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[coastalfog1]

It’s been a month of NC. I have good days where I can actually smile. Never thought that would happen. I actually recognize bits of my old self. It feels so amazing. But, I also have many more days where I still cry myself to sleep. I think my impending move is making things worse. I let her win and I’m angry with myself. I spent so much time and effort getting here. I worked and saved non-stop for 3 years to get into grad school. I moved 2500 miles from my home to attend the number one ranked program in the county and I threw it all away for her. And for her it was what was expected. She was owed me giving up my dreams because I wasn’t her equal. Soon I’m moving to a city where I’ve never lived and know no-one. I’ve taken a job outside my field just because they would hire me. I will never work in my chosen field because it requires a masters to do so and that ship has already sailed. I want to strike back and can’t. I want her life to be as damaged and miserable as mine, in fact I pray for her misery every night. I’m so ashamed I think like this, this is not who I am. I’m desperately searching for me. My last “real” relationship lasted 13 years, cut short by cancer. If that amazing woman could see me today she’d be so ashamed of what I’ve become. After nearly 15 years out of the dating scene my exwBPD was my first foray into real life again. From where I’m sitting now I should have stayed single. I don’t know how to find me anymore but if anybody see's me laying on the side of the road, please return here . Thanks

[heartandwhole]

Coastalfog,

I hear you.  I really understand your feelings, and why you feel conflicted for experiencing them.  Please be gentle with yourself.  This is all part of process and there is nothing shameful about what you feel.  

I'm so sorry that your dreams seem out of reach right now.  You did what you did for love.  No shame in that.  You took a risk and did what you felt was right for you at the time.  I know it's a bitter pill to see now what was behind those actions, but it will help you grow.

This new life in another city could be a great help for your continuing detachment.  I know that new activities and environments helped me a lot in mine.

Stay strong and keep feeling, coastal. You will get through this. What have you been doing to help get through these tough days?

We're here for you.  

[letmeout]

Things will get better with time! Join a local group that interests you, there you can  be interactive socially with others so you make new friends. 

The vengeful feelings will pass; anger is part of the grieving process.