Still Unsure

[Happy1]

The crux of my detachment has alway been hung up on the question of today, ":)id she change?". In my case I detached from her by going NC after she moved 1800 miles away. It was much easier to do. Just before she left, she'd been in a "love bomb" with another guy for about 2.5-3 months. He moved 1000 miles the other direction (2800 miles apart) a week before she was to depart for her new job in New England. I saw her before she left. She'd called me to tell me she was going. She was giddy and excited about her new love, her beginning a "new life" etc, but not terribly excited to see me. By then I knew what the game was. Life was beginning anew (again) for her. She'd met the most wonderful person and was "madly in love", etc. I'd heard it all before, while she flaunted it in my face and degraded me at the same time. I made my resolve right then and there that when she'd left, I'd have a much easier time making a clean break without any recycles. So, I did that. A week after she got to her new location I got a card and a phone message a few days later. I held true to NC. Each night around midnight for almost 2-3 months, I'd get a call and let it go to my answering machine. No message was ever left (though I knew it was her). I just couldn't answer that phone or I knew the whole cycle would just repeat with me on the losing end, again. So, I let her go.

She always had a dream of wanting to live in New England (or NYC). She told me her fantasy was to marry some writer-type and to settle down there with the sand and the surf close by in an older Victorian home, etc. As I've state before, I think she must have read a bunch of magazines that depict those sorts of ideal picturesque homes or "Ann of Green Gables", or something... ? But it was her vision and dream.

The guy she love bombed move to a nearby town to work a couple of years later. Acquaintances told me they'd kept up a long distance romance. Soon, they settled in together, then a couple years later bought a Victorian home, married, and had kids, while she started her own business (which appears to be going well). They've been together for 20+ yrs. It appears that she's gotten everything she ever dreamed of and is totally contented now.

So, that's my question, "How'd she do it?" and ":)id she change?". There's a part of me that is jealous about how this all seemingly simply came together for her, but also, there's a part of me that really just sees her lining up "set pieces" or manipulated "objects" as she sees fit and to heck with the people's involved and their needs. The rational side of me says, "The guy is super codependent and stuck, as he's heavily invested into this relationship with lots of complexities now so, he can't really leave even if he wanted to, etc. That he's put up with a ton of abuse and witnessed a lot of bizarre behavior that he has no clue what to do about other than to just 'be there' for her, etc." But the other side of my brain says, "She did it! She got whatever she wanted and she might be a little difficult at times, but she's way less crazy making now and more stable (less or no; lying, push-pulls, fear of abandonment, infidelities, etc.) because of it and that all just balances out to a contented life. Or, one that is manageable for everyone (husband & kids)." If the latter is the case, that's where my jealousy begins, because in our relationship, it was that very thing that I was trying to provide for her. Insight into her behavior, patience coupled with strong commitment, but I wasn't able to pull it off. And, I really think it has to do with the fact that I was pretty set on my own career and life goals at that time too, which likely would have been way too pigeonholed in some scenic small New England seaside town. I could buy into her dream, but I also had dreams of my own that were differing than hers. I wanted to build a life "together". I do believe it simply comes down to that and at that time she could either sense it would be a struggle to get me to attend to her needs and vision exclusively as it appears her husband has done all these years so she let me go. Stopped trying to recycle me and simply "hunkered down" to manipulate someone else to make things happen for her. Again, then, ":)id she change?"

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mazda]

Most likely, no change.  Or lots of therapy and little change.

Let me point out one thing.  Marriages are about two people coming together and making a future.  Everyone has dreams of how they want their life to be and the majority of the time there is some discrepancy and so a mixture of both peoples' dreams.  The fact that her life was her dream "come true" suggests that this guy had little say and was steam rolled over, or was a complete enabler who must have suffered all these years.

Be thankful it wasn't you, because your brain is only playing tricks on you.  She isn't as happy as you want to think she is or even what she portrays to the world.

