Sometimes being loved half the time was better than never

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm having a hard time detaching like I should.  Got divorced last month from my husband.  I know my situation is different from many people here because I am the one who kicked him out - it's not like he left suddenly.  I don't want him back; I want the GOOD part of him back.  He is in counseling and still wants to come home.  He has said he hopes we can get back together someday, maybe after years of counseling.  But I don't know if the counseling will ever be enough to really change him.  And that's sad for me and sad for him, ultimately.  We have two young kids and I have to consider their reactions, too.  They were starting to notice the verbal abuse.

He would be fine most of the time, but when something triggered him, he'd be angry for a few days, bossing me around, telling me I was lazy if I didn't clean certain things.  Then it would taper off.

But what I am thinking about today is how he wasn't cruel to me in the way certain other men were cruel when I was dating.  I met guys who told me I was  too quiet, or guys who wanted me to change.  One guy told me that most guys would think I was weird because I kept a blog.   I'm nerdy and I get wrapped up in my thoughts.  Yet, my husband accepted who I was.  We had similar personalities in that way.  I never felt like I had to be louder with him or change who I was.  Sure, he was cruel when triggered.  Yet, being married was in some ways heaven for me.  Sometimes we just took a walk or watched tv together calmly and that's all we needed.  It is hard sometimes to just find someone compatible in temperament and outlook on life.

I have been waking up each morning feeling really alone and really sad.  I miss being married.  

Some would say that I deserve someone who's nice to me all the time.  Sure I deserve that - but I know the reality of what's out there.  :)ating was just a bunch of chances to get criticized.  And also, how easy IS it to meet compatible people, people you can feel comfortable with and still a little passionate about?  My ex and I had some nice things in common.  There were a lot of quiet times when we were just happy.

Something would trigger the abuse and I'd tiptoe around for three days.  Eventually he'd go back to normal.  Now I realize it was fear of abandonment, due to stuff that happened in his childhood.  It doesn't make it easier to deal with, but it's what it is.  It was/is a disorder.

So I'm in my office crying today because I love the good part of him.  I wish he could be that way all the time.  I wish there was more hope.  I wish there was medication for BPD.  I wish we could just be a normal family like so many others.  It's what I wanted all my life and why I sidestepped other bad situations.  There are happy, normal families all around me and I wonder if they know that they're in heaven.  My kids deserve two parents right now.  This is such a cruel disorder.

Maybe he will get the right treatment and be better in a few years, but the kids will be older and getting together as an experiment will have its own complications.  It's a shame he just can't get better NOW when we all need him.

He has apologized for everything he has done.  He really wants to change and come home.  But I see the old ways slipping out still, even while he's in counseling.  

Some people ask why women stay with verbally abusive men.  Well, frankly, sometimes a person who loves you half the time seems better than no one at all.  People would criticize me for saying that, but it is what it is.  

Sometimes that's how it feels and I have the right to feel that way.  

I still left and am protecting my kids, but it feels bad when I wake up every day.  I miss being married sometimes.

I wonder if this will get moved to a different subject head, but it is about detaching, in its own way.  Maybe I just won't let either of us detach.  I just feel how I feel and I can't help it.

Thoughts?

[momtara]

I'm having a hard time detaching like I should.  Got divorced last month from my husband.  I know my situation is different from many people here because I am the one who kicked him out - it's not like he left suddenly.  I don't want him back; I want the GOOD part of him back.  He is in counseling and still wants to come home.  He has said he hopes we can get back together someday, maybe after years of counseling.  But I don't know if the counseling will ever be enough to really change him.  And that's sad for me and sad for him, ultimately.  We have two young kids and I have to consider their reactions, too.  They were starting to notice the verbal abuse.

He would be fine most of the time, but when something triggered him, he'd be angry for a few days, bossing me around, telling me I was lazy if I didn't clean certain things.  Then it would taper off.

But what I am thinking about today is how he wasn't cruel to me in the way certain other men were cruel when I was dating.  I met guys who told me I was  too quiet, or guys who wanted me to change.  One guy told me that most guys would think I was weird because I kept a blog.   I'm nerdy and I get wrapped up in my thoughts.  Yet, my husband accepted who I was.  We had similar personalities in that way.  I never felt like I had to be louder with him or change who I was.  Sure, he was cruel when triggered.  Yet, being married was in some ways heaven for me.  Sometimes we just took a walk or watched tv together calmly and that's all we needed.  It is hard sometimes to just find someone compatible in temperament and outlook on life.

I have been waking up each morning feeling really alone and really sad.  I miss being married.  

