She's never going to help me is she?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Even though my mother has so much she will never be generous, I completely financially support myself and yet she still feels resentful of giving me anything. I think her logic is that I am happy and living my life while she is unhappy so why do I deserve anything from her.

We had a bit of an awkward moment in a restaurant when my younger sister was coming to stay with me for a couple of days. I had asked my mother if she would give my sister a bit of spending money that would be hers in case she wanted to buy something for herself or her friends. So there was my mother, stepfather, sister and myself and my stepfather gave her some money and then he offered to give me some as well. My mother absolutely refused to let him give me anything, he defended his action by saying I was having a weekend of leisure as well so perhaps I would like some spending money. My mum started shouting at him saying I had plenty of my own money and he was not to give me any. He laughed and said sorry he had tried. I didn't really need any money as I have my own but I was looking after her daughter and paid for everything, meals, transport, admission and it did work out to be quite expensive I would have appreciated her at least chipping in a bit.

I think she will always be in that mind set that I have more than enough, whether it's money, love, friends, emotional fulfillment, I'm getting much more than I deserve while she is getting none so she shouldn't spoil me anymore. Quite weird for a mother to do this, she does have moments of kindness and generosity but they are so unpredictable, like her moods at times they feel almost violent. I fear that the happier and healthier I get the more these feelings of envy and resentment will intensify, especially now I am in a happy relationship and would consider having children in the next few years.

I don't want anything from her but I do worry about the future, completely supporting myself forever through good and bad times is going to be tough. Especially knowing she has so much money that she is deliberately depriving me of for her own personal satisfaction.

[zubizou87]

Even though my mother has so much she will never be generous, I completely financially support myself and yet she still feels resentful of giving me anything. I think her logic is that I am happy and living my life while she is unhappy so why do I deserve anything from her.

We had a bit of an awkward moment in a restaurant when my younger sister was coming to stay with me for a couple of days. I had asked my mother if she would give my sister a bit of spending money that would be hers in case she wanted to buy something for herself or her friends. So there was my mother, stepfather, sister and myself and my stepfather gave her some money and then he offered to give me some as well. My mother absolutely refused to let him give me anything, he defended his action by saying I was having a weekend of leisure as well so perhaps I would like some spending money. My mum started shouting at him saying I had plenty of my own money and he was not to give me any. He laughed and said sorry he had tried. I didn't really need any money as I have my own but I was looking after her daughter and paid for everything, meals, transport, admission and it did work out to be quite expensive I would have appreciated her at least chipping in a bit.

I think she will always be in that mind set that I have more than enough, whether it's money, love, friends, emotional fulfillment, I'm getting much more than I deserve while she is getting none so she shouldn't spoil me anymore. Quite weird for a mother to do this, she does have moments of kindness and generosity but they are so unpredictable, like her moods at times they feel almost violent. I fear that the happier and healthier I get the more these feelings of envy and resentment will intensify, especially now I am in a happy relationship and would consider having children in the next few years.

I don't want anything from her but I do worry about the future, completely supporting myself forever through good and bad times is going to be tough. Especially knowing she has so much money that she is deliberately depriving me of for her own personal satisfaction.

[GeekyGirl]

Do you think that your mother equates money with emotions? Is she using money as a way of punishing you?

I don't want anything from her but I do worry about the future, completely supporting myself forever through good and bad times is going to be tough.

It is tough. Supporting yourself can be a real challenge, but it can also be very liberating at the same time. Do you have a plan to be financially independent from your mother for the long term?

[zubizou87]

Yes it is made doubly hard by the fact that there is a recession but in all honesty I don't feel frightened as I have chosen quite a flexible career which enables me to work abroad. I'm an artist but that isn't substantial as a a sole form of income so I do both art as a hobby and a day job. I'm quite happy with my lot and I have a wonderful boyfriend I'd like to have kids with in a few years.

I just worry that some of my friends have parents that can help them out a little bit here and there but I do not 

[Calsun]

Hi Zubizou87,

Thanks for your post.  This has been a real issue for me in my life with my uBPD mother.  My mother could be very generous at times, and yet that made me more squirrelly often than when she was withholding.  What I came to realize for me was that it all felt the same in the end.  My mother used money, giving and then withholding, as a way of manipulating, as a way of controlling.  She didn't form bonds out of love, she didn't give because it was an expression of loving regard for her children, but because she wanted to control them.  Now, perhaps that comes from the BPD's desperate fear of abandonment.  If she gave a gift that helped her child to build a life of her own, then you would leave.  If she gave or withheld with the subconscious intent of making you less independent, free, happy and joyous, you would be beholden to her and not get away. 

When my mother gave something or did something, there was always a sense that now you owed her for it, forever.  That's the fear of someone who does not want her children to be independent and ever get away, to build a life in which she is not the center of it.  That's been my experience with my uBPD mother.  So, it is interesting that establishing financial independence and abundance is a big issue for many of us who grew up with a BPD mother.

Best,

Calsun

[GeekyGirl]

I just worry that some of my friends have parents that can help them out a little bit here and there but I do not  

I understand. It's hard to not be envious of friends with supportive parents. Sometimes it really frustrates me when I see my friends' parents babysitting, when it's not possible for my parents to babysit. What you have to decide is what's most important to you: your independence (financial and emotional) vs. the support they can provide. Both have their good points and their trade-offs.