Just want to give him a hug

[caughtnreleased]

Since 1 year NC, I've gone through a range of emotions, done a lot of work on myself, am moving on, have been dating, and frankly living life to its fullest, and having fun.   With regards to my pwBPD, I seem to just come back to the same feeling of affection, and sadness for him and just wanting to give him a hug. 

Having experienced some pretty rough relationships before my pwBPD, I was majorly on guard with him, didn't let myself get too love bombed, and put up some firm boundaries. I still fell for him, very hard... . and he pulled the vulnerable seducer bit.  But, despite the emotional pull, I stood my ground.  It led to him moving on (ok they do that with or without boundaries), with only one recycle (the fewest recycles in my relationship history), and basically him dropping all contact with me.  I can't really be angry with him because he told me from the very beginning about his BPD, and I did my research and put down my limits and stuck to them. I don't see any ill intention from him, and I only see someone who is incredibly fragile, hurt and has no clue how to build relationships with people, despite desperately wanting to and as a result is in constant pain.  I can't be angry with him.  I put down boundaries, he let me go, moved on, and I've really come a long way since being with him.  It's almost like, the better things get in my life, the more I just want to share a bit of that with this person I know who is suffering, and who really had an impact on me.

What do I do with this feeling of just wanting to give him a hug?  Maybe if I did give him a hug, I wouldn't feel better, or satisfied... . he probably wouldn't want it, or would tell me the replacement gives better hugs, or text her in the middle of the hug, or tell me some horrible shocking thing about his past, like he has a horrible disease transmissible through hugs only... . or whatever... .    But I simply feel affection for him, and I don't really know what to DO about it. 

[let-it-go]

Let's pretend for a moment that you see him and give him a hug.  He likes it and starts to contact you again.  Now what would you do?  Are you missing the side of him that makes you feel oh so wonderful and just want a little taste of it again?  If that's the case... . do not give that hug.  It will only lead to heartache and won't be worth it in the end. 

[Perfidy]

CnR... I'm not trying to be the detachment police BUT... that doesn't sound like forgiveness OR indifference. Maybe complacency or even(gasp!)a desire? Hmm... Why?

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks for your responses. No, I don't think I miss anything about the relationship we had.  I am relieved that it's over.  I guess, as things in my life improve I feel bad for leaving him behind in his own misery. He is not a bad person... . I can't paint him black, but I'm not painting him white either.    Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I will ever feel indifferent to him, only because by telling me about BPD, he really helped me start to put things right in my life. 

[tabular]

I won't criticise you, caught, because I don't think there is anything wrong about the way you are thinking. If he has never been abusive towards you and you can say honestly that you don't miss the relationship… I think that's detachment enough. But I completely understand (and actually think that it is much more healthy) to care about someone you once loved and wanting to share the good with that person, even if they are not in your life anymore. I can completely related, albeit I know that when I show care to my ex, it just causes him to withdraw and treat me like crap. I wish we could be REAL friends, where there is no power play involved, where I don't have to be afraid that if I send him an email or text he will see this as an excuse to shower me with self-involved replies or perceive me as 'weak'.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Tabular,

Thanks for your message. And thanks for the reminder of just how much of a catch 22 it is to care for someone who does not know how to receive (or to give) love.  Indeed, it's all about a powerplay. And yes, how much I have wished that he were well enough to just be a REAL friend... . as you say, because he was a friend... . but sadly, only for a brief moment. 

I guess sometimes our feelings for our pwBPD are just about being human.  I see in him a small, lost and hurt child, and yes, I want to give him a hug for that.  I also know I won't be breaking NC anytime soon... . I guess I have my pride too.

In the meantime, I feel affection for him.  What can I do about my feelings of affection? I suppose the only thing really is to learn to give it to someone who is able to receive it... . that too, I've discovered, is a giant mountain to climb.

[CoasterRider]

feel sorry for them yes, but contact them no? they have enough enablers in their lives already

[caughtnreleased]

True enough. He's probably still in idealization phase with his new wife so won't be contacting me, and I'm too proud (and busy with my own life really) to contact him. 

[CoasterRider]

True enough. He's probably still in idealization phase with his new wife so won't be contacting me, and I'm too proud (and busy with my own life really) to contact him. 

Any contact with him will only soothe him to know the hooks are still in. We rarely if ever get what we want out if contact with the (understanding, an epiphany, an apology, closure) there is nothing wrong with them, it was all our fault remember?