Her stuff still here triggers me

[Turkish]

I was getting the kids ready for bed and I noticed she left her clothes hamper here... . full of dirty clothes. She took about 75% of hers from the closet, but some still hang. She had months to prepare for this, weeks since she's known she got a place. She knows I was desperate to get her out, but I've been largely kind and patient. Our arguments/discussions have been week by "fight" standards, and count as about 1/month. The last one triggered by the stress of the last burgary and her idiot. I can understand her leaving the common things to start her new life, but its almost like she was so desperate to be with her boy toy that she took just enough stuff. When she stopped by yesterday, I saw she hadn't even unloaded a lot of stuff from the back of her car. I could cycle through a few scenarios on the why and what, any of which could be right, since I know her so well, but it really isn't helping. She said she'd get more stuff when she comes by Sat morning to get the kids (she's only had them for 7/8ths of this past week!), but I want it all gone so I can start clearing and rearranging. I find it disrespectful and rude, though I know it isn't personal. If she gets the kids, she won't have much room for stuff. Why, even now, did I get left with the adult responsibilities? That's a rhetorical question, I know why. Child.

Painting this weekend will help me, which is why I gave up the kids Sunday. Any ideas? Even funny and over the top ones would help. Maybe a joint photo burning  this weekend would help, I don't know. Seems so immature, but maybe it would help.

[Tausk]

Hey Turk:

I can't imagine.  I still find items of my ex and it triggers me.  Having kids together make it so much harder.  But in reading your posts I can tell how much you care about the kids.  One technique that has helped me is to insure that my life's activities have meaning.  So I focused on helping some friends who were in need, and with some organizations.  This gave me a focal point of meaning to replace the focal point of destruction that was my ex.

I'm already way to much of human doer than a human being.  But at least if I'm doing, then I will try and be doing something meaningful.  And you taking care of your children, I can't imagine anything more meaningful.

So perhaps use the children as a focal point of meaning for you and as a part of the radical acceptance of the disorder, but why life is still worth living.  

I hope you find peace

T

[Perfidy]

With her stuff surrounding me it was like living with a corpse. Not much different from when she was there. Now that my place burned down with all her stuff in it, I'm living with a ghost. It's getting easier every day. Almost a year.

[Turkish]

Hey Turk:

I can't imagine.  I still find items of my ex and it triggers me.  Having kids together make it so much harder.  But in reading your posts I can tell how much you care about the kids.  One technique that has helped me is to insure that my life's activities have meaning.  So I focused on helping some friends who were in need, and with some organizations.  This gave me a focal point of meaning to replace the focal point of destruction that was my ex.

I'm already way to much of human doer than a human being.  But at least if I'm doing, then I will try and be doing something meaningful.  And you taking care of your children, I can't imagine anything more meaningful.

So perhaps use the children as a focal point of meaning for you and as a part of the radical acceptance of the disorder, but why life is still worth living.  

I hope you find peace

T

Thanks, tausk. I haven't been suicidal... . but I confess in the past year, before all this exponentially decayed, to fantising just walking off  without many clothes into the frigid night, no phone, no wallet, just to see how far I got... . kind of like the elderly eskimos going out n ice flows. She and the kids would be set for 20 years of a comfortable life if she played it right financially with my insurance and assets.

Not good.

Maybe I should have shared my feelings with her (I was supposedly the bad communicator), but that is now moot. I don't have any active feelings like that anymore...

The volunteer thing id interesting... . but that is how I met her, we were both mentors for at risk youth... it was in the back of my mind a secondary idea to find a wife, a life partner: someone with similar values. Little did I know it attracts Fixers and Caretakers like us (she does have these traits), but also possible PDs. I spotted a few. The nature of the program revealed core wounds of both the mentors and youth in a safe setting. My Ex somehow managed to skip the one core exercise that helped us confront ourselves. I had the feeling she did that on purpose... .

So now I am at a loss of where to meet women, but I guess that should be the farthest thing from my mind now. Focus on our little angel monsters, and focus on myself.

[Lady31]

Turk - I would say it has NOTHING to do with being so excited to be with her boy toy and everything to do with she is just LAZY AS HELL.  Secondly - the longer she has stuff there - the longer she knows you will let her have the key.  And she still wants to control you.  And she is because you are letting her.

Side note - I wouldn't worry about getting the key back - I would DEFINITELY change the locks.

Boundary setting time.  If you don't start standing up to this woman this will be your life forever - and you can't blame her.  You are in total control of her life and it only happens because you allow it.

Example to try would be:  I will be changing the locks on XXX.  You have had months to get your things together and it's reasonable for me to now move forward on my on schedule with things.  If your things aren't out by then I will box them up and they will be sitting outside for you to pick up.  If you can't pick them up within a reasonable time frame (you could go ahead and tell her what a reasonable time frame to you is) then I will be placing it in the trash.

And then... . stick to it. 

