need advice - new game from exH

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

We saw a parenting coordinator last week.  My exH clearly didn't like the way it went.  The next day, he happened to send me an email claiming one of our kids' docs was withholding information and not calling him back.  That's one of exH's things he does when he is stressed, claims info is withheld from him by various providers.  I politely suggested he get the name of the person he left messages with, and follow up with that person.  He tried to get me involved in this, but I stayed out of it and didn't engage him.

So today I get a voicemail message from the doctor saying the doc is "returning my call about my question."

It could be innocent - maybe exH called the doctor with a legit question, and the doctor accidentally called me back after seeing my number in the file first instead of exH's.  Or maybe exH just left my number instead of his to be a jerk and bother me.  He has canceled the kids' appiontments before and done various gaslighting things.  This doc deals with an important health issue among one of our kids that arises from time to time, so I hope my exH wouldn't jerk him around.

So should I just email exH to tell him I got the response by accident?  OR do I call the doc back, and just ask what kind of message he got, and explain that we're divorced and I just want to make sure he has the right number, and give him my exH's number?  And bypass telling ex to call the doc back?

I'd rather just tell exH I got the message, but if he is playing games like this with our kids' health and providers, maybe I should know it, too.  I do have concerns about exH's penchant for revenge and tricks, and have wondered if I should do something about it someday... . so I'd want to know if he is up to his old tricks again.  On the other hand, this could be totally innocent.

[momtara]

We saw a parenting coordinator last week.  My exH clearly didn't like the way it went.  The next day, he happened to send me an email claiming one of our kids' docs was withholding information and not calling him back.  That's one of exH's things he does when he is stressed, claims info is withheld from him by various providers.  I politely suggested he get the name of the person he left messages with, and follow up with that person.  He tried to get me involved in this, but I stayed out of it and didn't engage him.

So today I get a voicemail message from the doctor saying the doc is "returning my call about my question."

It could be innocent - maybe exH called the doctor with a legit question, and the doctor accidentally called me back after seeing my number in the file first instead of exH's.  Or maybe exH just left my number instead of his to be a jerk and bother me.  He has canceled the kids' appiontments before and done various gaslighting things.  This doc deals with an important health issue among one of our kids that arises from time to time, so I hope my exH wouldn't jerk him around.

So should I just email exH to tell him I got the response by accident?  OR do I call the doc back, and just ask what kind of message he got, and explain that we're divorced and I just want to make sure he has the right number, and give him my exH's number?  And bypass telling ex to call the doc back?

I'd rather just tell exH I got the message, but if he is playing games like this with our kids' health and providers, maybe I should know it, too.  I do have concerns about exH's penchant for revenge and tricks, and have wondered if I should do something about it someday... . so I'd want to know if he is up to his old tricks again.  On the other hand, this could be totally innocent.

[david]

If my xBPDw did something like this I would call the doc. If the doc called the wrong person then it is just a mistake. If my ex called and gave some crazy ___ bs I would kindly let the doc know I do not know what she is talking about and he should probebly call her. I would also ask the doc to call me back if it was something that really dealt with our kid. I would not call my ex. Why ? I've been dealing with bs since 2007. What I was told approx early 2009 is that "negative engagement is still engagement". The meaning gets clearer the longer I deal with ex. Causing chaos or mayhem is a great way to engage when nothing else works.

I have learned to minimize my communication with ex and usually only do so when it involves time with the kids. I believe this has led the ex to offer me more time since it is the one surefire way of getting me to engage.

A recent example: Ex sent an email to S15's teacher. According to ex he did not do an assignment during her weekend and she refused to sign it. In her email, she claimed S15 should not be in honors biology, he has bad study habits, does not measure up to an honors class, and blamed S15 for several other things. She further explained that she was a registered nurse and she could help S15 if he ever needed it since she took biology courses in college. She went on about how many years she worked as a nurse.The email was CC'd to me so that is why I know what was in it. I picked S15 up at school later that day. I asked him about his biology assignment. He told me he didn't understand one problem and left it blank. When he went to school he talked to his teacher and he explained it. I drove home with the boys. I sent an email to his teacher only and asked if he completed his biology assignment. He replied that he had and he had one question he did not understand and it was no big deal. I did not CC the email to ex or send any other email about it to her. The teacher got it and that is how ex helps me. Ex has done things like this in the past. Once the teacher gets it I get contacted by the teacher whenever something needs to be addressed. Ex doesn't get contacted by anyone after an incident like that.

I prefer that she does something like this in the beginning of the year so the teacher gets it sooner. I know that sounds twisted but things like this I have learned to expect. 

