How to process my guilt?

[ConverseHome]

My uBPDx and I went to our couples therapist yesterday together for the last time. My x broke up with me last Friday (says she couldn't stand all the pain I was causing); yesterday's session was for 'closure.' My x was sobbing with a kind of visceral pain that I really can't describe. It was somewhat terrifying. She went on to read a (relatively) short letter, saying how much she had loved me, but that I was the cause of indescribable pain for her. That she is a just a shell now of emptiness. She went on to cling to her diagnosis of me (yes me) of having BPD.

Our therapist was great. Compassionate with us both. Though, she did say to my x that I do not have BPD, which then caused more intense sobbing on the part of my x. I sat there, shell-shocked, by the pain coming at me from my x that was palpable. I could scarcely not feel guilty, thinking am I this powerful, evil person she says I am? Her pain is so real, so primal, surely I must have done something so awful to make her feel this way? I sat there, and sit here now, beating myself up. Even though I know, intellectually, that there are forces at play here much bigger than myself.

How do I get past this feeling of guilt? Being exposed to her pain is truly traumatizing. We are NC now, she moved out a month ago, and I know that I must move on. To do so, I have to get past the guilt and feeling like a failure, despite knowing that ending this relationship is the right thing for me.

[Tolou]

It's not easy to process the feeling of guilt.  It is part of the disorder that being in relationship with someone like this makes you feel this way, responsible for things that you are not.  For me what I had to constantly remind myself until it started helping was... .

I did try and help, to the best of my abilities I did that. (wasn't enough)

She made x amount of years in her life before she met, and she will without me... .

Somethings are just not meant to be?

I am not responsible for this person, their behaviors and their actions.

[NyGirl8]

Hopefully the guilt phase will only last a short time.  Her reaction and the way she blamed you... . I have been there many times.  It is so confusing when you are sitting right in it... . but, wow, good for you for knowing that this is something you need to walk away from.  With time and maybe some continued therapy, you will be able to sort through the confusion and detach from it.  Time does make it easier.  You deserve someone who does not blame their emptiness on you.  You are not that powerful to render a person empty.  They are responsible for that, they are responsible for working on it.

Good luck!

[ConverseHome]

"You deserve someone who does not blame their emptiness on you.  You are not that powerful to render a person empty.  They are responsible for that, they are responsible for working on it."

Wow! This is immensely helpful. In the moment yesterday in couples therapy, I said nearly the same thing. I told my BPDxgf that the pain she was describing - pain that was literally palpable as I sat next to her - was beyond anyone person's ability to cause. That she was endowing me with a kind of power that neither I nor any person could wield... . I'm new here, and wish I had found the BPD Family here many, many months ago. Thank you for your help; slowly I feel like the craziness is receding.

[heartandwhole]

ConverseHome,

I feel for you.  Anyone with a beating heart would have felt compassion for your ex, and it is so understandable that feelings of guilt came up for you.  I'm sorry that you had to go through that, and for the pain your ex is in. You may have become the trigger for past pain that feels unbearable for her, and witnessing that is heart wrenching.  

If you can, let your feelings run their course, just feel them as sensations, and not "truths" about who you are.  They will pass.

Be gentle with yourself, Converse.  We're here for you.

[NyGirl8]

Glad you are here.  I just recently found this site as well.  I just recently was clued into the fact that my ex has a personality disorder.  He tends to have a lot of narcissistic traits as well.  But, just coming here in weak moments, and coming here for information has helped me so very much.  Reading the stories helped me to feel uncrazy  and validated.  I am committed to follow a healthy path and learn how I managed to stay in a relationship with this disordered man for so long... . thus healing and hopefully getting to a place where a healthy relationship is possible... . we all are deserving of that!

Glad my words helped!  

[bpdspell]

How do I get past this feeling of guilt? Being exposed to her pain is truly traumatizing. We are NC now, she moved out a month ago, and I know that I must move on. To do so, I have to get past the guilt and feeling like a failure, despite knowing that ending this relationship is the right thing for me.

The saying goes that when people are hysterical; it's historical. The breakup has certainly triggered her abandonment pain but when you look at the entire picture that pain has lived inside of your ex long as she has had BPD.