[Happy1]

Mazada,

Thanks. In my head, I know what you're saying is true, it's just that other voice that makes me think otherwise and it crops up from time to time.

[Mazda]

Mazada,

Thanks. In my head, I know what you're saying is true, it's just that other voice that makes me think otherwise and it crops up from time to time.

It's just your mind playing tricks... . you are better off.

More to the point, why are you still bothered?  Karma catches up, and I sincerely doubt she was or is happy.  I would also recommend posting on the detaching board about this.

[Happy1]

Mazda,

This is the last hurdle, battling the little voice in my head that she ended up better off than me somehow. It's really not so much about "her", but my mental image or "fantasy" related to her. This feeling comes and goes every 2-3 yrs or so. Not sure why, probably just part of the scar that I'll bear for the rest of my life. However, life is good and I need to remember that, always.

I did post to the "detach" board, but one of the admins must have moved me here. Not sure why, really. But grateful for your reminders and thoughts, nonetheless. Much appreciated.

Happy2

[Boisnix79]

Happy 2, the fear of what you're describing is what keeps me hanging on to my relatinship. Like just off in the distance is the life with the victorian home and the garden with her... . then I look at reality of where I am and wonder, is it me? Is Happy2 and Boisnix holding them back from that life? Its a very confusing. The problem with it is, its fear based.

":)O I get to move on from this and be happy?"

And is it going to be true happiness or am I just going to be "happy"?

Is it worth being the enabler or being steam rolled over... . Its not a job where I get an income and come home regardless if I'm treated right or not... . thats a bummer but doable... . This is HOME, Victorian Home or not... .

[Mazda]

Happy 2, the fear of what you're describing is what keeps me hanging on to my relatinship. Like just off in the distance is the life with the victorian home and the garden with her... . then I look at reality of where I am and wonder, is it me? Is Happy2 and Boisnix holding them back from that life? Its a very confusing. The problem with it is, its fear based.

":)O I get to move on from this and be happy?"

And is it going to be true happiness or am I just going to be "happy"?

Is it worth being the enabler or being steam rolled over... . Its not a job where I get an income and come home regardless if I'm treated right or not... . thats a bummer but doable... . This is HOME, Victorian Home or not... .

Boisinix and Happy2,

I hope you don't mind me just being blunt, but I care for you both and understand the pain you have and are going through.

I was briefly engaged to an uBPD with narc traits and almost married him.  Thankfully, I was spared that awful fate.  Since then, I have made it my mission to piece together and learn as much as I possibly can about BPD.  I know that it's a spectrum, but here is the general consensus of the leading professionals as well as lots of research papers and personal accounts.

They do not change.  They do not get better.  They may, with a LOT of work, preferably DBT, be able to control the rage and outbursts, but the lies, manipulation, undermining etc do not change.  As my therapist says, they are just nasty people.  He chooses not to work with them because he doesn't like them.  In terms of how manipulative these people are? Even therapists who treat them undergo therapy once a week themselves to ensure that THEY are not being manipulated either.  These people can be dangerous.  I am sorry to be posting this on the staying board because I am sure that people committed to their partners are struggling and don't want to hear this.

The dream?  What dream?  To be abused? To be manipulated?  To constantly fear the next fight or silent treatment?  To second guess all your thoughts? Is that YOUR dream?

I love Harry potter, and my analogy is the mirror of erised. It shows you what your heart desires.  That's what the BPDs do.  They make you look in that mirror.  The piece of advice that dumbledore gives Harry is not to dwell on it, for it neither gives you truth nor knowledge.  Men have wasted away entranced by it or been driven mad, not knowing whether it was real or not.  That is BPD, and that is what happens if you stick around with a BPD, especially one who has no desire to get treatment.

Do you want a healthy, adult relationship? Because you can't do that with a BPD. 

Boisinix, do you really think your SO will honestly change if it's with someone else? Do you think her dreams will come true?

