Letting go of old dreams...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Today. 

Today I spent pressure washing the exterior of my home to get it ready to sell.  About all you can do with 5 HP and a jet stream of water and cement brick spittle kinking you in the face and hair, is to think.  Well, I thought allot in that six hours.  I thought about how nothing I gave her made her happy, and just how much sweat equity I have in that home she never appreciated.

It took me a year to make it livable.  It took the next 3 to get it exactly how she wanted it to be.  She said I was her guy on the notebook movie. A guy that built her a home with his bare hands.  I guess that was the closest I could ever get to appreciation or a thank you.  to tell you the truth, I don't know what it means, and I am definately not trying to understand her anymore.

Whatever she wanted, I installed.  Granite color, flooring, tile, cabinets, plumbing/electrical fixtures, closets.  I like to think that I did it because I feel, as a man, I should provide for my family and do things around the home.  Haven't opened up with my P much about this yet, but I am sure the problem runs deeper and not so chivalrous (is that a word)?

I also wondered if I triggered her abandonment issues.  I would never put her name on the lien to the house.  I have approx 100k equity in the home, and I wanted to give her half, but she never once offered to help me pay for it, and her sense of entitlement to it scared me.  I always had a little voice in the back of my head saying, "don't do it".  She could never keep the push/pull, splitting, and recycling at bay for more than three months.  And isn't it ironic?  She is with a guy that has three of these homes.  If she should get engaged, I'm sure there would be a prenup.  And then these fears would be the same as with me-except on a larger scale... . on steroids.

There are some things I need to do this week.  I am going to prep the inside for paint (caulking, sheetrock textures, a few holes to patch when she threw objects in a rage) then next Sunday I was going to invite family/friends over for a paint party, and really turn it into a get together barbecue.  I don't drink anymore, so they need to bring their own, but I am determined to get liquid and sell the thing.

Selling it will free up time.  Time spent working.  I would be able to go to school full-time and not have to work full-time.  Freeing up time to work on my RS with my son, on my school, and most of all, on me.  The school I got accepted to is 60 miles away.  I can still see me son twice a week and every other weekends.  But 60 miles is far enough from her.  Far enough to turn a page. Start a new chapter. A new life. A new beginning.

2 more years and I have that piece of paper that can get me anywhere in the world.  The dream was to live overseas together.  Visit places I couldn't even pronounce.  Home school our son. Hell, I've never even been out of the country before.  A country boy, that has stayed close to home his entire life. But a few years from now, hell, I can still live those dreams we planned in that little house she never thanked me for.  Those were my dreams too... . no need to let my dreams go.  But I can let her go... . Yeah, it's that old dream I'm letting go of... .

[arn131arn]

Today. 

Today I spent pressure washing the exterior of my home to get it ready to sell.  About all you can do with 5 HP and a jet stream of water and cement brick spittle kinking you in the face and hair, is to think.  Well, I thought allot in that six hours.  I thought about how nothing I gave her made her happy, and just how much sweat equity I have in that home she never appreciated.

It took me a year to make it livable.  It took the next 3 to get it exactly how she wanted it to be.  She said I was her guy on the notebook movie. A guy that built her a home with his bare hands.  I guess that was the closest I could ever get to appreciation or a thank you.  to tell you the truth, I don't know what it means, and I am definately not trying to understand her anymore.

Whatever she wanted, I installed.  Granite color, flooring, tile, cabinets, plumbing/electrical fixtures, closets.  I like to think that I did it because I feel, as a man, I should provide for my family and do things around the home.  Haven't opened up with my P much about this yet, but I am sure the problem runs deeper and not so chivalrous (is that a word)?

I also wondered if I triggered her abandonment issues.  I would never put her name on the lien to the house.  I have approx 100k equity in the home, and I wanted to give her half, but she never once offered to help me pay for it, and her sense of entitlement to it scared me.  I always had a little voice in the back of my head saying, "don't do it".  She could never keep the push/pull, splitting, and recycling at bay for more than three months.  And isn't it ironic?  She is with a guy that has three of these homes.  If she should get engaged, I'm sure there would be a prenup.  And then these fears would be the same as with me-except on a larger scale... . on steroids.

