he can have some paid time off.  Well he didn't... .   Now he's been out of work 4 times in the past two years.  It's stressful.  I have enough stress right now without having to worry about how we're going to pay the bills.

Anyway so now he's out of work again and for the first time I am resentful about it.  I brought it up during our counseling session and he started to get upset. The counselor said... . oh she's not mad at you.  I'm not hearing that at all.  You're not mad right?  I felt compelled to say no.  But you know what?  I'm mad.

If someone asks me how I feel I can tell them.  If someone tells me how I feel, I feel like it would be wrong to feel differently.    Although to be honest I still feel how I feel.  I just don't express it.  This happens time and time again.  It drives me crazy.  Why couldn't I just say... . Oh I'm mad.  Then maybe we could have had a discussion of why I'm mad.  Maybe he would have heard me this time.  I can dream can't I? 

Now the funny part is they started telling me how he was feeling.  They said I hurt his feelings.  I didn't hear anything from him that would indicate he was feeling hurt.  I got really mad.  Jumped up and said... Don't you tell me how he feels.  Are you actually feeling that way dh?  Turns out he was    So, if I can speak up for him, why can't I speak up for myself?

[crazedncrazymom]

This has been driving me crazy lately.  I seem to let others tell me what I'm feeling and don't correct them.  For example: My husband and I were having a counseling session the other day.  He has been a computer consultant for the past 15 years.  This means no permanency, no vacation time, no paid holidays or other benefits.  For the first 5-6 years it was great.  Unlimited overtime working from the comfort of our home.  Money was rolling in.  Then it stopped.  No more overtime.  Outsourcing has taken over most of the consulting jobs.  The job periods are getting shorter.  Companies mainly need someone to come in set up, train their Indian workforce and go away.  I've been telling him for the past 10 years to get a permanent job so we can have stability and he can have some paid time off.  Well he didn't... .   Now he's been out of work 4 times in the past two years.  It's stressful.  I have enough stress right now without having to worry about how we're going to pay the bills.

Anyway so now he's out of work again and for the first time I am resentful about it.  I brought it up during our counseling session and he started to get upset. The counselor said... . oh she's not mad at you.  I'm not hearing that at all.  You're not mad right?  I felt compelled to say no.  But you know what?  I'm mad.

If someone asks me how I feel I can tell them.  If someone tells me how I feel, I feel like it would be wrong to feel differently.    Although to be honest I still feel how I feel.  I just don't express it.  This happens time and time again.  It drives me crazy.  Why couldn't I just say... . Oh I'm mad.  Then maybe we could have had a discussion of why I'm mad.  Maybe he would have heard me this time.  I can dream can't I? 

Now the funny part is they started telling me how he was feeling.  They said I hurt his feelings.  I didn't hear anything from him that would indicate he was feeling hurt.  I got really mad.  Jumped up and said... Don't you tell me how he feels.  Are you actually feeling that way dh?  Turns out he was    So, if I can speak up for him, why can't I speak up for myself?

[willtimeheal]

If someone asks you how you are feeling... . tell them.  Even if they don't ask speak up for yourself.  Don't ever be afraid to speak up for yourself and speak what you feel.  Sometimes we get caught up trying to protect the other person's feelings that we sacrifice our own. You can't do that. You have to take care of yourself... . it's not selfish. It is a necessity. This has to do with setting boundaries. If you don't set them then you will be the one who suffers. Standing up for.yourself and saying what you feel is part of setting boundaries and taking your power back. No one knows how you feel but you... . so say it.

[crazedncrazymom]

I have no problem telling someone how I feel when they ask.  I'm extremely aware of my emotions and am ok with how I feel whether it's good or bad.  It's just when they tell me how I feel I can't speak up and say No that's not how I'm feeling.  I start to and then it comes out... yep that's it exactly.  Maybe it's just the people pleaser in me.  This is something I'd really like to work on.  The problem is that it's not everyday someone tries to tell me how I feel so there's not many chances to practice.

[Whatwasthat]

Hi CnC.

