day from hell and feeling stupid

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

urgh,

feel so sad.  Saw my BPDexgf yesterday on the streets of London near where I used to work.  Sun was out so I went for a walk in one of the parks.  She didn't see me but didn't look like she had a care in the world.  Haven't laid eyes on her in 4 mths and found myself running away literally.

Last nt I didn't sleep at all -saw my T yesterday afternoon and just cried due to so many 'what's'? why's? all the Q's I wanted to ask... . "why did you load me with your sexual abuse stuff?"... . and then run... .   I helped you!  oh god

Anyway, it's 7pm and all I've done today is cry, self harm and generally feel miserable.  I've been stupid and hurt my arms and I'm sick of being afraid in central London as I have to be there as that's where my work (and she) is.  Just feel useless.  I'm ok.  Just don't know how to move on when I physically have to be near her and was praying she'd have gone back to the middle east.  PTSD after lots of humiliating incidents on the streets of London with her. 

I was doing ok... . I was trying  :'(

so sorry for mentioning harming,  I just feel useless

[DiamondSW]

urgh,

feel so sad.  Saw my BPDexgf yesterday on the streets of London near where I used to work.  Sun was out so I went for a walk in one of the parks.  She didn't see me but didn't look like she had a care in the world.  Haven't laid eyes on her in 4 mths and found myself running away literally.

Last nt I didn't sleep at all -saw my T yesterday afternoon and just cried due to so many 'what's'? why's? all the Q's I wanted to ask... . "why did you load me with your sexual abuse stuff?"... . and then run... .   I helped you!  oh god

Anyway, it's 7pm and all I've done today is cry, self harm and generally feel miserable.  I've been stupid and hurt my arms and I'm sick of being afraid in central London as I have to be there as that's where my work (and she) is.  Just feel useless.  I'm ok.  Just don't know how to move on when I physically have to be near her and was praying she'd have gone back to the middle east.  PTSD after lots of humiliating incidents on the streets of London with her. 

I was doing ok... . I was trying  :'(

so sorry for mentioning harming,  I just feel useless

[myself]

DiamondSW, no need to apologize for talking about this, it's what these boards are for. It's much better to reach out with a post than continue harming yourself. Have you talked with your T about it? What else can you do besides hurting yourself? It's hard on us when we take on someone else's pain. I cried my eyes out the night before last, remembering things my ex told me about being abused as a child. Knowing it made her unable to trust people, even someone as loving as myself. I did everything I could to help her feel better, to see there is someone in her life who isn't hurting her, but the closer we got the more she ran away. So I've been turning that positive attention on myself, which you can do for yourself. Be kind with yourself. Feel your feelings. Accept you did your best, and keep doing your best in the days to come.

[Take2]

You have absolutely nothing to feel stupid about... . you are still healing and seeing the ex is soo difficult.  I know... . I work with mine and I can't escape seeing him daily.  It's very hard for me to break away from the madness with it constantly in front of me... .   keep crying, let it out.  Hold your head high as you walk thru the city... .   you will get to a place eventually where you won't need to run.  Just focus on you and take care of you... .

[MammaMia]

Diamond

I am sorry.

First of all, you are NOT stupid.  You are hurt.  Sometimes our emotions sneak up on us just when we think we are going to be ok.  Maybe your reaction was necessary to finally gain closure.  Running away may be exactly what you needed to do.

It sounds like you need someone to share your unhappiness with.  We are here for you, but you may also want to consider talking to a therapist face-to-face who can help you over the hump.  :)o you have friends and family you can talk to?  Even calling a Help Line may be beneficial.  Getting support is critical.  

It is time to take care of yourself and stop focusing on your ex. Harming yourself fixes nothing.  It only gives her more power.  You need to regain control over your life, and self-harm is not the way to do that. You proved you are strong by not confronting her.

Please keep us posted.  Seek help.  You can do this.

 

[DiamondSW]

My T told me to be kind to myself too... .

She told me that when I'm scared in London I should think of a safe place.  Trouble is that I've got some really bad memories of there and no answers... . I didn't 'do' anything to her, it was her mother and her abusive cousin but they're 1000's of miles away so I got it all.  

My T said I can always call her... . she's so sweet.  Just really heartbroken seeing the ex... . I was so hoping she'd gone away and seeing her made me think of all the nasty words and actions... .  

[mgl210]

Diamond,

I am sorry that you feel so bad right now. I can understand how you feel though. I want you to know that I commend you for coming onto this board as there are a lot of great people here who will offer their support and encouragement throughout this difficult time. I won't go into my situation, because this isn't about me. THis is about YOU. and YOU have every right to feel as how you feel, don't ever discount that. Don't ever forget that YOU matter and that YOUR feelings are the most important ones here at this time and place. I am here if you need to talk...

MGL

[DiamondSW]

Thank you... very kind words

I'm just reall upset.  London is really hurting me at the moment and I've got to start going in more frequently because I need to work... for £ and my own self esteem.

My T says I'm exhibiting real fear of the girl which she says is very justified.  I'm also afraid of bumping into her aunt, uncle or their children as my 'ex' has painted me black to everyone.  I seem to be the only one who knows about the sexual abuse and how vulnerable she is at night with self harm, not many true friends and so on... yet for that, Ive been pushed away, which has got me depressed and poorly.

So my care = my depression and serious illess = the reason to push me away and treat me like i'm the abuser. 

Heck, the guy who sexually abused her is her family and no one wants to prosecute him because he's family... . (even my BPDexes mum doesn't want to know)... .  

Sorry guys, just a sick, sick situation that is really hurting me.  Your words are really kind and i'm doing my best as we all are x

[mgl210]

I am not doubting your words of the history of your frmr.

Supposedly my ex was molested by an uncle of hers that her father refuses to believe(its his youngest brother) and she does have a history of self harm as well that her parents are aware that is still going on... . I feel your pain my friend. I feel it better than you think I do. I have a sister and bro in law that live in London. its a beautiful country and the women there are equally as beautiful. DOn't be so hard on yourself... I know its easier said than done, but like I said before. YOU should be commending yourself for finding your way to this board. The people here are really supportive and informative, If you ever need to vent, please feel free to write to me. I don't judge and I will not betray your confidence. Be good to yourself my friend...

MGL

[MammaMia]

Diamond

It sounds like you are torturing yourself and your self-esteem is damaged because of what you THINK other people believe about you.  Consider the source.  Even if your BPDex's family and friends are not aware she is sick, they are still probably very aware something is "not right" with her.  I would not be surprised if they question everything she says.  It is typical for pwBPD to lie about others to make themselves feel better. Nothing is ever their fault.

First of all, YOU know the truth.  :)o not be concerned about what you have been told others MAY think. Believe in yourself.  

I would wonder if you may have PTSD from your relationship.  That would account for the fear.  You need to work to stop the fear from controlling your life.  You do not deserve to feel that way. Are you on any anti-anxiety medication?  It may help.

I am glad you have a T.  Take advantage of her offer to contact her when things get really bad.  

She is your best ally.  We are all here for you as well.  You are among friends.