Let me ask you, if you stay with her, do you think YOUR dreams will come true?  You know what, even if, in the highly highly highly unlikely scenario that they stay with someone and are "happy" (I guarantee at the cost of the other persons' happiness) then the person is looking in the mirror, either entranced and oblivious to the fact that they are in a relationship with an illusion and LIE or they are being driven MAD trying to figure out if it's real or not (head start: it's not). 

Get the hell out and thank your lucky stars that you don't have to deal with all that anymore.

[Boisnix79]

Mazda,

Thank you and a great great post... . but I cannot help but ask this... . and maybe its just my bleeding heart, which i didnt really know i had to be honest...

If we dont stay who will? If we dont care who will? If your therapist doesnt treat them who will?

There is good in them or we wouldnt be here... . would we?

Even though I know youre right, I cannot help but compare it to someone in a wheelchair... . I cannot leave them after I love them because, out of no fault of their own, they have no legs...

SO HOW to I justify that?

If I have the strength, should I not use it... .

THAT IS WHAT stops me... . that and her soft, scared, childlike heart...

DONT get me wrong, I still agree with you too ... .

[Happy1]

Boisnix79

I'd say that probably what happened in your case is, you settled. Somewhere you made a concession of your wants and desires to be with your BPD. Now, looking past that sounds probably scary and unsettling, when you know what you're getting now, which is a given. Good or bad. Plus, I bet you're really good at not really letting anyone else know what's happening within your relationship too. Like as in your partner probably would kill you if you did. Plus, you might be too embarrassed to even speak of it to friends and colleagues, or something. Am I right?

In my case, leaving was really not an option. I mean, I knew we'd been fighting way too much and that she was so downright dismissive of me and ready for something or someone new all of the time. I was treated like a placeholder and felt like one too, though I had hopes she'd settle down emotionally and simply stay because I showed so much patience and dedication. That was painful enough. However, there was a time that I really thought she'd change. She went into counseling (now upon reflections it was mostly because I did [aka: mirroring]) and we talked about what life together long term might be like (probably because she sensed I was willing to leave and this would keep me hanging around a bit longer). Of course, I always seemed to answer one question wrong and then she'd say, "See it's your view on xxx that makes us different and (therefore) incompatible life partners.". It was like a test and I always NEVER seemed to pass. Then in walks this guy and I figured he'd be like all the rest and all I'd have to do is wait it out and she'd recycle with me and settle. But that never happened. Quite the contrary.

In reality, she wanted was a clean slate, I think. Someone new without much knowledge of her and her infidelities and faults. She got a guy who was younger, in the same profession but less experienced and in the end, I think easier to persuade and to lord over. By that time, we'd had so much trouble, that my illustrious fantasy had faded a lot too. I figured, I just let her go and let her karma do the rest for her if she didn't recycle. And, that's what bugs me. It appears to gone the other way, as if she made all of the piece fall together for her like a nice neat and tidy package. A good friend of mine, however, years ago said to me, "... . yeah but think of all the people she's hurt to get where she is today... . ". And, I need to remember that and all of the horrible things she did to me as well. But forgetting that part is where the "fantasy" in my mind (or misdirected self talk) at times likes to take me and keep me until I undo it again.

[Mazda]

Hi B and H,

B, I've said this before on some of my other posts but I think it might be beneficial to say to you too.  I have bipolar disorder.  It is different from BPD in many ways and has less of an impact on relationships, but it still has an impact.  A guy shouldn't leave me because of my bipolar.  Why? Because I own it.  I understand I have a disability that can hurt the people I care about and I see my psychiatrist, take my medication, attend my therapy, sleep properly, exercise, don't drink and don't do drugs, not to mention anything else that I am told to do by my mental health professionals to keep my illness under control, both for myself and also for those I care about.  When I realised that my behavior was affecting my relationships (at 25 after 2 relationships), I took ownership and out of care and consideration for the next person that comes into my life, along with friends, family and generally people who interacted with me, I did my utmost to get better.  Should you leave me because I'm sick? No. A person without legs?  If they appreciate what you do and how you go out of your way to accommodate and alleviate their disability then no.  If they treat you like a dogsbody, then absolutely not.  Are you a doormat? Are you a dogsbody? No way.  You are worth an incredible amount and your care comes across. 