Telling you how you feel was certainly an error on the part of the T. Therapists would normally be the first people who would know not to do that.

If a therapist told me how I was feeling - the special nature of the situation - ie being in a T session and so in an open and vulnerable and receptive emotional place - might make me think initially 'they must know what they're talking about - I'll accept what they say' ... . and it would take me some time to realise that a weird thing had happened and that I needed to put the record straight.

What I'm saying is. I'm not surprised you didn't immediately correct what was said. It's not like an 'ordinary person' telling you how you feel.

Do 'ordinary people' do this to you too?

What was going through your head when you said to the T ':)on't tell me how my husband feels? Are you actually feeling that way dh?' (aside from those words of course!).

WWT.

[qcarolr]

I have no problem telling someone how I feel when they ask.  I'm extremely aware of my emotions and am ok with how I feel whether it's good or bad.  It's just when they tell me how I feel I can't speak up and say No that's not how I'm feeling.  I start to and then it comes out... yep that's it exactly.  Maybe it's just the people pleaser in me.  This is something I'd really like to work on.  The problem is that it's not everyday someone tries to tell me how I feel so there's not many chances to practice.

crazedncrazymom - this seems like a really good awareness to me. Often anger for me is a secondary emotion when I am able to dig deeper for what is going on behind it. Can you ponder what other feelings you are having about your DH's choices in his work that do not feel like they take your needs into account? Or the larger family needs into account?

The other word that really pops out for me it frequent use of "they". This last statement is a good example.

Now the funny part is they started telling me how he was feeling.  They said I hurt his feelings.  I didn't hear anything from him that would indicate he was feeling hurt.  I got really mad.  Jumped up and said... Don't you tell me how he feels.  Are you actually feeling that way dh?  Turns out he was    So, if I can speak up for him, why can't I speak up for myself?

Is there more than one T in the room or is 'they' referring to the T and your dh?

If this were me, I would be feeling really ganged up on. All my defenses would get triggered, and this is often brings the peace maker right up to the front in me. Setting aside what I need and taking care of what the others need.

Also brings the 'perfect patient' mode into play as well.

One idea: can you write a letter (not to mail) to this they with what you really needed to say. Be clear about what you are needing for yourself, from you dh, and from the T. Try to discover what emotions are lurking out behind this anger.

So I went on a search for you and found something that expresses what I am trying to say to you so much better than I can. It brings tears to my eyes about some emotions that have been confusing me this weekend (for me fear and disgust - but that is another story to be posted soon!).

Check this out, come back and let me know if this fits what you are searching for as well.

www.6seconds.org/2011/07/26/integrated-emotions/

qcr

[llbee814]

"People pleaser"  equates with my mom-mode,  perhaps. I can see this in myself with all 4 of my kids... . stuff my own feelings, in favor of bolstering my children.  A little discomforting reading q's link,  .  I have been aware (duh)  of doing this for awhile,  now,  but it doesn't mean it's any easier to solve.  Hard to balance acceptance, being validating, playing peacemaker, finding and maintaining boundaries, being diplomatic,  blah, blah, blah with being concerned about my own feelings!  Honestly, things ARE betterer than they have been, I guess I just don't want to look very closely at whose expense.

[Bracken]

Hi "Crazed Mom"

It's nice to see you on this Board    -  I know how it feels to not be able to own your feelings. I have spent way too much of my life as a people-pleaser. Being Mom to a pwBPD has made this really extreme at times.

I agree with Whatwasthat: the T was doing a poor job! But we are conditioned to respect THEIR judgments over those of our own hearts. And I agree with Ilbee that writing a "letter" to no one in particular can really help us get clear about our own thoughts and feelings.

When people speak for you, in terms of how you are feeling, are you sometimes responding as thought you "should" feel that way? "Should" is such a terrible control device! It is the power of "they" and "them". And I guess it's what Freud called the "superego". (Not that people seem to use Freudian ideas much anymore.)

In terms of ideas/tools on this forum - could this have a lot to do with FOG?

Bracken

[catsprt]

Crazedndcrazymom - One question, were you mad at him or at his behavior?

