Help: Meeting with Couples Therapist Tomorrow

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My stbBPDgf of six years broke up for me for the last time on Friday. She moved out about a month ago, and during this time we have been seeing the same couples therapist weekly who we have been working with for the last six months. It was clear we were talking in circles, with my gf very clear that her pain and anger were all due to me. Indeed, the primal pain she expressed last therapy session, and my feeling of utter helplessness, made me, too, realize we had nowhere to go with this relationship. In many ways - while she probably threatened or did leave me several dozen times during our six years together (this is no exaggeration) - her announcing the end alleviated me of some of my own guilt, as I'm not sure I could have ever brought myself to leave her.

Since Friday, she has become emotionally unhinged. She has not contacted me, but we work together in separate departments, and our paths cross. I've seen her, and friends have commented, that he is on the verge of an emotional breakdown. This was the same utter despair/pain/breakdown I saw in her last week in therapy.

Here's my question. We are due to go to couples therapy tomorrow for next steps/closure. I emailed couples therapist (who is v. good) about my ambivalence in going, in part b/c I didn't want to cause my stbxBPDgf any more pain (my very presence seems to trigger it), and honestly I can't withstand seeing it. The couples therapist said coming in may in fact help calm it down, help with closure, and practical next steps.

So, first, should I continue couples therapy for next steps/closure? And, second, has anyone experienced their BPD partner, at the time of final breakup, become emotionally unhinged, on the verge of full-on breakdown, while also saying that you are the cause of all of their pain (which is utterly primal in its depth and expression)?

[ConverseHome]

My stbBPDgf of six years broke up for me for the last time on Friday. She moved out about a month ago, and during this time we have been seeing the same couples therapist weekly who we have been working with for the last six months. It was clear we were talking in circles, with my gf very clear that her pain and anger were all due to me. Indeed, the primal pain she expressed last therapy session, and my feeling of utter helplessness, made me, too, realize we had nowhere to go with this relationship. In many ways - while she probably threatened or did leave me several dozen times during our six years together (this is no exaggeration) - her announcing the end alleviated me of some of my own guilt, as I'm not sure I could have ever brought myself to leave her.

Since Friday, she has become emotionally unhinged. She has not contacted me, but we work together in separate departments, and our paths cross. I've seen her, and friends have commented, that he is on the verge of an emotional breakdown. This was the same utter despair/pain/breakdown I saw in her last week in therapy.

Here's my question. We are due to go to couples therapy tomorrow for next steps/closure. I emailed couples therapist (who is v. good) about my ambivalence in going, in part b/c I didn't want to cause my stbxBPDgf any more pain (my very presence seems to trigger it), and honestly I can't withstand seeing it. The couples therapist said coming in may in fact help calm it down, help with closure, and practical next steps.

So, first, should I continue couples therapy for next steps/closure? And, second, has anyone experienced their BPD partner, at the time of final breakup, become emotionally unhinged, on the verge of full-on breakdown, while also saying that you are the cause of all of their pain (which is utterly primal in its depth and expression)?

[seeking balance]

So, first, should I continue couples therapy for next steps/closure? And, second, has anyone experienced their BPD partner, at the time of final breakup, become emotionally unhinged, on the verge of full-on breakdown, while also saying that you are the cause of all of their pain (which is utterly primal in its depth and expression)?

yes and yes

We were in MC the final 8 months or so.  My ex did fall apart, went to The Meadows at one point during that time and after another "deciding to move out on her part" during a MC session to which I didn't fight it, I said ok... . she didn't show up for the last sessions... . which was kinda good in that I was able to have a very real conversation with the MC about what she saw and what I needed to work on for my recovery with my own T.

We did go to the MC a couple times a few months later to try for a reasonable settlement on marital assets, but that proved to be no good at all.

So, if you are truly done - my advice would be to go for the last time (no need to tell your ex if this is a regularly scheduled thing) - and use it to gain some perspective for your own closure that likely won't include her.

Do you have a T of your own?

[Turkish]

Here's my question. We are due to go to couples therapy tomorrow for next steps/closure. I emailed couples therapist (who is v. good) about my ambivalence in going, in part b/c I didn't want to cause my stbxBPDgf any more pain (my very presence seems to trigger it), and honestly I can't withstand seeing it. The couples therapist said coming in may in fact help calm it down, help with closure, and practical next steps.

So, first, should I continue couples therapy for next steps/closure?

I would trust the advice of the therapist, as he is working for you as well. You do, however, have the right to do what you think is best for you. I can't speak for you, but I'd go if I were you. One last time... .

And, second, has anyone experienced their BPD partner, at the time of final breakup, become emotionally unhinged, on the verge of full-on breakdown, while also saying that you are the cause of all of their pain (which is utterly primal in its depth and expression)?

I witnessed months of detachment and dysphoria from mine as she emotionally removed herself from our home and our children. It was frightening in a way. The things I found that she wrote I found both frightening and fascinating. Not a nice day when you go to the computer and see that your partner searched the word "crazy," among others. Once they detach and paint us black permanently, they will focus it on someone else. We are triggers, but so would anybody be. It's the nature of the disorder, and it always wins.

[Rosehip]

Hello, I have absolutely experienced something similar.

I can't help you with the couples therapy question but I can say that seeing a T for myself has been extremely helpful. I won't lie and say it was easy. It was very hard telling someone the truth of what I'd been living with all these years.

My exGf could have won a gold medal for putting all the blame about anything and everything on me.

I can understand intellectually that she was projecting but that doesn't stop the pain and guilt and confusion does it?

My Xgf also kept threatening to leave. Even though she was having sexual and cyber affairs she still managed to convince herself that I was to blame.

She didn't see any of my pain. She fluctuated wildly from sobbing to raging. It was very frightening.

So I do understand your pain and confusion. It is so hard. Think about focusing your attention and care on yourself during this difficult time. Don't get sucked into the madness any more than you can help.

Take care.

[seeking balance]

My Xgf also kept threatening to leave. Even though she was having sexual and cyber affairs she still managed to convince herself that I was to blame.

She didn't see any of my pain. She fluctuated wildly from sobbing to raging. It was very frightening.

This was my last 6 months and the MC would go through the exercise of SBex "do you really want to leave or is it the pain you want to stop" and uBPDex would break down, say the pain - but as soon as I went on a business trip, we were in the same boat again.  The last time, I just had to let go.

My final MC without ex was very good for me looking back - I didn't get a diagnosis, but did get confirmation on dissociating behavior, projection, "lack of sense of self", ... . my ex in other people's eyes seemed pretty together, so having the MC validation was helpful for me.

Again, I highly recommend a T of your own Converse.