I have a High-Functioning Borderline mother

[searchingstability]

My mother is high functioning uBPD. Growing up, and especially after my parents' divorce, it was unbelievably difficult to get help or bring light to the horribleness of the abuse going on in my house because my mom is highly functioning. Job, hobbies, groups of friends, etc. She's so charming and fun to be around when we are around people she wants to impress and have them like her. It's actually kinda terrifying seeing her put on this extroverted and flexible air when we're out, only to come home and her apply the black and white thinking to her system of judging everyone we've interacted with.

Before I knew it was BPD (even though it's still technically uBPD, as far as I know), I thought she was just severely depressed with an anger problem. I tried to stage an intervention many years ago by suggestion of my high school guidance counselor, after I came to school in shambles after a particularly tough rage by mom ("I hate you!" "I wish I never had you!" "You're such an ungrateful, selfish child!" "F--- you!". It all fell apart because none of my mother's friends saw this side of her and she played it off as me being an emotional teenager. Our extended family knows better than to get involved (I sense that they tried to at some point in the past and now see no way to win).

Now she seems to be much more on the functioning side, but about once every two weeks or so, she'll berate me/rage at me and tell me how my "laziness" and "sitting on my ass" makes her look like an unsuccessful mother. (I've just wrapped up 2 years abroad in West Africa with a volunteer organization, am actively working with a local farm, ministry, and compost company... . just can't find a job in my field and am now working as an intern at a law office). It's very tough for me to trust people completely now... . who knows what they are like behind closed doors?

[Aerials]

While I never thought of my mother as high-functioning, she generally held jobs and relationships for about 6 months before she violated boundaries in some way.  When I look back at my childhood friends, I cringe at how their parents perceived us once her time limit for being appropriate would hit its limit. She would cry to them about her supposed abuse and/or yell at them for not appreciating her enough.  She clings to new coworkers, especially those who do not sound emotionally healthy themselves, and she describes herself as being a hero to them, but inevitably all of her closer relationships fail.  One time she started dating a man who was in a minor car accident, and he told her that he was going to see his mother afterwards and could not see her, and she screamed at him that he was a loser and mama's boy.  She claimed that she really taught him a lesson, but in reality, he was probably just shocked and thought he dodged a bullet with her.  I think of my mother as a walking limbic system without a moderating frontal lobe.  She just constantly vomits out thoughtless, knee-jerk emotional responses and then pats herself on the back for it.  

[an0ught]

Hi searchingstability

My mother is high functioning uBPD. Growing up, and especially after my parents' divorce, it was unbelievably difficult to get help or bring light to the horribleness of the abuse going on in my house because my mom is highly functioning. Job, hobbies, groups of friends, etc. She's so charming and fun to be around when we are around people she wants to impress and have them like her. It's actually kinda terrifying seeing her put on this extroverted and flexible air when we're out, only to come home and her apply the black and white thinking to her system of judging everyone we've interacted with.

it sounds unbelievable that someone can be so different on the outside and inside. We are all so married to the concept there is one whole person. But a pwBPD is behavior is very, very situation dependent. Being appreciated is important - but so is dumping of unprocessed toxic emotions and a pwBPD can act "appropriately" to get the mission accomplished.

It is probably ironic that her judging everyone harshly around her is a behavior that undermines her own self esteem and destabilizes her. Being judgmental is a two edged sword with one edge pointing straight at the bearer.

Now she seems to be much more on the functioning side, but about once every two weeks or so, she'll berate me/rage at me and tell me how my "laziness" and "sitting on my ass" makes her look like an unsuccessful mother. (I've just wrapped up 2 years abroad in West Africa with a volunteer organization, am actively working with a local farm, ministry, and compost company... . just can't find a job in my field and am now working as an intern at a law office). It's very tough for me to trust people completely now... . who knows what they are like behind closed doors?

We never know all of the people we are dealing with. You probably have a better understanding than most. So what do you do about building up the ability to trust?

[nyartgal]

Your description of your mother sounds eerily like my own. As she gets older (she's 75 now) the amount of time between meeting someone and her inevitable inappropriateness has decreased from months to minutes. I'm scared to ever introduce her to someone because I have no idea what will come out of her mouth. Her "new" thing is to tell anyone who ever utters anything she doesn't like that they "need to get over it." Meanwhile she has never gotten over anything in her life, and she's constantly complaining, criticizing, etc and if anyone told her to "get over it" WWIII would start immediately.

I do understand your reluctance to trust, but in my experience BPD is an extreme phenomenon and most people are not two-faced or secretive like they are. The danger, if there is one, is that crazy behavior like this doesn't SEEM crazy. My ex-husband was extremely controlling and passive aggressive but it took me a long time to see it because I was so used to walking on eggshells and working hard for love. The trick is to really understand how NOT NORMAL this stuff is so that it starts to feel instinctively abnormal to you, just like it would to someone without a BPD parent.

As an aside, when my Mom got remarried some years ago, I helped her plan the wedding, threw her a surprise shower, etc etc. But at one point during the wedding, she came up and said something nasty to me (I forgot what exactly) within earshot of one of her friends (since gone from her life). This friend had helped me with the wedding shower so I'd spent some time with her. She came up to me and said, "Now I get it. Your Mom is just like mine: to their friends and people they want to impress they're the most charming, seductive people in the world. But they act completely different at home." Or something to that effect. Anyway, I found it so validating to hear that---I just looked at her and nodded. Like, wow, someone else gets it.

Hope that helps! Feel free to message me if you want to discuss more.

[bpbreakout]

My BPDw is like your mother and only recently diagnosed having been treated for bipolar2 for many years. I have stuck mainly around for the sake of the children (d14 and s12) and the odd good time. I'm often not sure whether I have done the right thing though so far haven't wanted to put children through the disruption of a divorce or the possibility that they would be left alone with BPDw for extended periods. I (not BPDw) have organised d14 a psychologist since aged 8 (ostensibly to deal with disobediance & possibly ADHD) but in reality I know d14 needs help to deal with her mother's constant criticism and also to manage her emotions(she hasn't had a very good role model). S12 is the golden child. d14 still thinks the issue is bipolar and I'm contemplating how whether to tell her about the BPD diagnosis (BPDw would obviously highly opposed). d14 and BPDw have a very volatile relationship and always a fine line for me trying to be a good parent and supporting BPDw though to be honest I'm not interested in co-oparenting when there is raging or vindictiveness though in the past have been more "enabling" which I regret . BPDw is socially charming and often complains to her friends about how difficult our daughter is and how unsupportive I am. One of her favourite regular rants is how selfish d14 is (she's a teenager so I'm thinking that's her job!), also loves to use the "get over it" expression after insulting people.

Our friends don't see the rages at home and I wish they did though they do know I don't like they way BPDw picks on daughter. I can see d14 has alreday put up barriers, I try to re-assure her by telling her she is a good person (most of the time) and telling her when I think Mum's criticism is rubbish (which also is most of time). Not exactly a unified parent front but I'm not sure I have a choice. d14 is doing very well at school and I think drawing a lot of confidence from that.

I hope you learn to trust people a bit more, everyone has their issues but not many are like your Mum. With your background at least you will know a lot of warnings signs/red flags.