It seems to me that the therapist intent was to support your husband. The wording is surprising too, I would expect that adults talking about adults' feelings would be slightly more nuanced. Therefore I mean "support" in terms of therapy dealings and dynamics. Could that be?

Now regarding "letting others control our feelings", someone told me once that people were responsible for their own emotional state and reactions ... . This has been a hard sale for me who grew up in the queendom of drama and bowing to the queen. In return, I feel that I am also the one responsible for my own emotional state and reaction. In my mind, there is not be such a thing as other controlling my feelings. So why do I keep thinking that in the face of others, my feelings are less important to the point of negating them... . I hate "unhealthy" confrontation, I hate the idea of taking someone else's space or opportunity and I was taught that in an argument, the smart way out is the silence... . (c'est le plus intelligent qui cede). It is hard to speak for one self if one has not had the opportunity/the right to do it at a young age.

For the record, I like the posting, the contributions and the 6seconds resource, but my stand is a little bit different. Hope this is ok 

[qcarolr]

Another way to look at this is through the language of validating vs. invalidating. Also we can talk about feelings, our perception of our own feelings, and how we are able to manage the thinking and actions based on our feelings from different perspectives. Psychological and neurological are the most common for me. They support each other in many ways. Many times we lack the awareness, in the moment, of how we are being triggered.

When I feel invalidated, this often triggers my defense network. This is fear based and can block my awareness of options to respond. So this easily can feel like "letting others control my feelings". The brain kicks into fight/flight or freeze. My executive thinking functions slow down since these defenses are based in the emotional parts of my brain. Emotions get over-stimulated, thinking is understimulated.

So how to I work to shift this defensive response? Well, I seek out support (like this thread) to raise my awareness of how I am responding, I practice being more mindful when I am not over-stimulated (easier to access when in emotional situation), I role-play this situation and alternate ways to respond with a trusted friend or individual therapist/mentor, etc.

crazedandcrazymom - now that you are more aware of your instinctive response to feeling invalidated  - ie. belief that you emotions do not count - how can we support you in learning a new way to respond? There are a lot of resources here at bpdfamily in these areas. It is a process. Be kind with yourself as you work through it.

qcr

[MammaMia]

Crazedndcrazymom

Despite what anyone tells you, including your therapist, you have a right to express your feelings.  All it takes is one simple sentence... . "please do not tell me how I feel."  When we fail to speak up and correct someone else's interpretation of what we said or think, it validates their personal view ... . even if it is incorrect.  Then we feel like a victim.  Your therapist should be looking for accurate information.  Therapy only helps when people are honest.

Do not be afraid to challenge another's opinion of what you think or feel.  God gave you a wonderful brain and a mouth for a reason.

[dontknow2]

I have no problem telling someone how I feel when they ask.  I'm extremely aware of my emotions and am ok with how I feel whether it's good or bad.  It's just when they tell me how I feel I can't speak up and say No that's not how I'm feeling.  I start to and then it comes out... yep that's it exactly.  Maybe it's just the people pleaser in me.  This is something I'd really like to work on.  The problem is that it's not everyday someone tries to tell me how I feel so there's not many chances to practice.

Crazed,

I am glad you brought this up. I have also struggled with correcting people when they tell me what I am feeling. A major reason is my fear of conflict. If I disagree with their interpretation, then I may have to explain myself (if I am not ready, it scares me to talk about personal stuff especially when I am still figuring it out) and guilt from pointing out their mistake, potentially making them feel inadequate. In certain scenarios, I may also be manipulating the person but not putting my finger on why (i.e. maybe letting them feel in control) like in case with my boss at work.

Initially, I got into the habit of accepting others interpretations and even appreciated it because I didn't know how to express myself. I grew up in an environment where my mother would take everything personally (rages and saying I didn't love her, threatening suicide starting at a young age) and taught me that my value is based only on how I serve others. It took a few years of therapy until I could even identify my emotions much less talk about them. It is only now I am able to correct others but having to overcome my fears as well. It sounds like you are in a much better place than I ever was though.

Thank you for sharing this.