Had the epiphany- my BPDex was never who I thought she was

[Octoberfest]

Just doing some thinking, and stumbled upon this today... . I am 10 months out of the r/s, almost 8 of NC.  Mostly doing OK now, not pining after the ex or anything, just sorting out who I want to be and how to get there (which I think is pretty normal for 21 anyways).

To the point: i realized today that my BPDex was never who I thought she was... . and it is maybe even appropriate to say that she was never who I WANTED her to be. 

A few months after the split I was at a party talking to a girl and found out she was from the same town as my BPDex.  I asked if she knew her and she said "Oh I dated her cousin... . he was crazy.  That whole family is crazy... . and you might want to get tested, word was in high school she had a ton of STD's."  It kind of hurt at the time to hear that (even though it was true), and I remembered this instance today.  It occurred to me, "what kind of girl was she in highschool?" I am not that far out of highschool myself (3 years), and I remember the connotations and judgements I passed on people, and that others passed on people, because of things they did.  Hell, I KNEW girls like my BPDex in my high school... . I never wanted to date THEM, so why would I want to be with my BPDex?

The answer came pretty clearly... . I don't.  To those still well and stuck, as time passes, the FOG disperses more and more.  More and more I see my BPDex for what she really is, not who I wish she was.  I used to tell people "She is a great girl, she just struggles because she has this disorder and that is what causes her to do the things she does".  I am realizing that that explanation doesn't grasp the realities of the situation... . She was diagnosed as having BPD because of the things she does (lying, cheating, sleeping around, self harming, splitting, drug use, etc)... . it is a way to describe her behavior.  It IS NOT a matter of someone pointing a magic wand at a normal girl and saying "BOOM! now you are going to do these things".  There was no "before" the disorder... . it is simply who she is as a person, and I'll tell you what that is not a person I want to be with, or have in my life at all. 

I like many others have struggled with worrying about what my BPDex is doing after the breakup.  Whether or not she is "better" for the new guy or not.  It isn't worried about as much, but I think it is equally, if not more important to look at who our BPDex's were BEFORE we met them.  It helps to establish a story, with a before, during, and after... . and it helps you to see that it is a linear story, one that does not change.  My BPDex was doing the same things to other guys before me, and she has continued to do the same crap to those after me.  For me, who fell hard into the rescuer role, that is a huge relief.  The whole concept of having to "save her", or that she even needs saving, is null and void.  Saying she needed saving implies that she was "normal" (or what have you) at one point, and became afflicted or otherwise fell from grace, and needs help getting back up.    Truth is, where she is IS the normal for her.  This might be kind of an abstract idea, and hard to convey in words, but man it feels good when it clicks. 

Where to from here?  I think I'll find a girl that I like because she fits my model of morality and personality... . instead of finding a girl who will sleep with me, and then face headache and heartache when she isn't who I want my SO to be as a person.

In closing, a song that really speaks to this whole journey that I, and so many of you have been on.  Make sure you read it carefully so you grasp what is being said.

"I Found Someone" by Blake Shelton

I picked up the phone

She said hey it's me

I know it feels like forever since I've heard your voice

But I guess that's how it had to be

So we talked awhile

'Til she said I better go

But before we hung up she said

There's something you need to know

I found someone

It just happened outta the blue

Even though I'm moving on

It don't mean that I don't still love you

You'll always have

A place here in my heart

But somewhere in this new life I've begun

I found someone

Well I wasn't surprised

Still it hit me kinda hard

It's hard to believe a little space and time

Could turn into miles and worlds apart

I said I'm happy for you

You deserve the very best

Since you've been gone I've done some praying

Some searching for myself


And I found someone

It just happened outta the blue

And even though I'm moving on

It don't mean that I don't still love you

You'll always have

A place here in my heart

But somewhere in this new life I've begun

I found someone


But it took tears and time down on my knees

And it's not who you'd ever guess

Or who I dreamed it'd be

But in the mirror one morning looking back at me

I found someone

Just happened outta the blue

It took everything I had

It took me losing you

But you'll always have

A place here in my heart

But somewhere in this new life I've begun

Looking for my place under the sun

I found someone

[Turkish]

I like many others have struggled with worrying about what my BPDex is doing after the breakup.  Whether or not she is "better" for the new guy or not.  It isn't worried about as much, but I think it is equally, if not more important to look at who our BPDex's were BEFORE we met them.  It helps to establish a story, with a before, during, and after... . and it helps you to see that it is a linear story, one that does not change.  My BPDex was doing the same things to other guys before me, and she has continued to do the same crap to those after me.