I fell for the sympathy card.  I believed deep down inside, he was such a good guy and if only I tried a little harder, bended a little more, stuck it out a little longer, if only I didn't react to his abuse, oh, that dream man would still be mine.  That's what he wanted me to believe.  You know why?  Because then I'm so easy to manipulate! And oh he did.  I would call him after we broke up, tell him that I think he has BPD and needs help and he would then abuse me, telling me things like the sound of your voice disgusts me and I don't care if you die, then hang up on me crying.  All the while he was already onto my replacement.  The good traits you talk about?  Guess what sweetheart, non existent.  They're fake.  That's the mirror of erised there buddy.  You have to convince yourself of that.  BPDs have no sense of self.  They don't know who they are.  What are you in love with if the object of your love is forever changing? 

I know it's a hard thing to accept, because I know how strong that perfect vision is.

I know how intoxicating it is to just dream about it being true and I know how convincing they are at making you think it is possible, and oh so close, if you just change this... .

But it's a lie. It's an intricate game and you are merely a pawn.  As bitter a pill that is to swallow, and I know it's so hard, it's better to wake up and get out and deal with the temporary pain (although it will take a while) of ONE breakup, then constantly live in pain.

In terms of not finding happiness again.  Let me tell you my experience from the other side.  It took a long time to forget that dream and for my brain to come to accept that the ugly side was who he really was and I fell in love with a lie.  I am single at the moment, but I've only really turned a corner in the past month or so.  Let me tell you: I'm HAPPY! No more tears, no more sobbing myself to sleep, no more silent treatment, no more fear of what I'm saying or the repercussions of my actions, no more being controlled, no more being verbally abused, lied to, questioning my own sanity, nobody telling me I'm fat and ugly and now people tell me I'm pretty! No more depression, sleepless nights, no more being in a relationship with someone who says hurtful things to push me away, no more circular arguments, no more hitting my head against a wall out of frustration, no more drunken abusive phone calls... . the list goes on.

Am I happy? YES!  I'm happy that I got out of this and can now move on to a healthy relationship where I don't have to deal with this rubbish.  I'm happy even being single, because now I'm no longer with him, I realise just how miserable I was all along.

In terms of karma, even if you don't believe in it (I do but just in case), please know that they don't change.  They abuse.  If you want my personal account of karma, feel free to PM me and I will be happy to share.

[Boisnix79]

Mazda, Im kinda speechless at the moment. I read your post and starred put the window for 15 minutes... . dreaming about life.

[Mazda]

I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing?

[Boisnix79]

You just made me look at reality I suppose. This isn't going away. My pain isn't going to go away either if I stay in this relationship. It is counter-intuitive to leave and so we look for answers anywhere and everywhere. But as they say , proofs in the pudding. If you invested ina  stock that was going down and they just continuously told you to hold on and keep putting money into it, itll get better. Youd really have to be quite stupid to keep giving money. Or better Naive. So in a way I suppose its Naivety that is keeping me/us holding on... .

Happy2 after all these years, still worrying and posting on here about "her". It just makes me sad. I'm always going to love this girl I think. If I stay or if I let her go.

This is a lose/lose. One lose is short term pain and long term gain. The other is short term avoidance of pain and long term pain.

I suppose at least one of the choices has the word gain in it... .

But I would like to pose a question to Happy, if you could do it allover again, knowing what you know now... . would you stay with her and try to build your life? Do you wish she never left?

Was she,"The love of your life?"