Some would say that I deserve someone who's nice to me all the time.  Sure I deserve that - but I know the reality of what's out there.  :)ating was just a bunch of chances to get criticized.  And also, how easy IS it to meet compatible people, people you can feel comfortable with and still a little passionate about?  My ex and I had some nice things in common.  There were a lot of quiet times when we were just happy.

Something would trigger the abuse and I'd tiptoe around for three days.  Eventually he'd go back to normal.  Now I realize it was fear of abandonment, due to stuff that happened in his childhood.  It doesn't make it easier to deal with, but it's what it is.  It was/is a disorder.

So I'm in my office crying today because I love the good part of him.  I wish he could be that way all the time.  I wish there was more hope.  I wish there was medication for BPD.  I wish we could just be a normal family like so many others.  It's what I wanted all my life and why I sidestepped other bad situations.  There are happy, normal families all around me and I wonder if they know that they're in heaven.  My kids deserve two parents right now.  This is such a cruel disorder.

Maybe he will get the right treatment and be better in a few years, but the kids will be older and getting together as an experiment will have its own complications.  It's a shame he just can't get better NOW when we all need him.

He has apologized for everything he has done.  He really wants to change and come home.  But I see the old ways slipping out still, even while he's in counseling.  

Some people ask why women stay with verbally abusive men.  Well, frankly, sometimes a person who loves you half the time seems better than no one at all.  People would criticize me for saying that, but it is what it is.  

Sometimes that's how it feels and I have the right to feel that way.  

I still left and am protecting my kids, but it feels bad when I wake up every day.  I miss being married sometimes.

I wonder if this will get moved to a different subject head, but it is about detaching, in its own way.  Maybe I just won't let either of us detach.  I just feel how I feel and I can't help it.

Thoughts?

[love4meNOTu]

Hi momtara-

My divorce was final in September. I felt as you did until recently. However, my ex husband blamed all of our problems on me, and did not address his anger / violence at all. In fact, he accused me of being the abuser. (I've never struck anyone in my life).

I too, missed the "good" parts of him. Unfortunately, the good parts were becoming less and less, and in the end they were completely gone. He hated me, and it came out all the time. Digs about my weight, that I was stupid (this in front of his brother in law), put me down in front of his son in the car... . Then he started accusing me of crazy things in front of my sons while in a rage.

He never took responsibility for this because you see - IT'S ALL MY FAULT. If I had just done what he told me to do, when he told me to do it, then he wouldn't have to treat me that way right?

So in that regard it is completely justified to treat me any way he wanted to, including scaring the crap out of me.

To this day, Tara, he maintains that he has done nothing wrong.

I could not live like that. I could not. So I told him I wanted a divorce. That's all she wrote.

So Tara, at a time like this I would ask you to use your wise mind, and consider the affect his behavior would have on you in the years and years to come... . how it might have extinguished you as a person. I know in order to get my ex to stay calm, I never told him how I really felt about anything. I couldn't, I would have been reprimanded.

It's enough Tara. I'm glad he's getting help. But right now, you need help for you.

Don't do what I did and try to be a fortune teller, as in give in to my fears that I will be alone forever. We do not know what is going to happen tomorrow or five years down the road, we do not know.

And we have no reason to be afraid anymore. We are here to protect our children, that is our job as moms. Believe me, trying to raise your children with BPD chaos and trying to protect them from it would have been impossible.

Hugs,

L

[winston72]

Hey Momtara... . when I saw the title of the thread I fully agreed!  Ah, how easy it is to feel that way. 

I wonder in your case if you the distance from his anger and his disordered behaviors give you the safety and comfort to feel a warmth and connection to the better parts of the relationship?  In other words, detaching allows you to maintain some attachment?  That sounds funny! 

There is also a lot of wishing in your post.  The wishfulness can become a form of attachment.  Because you/we want a whole and fulfilling family life, want a partner who we like at least some of the time(!) that it gives us a sense of positive connection to what we had in the broken relationship.  Also, the wishfulness encourages us to segregate the "good" from the "bad" in our ex. That, of course, is not realistic.  But, it can serve a purpose in formulating a new future as many of those things can be achieved in our futures away from the ex. 

You wrote,"... . detaching like I should."  Be easy about telling yourself what you should feel like.  A marriage and two children... . there are going to be rivers of feelings and thoughts that flow through you.

[momtara]

Thanks to both of you.  Winston, you are very wise.  Yes, many of us here forget the bad parts of the relationship when we have distance, and just cling to the good.  

When are they going to find some medication to help those with BPD?  Our families have suffered enough.  My mom is bipolar and she got on Abilify and it took away all of her delusions and she was able to function (until eventually she got off it... . )  Why can't someone come up with something for BPD?  It's so frustrating.

LoveformeN, I was surprised when he took full responsibility.  I still know I am lucky to get away.  Some day he may just paint me black.