Good stuff as always Octoberfest. Yes, mine has cycled back to the type of guy and the same behaviors and pattern she exhibited before me. She tried with me, that is for sure, and she still is half time when we try to raise the kids as co-parents, but I remember that she is underneath the same person she always ways. She tried to be different. More like me, and like her family and immigrant culture expects her to be, but she is not.

[seeking balance]

To the point: i realized today that my BPDex was never who I thought she was... . and it is maybe even appropriate to say that she was never who I WANTED her to be. 

If you can learn at 21 the lesson of letting people truly show you who they are and not who you want them to be - wow - I envy you.  Owning your part and changing - truly good stuff!

This is probably more of a Personal Inventory or Building a New Life thread that you could really dig into "how" you plan to implement letting people show you who they are.   

[Tausk]

Crap.  I wish I had learned the lessons thirty years ago   

But better later than never 

Good for you.  Watch the FOO issues. And be careful about moving in the direction of another Disordered interaction.  But it sounds like you have awareness.

[Octoberfest]

To the point: i realized today that my BPDex was never who I thought she was... . and it is maybe even appropriate to say that she was never who I WANTED her to be. 

If you can learn at 21 the lesson of letting people truly show you who they are and not who you want them to be - wow - I envy you.  Owning your part and changing - truly good stuff!

This is probably more of a Personal Inventory or Building a New Life thread that you could really dig into "how" you plan to implement letting people show you who they are.   

I posted this here because I have found that there are many different components to the depression/what is dragging me down, all stemming from my experience with my BPDex.  First it was dealing with the hurt, the insult, the betrayal, etc., and that has come and gone and came again in waves.  Then there were feelings of failure, of inadequacy, things along that vein.  Now I am experiencing some incredulity/shame that I fell for my BPDex and stuck around for as long, and through as much as I did.  Many different feelings, all negative, and all related to the detaching process.  I don't know that for me "planning my new life" is something to be done in a thread on the internet... . At 21 and still in school, I don't even really feel as though I have started my "real" life! I have continued to stick around the L3: Leaving board, even though it has been 10 months, because these are the people that I identify with, whose struggles I share, and who I feel I can give the most back to.  Lord knows this place has been a beacon of light in an otherwise pitch black nightmare

[Turkish]

To the point: i realized today that my BPDex was never who I thought she was... . and it is maybe even appropriate to say that she was never who I WANTED her to be. 

If you can learn at 21 the lesson of letting people truly show you who they are and not who you want them to be - wow - I envy you.  Owning your part and changing - truly good stuff!

This is probably more of a Personal Inventory or Building a New Life thread that you could really dig into "how" you plan to implement letting people show you who they are.   

I posted this here because I have found that there are many different components to the depression/what is dragging me down, all stemming from my experience with my BPDex.  First it was dealing with the hurt, the insult, the betrayal, etc., and that has come and gone and came again in waves.  Then there were feelings of failure, of inadequacy, things along that vein.  Now I am experiencing some incredulity/shame that I fell for my BPDex and stuck around for as long, and through as much as I did.  Many different feelings, all negative, and all related to the detaching process.  I don't know that for me "planning my new life" is something to be done in a thread on the internet... . At 21 and still in school, I don't even really feel as though I have started my "real" life! I have continued to stick around the L3: Leaving board, even though it has been 10 months, because these are the people that I identify with, whose struggles I share, and who I feel I can give the most back to.  Lord knows this place has been a beacon of light in an otherwise pitch black nightmare

Octoberfest, though life certainly does have stages and we may experience something like growth spurts at times, it all blends into a linear narrative when you look back. If we're not disordered, that is... . it goes by so darn quickly... . to be utterly cliché, and to rip off Dead Poet's Society, seize the day. The hard part is sometimes letting that day go and turning in to prepare for the next... .