[arn131arn]

If my xBPDw did something like this I would call the doc. If the doc called the wrong person then it is just a mistake. If my ex called and gave some crazy ___ bs I would kindly let the doc know I do not know what she is talking about and he should probebly call her. I would also ask the doc to call me back if it was something that really dealt with our kid. I would not call my ex. Why ? I've been dealing with bs since 2007. What I was told approx early 2009 is that "negative engagement is still engagement". The meaning gets clearer the longer I deal with ex. Causing chaos or mayhem is a great way to engage when nothing else works. I have learned to minimize my communication with ex and usually only do so when it involves time with the kids. I believe this has led the ex to offer me more time since it is the one surefire way of getting me to engage.

A recent example: Ex sent an email to S15's teacher. According to ex he did not do an assignment during her weekend and she refused to sign it. In her email, she claimed S15 should not be in honors biology, he has bad study habits, does not measure up to an honors class, and blamed S15 for several other things. She further explained that she was a registered nurse and she could help S15 if he ever needed it since she took biology courses in college. She went on about how many years she worked as a nurse.The email was CC'd to me so that is why I know what was in it. I picked S15 up at school later that day. I asked him about his biology assignment. He told me he didn't understand one problem and left it blank. When he went to school he talked to his teacher and he explained it. I drove home with the boys. I sent an email to his teacher only and asked if he completed his biology assignment. He replied that he had and he had one question he did not understand and it was no big deal. I did not CC the email to ex or send any other email about it to her. The teacher got it and that is how ex helps me. Ex has done things like this in the past. Once the teacher gets it I get contacted by the teacher whenever something needs to be addressed. Ex doesn't get contacted by anyone after an incident like that.

I prefer that she does something like this in the beginning of the year so the teacher gets it sooner. I know that sounds twisted but things like this I have learned to expect. 

I have been reading allot on this thread bc I will be here soon.  I wanted to post that I have been NC with my ex while trying to get custody rights taken care of.  I haven't called or texted her since Dec 10th, and have not seen her in person since Dec 24th.  Since, she has denied all visitation to me with my son (8) and even filed a bogus RO against me and my son.  Obviously, trying to delay the prcoess.  But this line hit home for me.  Helped validate I'm not the crazy one, and that she is fearing being abandoned even with my replacement.  I look forward to more posts here when I FINALLY get to se my son!

[momtara]

Well, I called the receptionist.  This time it was an innocent mistake.  Hubby really did call and left his own number, and doctor called me back by accident.  It was all legit.  However, hubby still has a lot of bizarre behavior that makes me nervous.  I guess I'm relieved that he wasn't totally playing games THIS time, but he has done it so many other times that I'll just have to keep watching.  It's too bad that his behavior has me thinking about this type of thing, because generally I'm a trusting person.

[david]

I used to be a lot like that too. Over time I got better at it and now rarely worry, get anxious, nervous, etc about what ex is doing. Ex still does the move/countermoves but I just do what I think is best for our kids.

A funny thing just happened yesterday. I normally pick the boys up at school on Thursday and drop them off later around 9pm. Because of the storm school was closed. I sent an email to ex asking what time she would like me to pick them up. I offered to pick them up earlier and also offered that they sleep over. I didn't think they were going to have school today and I was correct. I didn't say that in my email because that might lead to a reply accusing me of being a psychic or something similar. I avoid triggers and it really wasn't needed in the email. Ex replied with a time and I picked them up. Hours later the school sent a voicemail saying that school would be closed today. This is my weekend. Ex called to talk to S15 and told him that they could sleep over if they wanted. S15 said he would call back in a few minutes. He had to go to the bathroom and ran upstairs. Ex called 10 times after that to talk to S15. When he came back downstairs I told him to call his mom. He did and they talked for several minutes.

I received an email from ex accusing me of restricting phone access to the boys. It went on and on about other things too. I did not reply. I see no need to explain. What goes on in her head has nothing to do with me.

[david]

I save all these emails from ex. I show some to my atty and he agreed that I not reply.

[momtara]

I have to learn not to play into it too.  The good thing about our exs' wacky communications is that they allow us to keep tabs on their behavior, when they are triggered and when they are not.

What bothers me is that my son's doctors are dealing with important issues, and I don't want him messing with that.  But at least in this case, it worked out ok.

[david]

Something else I think I noticed, the less I react to things like this, at least that ex sees, the better the results. If ex notices I am upset about something she said or does she usually comes back with it again in a short time. Then I believe there is an extinction burst and it will continue for some time. When I have no reaction at all it seems to not happen again or goes away much faster.