Getting past your guilt will take a level of personal work and insight on your part. You aren't the cause of your ex's pain and you are not at fault or blame for her deep unhappiness. We all  have gotten caught up in their pervasive illness due to our own struggles with co-depedent traits: carrying other people's emotional weight, blaming ourselves for the unhappiness level in others, and believing that it is within our power to fix someone's personal narrative. None of which is true.

As for feeling like a failure…what is the root of that feeling? You cannot save or rescue a mentally ill person. Your ex was sick way before you came into the picture and she'll be sick after without deep psychological intervention.

It will take time to focus on you and your healing but breaking up with them is the healthiest thing we can do for them and ourselves. When we enable, coddle, downplay our worth and essentially betray ourselves to make their happiness a priority and we pay the LOVE tax at a high rate. The dividends are like crumbs... .

Spell

[Lucky Jim]

Hey converse, Try to separate what's "yours" from what's "hers."  Those w/BPD are experts at blurring that distinction and, in general, getting the Non to carry their pain, which is unhealthy for all, particularly the Non.  I've done it, believe me, which is almost a given if you've been in a r/s with a pwBPD.  LJ

[ConverseHome]

This is all so incredibly helpful. Truly, it's just the kind of validation, support, and gentle encouragement I need to hear - it's been such a long time since I've had this, that it's a bit overwhelming.

The point about her wanting me to own her pain is so very insightful; so, too, is me being a trigger for her. This I've recognized, and I knew my very presence - what I seemed to symbolize/represent to her - alone could set her off. In the end, along with her projecting visceral pain so literally I could feel it, I was also called an 'emotional liar.' I mention this as, for the first time, I didn't stay to find out what she meant by this (she was full of psycho-analytical insights about my real and perceived character flaws for years). Fortunately, when she hurled this one at me, the therapist's hour was up, and it was time for me to walk out and towards my own healing and processing as you have each discussed here. I must be patient with myself, and gentle, and allow myself to feel while not accepting her projections as "fact." Thank you for reminding me of this.

[Waifed]

Hey converse, Try to separate what's "yours" from what's "hers."  Those w/BPD are experts at blurring that distinction and, in general, getting the Non to carry their pain, which is unhealthy for all, particularly the Non.  I've done it, believe me, which is almost a given if you've been in a r/s with a pwBPD.  LJ

This... . I also carried the pain for a better part of 4 months since our breakup.  Time and processing make you realize that its not solely your fault.  You will go through phases where she is perfect and you forget the bad times.  You will then see all the bad things that occurred during the relationship and will get angry, feel duped and used.  Eventually you will forgive yourself and that will likely lead to you forgiving her.  As you heal your feelings will wane for her and you will have the occasional thought (more processing).  This is a slow process.  She has breached your walls and pierced your heart.  You opened up a freeway to your inner child only for her.  It hurts.  Its betrayal.  It was the perfect concoction of two people that can lead to destruction for a caregiving person.  You will survive and learn a lot about yourself in the process.  You will let the guilt leave you when your mind is ready.  :)on't fight it.  

[heartandwhole]

along with her projecting visceral pain so literally I could feel it

This happened to me, too, ConverseHome, and it floored me.  I had never experienced something like it before.  And he was upset when I didn't want to "take it on." It just broke my heart – so much pain, and I couldn't do anything about his, much less my own.

Now I understand that together we cooked a stew of trauma bonding and boundary busting.  What we do in the name of love.   

[ConverseHome]

Thank you, again, for all of your thoughts. They are comforting beyond words.

Heartandwhole... . I can't say I'm glad that someone else experienced this, though it's reassuring (again) that I wasn't imagining such a thing. Fortunately, my reality testing isn't as flawed as it once was; her distortions had a way of making me second-guess myself as never before in my life.

Back to the pain being palpable. I feel right now a literal feeling of needing to flush it out of my system. And, like you, when I wouldn't own it - when I told her I couldn't possibly be so powerful as to cause so much pain - the intensity of that pain, and the degree to which I could feel it - only grew. Good grief, I do need to be kind to myself after what was (I hope) the final drama!