Struggling with emotions

[Murbay]

Last night I received a message from my exBPDgf's D17 and it has triggered some anger, frustration and sadness. I really feel for my ex's kids because while I may be struggling with the detachment process, this is the norm to them and it must be frustrating and painful to them too.

ExBPDgf has 3 children, S18, D17 and D9, the eldest 2 to one father and the youngest to another. In terms of the older kids, I was never there as a replacement to their father but I did become a father figure, especially to ex's D17. She has a very grown up adult head on her shoulders and we bonded over the fact we were both kids who had to grow up too fast and become caretakers. The other bond we shared is that my mother used to be her teacher so she was aware of what I had to deal with too and we would often joke about it.

Although the eldest see their father and have a relationship with him, he has got over a brain tumour (which is what caused exBPDw to leave him as soon as he was diagnosed) and within the past few weeks he has been diagnosed with MS. So to that degree, any big life decisions, she would come and speak to me first and ask for advice on how to explain it to her father. Another thing I discovered was that he did very little with them growing up but that was down to the fact he was constantly having to take care of ExBPDgf's needs so never had any time for anything else.

So last night was the night of the regional finals for her singing competition. She contacted me to let me know and that she was a bag of nerves. She was looking for the reassurances that everything was going to be alright and I gave her those reassurances. After the competition, she contacted me again to let me know she won 2nd place and is going to the National Finals. As a group, they won 1st, 2nd and 3rd so she was over the moon and wanted to thank me for my words of encouragement. I was just as thrilled for her and let her know just that.

I then got a message from her to say that what her mother has done is not right and it's not fair. It's created a divide between the whole family and worst of all, because her mother is preoccupied with replacement, she doesn't have time for the kids right now. She couldn't even wish her own daughter well for the competition because she had more important things on her mind. It makes me angry but also sad and a little bit guilty, I might be here struggling but it isn't just me who gets pushed away, the kids do too and it hurts to think about what it must be like for them.

Then on the other side, ex's D is taking on the guilt and responsibility of her mothers actions. I've told her not to feel guilty but she has carried that all her life too. Not only has she been the one who has had to take care of her younger sister but she has had to take care of her mother through the drinking, the drugs, the reckless behaviour. I want to reach out and help her because I understand exactly what she is going through, but I know that I can't. All I can do is be there for her when and if she needs me but no child should ever have to carry the burden of their mother and at twice her age and with therapy, I've only just begun to learn that.

[growing_wings]

hey Murbay,

Sorry to hear the struggle you so clearly describe. No doubt, BPDs can really affect so badly the lives of those who surround them, including Kids and partners. you are right, no kids should be responsible for the BPD behaviours of the mother of father. this is a terrible consequence and in some cases... . all you can do is what you are doing, be there for them when needed.

The kids seem to be struggling to cope with their mother behaviour, and is understandable. Your willingness to help them correspond to a caring individual, so is great that you display the interest in helping them, as you are having a positive impact... .

as you say, be there for them when they need you, so they know that they have a reliable person to reach out when the going gets tough. this helps them enormously i think.

hope you feel better... .

you can be the solid ground those kids will need at times, when the BPD is acting out

[love4meNOTu]

It is so hard when you love your stepkids.

I loved my stepson, he was so funny and outgoing. And so very troubled. My heart went out to him. He kept making the same mistakes over and over... . his mom wasn't the greatest mom, and my ex husband was not really present in his daily life. Not all my ex's fault though.

When my stepson reached out to me when the marriage was over, it hurt my heart. I wanted to tell him that I would always care for him, but we both know that is not possible. I would not appreciate it if my ex husband tried to keep in contact with my children, he is too toxic and messed up.

I'll never forget when my stepson told me his dad was crazy. I didn't believe him, I just sort of brushed it off, I mean, all teenagers think their parents are crazy. But he did mean it. And he was right. I did not listen.

I"m sorry Murbay, it takes times to work through these emotional attachments. Someday maybe you can resolve them, or be present for them when they are adults and can make their own choices as to who they have as friends or mentors.

You are a good person, with a good heart. Never forget that.

God bless...

L

[Turkish]

Then on the other side, ex's D is taking on the guilt and responsibility of her mothers actions. I've told her not to feel guilty but she has carried that all her life too. Not only has she been the one who has had to take care of her younger sister but she has had to take care of her mother through the drinking, the drugs, the reckless behaviour. I want to reach out and help her because I understand exactly what she is going through, but I know that I can't. All I can do is be there for her when and if she needs me but no child should ever have to carry the burden of their mother and at twice her age and with therapy, I've only just begun to learn that.

Yes, this is like what is termed "covert incest," which is something like what happened to my X, too, and at 32, she is still in the Caretaker pattern for her family. They all put it on her.

I think... . no, I know you are a decent chap, Murbay, very loving and compassionate. I see you enforcing the boundaries, but I see nothing wrong with staying in contact and helping D17 emotionally. You can validate her feelings, you have the tools here to do so. Keep the boundaries, but keep the love as well.