Do I bring this up, if so, how?

[Love Is Not Enough]

So I stayed out later than I had planned on last night with my friends (WOW 11PM) than I had initially intended. They were going on about how much they missed me and that they never see me anymore. One even told me that he is there for me if I needed anything. They are understanding of my current situation. I had been at a social event for an organization that I am very involved in. So I want to clarify I was not at a strip club or doing anything "bad". So I tried to call when I had decided to stay out later and of course there is no answer. So I text and say I will be home in a couple of hours and tell her exactly what I am doing. No response. So I get home and go to bed. She pretends to be asleep and then gets up several times saying her stomach hurts. I can tell she has an attitude so I am just cordial and trying to be as "normal" as possible and ignore the tension. She finally goes to the other room to sleep.

So we do our usual routine this morning and she is cold, but not mean. Then before she starts work she texts me. All of her responses are short and the last one she says "STAY FREE". At this point I know she is starting a game so I ignore it and tell her to have a nice day. The she says: "No I love you?" So more games. I say of course I love her and ask if she wants to eat lunch together. She says "Sure". So she doesn't tell me she loves me. More games.

Sick of the games. I have no idea what "BE FREE" means so I search it and a Papa Roach song comes up that is not very relationship friendly. It's also full of self-hate (no surprise there) and one line says "I wanna be free from this ball and chain, I wanna be free from you"  

So I have no idea if that was what she was getting at or not. I'm also upset about the "love you" not being reciprocated, in principal only. So now I have resentment and of course I'm curious about what "BE FREE" means.

Soo... . I want to just ignore it and go back to our intimacy-less bliss (no rages in awhile). Or should I attempt an adult conversation about it and attempt to resolve some of my resentment? Not sure I can accomplish any of this without the "games". If so, how should I go about this? SET examples anyone?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

"Be Free" is an easy one, at least it would be for me.

You're right, it's a game.  The response she was hoping for was "I don't want to be free, I just want to be with you".

You had fun without her.  SET:

I care about you and hope you had a wonderful night.

I can see you're upset that I was out later than I originally planned.

Next time if you'd like a call we can agree what time I should let you know I may be later.

[unicorn2014]

Wow, thanks for your story. I can relate. While I don't go out at night I can relate to the inconsistency in text messages. I think SET is the key.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Thank you IsIt for your example. I may end up using your suggestion at some point. Unfortunately I have an entirely new problem. She texted me and I finally figure out that she looked at my phone while I was getting ready for bed after I got home last night. My friend was happy to see me and said we would do lunch. Then I made a joke and said I will see him if my gf doesn't kill me for being out late. He said to "be free my friend." Then I said "I was trying." It was nothing.

So after being weird for over 12 hours she finally texts me and asks what my friends wanted from me that would cause her to kill me and did he (my friend) imply that I am trying to get away from her (my gf).

The messages were short, concise and very clear. They were also light-hearted and obviously a joke. How in the world do they twist this innocuous stuff into complete treachery?

She always wants to converse/fight by text and I am sick of it. She has also been looking at my phone, which is annoying, but I have nothing to hide so it's not that big of a deal. I have done similar things in the past and have worked really hard to stop. So I understand how hard it is sometimes when you feel insecure. Of course I felt that I had much better reasons than staying out 2 hours later with friends. That is just an excuse though. I still should not have done it, even though it proved my suspicions correct.

She is nicely asking for an answer now. Ugh. So the text fight begins. It's going to be a long weekend. Why cant it be Monday

Time to practice the lessons. No JADEing and SET. I'm rusty... .

[maxsterling]

"Why cant it be Monday"

Aint that the truth.  When in a relationship with a pwBPD, sometimes we dread the weekends.

[Love Is Not Enough]

So this was the text message between me and my friend that she flipped out about.

Friend: Man it was awesome to see you. As soon as I have a free day for lunch I'll hit you up.

Me: Thanks. Hopefully I live long enough. Al has talked me into staying out. She will kill me. Lol

Friend: LMAO

Friend: Be free my friend.

Me: I'm trying!


I was at work and she was demanding a response so this is what I sent her:

I can see how my messages could be taken in a negative way and I am sure that really upset you. I want you to feel better about what was said. I was only referring to unexpectedly being out late. His comment meant that if I was going to stay out late that I should enjoy myself instead of worrying. I was being dramatic to be funny and we knew no one would be killed. I wish you would have asked me last night so we could clear it up then and you would have not been unnecessarily upset for so long.

This worked and she was fine when I got home. We discussed it some the next day and she felt bad about looking at my phone. Although I never got an apology for any of this. So at least the weekend turned out ok. Ironically my Monday has been HELL 

Please provide feedback on the message I sent her. Did I JADE?

[SleepsOnSofa]

"Why cant it be Monday"

Aint that the truth.  When in a relationship with a pwBPD, sometimes we dread the weekends.

I certainly dread weekends. Every weekend since the Christmas holiday, my wife has managed to pick a fight over something innocent I've said on Friday evening or Saturday morning, which left her upset and raging at me for the rest of the weekend. I have no choice but to spend the rest of the weekend holed up in my "home office" (actually, a semi-finished porch, which can be mighty cold in the winter time), because if I come out, she starts in on me again. Usually, by Monday evening, she's acting fine again, but I'm still sick inside.

I've got a full week off work next week (I'm a teacher, and we have a mid-winter break), and I can only wonder how long we can go without ruining it. We have a lot to get done that week, and I can't do most of it in my chilly office.

[unicorn2014]

I don't know if you're JADEing or not, but I can tell you it's very hard not to. It's something we talk about in al-anon too, but I think it's referred to as jed. Anyone interested in starting a new thread on JADEing?