[mgl210]

I feel your pain Turk, my ex has left a lot of her stuff here too. I have pictures of me and her, I've got clothes of hers. At least now I know why I'm having such a hard time sleeping. I miss her terribly, I have a feeling she will be coming back though. I feel as if that's her pattern to walk away from me and then come back. My mom asked me if I needed to buy her anything for valentines and I just wanted to cry. With the exception of this board, I honestly have no one to talk to about my feelings. Even when she and I were together I had no one either. It's a lose lose situation of being with her and feeling stressed a good majority of the time or be without and feel utterly hopeless, worthless and totally lost. I wish my pain would go away, I wish she and I could work things out and have a happy ending.

Mgl210

[Turkish]

Turk - I would say it has NOTHING to do with being so excited to be with her boy toy and everything to do with she is just LAZY AS HELL.  Secondly - the longer she has stuff there - the longer she knows you will let her have the key.  And she still wants to control you.  And she is because you are letting her.

Side note - I wouldn't worry about getting the key back - I would DEFINITELY change the locks.

Boundary setting time.  If you don't start standing up to this woman this will be your life forever - and you can't blame her.  You are in total control of her life and it only happens because you allow it.

Example to try would be:  I will be changing the locks on XXX.  You have had months to get your things together and it's reasonable for me to now move forward on my on schedule with things.  If your things aren't out by then I will box them up and they will be sitting outside for you to pick up.  If you can't pick them up within a reasonable time frame (you could go ahead and tell her what a reasonable time frame to you is) then I will be placing it in the trash.

And then... . stick to it.  

I am definitely getting the keys back on Sat, or no last 1k severence check. I'll tell her 1week to get her stuff out or it gets donated. I have an alarm on the house, so once I get the the alarm fob back, no needing of locks changed.

[Dog biscuit]

Any ideas? Even funny and over the top ones would help. Maybe a joint photo burning  this weekend would help, I don't know. Seems so immature, but maybe it would help.

Can you put the things that she left and that are bothering you in sacs for her to take? You are in control now, and if you dont want her stuff lying around, pick them up and put them away for her to take.

How do you want to re-paint the house? What colours/patterns do you like?

Joint photoburning/ item burning! Yeah, I'm in!

[Dog biscuit]

I feel your pain Turk, my ex has left a lot of her stuff here too. I have pictures of me and her, I've got clothes of hers. At least now I know why I'm having such a hard time sleeping. I miss her terribly, I have a feeling she will be coming back though.

Off course you will have a feeling that she will be coming back, maybe that is why she left so much personal items at your place? Her stuff being there will keep the door open, because she can re-claim them, pick them up any time she wants to.( or wants to mess with your emotions)

Better get rid of them or store them away.

[Turkish]

I feel your pain Turk, my ex has left a lot of her stuff here too. I have pictures of me and her, I've got clothes of hers. At least now I know why I'm having such a hard time sleeping. I miss her terribly, I have a feeling she will be coming back though.

Off course you will have a feeling that she will be coming back, maybe that is why she left so much personal items at your place? Her stuff being there will keep the door open, because she can re-claim them, pick them up any time she wants to.( or wants to mess with your emotions)

Better get rid of them or store them away.

Yeah, it seems like that . The photo burning commencs sat night... . what was that Stehpen King story, Sometimes They Come Back?

[Cimbaruns]

Turk.  I have been following your story and you are amazing at holding it strong and steady for your kids... . such a great Dad!

I think having the stuff around just keeps a little vortex swirling in your head and heart... . so ridding yourself of that probably would be healthy for you

I remember just after mine walked out for the last time, gathering all the pics and placing them in a closet... . but it was like shoving it away somewhere only to be discovered later... . it kept the pain around for me to feel.

I finally gathered enough strength a few days later and pulled them all out of the frames and piled them together with every card and note and sat in front of my fire pit and watched them burn... . made me feel good even as I cried watching the fire.

I plan on doing a smudge in my house also, as she came a few weeks ago to gather up all her clothes and belongings she left.

I think they also leave little things around in the hopes of keeping you connected( mine painted so she left one picture behind... . of which I gave away to someone who liked it).

Do what you have to Turk... . you're a great father... . but a Dad to your kids doesn't mean you have to hold on to her... . or anything she may have left behind!

Strength to you.  I'm sending you many prayers my friend

[mgl210]

It's insane how much of her stuff is still here. I mean I've got pictures of her family here, a panda that has her first initial on it, a doll that her late aunt gave her, clothes, etc. she sent me a text last week wishing me a happy Chinese New Year. I have that feeling, because I know she will be losing her temporary therapist soon who will be going on maternity leave. Plus I will be totally alone by myself. I don't know though. I feel so helpless and alone. I just wish I could get over her or she and I could have our happy ending.

Wishful thinking I guess

Mgl210

[love4meNOTu]

Turkish -

Everything he left behind I boxed up and mailed to him.

Everything else that reminded me of him I threw away.

My wedding dress, stuffed elephants, cards, gifts, etc.

All gone!

ERASED.