Unrealistic expectations of myself

[Ceide]

As I read more and learn more, I realize how unrealistic my expectations of myself have been.  Somehow I expected myself to bounce back and be "normal" (i.e. more productive, not ruminating over the r/s anymore, moving on, etc.) in a much shorter period than its actually taking.  Some of that is because I didn't have any knowledge of BPD until recently.  Now that I'm learning about it, I realize my expectations for my healing are/were completely unreasonable.

So now I feel like I've just added one more thing to the heap of things I would like to get over, and stop placing unrealistic expectations on myself.

[santa]

After being locked into a relationship with a crazy person for awhile, it's going to take a decent amount of time to readjust to normalcy. Once you're away from it for some time, you can appreciate how ridiculous the whole thing was and just write it off as a weird experience and move on.

[arn131arn]

Not only do I have unrealistic expectations of myself, but everyone that was there for me the past 7 weeks do as well.

They no longer want to hear about it and just want me to move on and quit talking about it... .

If only it were that easy

[buddy1226]

My people are like that too, arn. I can't talk about it to anyone. It's been three months for me but it seems like it took a few months for it to hit. Like it had a delayed reaction. I wish someone could tell me how long It'll be or if life will ever be the same...

[Ceide]

Buddy 1226, I definitely don't think my life will be the same.  In fact, I don't want it to be.  I hope I am smarter, should I ever encounter anyone like the ex ever again.  But I know what you mean.  I'd like to recover more than I have.

It sucks when our support groups have no more support left to give us.  That's a double-whammy.

Really glad for this site and the support I have found here.

[seeking balance]

So now I feel like I've just added one more thing to the heap of things I would like to get over, and stop placing unrealistic expectations on myself.

Very good to see you being kind to yourself... . when we come here, we are all more damaged than we even realize... . be good to you!

Do you have a T that you are working this much deeper issue with?

[Ceide]

Do you have a T that you are working this much deeper issue with?

I did, for a little while.  It got interrupted w/a change in my insurance.  I'm working on getting back there.  She's great and I like her, but she did mention that she's never worked with nons before, which concerns me a little.  But yes, I am committed to doing the work.  I don't ever want to go through anything like this ever again.  At times I feel real hope that there is something I can do about it, I can change ME.  I also attend Al-Anon meetings and there is some cross-over with some of the tools discussed here (putting the focus on taking care of ourselves, not accepting unacceptable behavior, boundaries, detaching/letting go, etc.), although I don't think anything replaces individual therapy, for me, anyway.

It's funny, when I said I had added one more thing to the heap of things to recover from, I wasn't being kind to myself.  I was beating myself up a bit for having unrealistic expectations of myself.  LOTS for me to work on there!

Thanks, everyone, for your comments!

[warhar]

It is mentioned above how you feel that you've "used up" your available support, that people have the attitude "get over it". Well, firstly, I'm amazed that you HAVE support! In my case when I needed support I suddenly realised that after 18 years I no longer had family nor friends, my neighbours, my church and community had a certain view of me and other victims of my exBPDw - who might have validated what I was trying to say - had also been so thoroughly discredited that they were seen -as was I - of somehow being  "in the wrong".

My BPDw had spent years carefully crafting a web of deceit and so carefully was it done that only when I went looking for support did I realise how much I'd lost.

Secondly, we can't really expect people with no experience of BPD relationships to understand our predicament. In a "normal" relationship-breakdown advice such as "get back on the dating scene", "plenty more fish" etc might suffice but not in our case!

Only other exBPD abductees will ever understand.

Thank God for this site! This is where I get support (and perhaps one day I'll be able to offer it) 

[dreamofpeace]

Hi Ceide. I hear you! Just before I read your post I was sitting here feeling guilty and mad at myself for not being more productive. I often feel like I can't do anything. Then to top it off I yelled at one of my kids this morning before school, so I feel like I'll never get myself back on track. For me it seems to be pretty much just depression. I have so much to do and take care of since being in this relationship consumed much of my time and energy. I gained a lot of weight too, binge eating - which I hadn't done in at least 7 years. (Gained weight or binge eat)  So I have all kinds of struggles going on too. I think - I should feel free and have more time now to get going in life and then I'm paralyzed - don't even know where to begin. I do have some great tools to help me with depression, etc. but they aren't working like they usually do. You sound like you are really aware and want to be kind to yourself. Thank-you for sharing that. It is good to not feel alone. Guess it's about putting one foot in front of the other... .

[winston72]

Humans of a certain type... . we can be unkind to ourselves even when being kind to ourselves!  Being upset with ourselves because we realize we are being hard on ourselves!