[Mazda]

B,

I know that wasn't directed at me but a couple of points to what you said:

It is not naïveté that kept you there.  Perhaps a tiny amount, but the majority was manipulation.  Tapping into your caring nature and making you feel like you are obligated to stay with her.  Who else will be there for her?  The next guy who falls for her.  And after him, the next guy.  Don't worry, they will get their fix.  The psychological term for this is "supply". 

Also, Happy, I wanted to ask you, why do you care? Why have you, after all of these years, still not let go?  What's making you have these thoughts?  I think you may need to look within to address this.

[Boisnix79]

If I'm honest MAZDA, she is a model and really really beautiful. This sounds so shallow to share but its true, like in no exaggeration I've not seen a girl in my life that I can say is better looking. AND that is one of the hardest parts because no matter how hard I try to shake it, the thought that whatever last time I make love to her, kiss her, and am with her is, thats the last time I'll be with such a beautiful creature physically... . and that mixed with the sheer amount of things we have in common, and how intelligent and caring she really is as well... . Just confuses the hell out of me... . I mean a drop dead gorgeous girl, sweet, successful, afectionate and in love with me... . Man it makes you put up with a lot... . and yet I know I'll be happier when its over... . It s twisted game of chess against myself... .


Happy hit it right on the head when he said:

"See it's your view on xxx that makes us different and (therefore) incompatible life partners."

Thats all she does when i get to close... .

Its like getting a bag of gold worth millions and everytime you want to trade it in for cash, admire it, or use it to buy something it disappears... . But at least you have the gold right? And everyone knows you have the gold which is nice... .

The stupidest thoguht of all is: "If she didnt have BPD we'd be PERFECT"...

But for some reason this one wont leave my mind... .

[Happy1]

Hi Mazda,

Oh, I'm well aware that the answer is within. This woman doesn't and hasn't had a care in the world for me in years. She's moved way beyond anything good or bad that ever happened between us. For me, it's deeper. She was my first real romantic relationship. Heck, she was the first girl I ever was intimate with. That right there did a big number on me, because I'd never had a normal relationship to compare it to. Also, back in those days, as I've posted elsewhere, BPD wasn't something that anyone even considered, talked about, let alone wrote about. This was the mid-80s. My counselor at the time came close once by saying to me, "I think this woman you've been involved with has a neurosis, a psychological condition that affects how she acts…". That was it. The rest was on me and my mind to figure out. For two years after my NC that I described here previously, I was like a hollow shell inside. I functioned well enough to work and care for myself, but I had so many unanswered questions. There were so many inconsistencies that had me terribly confused. Then as the years went by, I'd hear through the grapevine about her and her life, and jealousy would filter in. Sure, I had other relationships, but those too were with unstable women. So, I was kept sort of at the same level in terms of self esteem and thinking relationship "failures" were MY fault. Around 2002 someone mentioned BPD to me and I asked them a little more about it and was told to look it up on the Internet. It was like a godsend! I finally had a name, diagnosis criteria and later support to help me "unwind" all of this and the compounding subsequent relationships. I read and devoured information, have become an "expert" of sorts about BPD, been able to spot it and other disordered people much more easily and clearly, and have worked through tons of stuff in my head, etc. But as I said before, from time-to-time, my head slips back to the addiction of what "she" got me hooked on. You know how they say, BPDs reflect back to you your true self and that you actually fall in love with yourself, not really them? Well, that's where I most likely get stuck. God, when it was good, it felt great and my self esteem and self love has never been there since. I've manage greatly. I've achieved a ton since being so low and built a great life for myself. But again, it's my brain taking me to that place with a certain level of lingering doubt. It comes and goes. About every 2-3 yrs. I get to asking myself the, "What if" question. I reconcile it and put it away each time, until it arises again. Most likely it's PTSD that I'll likely live with the rest of my life. I'm okay with that and can accept it and me for going through it. It's manageable because of places like this and people kind enough like you that help out. I never had that years ago and for many years. One day I'll be better and as I get older and more miles on me, it's faded considerably, but not left entirely.

