Maintaining NC on the hardest day

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was just reading another topic where "learning-curve74" said "when you want to write a letter, post it here instead... . " Today is the 8 year anniversary of my marriage to my uBPDh (it was the opinion, rather than official diagnosis, of 3 marriage therapists that he has BPD/NPD.)  Our divorce isn't final, but we've been separated for over 7 months with me enforcing NC for the last 4 months. This is the letter I won't send:

I got your voice message this morning. I knew it would be there. I wanted to be stronger than I feel right now.

Eight years ago today I thought we could go the distance. I was determined that my love for you would overcome the obstacles that I knew were there. At first those obstacles showed themselves in the angry outbursts that came from nowhere. Or in your extreme and unreasonable reactions to things that challenged you. I chalked it up to your horrible childhood. I told myself you had never gotten a fair shake, that you'd never known real love... . until me.

Back then those episodes were infrequent enough to bury. They were overshadowed by the brilliance of a man with whom I shared so many things: core values, common goals, similar life achievements, future vision. They were buried by the generosity of a kind man, a sensitive man, a man who sought to better himself and the world around him.

After all these years I look back on the first times I was brought to my emotional knees when you were in "attack mode." How naïve I was! How unprepared for the emotional assault that hit me out of nowhere. Remember how I used to tell you, when it was all over, that I felt like I was "blindsided," "had the rug pulled out from under me," was "emotionally sucker punched?" It was so confusing, so I just danced as fast as I could until it was over and I could tell myself that it was an anomaly. That if I could just find a way to get through this that it would be okay. And it always was okay - actually it was always better than okay. When you were finished with your meltdown, you tried harder, you loved more, you offered more. Until the next time, when you convinced yourself that I had taken advantage of you and you resented what you had given and hated me for taking it. Or you convinced yourself that you really couldn't rely on my love, that it was all smoke and mirrors and that somehow you were being deceived. (Funny, even now I'm tempted to write down all the ways I demonstrated my love for you, all the very real instances of my being there for you, heart and soul. Even now I feel compelled to try to convince you and to defend myself.)

Strangely enough I could have withstood that roller coaster (and actually did for 7 years.) What I couldn't withstand is the curtain being pulled back for the rest of the world to see what was really there.

Even now I understand that it's my sickness that wishes we could have kept the curtain closed. That you could have somehow kept yourself from showing friends and family and therapists how far you had taken it. How far I had let you take it. So they wouldn't have challenged me to make a choice. So they wouldn't see how damaged I had become if I told the truth: I don't want to leave. I just want it all back the way it is when he's really there. Not this monster that you all see now.

Why do I cling to the idea that "you" are really there? Or that you're capable of "staying there," instead of letting this other thing overtake you. All the reading and expert advice and knowledge base tells me that's my delusion. That you are what you are and there is no way to reach the "you" I want to believe is there. There is no change that's going to come after the next episode or the one after that or the hundredth one after that. There is only more of the same.

I still cling to that delusion because I have missed you so much. There have been so many times that I've wanted to talk to you - and only you - because you're the only one who would relate. That's what I miss the most - all the ways we were so alike, all the things we understood about each other. You were capable of treating me so cruelly sometimes, but that doesn't mean that, most of the time, you weren't also my best friend.

I miss our life together. I miss the road trips and the nights at home. I miss you sitting on the other side of the kitchen counter while I cooked dinner. I miss the home we built together. I miss the projects we collaborated on. I miss sitting on the deck at dusk making plans. Plans for so many things. I miss you walking in the door (once I knew you weren't mad and going to take it out on me,) and just the comfort of knowing you were home and that we were "us." I miss you next to me in bed.

Those are just some of the reasons I still entertain my fantasy that things could ever be healthy between us. I've been strong and I've done the things that are going to finally free me from a relationship that tried to convince me that I had no value. I won't respond to your message this morning. I won't tell you that I, too, think about you almost every minute of everyday. That I, too, wish that things could be different. I will maintain no contact.

But, today, 8 years to the day that I promised you I would be your best friend and strongest ally. That everything I did would be to build you up and never to diminish you. Today I just miss you. Today I just wish I could be that bride who didn't know how much my heart could break.

[cm2012]

I was just reading another topic where "learning-curve74" said "when you want to write a letter, post it here instead... . " Today is the 8 year anniversary of my marriage to my uBPDh (it was the opinion, rather than official diagnosis, of 3 marriage therapists that he has BPD/NPD.)  Our divorce isn't final, but we've been separated for over 7 months with me enforcing NC for the last 4 months. This is the letter I won't send:

I got your voice message this morning. I knew it would be there. I wanted to be stronger than I feel right now.

