I'm feeling down this morning

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm in need of some support from you guys this morning... .

It was a bad weekend for me I suppose.  I had a blind date on Friday.  The date was "ok" though I was not attracted to her in the least.  Nice lady but no sparks at all and there won't be.  On the drive home, I started to lose it and was thinking of my ex pwBPD.  Out came the alcohol and then some drunk texting (she didn't reply).   I felt like crap on Saturday and did an hour long walk/run to sweat out the alcohol (I had been training my butt off in the gym and also doing cardio in the mornings so this was a big time slip for me).  I thought about my ex the rest of the weekend and then this morning I'm pretty emotional. 

I think, no I know, it's loneliness.  I would never go back to my ex knowing what I know now.  Ok, I say that but... .

I've fallen back in to the "I can 'fix' her" stage.  I feel like if only I could talk to her.  I got her to confess that yes, she had been diagnosed BPD as I had guessed.  That I could tell her that she's push/pulling with my replacement and that I know the pattern.  That I know her acting was all that... . just an act so that she could reel me and all the others in.  That she exhausts us and then tosses us when we simply can't give any more and can't take the every day drama. 

I know - even if I would or could say anything to her, it would make no difference.  It's all about her emotional survival and she doesn't give a flip about mine or others feelings.  These are just my pipe dream wishes.  Thanks for letting me release... .

[In_n_Out]

I'm in need of some support from you guys this morning... .

It was a bad weekend for me I suppose.  I had a blind date on Friday.  The date was "ok" though I was not attracted to her in the least.  Nice lady but no sparks at all and there won't be.  On the drive home, I started to lose it and was thinking of my ex pwBPD.  Out came the alcohol and then some drunk texting (she didn't reply).   I felt like crap on Saturday and did an hour long walk/run to sweat out the alcohol (I had been training my butt off in the gym and also doing cardio in the mornings so this was a big time slip for me).  I thought about my ex the rest of the weekend and then this morning I'm pretty emotional. 

I think, no I know, it's loneliness.  I would never go back to my ex knowing what I know now.  Ok, I say that but... .

I've fallen back in to the "I can 'fix' her" stage.  I feel like if only I could talk to her.  I got her to confess that yes, she had been diagnosed BPD as I had guessed.  That I could tell her that she's push/pulling with my replacement and that I know the pattern.  That I know her acting was all that... . just an act so that she could reel me and all the others in.  That she exhausts us and then tosses us when we simply can't give any more and can't take the every day drama. 

I know - even if I would or could say anything to her, it would make no difference.  It's all about her emotional survival and she doesn't give a flip about mine or others feelings.  These are just my pipe dream wishes.  Thanks for letting me release... .

[Free2Bee]

I know exactly how you feel! I was in the same sad place this weekend.

I know without doubt that I can't fix my ex, can't be with her, really can't stand her much of the time, but when the memories of the 'good times'  come flooding back (and I'm spending a lot of time alone), it's so HARD to take.

Hang in there. When the going gets rough and lonely, try to find some people to hang out with. If my friends aren't available, I usually wander to a café and have a latte, people watch and play around on my computer. It's the 'illusion' of company, if not the real thing.

Gradually, the memories will fade and we'll fill our lives with new people, activities and memories. It really does get better in time.

[shellsh0cked]

Hey... . at least you KNOW she's damaged goods and that you can't fix her... . that you're not in denial that you can.  My xgf?  She would never admit to being BPD.  She won't go to get any help because she is terrified of that diagnosis.  What I found helpful?  Is that I wrote down everything I could remember about how horrible she treated me... . the mean, hateful and cruel things she did to me... . some out of revenge... . for things I had not even done.  When I read that stuff?  I didn't miss her any more.  Better to be lonely than abused like we were by these vampires. 

And you're right.  It would make absolutely NO difference what you said... . How often did "reason" work with her during the relationship after all?

[ts919]

Must have been something in the air - I had a similar type weekend

Hang in there man; it's tough, I know.  I've been doing the whole "thinking of the good times, I can fix her" type thing these past few days.  My divorce is coming to a close and we're getting close to her moving out... . lots of emotions running wild at my house right now. 

Good job keeping busy, especially with the exercise.  That's smart!

[winston72]

In N Out... . thanks for the frank and descriptive post.  It helped me to locate and identify some of my own feelings. 

I marvel and am continually perplexed at how I retain such a powerful connection to the possibility that it might all work out.  In my case, I think I would be happy to have the impetuous and difficult storm of a woman back in my life.  I would like to have that mix of chaos and beauty next to me.  Ugh. Hate to read that on my screen, but that is what I find to be true when I search within myself.  I don't even have a vision of a stable future; I yearn for that unresolved, misdirected, painful energy from her.

As to that "fix it" stage... . that is so true.  I had many conversations and email exchanges with my ex to explain to her what I thought was happening.  After long, difficult, arduous exchanges she would very often agree with me and see it... . long after the fact on instances, when the emotional energy was dissipated and we could both reflect, I/she/we could break it down and understand and agree... . but that did not make it a relationship that worked for me... . or for her.  I will misuse the metaphor, but finding periods of joy with her were like catching a falling knife.  Hard to do, elusive, low probability of success and equal chances of being sliced up... . or a handful of nothing.  But, as illogical as it seems, I had a hard time walking away.  We humans are strange creatures!

