Boundaries and Personal Therapy

[ApChagi1]

I see a personal therapist for help with depression.  Often times, my sessions revolve around the conflicts that arise between me and my dBPDw.   

One difficulty I have is that when I return home from my sessions, my wife becomes very angry if I don't disclose what I talked about with my therapist.  Angry to the point that, for example, after my appointment last night, my wife stayed up all night pouting because I said I didn't want to talk about it.  This morning she attacked me about how I "made her stay up all night" because I didn't wish to discuss my session. 

I believe what happens in the sessions are between me and my therapist, but I feel pressure to tell my wife something about it, otherwise it's days of fights and/or silent treatment afterwards, only to repeat the cycle the following week after I see my therapist again. 

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can handle this situation better?  Thank you. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi ApChagi1,

I see a personal therapist for help with depression.  Often times, my sessions revolve around the conflicts that arise between me and my dBPDw.  

One difficulty I have is that when I return home from my sessions, my wife becomes very angry if I don't disclose what I talked about with my therapist.  Angry to the point that, for example, after my appointment last night, my wife stayed up all night pouting because I said I didn't want to talk about it.  This morning she attacked me about how I "made her stay up all night" because I didn't wish to discuss my session.  

I believe what happens in the sessions are between me and my therapist, but I feel pressure to tell my wife something about it, otherwise it's days of fights and/or silent treatment afterwards, only to repeat the cycle the following week after I see my therapist again.  

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can handle this situation better?  Thank you.  

this may be a good topic to discuss with your T.

In general it is a bad idea to share more than necessary. It may be necessary to share that you have a T as it may cost money, as it may take time and your partner is affected by that as well. You may decide to change something and you may share that you have decided something if it affects your partner. However what is between you and your T is not something to share. There is a reason for privacy here (protected by professional standards and even the law) which is intended to help you working through your confused thoughts. You would not share any random confused thought crossing your mind with your partner so why would you do it with thoughts going through the protected space between you and the T.

And I really understand that you are on attack here by your wife  . This is almost expected! It is an important boundary without you can't really work with the T. And giving in in piecemeal fashion is just giving her intermittent feedback and increasing the ferocity of her demands. Hold the line and if you can't get the T to work you through this struggle.

S: I get that you are curious what I discussed.

E: You want me to get better and may be at the same time afraid that I change and leave you.

T: I discuss fuzzy thoughts and confused feelings with the T. I never shared fuzzy thoughts and confusion with you or anyone. Would not help the listener nor me. You are not a T but my wife. Different role.

[joshbjoshb]

ApChagi1

I can certainly share your feelings. After many years of my wife yelling at me that I am the one who needs to go to therapy, when I finally found someone and went she got so angry at me. (No surprise there, ah?)

In any case, from your post it seems to me that there is plenty of self work you still need to do. We all do, however there are some steps that must be taken so you can gain some peace.

Understand this:

She has a disorder. Before you can be supportive to her, you must take good care of yourself FIRST! And right now it seems that you don't. Taking care of yourself in the first step means that you fully understand that her reactions to your action is only a disorder. Mot likely, you did nothing wrong.

There is nothing wrong with couples that don't disclose everything.

There is nothing wrong with you NOT sharing if you know that sharing will cause you more agony later, when she will use the things you shared to attack and criticize you.

There is nothing wrong wanting to go away and feeling that you don't want to share anything with her, nothing whatsoever!

She doesn't understand it, because she has a disorder. Most likely, she doesn't even know what she is saying when she us upset, and how bad it sounds, and how damaging it is. So when she is "sober" she wants to know and want you to share.

Her reactions is based, in a large part, on the fear that you are going to abandon her. So when you came back from a therapist, you "saw" a therapist and she "saw" a threat.

Her life doesn't revolve around what you did, or felt, or heard. It's about what it means to *her*, and if it's a threat to her (you are going to leave her soon) she will use every possible way to fight it.

Once you master that, you will be much calmer. You know that everything she says about *you* doesn't mean much because it's not about you. It's about her. Don't want to sound rude her, but most of the time she doesn't think about you (notice I didn't say doesn't care). Her life is too much of a turmoil to start thinking about other people, even her husband.

Think about it as someone in the ocean, drowning and fighting for their life. Will those people start thinking about anyone else? Of course not. Your wife is in such an ocean - of emotions.

When you will come home, hear her rage about something - anything! - and be calm on the inside, telling yourself "I did nothing wrong, she is suffering now" - that will be a sign that you are on the right track.

And when she doesn't sleep "because of you", just feel bad. Really do. Thank g-d for any moment you didn't get this crazy disorder and you can sleep well at night. Feel bad for her, but don't feel guilty!