[Happy1]

Boisnix79

I can remember years ago, my first counseling session, my counselor asked me, "How can I help you?" I responded by saying, "I want to work on learning how to stop doing things that hurt myself." As Mazda has pointed out, I'm probably still working on this very simple concept, but difficult habit to quit, as I continue to do this to myself with this relationship to some extent to this today.

One of the things that counseling helped with, was giving me tools and training in simply recognizing patterns that were unhealthy and breaking them. Now, it's almost like a game for me as I've become a master of change. In fact, I probably enjoy change now, too much as it too can be sort of a high you can become addicted to as well. Just like BPDs like starting new relationships, I like starting new changes.

However, there is something more important I want to share. One thing I've also recognized within myself is, this love for this particular pain. The rationale goes something like this: If I give up this pain that is associated with this BPD (actually self love reflected back to myself), then I lose that which is familiar to me hold onto. Even though it's painful, it's something I can count on and have learned coping strategies to deal with in every day life. In other words, I can manage it to a certain degree. If I let it go, what's on the other side is far scarier and uncertain for me. So, holding onto this one familiar yet painful item. This pain. And producing change in many other areas of my life, which in turn helps to justify for me the notion that I can again hold onto one comfortable constant, I'm not entirely willing to let go of (the pain). That's both my sticking point and excuse. I might have given her up long ago, but not the pain, which is still associated with the relationship and my sense of self love from that time. Does that make sense? I've changed and continue to change the other aspects which are less familiar, perceived as vital, and yet painful in my life, at will, with the hope that it will provide a great foundation for when I "decide" to let IT, my fantasy of her and this old relationship go, and accept myself. I might never get there, but I'm determined to keep working to change that thing I find hardest of all to get through. As long as I know I'm progressing and not stuck, I'm okay. Thanks to this site, I'm sure that won't happen. I'll never give up trying to eliminate this pain and to move forward. As long as I'm doing that and not kidding myself, I can accept that my revelation and process and love myself, which is what healing is about. Right?

I'm not holding judgment upon myself. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm willing to accept and to understand that it's not the shortest most efficient and painless path, but it's how I'm choosing to make my journey and to have it make sense for myself. Recovery is very much an individual process and internal PROCESS.

[Boisnix79]

Happy,

I have to say something. i'm going through this being able to read all these posts, "devour" all this information, and really get to understand the WHYs.

I cannot imagine what it was like for you... . I mean to really go through this with no support like that from anyone that knew what was going on... . Its understandable that it left a deep scar, hell I have a deep scar from mine and I can get support all day on here... . and a therapist or even friends are more aware of mental disorders... . You really went through a HELL of sorts, with sprinkled in visits from angels... . and truth is you are strong for being so open about it... . This PTSD is rocking me right now... . so reading all of everyones posts helps a lot... . yours included... . Thank you for that.

Furthermore, I do get your point about holding onto the pain... . In a way its a way to avoid the harder challenges in life like actually building a healthy relationship... . which probably scares me, to have a girl that isn't damaged means shell probably see my damage rather easily... . And the pain becomes like a safety blanket I can wrap myself in and hide... . kind of scary to think that the thing I'm complaining about might be the thing I'm more used to than happiness... . pain... . I grew up in pain and now I'm in pain again... . You really make a good point. Fear of the unknown.

Thanks for sharing, truly helped me see it in a deeper light... .

[Happy1]

Boisnix79

Thank you too for sharing your story and allowing me to share mine with you. It feels good.

It sounds like you've opened a door maybe just a crack, in your life. Or, maybe you've known it all along, but needed a forum like this to help push that other side of your brain, the one that's been holding you back, just a little harder.

