This Morning's Email, I received , Co-Parenting , 50/50

[nona]

I want to be very clear - I want you to understand.

The next time I hear about you telling malicious lies about me, to DD or to anyone else, I will stop holding back. I will begin telling DD the painful truths about you that I have not shared with her. She is trying very hard to hang onto whatever thin shreds of respect and love she still has for you. I've been trying to make that possible for her, by holding back many truths about you. I think, if I were to start sharing those truths with her, she would find it very difficult to keep even those last shreds intact.



DD has been with him for a week, She comes back to me today.

We have been separated almost 3 years.

Divorce final 6 months.

[momtara]

Eek, sorry to hear it.  Sounds like he is threatening alienation, which would work against him in court if it becomes a pattern.  So hold on to the email.  Does he tend to make good on threats?

[nona]

he has and does ruthlessly alienate.

thanks for pointing out this.

too bad there is noone anywhere who will look at it, touch it, give me support on it, that I have experienced.

Almost want to take it to her family doc... . (but he is a charming doc colleague)

somebody to witness and not just cover up.

I keep wanting outside validation, support.

it is soo hard to get except here.

and how important IS the validation in reality.

since lawyers, judges and counselors look away, even cover it up.

I hope/wish these are just dysregulation thoughts

wanna see dd's face and see how she is doing.

how to best support her.? maybe he is just spewing rage... . I cannot predict the mentally ill

thx

[david]

Sounds like projection.

I view it as my ex telling me what she is doing to our kids. Then I have to find ways to help the kids get through it. My ex left in 2007. Back then I really had a difficult time helping the boys. As they grew older (15 and 10 today) I have found that being consistent, a good listener, and helping them find solutions without telling them what to do (parenting by myself and never hoping ex will ever help) theboys and I have become mush closer.

My interpretation : "The next time I hear you telling malicious lies about me" means I am trashing you with lies when DD is with me "I will stop holding back" means I had a momentary lucid moment and realize I am a piece of s*** for doing what I am doing. I feel bad about it so I will project things on you to feel better. I am worried though that you may start telling DD the truth and that scares me. "She is trying very hard to hang onto whatever thin shreds of respect and love she still has for you" means I think DD is figuring me out and I am scared that she will tell me how horrible I am. If I continue trashing you DD will figure it out and I will lose another person in my life. I don't know how to stop because this is what I know and do.

[david]

Also, since the divorce is coming up I am afraid.

[Mutt]

Sounds like projection.

I came here to say this. I got shared custody last month. But my uBPDex projects often in her e-mails. I also agree with david that it shows me what she's thinking / feeling and what's going on with the kids. I interpret things in reverse and put her in the context what she's saying and put myself out of it, because it really has nothing to do with me.

Speaking of my ex, I also believe she also projects her negative feelings on a scapegoat, myself with the shame / guilt she is having with her paramour. It's none of my business what goes on with them, but don't come to me to be a lightning rod for your feelings or a source for soothing.

That's what I've noticed with mine and I don't know the details of your situation, but that's projection.

Don't take the bait, simply say "this has nothing to do with me" so they don't get off the hook.