There are some things I need to do this week.  I am going to prep the inside for paint (caulking, sheetrock textures, a few holes to patch when she threw objects in a rage) then next Sunday I was going to invite family/friends over for a paint party, and really turn it into a get together barbecue.  I don't drink anymore, so they need to bring their own, but I am determined to get liquid and sell the thing.

Selling it will free up time.  Time spent working.  I would be able to go to school full-time and not have to work full-time.  Freeing up time to work on my RS with my son, on my school, and most of all, on me.  The school I got accepted to is 60 miles away.  I can still see me son twice a week and every other weekends.  But 60 miles is far enough from her.  Far enough to turn a page. Start a new chapter. A new life. A new beginning.

2 more years and I have that piece of paper that can get me anywhere in the world.  The dream was to live overseas together.  Visit places I couldn't even pronounce.  Home school our son. Hell, I've never even been out of the country before.  A country boy, that has stayed close to home his entire life. But a few years from now, hell, I can still live those dreams we planned in that little house she never thanked me for.  Those were my dreams too... . no need to let my dreams go.  But I can let her go... . Yeah, it's that old dream I'm letting go of... .

[winston72]

Hey Arn, what a lovely post.  Thank you.  I could feel the power washing along with you. 

Just a thank you and a heartfelt hope that your future will be full and joyful.

[Tausk]

Thanks for sharing. I had to learn that mourning and rebuilding dreams is part of the process.  One day at a time.  And good hard physical labor was a very important part of my recovery.

Maybe this will help to cheer you up a bit.  I'm up north and the high temperature tomorrow is suppose to be around -10 F and the low temp around -25 F.   So if I had the pressure washer out, the water would freeze and be ice crystals before it hit the house.

Just a little levity and a change of perspective while we move forward.

The best.

T

[arn131arn]

Thanks, it's a process. One step at a time. To move on with grace is what I'm striving for. It's easy to get caught back up in the chaos. I did it last week. NC is the perfect way to do this. Good hard work is definately helping, as well. In the gym, at my house, at my day job, at my night job, at school, service in the community. Hard NOT to feel better about yourself. It is what it is... .

[myself]

Those were my dreams too... . no need to let my dreams go.  But I can let her go... .

I've said these exact words before, to myself, and they're true. 

[RecycledNoMore]

Letting go of old dreams... .

Making space for new... .

Huggs Arn, youve come so far... .

[Perfidy]

Reality is way funner than the illusion anyway arn. This is a big old world that has things to offer that you would have never dreamed.

[Moonie75]

I absolutely REFUSE to let go of my dreams!

Someone once said,

":)on't give up on your dreams, or they might give up on you."

My dreams are part of who I am, just like my arm is. If my arm gets hurt it can repair & heal, but there's pain for a while. I view my dreams the same way. They can get hurt, damaged, broken up or whatever. But NOBODY will take them from me! Just like weathering the pain of my arm healing, I will weather the pain of rebuilding my dreams.

I know longer include my BPDex in my hopes & dreams. But I still have the same hopes & dreams, to share, and enjoy. The dream remains the same, it will just include a different person one day. They're my dreams not hers & she ain't taking them with her! That's as good as chopping my limbs off & giving her those to take!

My dreams are part of me, and they're not for taking away!

So Arn, you hold onto your dreams, broken, damaged or whatever. Don't let go of them, repair them, rebuild them (to one day include someone else too). They're part if who YOU are!

Our dreams are not where we've come from... . They are what we're working towards & where we're heading to!

Let go of our dreams & we're going nowhere!

[Popcorn71]

You might found out that you find new dreams along the way.

A lot has changed in a year for me and my dreams now are very different from those I had then.  I have a new found freedom now and I can now see that many of my dreams were given up in order to go along with 'our' dreams.  Now I can follow my own dreams without any compromise.

I hope your dreams come true!