[arn131arn]

Just doing some thinking, and stumbled upon this today... . I am 10 months out of the r/s, almost 8 of NC.  Mostly doing OK now, not pining after the ex or anything, just sorting out who I want to be and how to get there (which I think is pretty normal for 21 anyways).

To the point: i realized today that my BPDex was never who I thought she was... . and it is maybe even appropriate to say that she was never who I WANTED her to be.  

A few months after the split I was at a party talking to a girl and found out she was from the same town as my BPDex.  I asked if she knew her and she said "Oh I dated her cousin... . he was crazy.  That whole family is crazy... . and you might want to get tested, word was in high school she had a ton of STD's."  It kind of hurt at the time to hear that (even though it was true), and I remembered this instance today.  It occurred to me, "what kind of girl was she in highschool?" I am not that far out of highschool myself (3 years), and I remember the connotations and judgements I passed on people, and that others passed on people, because of things they did.  Hell, I KNEW girls like my BPDex in my high school... . I never wanted to date THEM, so why would I want to be with my BPDex?

The answer came pretty clearly... . I don't.  To those still well and stuck, as time passes, the FOG disperses more and more.  More and more I see my BPDex for what she really is, not who I wish she was.  I used to tell people "She is a great girl, she just struggles because she has this disorder and that is what causes her to do the things she does".  I am realizing that that explanation doesn't grasp the realities of the situation... . She was diagnosed as having BPD because of the things she does (lying, cheating, sleeping around, self harming, splitting, drug use, etc)... . it is a way to describe her behavior.  It IS NOT a matter of someone pointing a magic wand at a normal girl and saying "BOOM! now you are going to do these things".  There was no "before" the disorder... . it is simply who she is as a person, and I'll tell you what that is not a person I want to be with, or have in my life at all.  

I like many others have struggled with worrying about what my BPDex is doing after the breakup.  Whether or not she is "better" for the new guy or not.  It isn't worried about as much, but I think it is equally, if not more important to look at who our BPDex's were BEFORE we met them.  It helps to establish a story, with a before, during, and after... . and it helps you to see that it is a linear story, one that does not change.  My BPDex was doing the same things to other guys before me, and she has continued to do the same crap to those after me.  For me, who fell hard into the rescuer role, that is a huge relief.  The whole concept of having to "save her", or that she even needs saving, is null and void.  Saying she needed saving implies that she was "normal" (or what have you) at one point, and became afflicted or otherwise fell from grace, and needs help getting back up.    Truth is, where she is IS the normal for her.  This might be kind of an abstract idea, and hard to convey in words, but man it feels good when it clicks.  

Where to from here?  I think I'll find a girl that I like because she fits my model of morality and personality... . instead of finding a girl who will sleep with me, and then face headache and heartache when she isn't who I want my SO to be as a person.

In closing, a song that really speaks to this whole journey that I, and so many of you have been on.  Make sure you read it carefully so you grasp what is being said.

"I Found Someone" by Blake Shelton

I picked up the phone

She said hey it's me

I know it feels like forever since I've heard your voice

But I guess that's how it had to be

So we talked awhile

'Til she said I better go

But before we hung up she said

There's something you need to know

I found someone

It just happened outta the blue

Even though I'm moving on

It don't mean that I don't still love you

You'll always have

A place here in my heart

But somewhere in this new life I've begun

I found someone

Well I wasn't surprised

Still it hit me kinda hard

It's hard to believe a little space and time

Could turn into miles and worlds apart

I said I'm happy for you

You deserve the very best

Since you've been gone I've done some praying

Some searching for myself


And I found someone

It just happened outta the blue

And even though I'm moving on

It don't mean that I don't still love you

You'll always have

A place here in my heart

But somewhere in this new life I've begun

I found someone


But it took tears and time down on my knees

And it's not who you'd ever guess

Or who I dreamed it'd be

But in the mirror one morning looking back at me

I found someone

Just happened outta the blue

It took everything I had

It took me losing you

But you'll always have

A place here in my heart

But somewhere in this new life I've begun

Looking for my place under the sun

I found someone

Dude, seriously? 21? I'm so jealous of you right now. You have found meaning through all of this pain, found out what you want and what is healthy at the age of 21! I couldn't be more proud of you, O!