Eight years ago today I thought we could go the distance. I was determined that my love for you would overcome the obstacles that I knew were there. At first those obstacles showed themselves in the angry outbursts that came from nowhere. Or in your extreme and unreasonable reactions to things that challenged you. I chalked it up to your horrible childhood. I told myself you had never gotten a fair shake, that you'd never known real love... . until me.

Back then those episodes were infrequent enough to bury. They were overshadowed by the brilliance of a man with whom I shared so many things: core values, common goals, similar life achievements, future vision. They were buried by the generosity of a kind man, a sensitive man, a man who sought to better himself and the world around him.

After all these years I look back on the first times I was brought to my emotional knees when you were in "attack mode." How naïve I was! How unprepared for the emotional assault that hit me out of nowhere. Remember how I used to tell you, when it was all over, that I felt like I was "blindsided," "had the rug pulled out from under me," was "emotionally sucker punched?" It was so confusing, so I just danced as fast as I could until it was over and I could tell myself that it was an anomaly. That if I could just find a way to get through this that it would be okay. And it always was okay - actually it was always better than okay. When you were finished with your meltdown, you tried harder, you loved more, you offered more. Until the next time, when you convinced yourself that I had taken advantage of you and you resented what you had given and hated me for taking it. Or you convinced yourself that you really couldn't rely on my love, that it was all smoke and mirrors and that somehow you were being deceived. (Funny, even now I'm tempted to write down all the ways I demonstrated my love for you, all the very real instances of my being there for you, heart and soul. Even now I feel compelled to try to convince you and to defend myself.)

Strangely enough I could have withstood that roller coaster (and actually did for 7 years.) What I couldn't withstand is the curtain being pulled back for the rest of the world to see what was really there.

Even now I understand that it's my sickness that wishes we could have kept the curtain closed. That you could have somehow kept yourself from showing friends and family and therapists how far you had taken it. How far I had let you take it. So they wouldn't have challenged me to make a choice. So they wouldn't see how damaged I had become if I told the truth: I don't want to leave. I just want it all back the way it is when he's really there. Not this monster that you all see now.

Why do I cling to the idea that "you" are really there? Or that you're capable of "staying there," instead of letting this other thing overtake you. All the reading and expert advice and knowledge base tells me that's my delusion. That you are what you are and there is no way to reach the "you" I want to believe is there. There is no change that's going to come after the next episode or the one after that or the hundredth one after that. There is only more of the same.

I still cling to that delusion because I have missed you so much. There have been so many times that I've wanted to talk to you - and only you - because you're the only one who would relate. That's what I miss the most - all the ways we were so alike, all the things we understood about each other. You were capable of treating me so cruelly sometimes, but that doesn't mean that, most of the time, you weren't also my best friend.

I miss our life together. I miss the road trips and the nights at home. I miss you sitting on the other side of the kitchen counter while I cooked dinner. I miss the home we built together. I miss the projects we collaborated on. I miss sitting on the deck at dusk making plans. Plans for so many things. I miss you walking in the door (once I knew you weren't mad and going to take it out on me,) and just the comfort of knowing you were home and that we were "us." I miss you next to me in bed.

Those are just some of the reasons I still entertain my fantasy that things could ever be healthy between us. I've been strong and I've done the things that are going to finally free me from a relationship that tried to convince me that I had no value. I won't respond to your message this morning. I won't tell you that I, too, think about you almost every minute of everyday. That I, too, wish that things could be different. I will maintain no contact.

But, today, 8 years to the day that I promised you I would be your best friend and strongest ally. That everything I did would be to build you up and never to diminish you. Today I just miss you. Today I just wish I could be that bride who didn't know how much my heart could break.

[seeking balance]

 



I know these days can be so hard, a lot of tears to fall.

HE is not capable to understand this, but by not sending this email, you are giving him a gift.  He would go into a shame spiral and you both would be hurting even more.

Be gentle with you today.

Peace,

SB

[Tausk]

Oh CM:  Thank you so much for posting.  It's a beautiful letter and expresses so many of my feelings.  I'm tearing up as I write.   Thank you for posting a letter that is neither black or white, but in the gray where I need to be for recovery.

You were capable of treating me so cruelly sometimes, but that doesn't mean that, most of the time, you weren't also my best friend.