[In_n_Out]

Thanks for the responses. Work has kept me busy this morning which has been a good thing.

I was doing really good, maintaining NC and I really had myself convinced that being with her post idolization period was really just miserable. Myistake was trying to get out date already I guess. I could see if I was in to her but she rejected me, I would be down but she was all in to me and I just was not interested in the least. That started the comparisons and then the downhill slide this weekend. 

I'll keep doing what I've been doing; working my butt off in the gym. A big part of losing my identity with the ex was also losing my desire to maintain myself physically (mentally?). I'm working hard to rediscover myself again.

I just really want to tell her how bad she messed me up with all of this; how her path of destruction leaves all of us hurting when she decides to flee.  Again I know that it would get turned around on to me and its obvious that since she has me blocked on everything that she wants no part of communicating with me. At least not while she's going through the honeymoon phase with my replacement.

Thanks again everyone. Good words.

[Johnny Alias]

In N Out take a deep breath and reset the clock.  Go back to NC.  Block everything.  

She's still validating your existence as a person despite what a sick creature she is.  That's okay.  She's conditioned you to be like that for as long as you two were together.  You're basically brainwashed.  A cult member.  

I understand I do.  You want to find a replacement for her.  Your expectations were SKY HIGH and this woman fell woefully short.  That's not her fault.  You guys might just not be a good match too.  Thing is you need to remember that first DATE with your BPD ex was like HEAVEN.  She was attractive, funny, and didn't you two just hit it off immediately?  

You do know that wasn't reality right?  She was mirroring you.  Trying to please and charm you.  Trying to suck you in to be her new narcissistic supply.  They are practiced at being the siren that sings you the song that hypnotizes you.  

A normal healthy woman won't be as seductive.  Not saying this gal was right for you... . physically or mentally, but try to lower your expectations when you go out with the next one... . AND NEVER DO BLIND DATES!  EVER!  If you're not at least attracted to them a little bit then you're just having dinner with a stranger you'll never see again.  That'll depress the hell out of you.  

As for the fix it thing... . buddy... . men before you have tried... . men after you will try.  You can't do it.  She has to.  This requires self awareness and introspection... . and since they despise themselves good luck with that.  She'd rather listen to someone tell her how perfect she is than someone say how sick she is... . and if you grew up with parents like hers you'd understand why.  

You have to let it go.  It's okay to be sad and lonely.  Breathe.  Keep running.  Post on here.  Take a trip if you can.  

This was never going to work.  She doesn't want your help.  She's already pushed away every attempt.  Read this from Tara P Shrinks4Men blog

Crazy doesn’t want to be rescued. Crazy wants to be enabled.

Crazy doesn’t want to be rescued, she doesn’t want to be better if it means she has to do the work to get there and Crazy definitely doesn’t want you holding her accountable and pointing out how she creates most of her problems herself. Meaning, Crazy doesn’t want you to help her to become a functioning, healthy, mature, responsible, gainfully employed adult. Crazy wants you to put up with her hit and clean up her messes and thank her for the privilege of letting you do so.

Dont be that guy.  

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

In-N-Out,

Hey.  I'm sorry you had a tough weekend.  It seems like the past two weekends were harder than usual for me as well.  Great job for posting on this website when feeling down.  It's a really great tool and all of us here understand what you are going through and want only the best for you.  There is no right or wrong thing to say on here so great job for posting and not letting it just eat at you.  Getting your words out helps in so many ways.  Validation, advice and comforting words from perfect strangers help put us on a path to healing.  

Awesome job with the gym routine.  I'm doing that myself.  :)own 20 pounds since my stbxwife moved out.  The nice thing was that I had two people notice this past week.  That always feels great.  Sounds like your gym routine is paying dividends if you have people into you.  What is your routine?

I TOTALLY understand your feelings on going out and dating.  I am NO WHERE near that point.  I have absolutely no desire.  Give yourself credit for getting out there.  Even though the date didn't go how you anticipated, it takes courage to put yourself out there.  Maybe just take from this that you aren't ready for that yet.  And that is OK.  Perfectly OK.  

On the thoughts about "fixing" things with your ex, I've had those same thoughts 5,000,000 times.  Still to this day.  But I keep telling myself, in the 14 years I spent with her trying to fix things, they never were fixed.  And I gave everything I could to try and fix them.  I think when you are good, decent, loving person you try with all your might to care for the person you love.  But we are only half of the solution.  The other half has to come from them.  And if they can't/won't take the steps, no amount of effort on our part will make things better.  It'll just mean more cycles and roller coasters for us.

I hope you are having a much better day today.  Take care.

[dansure]

I guess there was really something in the air this weekend.

I found sugar that we bought together that she always used for cooking... . and it triggered me. The entire Sunday I felt down and bad and went through the relationship in my mind. Still hard to believe how she can hate me so much, after all that time we spend together and all hose words that were said... .