21? I was still wearing Velcro shoes because I was too stupid and couldn't tie the laces at 21!

Bro, you got the world by the balls! You can do anything and be anything because you have more than most at this point in your life- meaning!

21?

[seeking balance]

I posted this here because I have found that there are many different components to the depression/what is dragging me down, all stemming from my experience with my BPDex.  First it was dealing with the hurt, the insult, the betrayal, etc., and that has come and gone and came again in waves.  Then there were feelings of failure, of inadequacy, things along that vein.  Now I am experiencing some incredulity/shame that I fell for my BPDex and stuck around for as long, and through as much as I did.  Many different feelings, all negative, and all related to the detaching process.  I don't know that for me "planning my new life" is something to be done in a thread on the internet... . At 21 and still in school, I don't even really feel as though I have started my "real" life! I have continued to stick around the L3: Leaving board, even though it has been 10 months, because these are the people that I identify with, whose struggles I share, and who I feel I can give the most back to.  Lord knows this place has been a beacon of light in an otherwise pitch black nightmare

Hey there - let me clarify what I was saying regarding posting on the other boards - the 2nd part of this "aha" is when it would go there.

you could really dig into "how" you plan to implement letting people show you who they are.   

This part was what I meant to go there.

You were right on track with the detachment post here - sorry for the misunderstanding - my bad, oops.

Cheers,

SB

[Glef]

I posted this here because I have found that there are many different components to the depression/what is dragging me down, all stemming from my experience with my BPDex.  First it was dealing with the hurt, the insult, the betrayal, etc., and that has come and gone and came again in waves.  Then there were feelings of failure, of inadequacy, things along that vein.  Now I am experiencing some incredulity/shame that I fell for my BPDex and stuck around for as long, and through as much as I did.  Many different feelings, all negative, and all related to the detaching process.  I don't know that for me "planning my new life" is something to be done in a thread on the internet... . At 21 and still in school, I don't even really feel as though I have started my "real" life! I have continued to stick around the L3: Leaving board, even though it has been 10 months, because these are the people that I identify with, whose struggles I share, and who I feel I can give the most back to.  Lord knows this place has been a beacon of light in an otherwise pitch black nightmare

Hey Octoberfest,

I can completely identify with you. Mine ended this January a few days before I turned 23, When I met her, she was 18 going on 19 - which itself can be a red flag honestly.

I've been going through those same feelings. The hurt - then inadequacy - then shame or guilt. It's hard and some days are better then others. I had to move back home around when I met her, my career aspirations are tough,and im trying to sort a life out. But she was this beautiful thing I had in my life, and with her the rest wasnt so bad. When it blew up - between all of this happening at once, I have never felt lower about myself.

You're original post speaks volumes about this scenario. I too came to see that everything I loved about her was never really true - it wasnt there. So logically, we see that we never wanted anyone like what we've come to see her as, and it shouldnt bother us. But emotionally we miss them. I always have that doubt of, is she closer to what I wanted or is she truly that other person. Knowing she has begun clubbing and descending farther down her hole of bad men, drug use and alcoholism - actually makes me sad and worried, when before I'd see people like that and think - meh, not my problem or anyone I want to associate with. Problem is, I fell for one.

I can imagine how hard this is, and our age I think adds a certain extra layer of pain. But I think you and I are lucky to a certain degree to have learned about this now. There are people on this site who married someone with BPD and have kids - and I feel for them strongly. It is much easier at the end of the day for you and I to move on, even though it is emotionally crippling. 

I think we did fall for someone who never even existed. Then we were abused. But we have the capacity to love, and someone out there will truly appreciate what we have.

[buddy1226]

Well said Octoberfest. You are going places my friend. I too wish I had what you have realized at 21. Congrats.