Also, I think it's best to see this as a "process" rather than something that you think you'll just begin to tackle and conquer. Many things I didn't even know at my outset have cropped up as I've moved along in "my recovery". Many of those too need processing before you can go and begin to slay "the big dragon". My advice is, take on the low hanging fruit first. Things you can do today, like learning about and then setting boundaries. If a big life change like divorce or separation could or will possibly come into play, work to at least get a plan and perspective on how you might make that happen. At some point, once you've removed yourself from your stressor (BPD) you'll then begin to have time to start unwinding things and working on you exclusively. That's where counseling, friends, family and boards like this will be very meaningful to you. This is also why you see so much emphasis on NC, it gives you time to break your own cycle of self abuse and to become aware of it and so you can begin your own journey of self recovery.

[Happy1]

Now, a little more about the "bad old days".

I know a couple of the guys this woman ran through before me. I knew them mostly from my hometown before she "touched" their lives. Several of them are still mentally wrecked. They have no clue what they went through and have tried to squelch their pain and move on in differing ways. One's been married and divorced. He went out initially and found an even prettier woman to get involved with, in my belief to replace his past relationship with this uBPD woman somehow. Another guy is and has been single mostly since leaving her. He's like me, concentrates on things he can control and had one of his writings turned into a script for a Hollywood movie made a few years ago. When I see or even chat with him, I can tell he's still been "touched" by this relationship. And, the last one is an old roommate of mine, who was actually the person who eventually led this woman to "find" me. He's doing fine and is a very emotionally "strong" person with a pretty good family support system. The rest of us, not so much. He's doing great, but at the times we talk about her, he'll refer to his amazement about "the spell" she cast upon so many of us years ago. He has no real knowledge of BPD or anything. He just views it as her "magical" ability to swoon people, guys in particular. So, she left quite a wake in many lives.

I have a really good friend from high school who over the years has become an opiate addict, but yet has a counseling degree too. We talk openly for hours with one another about our issues. His is his drug and mine is this r/s (err "drug". For him, he can tell you everything about any opiate family drug, how it interacts in the body, it's chemical make up, and about all of the effective and various recovery techniques. But yet he still uses and has relapsed many times. The drugs he knows will eventually kill him, but as he describes it, "I have this itch in my brain that happens and it needs to be scratched. Opiates are the only thing that work to quell that. Even when I'm straight for years, I can feel it or hear that voice wanting me to scratch that one spot in my brain." I know he had a pretty well appearing family upbringing but like my family, it was riddled with all kinds of issues and various dynamics that damaged him to some extent and he didn't receive proper tools in how to deal with his internal issues (self esteem and others) so, drugs, any drug at first, now highly addictive opiates is where he's ended up satiating and quelling his pain.

For me, I see this r/s, not so much the physical woman, but the r/s I "experienced" in my mind as being much the same kind of damage for me. Again, the r/s and it's subsequent pain that resides deep inside, is part of who I am. I help and talk to tons of people about their pain, but my own pain, at least a deep part of it, is so familiar and a part of me, that I almost "love" it so much I hate to let it go. Even though, like my friend the addict, I know it's withheld me from true happiness (my insatiable pain and what I use to quell it, won't kill me, however). I guess, one other way to view this is, I'm like the recovering alcoholic, I was once an alcoholic, but I got away from my drug, made tons of changes in my life without the drug and because of the past addictive behaviors, but I'm still an alcoholic deep inside.

As for this woman, I now recognize that she was horribly horribly abused as a child. I have no evidence or direct knowledge of what really happened to her, but I have pieced together enough of the subtle clues and hints she floated to me, or have gained knowledge about the behaviors I saw and witnessed, even revisited her movements around her family and those dynamics enough to recognize something bad happened there. Like a Phillip Marlow detective story, I have all but the concrete evidence (smoking gun) in front of me. So, in a way, besides my occasional doubt and jealousy, I'm happy for her. In an oblique sort of way. I don't approve of the pain and suffering she causes others, but I understand why she does it. Why she moved so far away and created her "own" picturesque fantasy life. Why she "needs" so much to have her world and control of it, just so.

In my head, when I think about myself and my life, I see two halves one before this r/s and on after. The before was naive with few tools for handling such things and the after is one with many tools, still working to resolve the deep scar.