Suggestions to cope

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi Leaving Board,

I know when we first come here, most of us are lost and distraught.  Whether a few months or a long marriage, the depths of the pain and confusion can really play havoc on our own ability to cope.  I have mentioned here before that I found a lot of wisdom in DBT skills when I was reading them so I could save my marriage (as if I could do that alone).  When it was clear my life was drastically changing and I felt I might be the crazy one - I started applying what I read - hey, desperate times, we try anything, right? 

What I found were skills that I think should be taught in kindergarten... . here is a brief summary.  Let me know if you currently use any of this and if you start trying it how it helps?  Remember, change is hard - being nons, we can get a real appreciation of how and what we are asking of a pwBPD when we try to change our own thinking and emotions.

Hope you find some value here - please do share any thoughts/questions.

SB



Distress tolerance

Many current approaches to mental health treatment focus on changing distressing events and circumstances such as dealing with the death of a loved one, loss of a job, serious illness, terrorist attacks and other traumatic events.They have paid little attention to accepting, finding meaning for, and tolerating distress. This task has generally been tackled by psychodynamic, psychoanalytic, gestalt, or narrative therapies, along with religious and spiritual communities and leaders. Dialectical behavior therapy emphasizes learning to bear pain skillfully.

Distress tolerance skills constitute a natural development from DBT mindfulness skills. They have to do with the ability to accept, in a non-evaluative and nonjudgmental fashion, both oneself and the current situation. Since this is a non-judgmental stance, this means that it is not one of approval or resignation. The goal is to become capable of calmly recognizing negative situations and their impact, rather than becoming overwhelmed or hiding from them. This allows individuals to make wise decisions about whether and how to take action, rather than falling into the intense, desperate, and often destructive emotional reactions that are part of borderline personality disorder.

Distract with ACCEPTS

This is a skill used to distract oneself temporarily from unpleasant emotions.

Activities - Use positive activities that you enjoy.

Contribute - Help out others or your community.

Comparisons - Compare yourself either to people that are less fortunate or to how you used to be when you were in a worse state.

Emotions (other) - cause yourself to feel something different by provoking your sense of humor or happiness with corresponding activities.

Push away - Put your situation on the back-burner for a while. Put something else temporarily first in your mind.

Thoughts (other) - Force your mind to think about something else.

Sensations (other) – Do something that has an intense feeling other than what you are feeling, like a cold shower or a spicy candy.

Self-soothe

This is a skill in which one behaves in a comforting, nurturing, kind, and gentle way to oneself. You use it by doing something that is soothing to you. It is used in moments of distress or agitation.Chicago Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall, who was diagnosed with BPD in 2011 and is a strong advocate for DBT, cited activities such as prayer and listening to jazz music as instrumental in his treatment.

IMPROVE the moment

This skill is used in moments of distress to help one relax.

Imagery - Imagine relaxing scenes, things going well, or other things that please you.

Meaning - Find some purpose or meaning in what you are feeling.

Prayer - Either pray to whomever you worship, or, if not religious, chant a personal mantra.

Relaxation - Relax your muscles, breathe deeply; use with self-soothing.

One thing in the moment - Focus your entire attention on what you are doing right now. Keep yourself in the present.

Vacation (brief) - Take a break from it all for a short period of time.

[seeking balance]

Hi Leaving Board,

I know when we first come here, most of us are lost and distraught.  Whether a few months or a long marriage, the depths of the pain and confusion can really play havoc on our own ability to cope.  I have mentioned here before that I found a lot of wisdom in DBT skills when I was reading them so I could save my marriage (as if I could do that alone).  When it was clear my life was drastically changing and I felt I might be the crazy one - I started applying what I read - hey, desperate times, we try anything, right? 

What I found were skills that I think should be taught in kindergarten... . here is a brief summary.  Let me know if you currently use any of this and if you start trying it how it helps?  Remember, change is hard - being nons, we can get a real appreciation of how and what we are asking of a pwBPD when we try to change our own thinking and emotions.

Hope you find some value here - please do share any thoughts/questions.

SB



Distress tolerance

Many current approaches to mental health treatment focus on changing distressing events and circumstances such as dealing with the death of a loved one, loss of a job, serious illness, terrorist attacks and other traumatic events.They have paid little attention to accepting, finding meaning for, and tolerating distress. This task has generally been tackled by psychodynamic, psychoanalytic, gestalt, or narrative therapies, along with religious and spiritual communities and leaders. Dialectical behavior therapy emphasizes learning to bear pain skillfully.

Distress tolerance skills constitute a natural development from DBT mindfulness skills. They have to do with the ability to accept, in a non-evaluative and nonjudgmental fashion, both oneself and the current situation. Since this is a non-judgmental stance, this means that it is not one of approval or resignation. The goal is to become capable of calmly recognizing negative situations and their impact, rather than becoming overwhelmed or hiding from them. This allows individuals to make wise decisions about whether and how to take action, rather than falling into the intense, desperate, and often destructive emotional reactions that are part of borderline personality disorder.

Distract with ACCEPTS

This is a skill used to distract oneself temporarily from unpleasant emotions.

Activities - Use positive activities that you enjoy.

Contribute - Help out others or your community.

Comparisons - Compare yourself either to people that are less fortunate or to how you used to be when you were in a worse state.

Emotions (other) - cause yourself to feel something different by provoking your sense of humor or happiness with corresponding activities.

Push away - Put your situation on the back-burner for a while. Put something else temporarily first in your mind.

Thoughts (other) - Force your mind to think about something else.

Sensations (other) – Do something that has an intense feeling other than what you are feeling, like a cold shower or a spicy candy.

Self-soothe

This is a skill in which one behaves in a comforting, nurturing, kind, and gentle way to oneself. You use it by doing something that is soothing to you. It is used in moments of distress or agitation.Chicago Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall, who was diagnosed with BPD in 2011 and is a strong advocate for DBT, cited activities such as prayer and listening to jazz music as instrumental in his treatment.

IMPROVE the moment

This skill is used in moments of distress to help one relax.

Imagery - Imagine relaxing scenes, things going well, or other things that please you.

Meaning - Find some purpose or meaning in what you are feeling.

Prayer - Either pray to whomever you worship, or, if not religious, chant a personal mantra.

Relaxation - Relax your muscles, breathe deeply; use with self-soothing.

One thing in the moment - Focus your entire attention on what you are doing right now. Keep yourself in the present.

Vacation (brief) - Take a break from it all for a short period of time.

[irishmarmot]

Thank you for the information.   I have learned of DBT in treatment for an anxiety disorder.   Right now I am under extreme stress with a court date soon so I am praying to forgive my expwBPD and talking to others.  I have been in tougher situations before but the rumination is all day.  I am innocent of the allegations against me and just hope the judge is able to see that.  But it is tough but it will be over soon.

[seeking balance]

Thank you for the information.   I have learned of DBT in treatment for an anxiety disorder.   Right now I am under extreme stress with a court date soon so I am praying to forgive my expwBPD and talking to others.  I have been in tougher situations before but the rumination is all day.  I am innocent of the allegations against me and just hope the judge is able to see that.  But it is tough but it will be over soon.

Court is very, very hard - it really will be over soon, but until then these skills might help a bit.

So, did you go through DBT in your treatment then?