[Octoberfest]

I posted this here because I have found that there are many different components to the depression/what is dragging me down, all stemming from my experience with my BPDex.  First it was dealing with the hurt, the insult, the betrayal, etc., and that has come and gone and came again in waves.  Then there were feelings of failure, of inadequacy, things along that vein.  Now I am experiencing some incredulity/shame that I fell for my BPDex and stuck around for as long, and through as much as I did.  Many different feelings, all negative, and all related to the detaching process.  I don't know that for me "planning my new life" is something to be done in a thread on the internet... . At 21 and still in school, I don't even really feel as though I have started my "real" life! I have continued to stick around the L3: Leaving board, even though it has been 10 months, because these are the people that I identify with, whose struggles I share, and who I feel I can give the most back to.  Lord knows this place has been a beacon of light in an otherwise pitch black nightmare

Hey Octoberfest,

I can completely identify with you. Mine ended this January a few days before I turned 23, When I met her, she was 18 going on 19 - which itself can be a red flag honestly.

I've been going through those same feelings. The hurt - then inadequacy - then shame or guilt. It's hard and some days are better then others. I had to move back home around when I met her, my career aspirations are tough,and im trying to sort a life out. But she was this beautiful thing I had in my life, and with her the rest wasnt so bad. When it blew up - between all of this happening at once, I have never felt lower about myself.

You're original post speaks volumes about this scenario. I too came to see that everything I loved about her was never really true - it wasnt there. So logically, we see that we never wanted anyone like what we've come to see her as, and it shouldnt bother us. But emotionally we miss them. I always have that doubt of, is she closer to what I wanted or is she truly that other person. Knowing she has begun clubbing and descending farther down her hole of bad men, drug use and alcoholism - actually makes me sad and worried, when before I'd see people like that and think - meh, not my problem or anyone I want to associate with. Problem is, I fell for one.

I can imagine how hard this is, and our age I think adds a certain extra layer of pain. But I think you and I are lucky to a certain degree to have learned about this now. There are people on this site who married someone with BPD and have kids - and I feel for them strongly. It is much easier at the end of the day for you and I to move on, even though it is emotionally crippling. 

I think we did fall for someone who never even existed. Then we were abused. But we have the capacity to love, and someone out there will truly appreciate what we have.

Hey Glef,

You are right; you and I ARE lucky. Through all of this I have felt plenty sorry for myself... . lots of thoughts of, "Yeah, everyone has bad relationships, but mine was REALLY bad... . ".  I think part of growing up and being an adult is accepting that there is nothing we can do to change the past... . all that one can do is accept it, and if they are really ambitious, learn from it.  I was driving back to school today from spring break and had lots of time on my hands, and I came to realize that I am a stronger man for having experienced this.  It was hell, I hurt in ways I didn't know possible, and I saw depths of emotional despair I didn't know existed... . but because of it, I am stronger.  I have both experienced, and thus seen that I can endure, that kind of pain, and I have also learned how to better avoid similar people in the future.  As you also mentioned, we are also lucky that we came out of our relationships with our pwBPD relatively free.  There are lots, and lots of members here who have children, or property, or other legal obligations tying them to their BPDex's, and I am in awe of the emotional fortitude they must have in order to simply survive in their worlds.  While I have deep respect for their commitment to their children and other obligations, I will say that I feel blessed I do not have to live with the same challenges that they do. 

It is sad to know that our BPDex's are off engaging in self-destructive behavior... . but I think knowing that, and acknowledging it, is part of seeing that they are not the people that we thought, or wanted, them to be.  It simply is who they are, and yes, we had the misfortune (or, depending on your perspective, the fortune) of falling for them.

Well said Octoberfest. You are going places my friend. I too wish I had what you have realized at 21. Congrats.

Dude, seriously? 21? I'm so jealous of you right now. You have found meaning through all of this pain, found out what you want and what is healthy at the age of 21! I couldn't be more proud of you, O!

21? I was still wearing Velcro shoes because I was too stupid and couldn't tie the laces at 21!

Bro, you got the world by the balls! You can do anything and be anything because you have more than most at this point in your life- meaning!

21?

I appreciate it guys.  I suppose I should be grateful for what I have here