This was the fact for as well.  But sadly, my ex does not have the capacity to even remember that we were once friends.  She has just painted me black as the darkest night. 

But for my recovery, I must think and feel in grays.  It's only in that way, that I can accept, let go, feel compassion, and forgive. 

And I try to remember, that it's likely that  the greatest or only gift I have left to give my ex, whom I love as much today as the first day I met her, is... . separation.

[santa]

I think the fallacy that they are your "best friend" comes from the fact that they isolate you from everyone else.

If they create a situation where you are solely focused on them constantly, it creates the illusion that they are your best friend even when the reality is that they aren't.

[seeking balance]

I think the fallacy that they are your "best friend" comes from the fact that they isolate you from everyone else.

If they create a situation where you are solely focused on them constantly, it creates the illusion that they are your best friend even when the reality is that they aren't.

I don't know santa, mine was my best friend, just not able to maintain it... . I found comfort in knowing I could love parts and miss parts so I could grieve the good while accepting the bad is real too.

[santa]

I think the fallacy that they are your "best friend" comes from the fact that they isolate you from everyone else.

If they create a situation where you are solely focused on them constantly, it creates the illusion that they are your best friend even when the reality is that they aren't.

I don't know santa, mine was my best friend, just not able to maintain it... . I found comfort in knowing I could love parts and miss parts so I could grieve the good while accepting the bad is real too.

I enjoyed my ex's company as well. She was a blast to hang out with most of the time. The bad side of her was absolutely not my best friend though and I cannot keep splitting the two. Therefore, I don't think she was really my best friend.

[seeking balance]

I enjoyed my ex's company as well. She was a blast to hang out with most of the time. The bad side of her was absolutely not my best friend though and I cannot keep splitting the two. Therefore, I don't think she was really my best friend.

That's fair, we all process differently 

[Moonie75]

I think the fallacy that they are your "best friend" comes from the fact that they isolate you from everyone else.

If they create a situation where you are solely focused on them constantly, it creates the illusion that they are your best friend even when the reality is that they aren't.

I don't know santa, mine was my best friend, just not able to maintain it... . I found comfort in knowing I could love parts and miss parts so I could grieve the good while accepting the bad is real too.

I enjoyed my ex's company as well. She was a blast to hang out with most of the time. The bad side of her was absolutely not my best friend though and I cannot keep splitting the two. Therefore, I don't think she was really my best friend.

I'm agreeing with Santa on this. This is exactly how I'm beginning to feel.

[Tausk]

I think the fallacy that they are your "best friend" comes from the fact that they isolate you from everyone else.

If they create a situation where you are solely focused on them constantly, it creates the illusion that they are your best friend even when the reality is that they aren't.

I don't know santa, mine was my best friend, just not able to maintain it... . I found comfort in knowing I could love parts and miss parts so I could grieve the good while accepting the bad is real too.

I enjoyed my ex's company as well. She was a blast to hang out with most of the time. The bad side of her was absolutely not my best friend though and I cannot keep splitting the two. Therefore, I don't think she was really my best friend.

I'm agreeing with Santa on this. This is exactly how I'm beginning to feel.

For me, I was trying to express to CM how much I appreciate the acknowledgment of the the good times, the joy, the innocence... .

It's too easy in my anger to simply paint my ex as a monster.  The splitting and black and white thinking is not just a characteristic of pwBPD.  I have to remember that no matter what my ex's actions were, her intent was really never to hurt anyone.  That's why I believed her so much.  She wanted to love me.  She just couldn't love me in the way I needed to be loved.

By thinking in terms of all sides of my interaction, I allow myself to have compassion for my ex, and for me, and to forgive myself.  But otherwise, I have to justify to myself why did I fall in love and lose myself to a sociopath?  But my ex wasn't. 

And as CM's letter expresses with such tenderness and compassion, that despite the joys and the intentions of goodness, the destructive behavior of the interaction became too unhealthy to continue. 

I appreciate CM's gift of sharing her letter here.  It helps me to feel less alone, and to move through the fear and abandonment depression.

[arn131arn]

okay... . just cried.  Beautiful... . everything relatable

Logging off now, CM

[Livin4me]

Awe... . made me tear up!  Life is a dance as they say, learn as we go!  The sad part is, for them, it's perpetual... . and I believe they find comfort in repeating the process.  Well, comfort is probably not the right word, but the only thing they can relate to, is to repeat the process! 

[RecycledNoMore]

(( cm))

I can relate to the curtain cm, wanting to stay behind it, in our own world, but ultimately having to make a choice ... .