However, just like others, when I start missing her I remember how bad the relationship was after the honeymoon/idealization period and that in fact I wasn't happy with her. I miss having someone on my side, but I don't miss her... . but sometimes I confuse those feelings. I guess we all get triggered by all that valentines day crap you see around these days.

Hang in there man, I have been there and it gets better. I recommend you strongly to stop drinking. I did that as well and nothing good comes out from that. Just keep going to the gym and work on yourself. I have been doing that as well and I also got people noticing that I lost some weight over the last view month - and it feels good!

I personally believe that it is almost impossible to get over an ex that you really loved without being in love with someone else. And when you meet that someone else you want to look good right? So just remind yourself of how badly she treated you and how she treated you like crap after you broke up. Remember how fast she found a replacement and what that says about her feelings... . yesterday you were her hero, now it's someone else and tomorrow it will be another guy. What those people call "love" has nothing to do with what we mean when we feel it.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

However, just like others, when I start missing her I remember how bad the relationship was after the honeymoon/idealization period and that in fact I wasn't happy with her. I miss having someone on my side, but I don't miss her... . but sometimes I confuse those feelings. I guess we all get triggered by all that valentines day crap you see around these days.

YES!  Agree with this.  And your comment about a small thing or memory that can trigger the feelings.

[Happy1]

I'll reiterate what others here have said. Remind yourself of the worst pain that she put you through (likely this has happened several times already, I'm sure) and then ask yourself the question, "If I have contact with her, will she do it again? And, do I want to feel like that again one more time?"

For me that's how I beat the cycle. Plus, it helped that mine moved far far away. What are your chance for doing that? If you can, I'd suggest it as a strategy. It kept me from having her go to the same places or old haunts as we did when we were together.

The loneliness will fade. Try reconnecting with some of your old friends that aren't related to her, or creating new avenues with new friends. It'll suck for awhile, but before you know it, you'll be into a new routine and that too will help with the pain.

[Conundrum]

I think we often conflate this fixing/rescuing notion with holding reasonable relational expectations/boundaries--though they are distinct. Weren't most of us really inviting our pwBPD to join us on a shared journey via adopting healthy adult relational tools? It was an invitation and not coercement/fixing.

They chose to reject those invitations--and that's where the immaturity/impulsive aspects of the disorder comes into play. So we were left scratching our heads, because they swore their undying love to us. And if that was the case, wouldn't they (as adults) then want to adopt the best relational tools available--in order for the relationship to succeed.

Those reasonable expectations become misnomers though, when it's discovered that they have BPD--and thus that is where the story most of the time should end (at least when it comes to remaining in a committed relationship). But the heart refuses to yield, and we kept on sending out the same invitation despite receiving the exact same disordered reply. Consequently, that's where most of the damage to our psyches occurred because we went a little krazy too, and acted out the often referenced definition of insanity; by doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Yes, Quixotic in nature, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

And in the end perhaps acceptance--which we must define for ourselves.

[Popcorn71]

I feel the same.  I am going through a really bad 'missing him' phase.

Dating didn't help me either.  If anything, it made it worse because I couldn't help but compare to our first dates and the wonderful times we had at the start.

I have no answers for you, but would like to offer understanding and encouragement.  Stay NC.  It's difficult but apparently, it's worth it!  You can do it.

I hope you had a better day today.

[In_n_Out]

All of these replies have been so helpful - thanks to you all.  Yes, something was in the air this weekend no doubt.  I'd been doing really good - I have been reconnecting with old friends (and an old girlfriend), meeting new people, working out, eating healthy, no alcohol or sodas.  I mean really - one mention of her name and I'd smirk and mutter "con artist".  But h e double hockey sticks... . going on that date sure set me back.  We got along fine so maybe if I was attracted to her it would of been a whole different story.  Valuable lesson - as mentioned above - NO blind dates and don't trust their profile pictures either. 

P.S. I'd send my ex the link to this thread and go "see!" but then it would get turned around on me because I "aired her dirty laundry".   

[glacier_glider]

I'm in need of some support from you guys this morning... .

Don't worry, Bro, things will get better, I promise. Provided that you follow "NO CONTACT" rules.

I did NC for about 10 months with ups and downs.

Reading books, articles and forums helped a lot.

At some point, when I felt better, I created a profile on PoF and had tons of fun.

Until... . the BPD found out that I'm on there and tried to contact me there.

It was about 10-11 months into NC.

I though I was totally immune to her and responded.

Didn't really dive into it but "somehow" got attached.

She broke it off a month ago and last week said several nasty things that really bother me.

But it's nearly not a painful as after the original breakup a year ago.

NC helps and that's the only remedy.

It's good that you are posting in the "Leaving" part of this forum. That's the only way to go.

[shellsh0cked]

When you find someone that treats you well?  And you aren't walking on eggshells all the time?  That feeling will wane.

My current girlfriend?  She's like a protein shake, a salad and a glass of water.

My EX?  She's like a glass of caustic degreaser, a bowl of dirt and a can of raid... .