Needless Lies About Her Past Sexual Partners

[ATLandon]

So, I've been going over so many different issues I've had with my uBPDwife over the years and I'm finding it is easier to just think about one topic at a time. Today I'm reflecting on her lies (and suspected lies), specifically in regard to sex and intimate relationships.

First let me explain that I am a transgender man, which means that I was born female but have presented and lived as male for years. When I first met my wife from what she told me all of her previous relationships had been only with other women (as in she identified as a lesbian). This was of no consequence to me because at the time I was also trying my damndest to present as lesbian as well (though I didn't do a very good job). I also quickly disclosed to her after we became serious that I identified as male and had intentions of transitioning to living as male permanently. She seemed unphased by my revelation (later to find out this reaction was pure denial). I asked if she had ever dated or slept with a man repeatedly through our relationship (to gauge her ability/comfort level to deal with my transition) and she always denied this. Well, after we moved in together about a year after dating, I accidentally stumbled upon one of her old diaries from high school/college. Seriously, it was in a notebook that I thought was old college notes of hers that I could use to study with. And, of course, the page I first opened to went into detail of her having a relationship with this guy in college and how she had an orgy with this guy and other men involved. I was flabbergasted to say the least. It did not bother me that she had been with an other man in her past, or even experimented sexually. I get that. I'm as open, laid back, and understanding as they come. What I didn't understand is why she repeatedly lied about it when I had been very open and honest about my past, including adventures I wasn't exactly proud of.

This was 7 years ago and to this day I have never confronted her about it. I thought that eventually she would be comfortable enough to share that information with me. Well... . nope! And when I did decide to transition to male she gave me so much hell and did everything to stop me "because never in my life have I ever wanted anything to do with a man!" she would tell me. What a load of ___. I never confronted her because, 1) I had read her diary, which in my book wasn't my place to do, 2) I knew it would result in a catastrophic rage and never ending distrust of me (which ended up happening anyways), and 3) I wanted her to trust me enough one day to tell me herself.

The second incident regarding her sexual past unfortunately is in regard to childhood trauma. It was the 5th or 6th year of our relationship and I had finally decided I was done with all the drama for good. I had thought everything through, made plans, and was dead set to end it. She must have been sensing my plans though, because I called her while I was at work and told her I wanted her to move out. She began crying and was saying how that was just great when she "REALLY needed me for once!" She kept alluding to something bad happening that day but of course was being vague, begging for me to question... . to which my stupid empathetic self did. She then told me that she had been working up the nerve for months and finally decided that day she was going to tell me her father had molested her during her childhood. And in that instant my dream of newfound freedom was gone in a flash. I certainly didn't trust her and thought it was awfully convenient for her to disclose such a gut wrenching, traumatic experience when she was being dumped. But, I'm also a caring and sympathetic person and decided in the off chance that it was true then I would be the scourge of the Earth if I went through with leaving her that day. So I stayed and did my best to help her through it. To this day I still wonder if it was one big lie to get me to stay, but in truth, I'll never know. She certainly has symptoms of someone who experience childhood sexual abuse.

We ended up going through couples therapy and it actually did help our relationship in that taught me to validate her feelings and she learned to be less manipulative/blackmailing to get her way. But, I'm still in a state of doubt and scarred from the emotional abuse over the years. I never told my therapist (who also co-facilitate our couples counseling, so she understands my wife) about any of this. I just mentioned to my therapist at my last session that I think my wife is BPD. Next time I'm going to tell her about all of the lies, emotional and physical abuse she has done to me, as well as her convenient disclosure of sexual abuse. Wish me well folks

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[an0ught]

Hi ATLandon,

assuming your wife suffers from BPD then at the core is often a fair amount of shame, guilt, fear of abandonment or rejection and a great deal of need for validation. Denial to herself or lying to you is a lot easier in the moment (and that is all what counts) than the alternative. You may be laid back and not much judgmental but can you say that of your wife? People with BPD are often very judgmental - black and white thinking has a way to do that. She may have some believes about sex that are deep in her and are acting as a reference point for comparisons all the time. You say you are laid back and she certainly knows that. She may be judging others all the time wrt. sexuality without sharing that as she will be afraid of your judgment of her being not laid back.

Now here is the key point (true for pwBPD but also for us): Constantly judging others has a tendency to also cause pwBPD to constantly judge themselves. It undermines the self esteem too.

The why is simple. The real question is whether and how you want to deal with it... .