[lauren50]

I'm still in the process of leaving but your post really rings true for me. The happiest times of my life have been with my husband but it's hard to even remember those when I'm in a ball on the couch, crying my eyes out while my husband tells me how awful I am and my little girl is upstairs listening. I watched my own mom be abused and I really think it's a big part of how I ended up in this relationship to begin with. You have to break the cycle of abuse for your own kids. Big hugs, momtara.

[tango1492]

Hi-

I can relate as well. I often feel that being alone is worse than being with my ex. Then again, my therapist says it's human nature (and a good thing too in a lot of ways) that we tend to forget with time just how bad something was. If we all walked around remembering how horrible our worst life-experiences were, we'd probably all be a mess.

So now that I'm living 1000 miles away from my ex and am 6 months out of the relationship, how easy it is to miss the good while the bad starts to fade.

I miss being a family with him as well---I have a child from a past relationship, and for a little while, it was so nice to have a 2 parent family again for my son. I still miss that a lot. And my ex legitimately has a lot of great qualities.

I recently told my therapist that I wish my ex was screwed up 100% of the time, because then it wouldn't' be so confusing.  Like how do I make sense out of the fact that he's so smart and successful, could be so sweet and supportive and affectionate, and also drank too much, was verbally abusive, had sexual issues, etc?

And my therapist's reply was this:

If he was screwed up and crazy 100% of the time, well then, he'd just be crazy. That's the part about BPD that's so difficult. It's not all one way. Someone with BPD genuinely can have great qualities. They can have moments of great insights and self-awareness, etc.

This is what's so incredibly confusing.

And it's absolutely true---that when you let go of that bad, you are also letting go of all the good.

There was a lot of good in my relationship my with BPD ex boyfriend. But it did get to the point of being completely untenable. We argued literally every single day toward the end. He yelled at me. He was verbally abusive. He didn't have much control over his temper. He drank 7 days a week and had 2 drinks on his drive home from work before even coming in the front door. In a way, he left me emotionally before I left him.

I've been NC successfully for over 2 weeks now. This is after going back and forth with him multiple times. I miss him. I love him. But I have this sense that if I just let enough time go by, I will slowly get my life back, get my feet on solid ground, and will eventually be able to move on.

[momtara]

2 drinks on the way home?  Hang in there. 

We all have it so rough.  There have been days when I felt good, too.  Don't know why I am hit so hard today.  Maybe because I am moving to a new place.  I hate moving.

[seeking balance]

Don't know why I am hit so hard today.  Maybe because I am moving to a new place.  I hate moving.

For me, I didn't hit the real depression for quite a while.  Going through the divorce process was kind of a buffer - I had to survive, thus not really feeling depressed and alone.

Reality of not being married, I missed 70% of it - honestly.  But that 30% bad, was too much - became way too toxic for us both... . that didn't change the fact I liked being married more than not.

It's ok to cry for a while - it is sad.  As silly as this may sound, nobody would say "don't cry" if your H passed away suddenly, right? Why do we expect ourselves not to grieve?  It is a loss - a significant loss.  Give yourself the patience and compassion going through this loss - it is real.

Peace,

SB

[Turkish]

Hi momtara,

Some people ask why women stay with verbally abusive men.  Well, frankly, sometimes a person who loves you half the time seems better than no one at all.  People would criticize me for saying that, but it is what it is.

It is indeed what it is... . but what do you really think "it is?"

I was the reverse of you (I switch our genders in my mind and my r/s becomes crystal clear, sadly). For me, fear of loss (though I had no problem being alone before), and fear of failure. My idealization of what a nuclear family should be, and something I never had.

For our children? Having a co-parenting situation seems better to me than the kids mirroring out dysfunctional relationship later in life, which is exactly what my Ex did to me for most of 6 years, and for sure the last four months she was living under my roof. Our children absorb what they see, and it becomes a template for their lives, as it did with the mother of my children. She was somewhat aware of it, I called her out on it. No matter. It was her script. Our children deserve love from us, and peace in the home. Peace in the home starts with peace for those who lead it. How are you doing on finding your own peace?

I think it's cool that you run a blog, btw, only an idiot would think otherwise.

[winston72]

It's ok to cry for a while - it is sad.  As silly as this may sound, nobody would say "don't cry" if your H passed away suddenly, right? Why do we expect ourselves not to grieve?  It is a loss - a significant loss.  Give yourself the patience and compassion going through this loss - it is real.

Ah, SB... . sometimes common sense is the deepest wisdom.  There is so much emphasis on this board about leaving it all behind us that I think we try to shut down our own grieving, or force the speed and direction of our emotions rather than respecting them and engaging them.  Some of that same dynamic is what led me into trouble with my ex, and intimate relationships in general.