I wish there was a "fix" for the prolonged suffering from the relationship.  And by suffering at this point I mean a deep underlying unease.  I do not have day to day anxiety nor are there any "hot" issues related to this anymore.  But it lingers every so slowly.  And now I see that the same need or desire for a fix for what ails me was a dynamic that led me to my ex and kept me going within the relationship.  I thought and felt that the attraction and energy and intensity was going to transform me... . and probably take me away from the less attractive parts of me.  I told myself that it was love and that one has the right to expect that love could bring transformation and a better life.  That can be an accurate statement... . but I applied it to the wrong person and the wrong relationship.  Now I wonder if that need I feel now for a clean ending and a fresh start is a similar hope to the one I had when entering into and maintaining by BPD relationship.

Solution... . one day at a time, self awareness, honesty with self... . finding a partner who lives life similarly.

Sometimes posting feels like the rough draft of a paper... . very rough draft... . and they I hit post!  Thank you to this community for reading and engaging with the rough drafts of our inner worlds.  It is such a help.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I haven't had much chance to be on the boards for some months now, but was wondering if any of you used to come and post stuff, and then read over it, and before you know it, there was this massive post and you just gave up and hit your BACK button?

There is so much pain, frustration, hurt, confusion inside me, that I could write forever, but I fear readers might just fall asleep!

It does appear to me that most posts are short and kind of sweet, so kinda feeling a bit funny about being a possible long poster kind of thing.

Any thoughts?

[Ceide]

Hi rollercoaster24 -

Start a new topic and just write.  Then post.  People here will not disappoint in terms of support and help in processing it all.  That's what everyone is here for.

Go for it!

Ceide

[Ceide]

Dreamofpeace -

It is SOO good to know I am not alone in having gone through exactly the type of depression you described.

For me, though, I didn't know about BPD, hadn't found this website at the time I was going through it.  I had this unrealistic expectation of myself that I shouldn't feel depressed, shouldn't have a hard time with anything, that I should be 100% "normal".  What garbage!  I wish I had known then... . and you know what?  Right after he (the ex) started his BS, when I was having panic attacks and seriously couldn't focus, etc., I sought out help!  I went to a therapist!  I would cry straight through every session and I told the therapist, "I just want someone to explain it to me".  I'm very analytical and if someone could have told me then, he has BPD, a mental disorder, I think I would have let go so much easier than I did.  You want to know what the therapist said at my third session when I reiterated how I needed to figure out how to focus so I could get my life back on track?  He said:  "Just splash some cold water on your face and tell yourself you can do it."  ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?  If that's it all it took, I'd have done that - last time I saw that therapist!  I should have found another one, though, instead of letting two years go by in between Ts.

Anyway, just realizing how serious this disorder is and trying to be better to myself now.

[winston72]

Ceide... . what a disappointing experience with that therapist.  Ugh.  A big ugh, actually.

The realm of personality disorders is certainly not new, is undergoing a lot of research and has quite a robust community of experts... . but if one is not fortunate enough to locate someone with such expertise... . well, it is a big loss.  It can be a bit like seeing a general practitioner when you have a very specific and complex orthopedic problem.  Hmmm... . as I type this, I recall falling off a bicycle while on holiday in Hawaii.  My forearm and elbow hurt terribly.  I saw an emergency room physician.  He had an impeccable pedigree... . Columbia undergrad and Dartmouth Medical School... . bright and self confident.  He told me I had a bad bruise and sent me on my way.  After three days of acute pain, I saw a specialist who took more detailed x-rays and told me I had a fractured bone.  Wrong doctor for that injury!

Okay, I am over-elaborating, but it is to say that I saw someone with good qualifications, but in the wrong field. Thankfully, my arm hurt so much that I had to seek another opinion... . we do not do this with mental health professionals. 

Thank you for your posts!

[Ceide]

Thank you everyone for your posts!            

[dreamofpeace]

Ceide - yes! So good to not feel alone in these struggles. For me I think I have been so focused on staying safe and keeping my children safe, that all I wanted was for him to go away so I could breath and stop feeling attacked and stop feeling like I constantly had to explain myself to him. Then once I had a few days without him in constant communication - it all hit home. I'm relieved to be going in the right direction here, but it all seems so sad that this had to happen. Sometimes very hard to wrap my mind around all of it... . and mostly I just think I have been beyond exhausted after the intense time of ending this relationship.

Ugh! I'm sorry your therapist was not helpful. How awesome if a splash of cold water cured all! It would be tough to not "know" about mental illness. At the same time, I still so desperately want it to be "normal" with him and once in a while doubt that it's him, which is crazy after all of the red flags.

How long have you been out of the relationship?