Back From A Second Go Round

[Hurtbad]

Hello All,

It has been a while, about five months.  I see lots of new names and a few older ones.

I was doing a pretty good job of detaching when I fell off the wagon... . if you will.  You may recall that my relationship ended after three years when my exBPDgf flew away, three days after we agreed to separate and before I moved out, to sleep with a guy she met on Facebook.  She later moved out to his city and got a job there.  Their living arrangement lasted 10 days.   The guy turned out to be  a major player who was sleeping with half of his city and continued to do so when she got out there.  Worse, he was secretly filming them and her, and wanted her to join a polyamourous lifestyle, which she tried, though later rejected.  She was devastated.  Her mother and I talked her down from the trees, and she talked reconciliation.

I was wary, but agreed to met her in a neutral city where I was headed on business. On the day before she was to drive there, only hours after telling me she wanted to have a heart to heart about reconciling and that I was the love of her life... . the same night, she hooked up with still another guy.  I found out when her temporary roommate, thinking I was someone else, told me "Xxxx was not home,she was horny and hooked up with up with xxxx." When I told my ex we best leave things as they were, and that I could only get hurt, she went hysterical and still asked to visit.

We had an okay time and agreed that I would go by her new city next chance I got, spend a few days, and see how we felt.  It went well and I helped her with a few things.  She said she wanted to try again, and that one of us should think about moving etc.  To be honest, I knew it would not happen because she cannot be alone, and would never wait for either of us to make a move.  Within a couple of weeks, she got serious with the guy she hooked up with, as I suspected she would, and we are continuing on our separate ways.

I am posting for a couple of reasons.  First, I did not pay enough attention to the people who wrote about recycling.  Also, I realize that deep feelings of love during an effort to reconcile blind you to the horrors you went through.  Like a drunk should not take that first drink, I should not have ventured into a possible reconciliation without at least moving to the appropriate board here.

As for me, I am fine... . sad, but fine.  My extensive time on this site over the first six months of my breakup saved my sanity.  My break from here... also fueled by a tax audit... . was a mistake.  I shall continue to check in from time to time.  Also, I should have checked in to help others.

Any feedback would be appreciated.   As well, I do realize that my ex is trying to hold me on the back burner in case things don't work out.  She is regularly in touch and tells me how much she loves me.  I need the strength to move on and not get sucked back in.    I sometimes think loving this women is worse than drugs.

Hurtbad, escaping the bullet.

[Johnny Alias]

Hey.  I hear you man. 

It's very hard.  You want things to work out so badly but in the end you know deep down that they CAN'T.  Everytime you extend yourself you give a piece of yourself away to the person... . who chews it up and spits it out... . its any wonder that people in long term relationships with Cluster B's are true shells of who they used to be.  We become paranoid, insecure, and lose all the confidence we once had in ourselves. 

It's hard I know.  I got recycled three times.  I had even written notes to myself listing the reasons not to take her back but I did thinking things would be different, but they never were.  She didn't cheat on me... . except maybe in the very end. 

Mine would rage.  RAGE.  Mostly when drunk but believe me that was often enough. 

Thing is you trick yourself into thinking you can extend yourself and change for them because they can't change for you.  You feel yourself bending to the point where you're about to break.  In my case I would be getting screamed at, having things thrown at me, getting embarassed in public... . and then it would get swept under the rug.  Toward the end I begged her to see a therapist and to quit her drinking but she wouldn't.  She gave it some lip service, but deep down I don't think she felt she was doing anything wrong. 

I said put yourself in my shoes... . but that's not possible for a Cluster B because they don't have any concept of empathy... . which is why they cheat, lie, and RAGE.  They simply can't understand the pain they inflict on others... . or if they do get that they are hurting others they don't care or god forbid actually get a rush from it and enjoy it. 

We're just their toys after all.  Truly.  They can't be alone.  It's terrifying for them not to get attention and love poured on them on a daily basis.  They are the most insecure creatures there are. 

I myself have had these tendencies as of late.  I hate being alone... . and have been dating like a madman since she and I broke up. 

I have to stop.  I need to learn to love my own company again.  It's very hard because at one point that Cluster B was giving us what we didn't get as kids... . unconditional love... . but it was all an act to get what they wanted. 

It's a BRUTAL realization.  You're letting go of a dream... . and when we recycle hope takes over that it was real and that everything was genuine.  It never was... .  

Let her go.  Cry.  Cry again.  I know one day it will get better for both of us.  You need some extreme No Contact with her.  I wouldn't speak to her EVER again unless you hate yourself that much. 

[heartandwhole]

Hurtbad,

It's good to see you again, but I'm sorry for the reason.     It's really hard not to recycle, so I hope you aren't being hard on yourself.  I think checking in here frequently is a great idea.  It sounds like your ex broke it off, so she might want to start up again if her r/s doesn't work out (again).

In my opinion, real detachment is what sets us free.  And I know it's not easy.  We're here for you.