That was a touching reminder to me of what used to be ( sometimes )

Thank you cm, sometimes I split him black too

You reminded me of his other side... .

And also why I have to let go... .

Peace cm, that was really beautiful.

[cm2012]

I think the fallacy that they are your "best friend" comes from the fact that they isolate you from everyone else.

If they create a situation where you are solely focused on them constantly, it creates the illusion that they are your best friend even when the reality is that they aren't.

He was my best friend, much of the time. He never isolated me, even if he did have a hard time when he wasn't the sole focus of my attention. He is very high functioning and aware enough to try to control himself when he knew his behavior would be counter-productive. He just couldn't sustain it. And, in the final meltdown of our marriage he acted completely unlike what a best friend would be. I don't believe that negates the fact that he acted and behaved as my best friend for significant parts of the relationship. I don't think it negates the fact that he tried, or that his trying didn't have value when he ultimately wasn't able to act in the way a best friend acts. You might say I'm still deluding myself. But I think it's incorrect to believe that the way he treated me, when he treated me well, was all illusion and thus had no merit.  Maybe it all boils down to whether or not I believe the motives behind his treating me well were all planned-out-trickery, or whether they were his effort to be what he wanted to be: worthy of being loved. I think part of my healing and moving on has something to do with acknowledging the good in my husband and grieving the loss of that, as well as the acknowledgement that he isn't able to consistently bring his best efforts to the relationship on a level that would sustain a healthy marriage.  

[Tausk]

I think the fallacy that they are your "best friend" comes from the fact that they isolate you from everyone else.

If they create a situation where you are solely focused on them constantly, it creates the illusion that they are your best friend even when the reality is that they aren't.

He was my best friend, much of the time. He never isolated me, even if he did have a hard time when he wasn't the sole focus of my attention. He is very high functioning and aware enough to try to control himself when he knew his behavior would be counter-productive. He just couldn't sustain it. And, in the final meltdown of our marriage he acted completely unlike what a best friend would be. I don't believe that negates the fact that he acted and behaved as my best friend for significant parts of the relationship. I don't think it negates the fact that he tried, or that his trying didn't have value when he ultimately wasn't able to act in the way a best friend acts. You might say I'm still deluding myself. But I think it's incorrect to believe that the way he treated me, when he treated me well, was all illusion and thus had no merit.  Maybe it all boils down to whether or not I believe the motives behind his treating me well were all planned-out-trickery, or whether they were his effort to be what he wanted to be: worthy of being loved. I think part of my healing and moving on has something to do with acknowledging the good in my husband and grieving the loss of that, as well as the acknowledgement that he isn't able to consistently bring his best efforts to the relationship on a level that would sustain a healthy marriage.  

When I was treated well by my ex, it was genuine and real.  The motives were as positive as any person could ask.  And the joy was as pure as any three year old who screams in delight as they smile back at you.   But just like the three year old, the emotions and intent were only real for the moment.  Nothing that was said, done, or felt in the past, mattered except for the feelings were being felt at that instant.  

For my ex, whatever her feeling were at the moment, was the truth.  And because of the increasing pressure of the push/pull dynamic of the disorder, the stress of the r/s created ever increasing and pervasive destruction.  And I had to radically accept that the destruction was there, it was always going to be there, it was going to get worse and there was nothing I could do about it.  

There is no rationality in the above process, but that why it's called a disorder.  

But again, that fact does not negate the pure intent of giving that my ex offered when she was mirroring me in the idealization phase.  The problem was that although the intent and gifts were real, it was only for the moment and not sustainable.  This type of thinking in the "gray" has helped me understand, move on, and detach and recover.

CM, again thank you for your letter,  but I strongly would not recommend sending it.  Post on here if you feel tempted.   The meaning of the letter is beyond the capacity of our exes to understand, and the content will only be interpreted as an act of violence and abuse against their fragile almost non existent egos.  

Such Sadness.

In support,

T

[Hutsepotmetworst]

I thought she was my best friend, she knew all about my most intimate feelings. She came on very strong to know about these very fast in the rs.

But then she used this knowledge to hurt me in the most hurtful way : throw my most deepest fears and insecurities back in my face while she was raging... . Devastated me... . Still can believe the things she yelled at me (and at one point also at my children)... .

It was all about controlling my feelings and thoughts.

My best friend ? 

[cm2012]

Tausk -

Well said and very accurate.

I won't send the letter. It would serve no purpose for him. And it's purpose for me was to help sort things out in my head (which seems to be a never ending process right now.)